So today is 11 days without a drink. Last night was tough. The only reason I'm on day 11 is because my husband said that though he wouldn't leave me, I would have to get better somewhere else if I continued to drink. I alternate between days of feeling grateful to him for being strong enough to say that and frustrated because he backed me into a corner. I'm not really feeling committed but more in limbo. But yet I hold out hope that if I just keep adding AF days, I will slowly come to the conclusion that I want this. On an intellectual level, I certainly know that I need this. But emotionally I'm not there yet. I occupy a mental space where I rationalize that eventually I'll have a drink again. But I don't have to drink today or tomorrow. And those add up. It's funny how if I maintain openness and honestly with my husband, my brain accepts that I won't be drinking. But as soon as I follow a drinking thought a little too far, I alienate him and focus only on how I can convince him that I've come to terms with alcohol and can manage it. Luckily, that didn't work last night. I said I wanted a glass of wine and he said he wasn't comfortable with that but offered to talk me through anything I was feeling. Oh, and he is not drinking at all to support me through these early days. I am truly lucky. And he allows for me to think that someday maybe I'll manage it. I have no idea if he actually believes that but he's so patient and knows that I'll go through all sorts of mental games with myself but will continue to grow and possibly outgrow those games. Someday I hope to get to a point where alcohol is trivial to my life.
I think my biggest issue is restlessness. When I don't drink, I have a running commentary going constantly. I can't sit still. Lists of things to do run on and on. We had friends over last night and I must have fed them half of the contents of our fridge because I couldn't sit and just listen to conversation. Not to mention join in. I don't know how to give of myself in social interractions. I make occasional jokes. I do the crossword puzzle while they discuss politics and religion. These things don't matter to me yet. Because alcohol is still important to me. It's not even that I'm thinking of that so much as my brain can't just let go and enjoy the present.
But honestly, these 11 days haven't been that difficult. I woke up last night with the thought that I was going to be sick this morning. Then i realized I hadn't drank last night and that I would feel good. That was such a relief. Maybe it's more psychological that quitting is tough? Maybe I live in the future of wanting to drink rather than in the present of feeling good?
I read a great book called Awakening The Buddha Within. The author has a good mix of personal experiences plus well crafted tools for obtaining peace that have been tried and tested for thousands of years. A spiritual practice is really important for me to adopt right now. Not just stand on the sidelines and hope that inspiration will strike. But do the real work. Peace doesn't happen because you want it. But that's what I like so much about Buddhism. It gives you real tools to change. I had a terrible experience with religion as a child. Please don't anyone who has faith in God take offense. Sometimes I would kill to have faith in God. But I lived in so much fear of my zealous father that God never even entered my head as real. I think parents who want their children to develop faith should be loving and supportive in order to give children the space and comfort level to be open to possibilities they can't see or experience. Militant, pound the fear of God into you, hell fire methods do not work. I developed a manipulative survival streak, just trying to hide any idea of who I was from my father. Any individualism at all would be crushed as a threat to faith. Anyway, sorry to go on a ramble about the past. My father had his own experiences that made him act that way and I try to feel empathy for him. He thought he was saving us from hell. That's a big incentive for a parent. But unfortunately, this manipulative survival streak has followed me into my relationship with alcohol. I work hard to hide how much it matters to me and to protect my ability to continue to drink.
This post doesn't contain very much in the way of positive and I'm sorry for that. I'm actually feeling quite happy this moment. I reviewed my motivations for posting this because I don't want to take up others' time with selfish words that I've only written because I want to be heard. But I also need help and that is what this place if for, right? To support each other. I read posts of others and rarely put in my two cents because I've had a lifelong conviction that what I say doesn't really matter or help anyone. And I don't mean that in a "pity me" way. What I mean is that I feel badly that I haven't offered more support to others on their threads. You've all been so kind in your replies to mine. I thank you all so much.
Hope you're all having a wonderful Sat!
I think my biggest issue is restlessness. When I don't drink, I have a running commentary going constantly. I can't sit still. Lists of things to do run on and on. We had friends over last night and I must have fed them half of the contents of our fridge because I couldn't sit and just listen to conversation. Not to mention join in. I don't know how to give of myself in social interractions. I make occasional jokes. I do the crossword puzzle while they discuss politics and religion. These things don't matter to me yet. Because alcohol is still important to me. It's not even that I'm thinking of that so much as my brain can't just let go and enjoy the present.
But honestly, these 11 days haven't been that difficult. I woke up last night with the thought that I was going to be sick this morning. Then i realized I hadn't drank last night and that I would feel good. That was such a relief. Maybe it's more psychological that quitting is tough? Maybe I live in the future of wanting to drink rather than in the present of feeling good?
I read a great book called Awakening The Buddha Within. The author has a good mix of personal experiences plus well crafted tools for obtaining peace that have been tried and tested for thousands of years. A spiritual practice is really important for me to adopt right now. Not just stand on the sidelines and hope that inspiration will strike. But do the real work. Peace doesn't happen because you want it. But that's what I like so much about Buddhism. It gives you real tools to change. I had a terrible experience with religion as a child. Please don't anyone who has faith in God take offense. Sometimes I would kill to have faith in God. But I lived in so much fear of my zealous father that God never even entered my head as real. I think parents who want their children to develop faith should be loving and supportive in order to give children the space and comfort level to be open to possibilities they can't see or experience. Militant, pound the fear of God into you, hell fire methods do not work. I developed a manipulative survival streak, just trying to hide any idea of who I was from my father. Any individualism at all would be crushed as a threat to faith. Anyway, sorry to go on a ramble about the past. My father had his own experiences that made him act that way and I try to feel empathy for him. He thought he was saving us from hell. That's a big incentive for a parent. But unfortunately, this manipulative survival streak has followed me into my relationship with alcohol. I work hard to hide how much it matters to me and to protect my ability to continue to drink.
This post doesn't contain very much in the way of positive and I'm sorry for that. I'm actually feeling quite happy this moment. I reviewed my motivations for posting this because I don't want to take up others' time with selfish words that I've only written because I want to be heard. But I also need help and that is what this place if for, right? To support each other. I read posts of others and rarely put in my two cents because I've had a lifelong conviction that what I say doesn't really matter or help anyone. And I don't mean that in a "pity me" way. What I mean is that I feel badly that I haven't offered more support to others on their threads. You've all been so kind in your replies to mine. I thank you all so much.
Hope you're all having a wonderful Sat!
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