Stunned....

[Finding My Self]

Daughter #2 has left this open on my laptop...mails from her 'absent for months' sister - now I know why.

I am too stunned to think...stunned as in sad....as in shamed. All the changes and progress of the last 10 months...for what? Unseen...invisible. No way am I saying what's the point...but now I know just what a cr*p mother I am, have been. There's pages of how wonderful my parents, her grandparents, were...ok, I'm glad for her. She says she'd never have seen them but for her dad...rubbish - I made a point of not stepping in the way.

."...and we'll be a really close family. Let's hope that Mum wants to be included in that too. I've come to the conclusion though, that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I've tried, you've tried, her experiences don't seem to have helped snap her out of it (drinking, driving licence, etc). I just don't know what to do anymore."

Maybe if she's bothered to come and see us she'd have found the, I hoped, better 'me' I have been spending long hours finding....this self - useless bloody self. Is this what everyone is thinking??? Does D #2 living here not see any 'improvement'...? And I thought I could look in the mirror now...

OK - from now on, my parents are wonderful...my mother was a beautiful person....I shall grieve an incredible woman and comfort an amazing man, me father. Fact and THE END.

Of course it is true that if you slag off anyone, that negativity returns to plague the slagger.... I should have shut up and just loved them like a dutiful daughter no matter what they did to me. I have got what I deserved.

D #2 replies to her sister that all is forgiven about the 'drinking year' but oh how she would love it if I would only admit I had a part to play in it....oh I did, I have - admitted it big time. Apologised massively. And then dropped it as replaying guilt is pointless and the first course back to the bottle.....

What can I say? The mail was on my laptop, open and I read it as one of mine before I realised I wished .... did she leave it open on my laptop for a a reason? Why? To 'shock' me into loving my mother (which I already did) in time for the funeral?

Sorry - I am numbed out. But in the morning this will hit....and this funeral to get through...being looked at as the selfish cow that has wrecked this family through not only not adoring my parents (who says) but through my 'not moving on' from my mother...who kept up the barrage of stuff it was hard to move ahead from fast enough till the day she died.......

Why did I ever bother to care about my family this much...to 'protect' them from what I experienced from my parents...?

Oh just watch me act the part this week - so bl***y smarmy I'll be.... They want a perfect Mother - I'll shut up then and act.

I can't believe it - at least now I know why D#1 didn't do all the planned 50th Birthday stuff and was so alienating at her wedding....

God, I am so far from perfect but I thought they would have seen something change in the last nearly-a-year....deluded or what? (me that is)

God, now I do feel sad. And a prat. I should have kept it all inside...pretended...honesty gets me nowhere.

FMS - maybe....WTF for.

xx

[dexterhead]

Stunned....

FMS: Oh god, I am so sorry you had to read that. I am not a mom, but family stuff is so bloody messy. People sometimes hang onto their conceptions of someone because it's comfortable to hang onto the anger or just the same old ideas. Please don't negate all the work you've done. !!!! Is there any way you can talk this out with either daughter? I am hoping someone who is a mom of teens or adults kids can come with some advice. But, well, as a young adult, I couldn't stand my mom, and it took me quite a bit of growing up to perceive her as the amazing woman she is.: many hugs l:l:h

[KateH1]

Stunned....

Hi FMS,

Wow! I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I know that you have been on an emotional roller coaster for weeks. All I can say is that sometimes people are very different as grandparents then they were as children. They do not exercise the same power to be "nasty and mean", as they did as parents.

The only suggestion that I might make is to be yourself. Try to let this pass for now. When this is all over with, perhaps you can sit down with your daughters and have a frank talk.

Whatever you do, I wish you peace of mind,

XX KateH

[Hannah]

Stunned....

Oh, FMS, so sorry....I don't think any of us are really great Moms when we are drinking, but heck, can't they see the difference now? Our children can be the most unforgiving of anybody, just think about how a lot of us feel about our own parents....just keep on being yourself, Finding - you are a good person, and I am sure they must be seeing that now, if not then. Maybe you just need to sit down with her and talk?

Hoping for a good outcome.....

[Cinders]

Stunned....

FMS,

I hope someone else can give you some words of wisdom.

I can't.

I am sitting here literally crying for you, my heart is aching for you.

I cannot think of the right words to say to make any of it better. At least not right now.

Hang in there, FMS. You are hugely loved and admired here. I know that does not take the place of family but we choose to love you. :l

Love,
Cindi

[lukalee]

Stunned....

I just want to answer the last part about FMS-WTF for. The reason is for you, not for your parents and not for you kids. Do this for you, and nobody else.

[panadol]

Stunned....

Dear FMS
You sound so incredibly lonely. I really feel for you.
Are your daughters aware of your story? Do they
know how badly you were treated by your parents?
Perhaps if they knew they would have some insight.
You have come such a long way,I feel proud for you.
You have conquered many fears and gathered the
strength that you need to continue your journey.
We know your truth and we stand here together
for you and with you. You are loved.:lPan

[Thankful]

Stunned....

FMS, that's just awful. Talk about kicking someone when they're down. What horrible timing for this to come to surface.

You have to be true to yourself. You must. If you decide to spend the rest of your life playing a part, who wins with that farce? No one. No you, not your daughters, not your parents. I agree that you must sit and have a real heart to heart talk with them. If they are old enough to come to their own conclusions about you and the rest of the family, then they are old enough to hear the truth. You might be afraid to have such an open discussion, but you can't fault them for things they do not know or were never told. And they certainly should be aware of your hard work these last several months. That's a separate issue in itself.

I had to hear my mom tell me some very terrible things about my grandfather when I was only 14 yrs old. My first thought was that it could not be true. But I knew my mother could never lie about something so severe. Stop pretending so other people can feel better. You don't deserve to live that kind of life. Your daughters will have to hear the entire truth. Then give them time to process everything. And damn it, tell them about all your hard work to be sober. If they can't see it, then you stand proud and brag about it. It's sad that we can do 100 things right, but 1 wrong move and people never let you forget it. I'm sure your daughters can handle the truth. If you can't talk face to face, then write them letters. But get it all out in the open.

Your story hits so close to home for me on different generation levels of my family. I can not help but feel so passionate about the situation your in. My heart just aches for you.

Your in my thoughts and prayers. You take care of you first.

Love, Me
:l

[Hannah]

Stunned....

Well said, Thankfull.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Stunned....

Listen to Thankful, she is right on the money.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this crap : (

[Leanwolf]

Stunned....

Stunned

I am a daughter of a drunk, so lets say Daddy wasn't all that perfect either shall we? (Like your parent but maybe in a different way of not being perfect, as I am far from perfect myself for my children.) Now that he's gone, he's a legend in his own town! WOW, isn't it ironic! The man use to beat his wife when divorce was not an option! I remember when my grandfather died and my mother use to say how my grandmother use to bitch (can I say that?) ALL the time about his drinking and cheating when he was alive. (OH! Did I just say THAT out loud?:wow Now all of a sudden he's a saint after his passing! Kind of sounds like your kids, but maybe only if they don't know the true grandparents? Now, recently my dad has gone and my mom is fuming that we are even taking the time to mourn his loss. Is anyone ever flippen happy around here!!! GEEZEM CROW! My point is you, Finding My Self, have a right to YOUR feelings. As far as them mentioning your drinking, sorry, I know its our problem, that's why we are all here, but gee, let's kick us when we're down. You ARE doing something, but this doesn't happen over night and neither did our issues to begin with so give us a bit here, we're working on it! They will see when they do come to visit the results, but remember, you are doing this for you, not for them. Keep going. And by the way, I have to add here that I have only been doing this program for 3 weeks and am seeing a difference in my behavior and am going to keep going. I'm not where I want to be, but I am changing my behavior! I also was a Doubting Thomas! This is 3 weeks after loosing my dad. My heart is with you!!!!:h
One more note because we are in the same boat of loss here. I have learned through this that 1) when one has lost a parent, they REALLY understand someone else when they too loose one, no matter what the relationship is, it is still a great loss. So with that knowledge, I would say, find a friend that has lost one to speak with - they will understand, and 2) We all go through this process at our own pace - do not allow anyone else, not your other parent or your child or anyone to dictate to you when you can and can't mourn this loss. (I only say this because it's happened to me twice and it has amazed me that people think after 3 weeks that I should be over it!).

[Saint Jude]

Stunned....

Finding, my heart goes out to you...
I'm so sorry you're having to go thru all of this, and especially at this time.
Families can be so difficult, they think they have the right to tell us what is right for us,..and point fingers. Just remember that when someone is pointing their finger, they also have 3 of them pointing back at themselves. Maybe something within they're not wanting to address...

In any case. Love ya bunches.
Sending huge hugs,
Judie:l

[Finding My Self]

Stunned....

Thank you....

I am just 'in two minds' just now...one says, "Drop it; kids will always 'get things wrong', can't blame them, we're all human, this stuff is the stuff of life, go look in the mirror, this too shall pass, hey ho, so what, get on with stuff, it'll all get lost in the greatness of life...."

But the other part is hurting, sore, exhausted, confused, alone with it, worrried for my kids' lives around all this. After all, the 'stuff' around my parents for me has mucked up so, so much in my life - whether it was 'real' or just the sort of ideas in my mind that my kids are coming up with around me now... And knowing too darned well that not dealing with this and it getting supressed - under guise of letting go(!) - will cause untold problems later on...

Thought 1 - D#1 has been 'absent' to all of us for about two years....hurting my D#2 greatly. I have been thinking that even it was something I had done (which it was I now know. 'Hating' her grandparents, not directly drinking), just why was she 'taking it out' on her sister (and brother but they're not so close) by shutting herself off from her....not replying to emails/calls/messages/cards.... Now, at the death of her beloved grandmother who she hadn't contacted in the 2-3 months since she moved abroad, she's wrting all sorts of sentimentally loving stuff to her 'little sister'..... Hmmmm. A trait she has shown with others before, but now it's actually 'in' the family...

Thought 2 - I think D#2 just used my laptop quickly to check her webmails, dinner was ready, the poota 'went to sleep', her bf rang and she went straight to bed without logging off. I come in, tap a key, poota wakes up, there it was.....the last mail sent on the 6th March.

Thought 3 - I can't do a darned thing about this, at least not just now....Except let it 'colour' my responses to the next few days in some sort of positive way....see a possibly different way to hear and see things....like D#2's mouring the 'never having had a grandmother-to-mourn'; that's sadly true as my younger two never got to know my parents due to their 'closed doors' way of existing and simple geography. (They knew my D#1 as we were local and D#1 is 11 years older than D#2 so the parents were younger then...) It's tough on my younger two as their Dad's parents are still alive but even worse then mine!! My two just adore our beloved elderly aunt as I do - but it is not the same of course.

Thought 4 - I shall have to just get up and get on....it's pouring with rain, trees are coming down all round with the stormforce winds, the power is still on with us but.... so I'm a bit 'unhelped' by the weather! BUT, things could be so much worse and is for so many... Why wont my body let me get on then...I'm back in the glue of Saturday....damn.

Thank you so much for your responses....I am sorry to be so flat about all this. At least it's better than the rather savage post last night...I was worried about that and wondered about deleting it...too negative. Should I still? I don't like being like that.

Love
FMS xx (And not giving up - just tired.)

[AMELIA]

Stunned....

Ouch FMS, that must have really hurt.
I am so sorry. I am sending you strength for the funeral.
Yes, perhaps you need to have an upfront communication with your daughters about your perspective.
My heart goes out to you.
x

[AMELIA]

Stunned....

And no I don't think your post last night was too savage. You have to have somewhere to vent!
x