Why did/do you drink??

[4theboyz]

Why did you or do you drink?

A simple enough question yet I suspect it is a complex answer for those of us struggling with AL and one I have been having a hard time answering for myself. I thought we all could offer up their own insights to perhaps help others here explore their own answers to this confounding question.

My whole adult life my state of mind was soothed with readily available elixirs and such that I can't really remember a time in my life since childhood that I functioned entirely free of a mind altering substance. I turned the corner towards a dependent relationship with AL after my first born. No longer was my life entirely my own. I was no longer free to do as I pleased as my new child and my wife depended on me greatly. My music studio was now turned into a nursery and my life forever changed. Al provided instant relief and suppressed those primal desires of freedom to be myself I once so freely expressed. I towed the line and 11 years later those feelings were so effectively destroyed by AL and all I had left was that numbness left behind from drinking. For me I look back and there is a pattern of suppression of my self within relationships that has resulted in personal pain not only to myself but to the ones I love who were shortchanged by my emotional neglect. Now that AL is out of my life I do see that I can feel free to be me and express myself while still honoring my commitment's to those around me. I'm sure I will find other reasons but this is a start for me how about you?

[Cinders]

Why did/do you drink??

I started drinking very young. The legal age was 18 and as a 15 year old, I looked 18. I moved away to FSU when I was 16, so the world was open to me in all respects. No one ever thought that a college student might be underage.

I remember how, when I drank, I actually "felt good," something I was unaware of before drinking.

So, I think my drinking started out as physiological, drinking made me feel good, it, of course, helped with someone so young around others much more mature, to make me feel like I "fit in," and so it started.

After I got married at 18 (yep, still married after all this time but not for long if I don't give up the drink..) I still drank a couple of glasses every night. Not to drunk just to relaxed.

I maintained that for most of our married life, with the occasional drunk at a party, New Year's, etc. 2-3 glassses of wine every night.

I had gastric bypass in Jan 2005. A year later, I started my 2-3 glasses a night thing.. unfortunately, it quickly escalated to 1 - 2 bottles a day. So, I now find myself here, having to abstain completely because I know I am mentally and physically hooked.

I am sad I cannot go back to the 2-3 glasses a day. My hubby and I tried that for a short time recently, as a test, and nope, doesn't work.

I do miss my anesthesia, though. I had had panic attacks in my 30s and thought I had dealt with them (I did, with AL) but now I have no choice but to face the panic attacks head on without AL, and it scares me a lot.

My story.
Cindi

[Di]

Why did/do you drink??

I started drinking at 15 or 16 because it was fun! Drank to excess from the get-go; added marijuana & cocaine because it was the thing to do. Was full blown alcoholic by 18. Lot's of family problem and pain. At age 18 my younger brother died tragically and I realized the AL could kill that pain; mom died a few years later. I continued drinking to avoid emotions for another 13 years when my life became so scary I entered a 4 month rehab. Remained clean & sober almost 14 years. After fighting extreme depression (untreated), an out of control, using teen and relapsing partner I gut the "f**k" it attitude and picked up AL. Became more depressed (untreated) and had a suicide plan. Entered counseling 1.5 years ago. After drinking again for 2.5 years I am now on day 5 AF. I see my therapist weekly, a weekly womens' recovery group, take Rx for depression and started Campral (anti-AF craving Rx) a few days ago. I realize anger is my biggest trigger and am trying to practice more assertive communication instead of stuffing it and drinking to avoide that ugly feeling.

Short answer: I drink to avoid pain.

[Princess Fiona]

Why did/do you drink??

I am now in my mid 40s, I only started drinking at 28, I had become an insulin dependent diabetic at 27 through my pregnancy, I at that time was addicted to coca cola and chocolate, to me all the good things were taken away, slowly but surely, I bullshitted myself, that as whiskey has no sugar in it, was my treat, my treat became a daily treat, over the years my AL consumption went from a bottle a week, to up until 36 days ago, a bottle every second day, I used AL to "de-stress", to sleep, any excuse, I started realizing, that any activity I did, I would make sure, I could drink, after 36 days AF, I know that at this time, I cannot see myself controlling AL, I would love to get to a stage that I could go out for dinner, have a couple of glasses of wine, then an irish coffee and come home, I am scared that I fall off, as I had a wobbly on day 30, but thats one milestone over, so 40 days is the next.
I found this site per chance and just reading everyone elses stories, it helps knowing that you are not alone.:thanks:

[cowgal]

Why did/do you drink??

pain

I, too drink to avoid pain, hell, I drank to avoid feeling ANY feelings, drank since age 13 or so, was just plain FUN!

Stopped drinking when about 18, when brother went into rehab, started going to AA w/ him became pretty anorexic, so al was too fattening to drink at that point.......

Moved to Miami at 21 and was introduced to cocaine, boy did my drinking TAKE OFF!!! Met hubby at age 28, loved to party (yep drink and coke very often!?) and got married, had 2 boys in 91 and 93, then I didn't party (coke) anymore, but BOY did the drinking TAKE OFF..........I was blacking out every weekend just about.........did a couple "geographic cures, but no matter where I moved I was still there, so they didn't work.........

Finally moved up here, got serious about quitting AL ,joined AA, was sober about 9 months, dad died, DRANK MY A*S off...........less than a year later, brother died, drank again, then other brother went to Iraq, drank A*S off again, so the story goes until I finally tried mwo, failed terribly at mods, trying AA and MWO now, 18 days AF..................hopefully I can do better w/ more tools..................

FEELINGS, yep, they always make me drink, so I don't have to "feel" them..................

Now, I am realizing it is not so bad to feel pain, hurt, be upset etc w/o drinking.............

thanks for the subject 4theboyz.............was helpful to let myself reflect!

HUGS.

MA

[jay42]

Why did/do you drink??

i guess for me it was slef medicating for anxiety . probably took my first drink at about age 16 .
ithink another reason why i drink still on and off is beacuase of the past . i havent yet been able to shake it off . and one think ive noticed when i do drink all i do think is about the past and iexpect to realese myself from the precent
but im working on it

[trixietrack]

Why did/do you drink??

I started drinking socially when I was about 24, was living in California and had a huge bunch of friends

who smoked a lot of pot and drank occasionally. I am allergic to THC so I would end up drinking more than

them but it was never during the week or during the day. We were also poor so heavy drinking didn't

start until I moved to NYC and experienced a really bad break up and then 911 really set me up for

for a serious bender. Booze was my therapy, but it also was for a lot of people here. The fog

moved on and I am finally coming back to normal. It's amazing the amount of change one goes through

after trauma

Trix

[trixietrack]

Why did/do you drink??

I wanted to ad that I also think that a lot of the reason why people drink or over drink is really because it's

fun. It's a diversion from the normal everyday routine.

A way to celebrate, but then it gets out of control.

[dexterhead]

Why did/do you drink??

started as "fun" and also a way to come out of my shyness .....

when the real problem began a few years ago, it was to numb pain when life threw stuff at me I didn't feel equipped to handle. And lately, as Jay said, it's sadness about the past and loss. Numbing, all the way.

[gabby1go]

Why did/do you drink??

I drink because I love to drink. I have no abuse in my history, nothing tragic has happened to me, but my parents drink a lot. My mother acts like she doesn't, but she does. I love being sober, had 17 days under my belt up until Sunday when some relatives came to town. I love my wine, but always drink to excess. I have no excuse other than the fact that I enjoy drinking. It is a beautiful spring day here and all I want to do is make a seabreeze and sit outside and enjoy the weather. My triggers are extreme and I take the supps and I know I am stronger than the booze but I still continue to battle. I never thought I would be here, but here I am. And in a a BIG way. I knew I was an alcoholic years ago but never faced it until the past couple of years. I have heard that your problem is only as big as the secrets you keep. I have kept secrets, upon secrets, upon secrets. So, apparently, my problem is pretty big.

[jane jane]

Why did/do you drink??

I'm one of those who has no reason whatsoever, except it's fun! No big life traumas, no dark family history, no shyness to overcome. I didn't even drink until my girls were little (my mid-twenties)...and then, I think it started out of boredom. I've always been just a little bored---isn't that a terrible statement? But looking back...everything just came too easily to me. My parents had plenty of money, I scored off-the-charts on SAT/ACT and went to a hot-shot Northern college, married a wonderful guy, had great girls...never really had to work...just had a free-lance article published in *Good Housekeeping* a couple of issues back ...(under my real name so won't tell y'all what it's about)...

I've managed to get my wine habit under control, but have no illusions; it could balloon right out of control any day. So, being "ever-mindful" is kind of my general life plan. I tried the AF grandiose statement but it was like being a teenager and making those diet lists: "NO chips EVER!!!! NO sugar EVER!!! Menu for today: a Tab for breakfast, two lettuce leaves for lunch, EXACTLY THREE BOILED SHRIMP for supper: Bedtime snack: WATER" Well, we all know 'bout how them diets worked! Robert Frost wrote, "Something there is that doesn't love a wall" and I think that applies to total deprivation...

[trixietrack]

Why did/do you drink??

"I've managed to get my wine habit under control, but have no illusions; it could balloon right out of control any day. So, being "ever-mindful" is kind of my general life plan."

I agree with you on this one jane jane.

[greeneyes]

Why did/do you drink??

never mind. tht was stupid thing for me to say

[Guest]

Why did/do you drink??

I have thought this through and through....I met my fiance' in 2004, we met at a BAR....I had started drinking a bit to much at the time, but had it under control during the week. When we met and got SERIOUS...I spiraled out of control. He cheated on me, made me feel like shit really! So, I drink more, but kept the fiance'...I am DUMB...please don't tell me. I could never PROVED he cheated, but I knew in my heart. So time passes drinking is getting worse, but still controlable to most degrees...then 4-23-06 he kills himself in a drinking and driving accident. His body was completely destroyed....never saw him at the funeral. (I later saw pictures at the highway dept...because I had convinced my crazy self he wasn't really dead...it was him...face half torn off and all) SO, then I spiral OUT OF CONTROL for a year...go to jail 3 times...total 3 cars in one year....almost die...etc!!!!! Then I found MWO....had 7 motnhs AF after the first month here screwing up. I LOVE THIS SITE and the people. You have saved my life. I am a normal little white girl, from a southern town, college educated, 2 kids...you would NEVER believe I did the things I did. I am 5'5"...jumped a girl at a concert,..WTF????? Never in my life have I been in a fight. AL ruins your life!!!!!!!

[4theboyz]

Why did/do you drink??

Luvuall,

I just wanted to say how incredibly brave you are to share such a horrible moment in your life. :l