I have no idea...

[Sally1949]

I have no idea...

Sally

Thank you for sharing your feelings.
Its hard to beleive now, but time will make things better. I really feel for your incredible sadness and hope you take heart from the lovely thoughts of the nice folk replying to you. So many people care about you.
Thinking of you, Sally x

[Waves 2]

I have no idea...

:l

:l

:l

[embraceddarkside]

I have no idea...

Hugs during your grief.

I have come to the conclusion that these folk are in our lives to form our character, no matter how painful the relationship. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel or how to grieve. Surround yourself with people who affirm you and accept those hugs!
I remember how shocked people were to hear me say that I did not like my father. At first I felt guilty, but I am now ok with appreciation for what he contributed to my character and belief systems. However, I am also ok knowing that, if I had a choice, I would not have accepted him into my circle of loving, supportive friends. He helped form who I am now, and I am very thankful that I did not take on most of his shit.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

I have no idea...

Finding My Self;286941 wrote: ..what to title this as I just feel grey and flat. I know it is 'normal and natural' and am just sliding with all the sensations and emotions...

...but just how can I grieve for a mother I wanted dead for so long? (Not really I suppose but still horrible to acknowledge that fact...)

Other people are able to use that grand word, "Grieve". They're feelings are valid; they liked her. I loved her, but I didn't like her, so I feel I have no right to grieve. I can feel sad but no more than that. I've written my version of a eulogy and perhaps I'll post it here but perhaps not; it has none of the happy, grateful, positive things of a 'proper' one. It's one I can't share anywhere because it is so awful - she looked like the best mother ever 'out there' but from the inside...........? No. I am so sorry to say I am afraid not.

So I'm not getting anything through my dad (the many letters of condolence etc) and there's only me (all the other relatives are up there with him and my kids are away/untouched as they didn't really know her) and 250 miles away before the funeral on Thursday it all feels stupid, daft, (but not the usual denial - I know she is gone and that - you see, so sadly - is just fine. Although I am glad it was peaceful and painless for her.) and unreal....I rang my dad last night to see how he was and he did his usual evergreen talking as if I was a distant old neighbour friend - not his only daughter. I am expected to be 'The Daughter' but not allowed to be their daughter...

Oh, I knew it would be like this and shouldn't be surprised after all these years - but why am I still finding it so hard....?

I've tried writing this post so many times but I'll just hit 'post' and trust you all to forgive my crass efforts at any clarity at all.

I don't even know what I am saying or asking for - but I just wanted to say Hello and feel your contact...

I am still thanking of all of you too....and hoping your Saturday is going ok - better than even.

Thank you.
Love

Finding My Self Still. xxxx

FMS (still),
I extend my condolences

[Saint Jude]

I have no idea...

Hey Feet, thinking of you...
Sending hugs...:l:l:l

[happydog]

I have no idea...

Hi fms... so glad you had a lovely time with good friendly people. I love the smell of fish and chips...
Thinking of you! and Sending you more energy your way.

love :l
Teardrop.x

[slightlysuze]

I have no idea...

Finding...good to hear you had a lovely evening with your friends.....well-deserved after all you have been going through :l

The difference between how things 'should' be and actually 'are' is often very painful...and so much in life is like that......I've found the best way to cope is to let go, to find a sort of softness and flexibility in your heart - to stand beside painful things, not inside them. If that makes sense!

I often think of you.....that Cornish connection.....and your lovely sense of humour...and your insightful way with words...and the warm person I know you are, even though I've never met you.......I wish you peacefulness and a quiet heart :h :l

Love


Suze xxx

[tea]

I have no idea...

Finding, I so relate to your post, when do we eventually realise that we sometimes do not LIKE the people we love.... yes even those we know we are supposed to just love anyway. I like KateH's response in that she went to the grave and 'spoke' and I think that may help you too, doesn't have to be a grave just anywhere you feel like. Really feeling for you and your loss, stay strong please.

Lx