I have no idea...

[Finding My Self]

..what to title this as I just feel grey and flat. I know it is 'normal and natural' and am just sliding with all the sensations and emotions...

...but just how can I grieve for a mother I wanted dead for so long? (Not really I suppose but still horrible to acknowledge that fact...)

Other people are able to use that grand word, "Grieve". They're feelings are valid; they liked her. I loved her, but I didn't like her, so I feel I have no right to grieve. I can feel sad but no more than that. I've written my version of a eulogy and perhaps I'll post it here but perhaps not; it has none of the happy, grateful, positive things of a 'proper' one. It's one I can't share anywhere because it is so awful - she looked like the best mother ever 'out there' but from the inside...........? No. I am so sorry to say I am afraid not.

So I'm not getting anything through my dad (the many letters of condolence etc) and there's only me (all the other relatives are up there with him and my kids are away/untouched as they didn't really know her) and 250 miles away before the funeral on Thursday it all feels stupid, daft, (but not the usual denial - I know she is gone and that - you see, so sadly - is just fine. Although I am glad it was peaceful and painless for her.) and unreal....I rang my dad last night to see how he was and he did his usual evergreen talking as if I was a distant old neighbour friend - not his only daughter. I am expected to be 'The Daughter' but not allowed to be their daughter...

Oh, I knew it would be like this and shouldn't be surprised after all these years - but why am I still finding it so hard....?

I've tried writing this post so many times but I'll just hit 'post' and trust you all to forgive my crass efforts at any clarity at all.

I don't even know what I am saying or asking for - but I just wanted to say Hello and feel your contact...

I am still thanking of all of you too....and hoping your Saturday is going ok - better than even.

Thank you.
Love
Finding My Self Still. xxxx

[betty boop]

I have no idea...

Hi Love,

I can't help but you are in my thoughts .......

Big hugs for you :l:l:l

[AMELIA]

I have no idea...

FMS,
Your situation sounds incredibly painful. Perhaps most of your sadness is coming from grieving for a relationship that you were not able to have with your mother? I think most of us that have difficult relationships with our parents want the relationship to be better/easier than it is.
Now that your mum has passed away, you don't have the chance to do this....
All of this is made even more painful and confusing by the way that your dad is 'dealing' with the loss of your mother.
I really feel for you FMS. I am not sure what else to say. I can tell this is really really hurting and confusing you. Please do post just to vent if that is what you need.
xxxx

[lukalee]

I have no idea...

FMS, it does sound like you are grieving; still grieving for what you did not have. There are no right or wrong ways to go through this process. You are entitled to feel however you feel, and grieve however you need to grieve. Hugs.

[ducky]

I have no idea...

FMS, so sorry you are feeling so sad. You can grieve the loss of someone you loved but did not like. And you can also grieve for what you did not have, which is what you may be doing. It is all natural and not surprising that all of these childhood hurts would come back. Try to get through as best as you can and be gentle with yourself.

[Guest]

I have no idea...

FMS,
I am very sorry for your pain. Strained family realtionships are extremely painful. I KNOW! You have to let it go. You can not and will not ever be able to change people. It is very painful, but true. You could try and talk to your Dad, but my gut tells me you have already done this before. Take care of yourself. You are grieving!!!! It is very hard to lose a loved one. Hugs to you and much love.

[KateH1]

I have no idea...

FMS,

I completely "get" what you are saying. My mother was not able to express love towards me. She allowed my father to rape and abuse me as well. She would just simply go to play Bingo, leaving me with the predator......but that story is for another time. Even in adulthood I was subject to her nasty comments etc. So when she died quite suddenly, nearly two years ago, I was much in the same place that you sound like you are in. I realised, that my "grieving" was different, I was grieving the fact that I would never have a "mother and child" reunion. A couple of months after my mothers death, I went to her grave site and finally put both her, and our confusing and hurtful relationship to rest.

I am not really a grave visitor. But, on a sunny afternoon, I went to her grave and spoke to her, ( I know this was for me, more than her!) I told her that I felt sorry for her, that she could not show love for me, that she and I missed out on so much. I told her that I really never knew her. But, that for what ever made her so distant and cold, I was sorry for her. I was sorry that she drank her life away. I wished her peace.

FMS, I am only sharing this to help you now, not to feel so confused and guilty. This was not about you. I honestly believe that any parent that is incapable of loving their own children are truly miserable people. I believe what they really hate is themselves.

I wish you peace. I know that you will find it! If you ever want to PM, I will be happy to talk about this, or just listen.

XXX KateH

[meditation mama]

I have no idea...

Finding... You are such a wonderful being. Just let the waves of whatever you are feeling come and go. Acknoweldge what is real FOR YOU. The world has a wonderful way of trying to tell us what we are supposed to feel. We have all been given these labled feelings that come along with certain events, death, divorce, etc. (how convenient), but all situations are not all cut from the same mold. Feel free to feel what ever comes up and know it is right for you.

I am thinking of you, sweetie.

All my love,

MM

[happydog]

I have no idea...

fms,
sorry to hear you are feeling sad....grieving will take us in different stages and different situations, that you have miss out from childhood.....finding it hard because we always want the answer to that question and never get it.....WHY?....
fms be patient and gentle with yourself....
love u lots.:l

Teardrop.x

[Doggygirl]

I have no idea...

My dear FMS formerly known as FMF, My heart goes out to you with this news, and the knowledge that unresolved issues between you and your Mom end up.....this way. I'm no good at these words...so please know that my heart is with you in your loss, despite my inability to convey what I mean.

I've been lurking today for the first time in quite awhile - still battling AL, of course. Seeing your sad news prompted me to post (an act of bravery at this point) - you have always been so good to me. Hugs across the big ocean my friend. You are a wonderful person. I hope you find peace in your heart with your Mom AND your Dad - somehow, some way.

Love,
DG

[Finding My Self]

I have no idea...

Thank you so much everyone..... everything you say is so precious and good.... Yes, I am just going to allow myslef to sway backwards and forwards like seaweed in the tides.... (it's ok, I love the sea and I can see very beautiful green weed off a lovely rock in blue, sandy waters!)

I did a lot of writing this afternoon and 'got back from' my Dad as in, let go, as you say, Luv. We are different and that's ok...if he wants me to change, well, I'm me and he's just good too..... (if only (!!) he'd stop trying to change me!!!) So, yes, I'll let go.

And my mum - let go too....we were really different! But she can't try to change me any more and say how I don't cut the mustard.... Finished...unless I let it continue in my mind so, let go.

Kate, thanks....a good idea for the future when the time is right - I thought today it will be a private affair 'tween me and her one day...but not yet.

And MM, Teardrop, Lucky, Amelia, Lukalee and BB...thank you so much for being there.

And DG! I am so, so touched....hello to you and a big hug! You'll get there with Al - you will. You've such a big heart.

I'm off out to meet some friends tonight....friends of friends but not just me'n the telly - must be better than that! Time to just be with others.

Thanks for being there everyone....it means the world. I don't know how I'd be doing this without MWO. What a complex time it is to each individual.....so much makes such obvious sense and yet not at all!

Love all over
FMS xx

[AMELIA]

I have no idea...

I hope you have a wonderful night out with your friends (or friends of...)
x

[memarcie]

I have no idea...

:h :l

[Finding My Self]

I have no idea...

Thank you...I know I keep saying it but I do keep meaning it!

I had a lovely, lovely time...just what was needed! A kitchen full of warm and friendly people....big pine table and candles galore and we had our fish-and-chips out of paper that we had collected on the way (it was a snap drop-in decision) and the friend-of-friend's D and SIL and their friends had their grub.... (relaxed family!) Wine was around, some were drinking, some not...easy and simple. Then we three went to the local pub - a proper old local, loads of villagers and good old fashioned chat...then back for more chat around the pine table....laughs and stories and warmth and cosiness.... People with similar likes, occupations (actors and artists) and connections and work futures....and all in the same kitchen with the same people I had a horrible evening with (not because of them though) only 7 months ago...with a completely different feeling! (Nowt to do with booze either - long story but suffice to say isn't life just strange!) So, spirits up again and some energy returning.

So, now to sleep; this tired bod is very tired now - 2am!!!

Thanks for helping me through this day....

Love FMS xx

[nancy]

I have no idea...

Hi Finding

I think what you need is to accept the way things are. It sounds simple but the way we were brought up is that some other reality should exist and so we feel very deprived. According to dogma: You should feel a certain way while bereaved, and your Dad should have treated you a certain way past and present.

You need to just accept the way things are, as hard as that may be it's easier than competing with some expectations created in your mind.

The moment I started to look at people the way they are and base my expectations accordingly, the easier life became.

Don't look at life the way it should be "the ideal", but the way you live it and, in truth, the way most of us live it, very imperfectly! Also most of us are on different wavelenths, so communication can sometimes be very challenging!