Stunned....

[tea]

Stunned....

Finding, my heart is heavy and sore with you today. Families can cut us like no-one else ever can. Nothing more to add that has not already been said except that for me anyway, being sober and holding my head up with dignity is the best revenge and the only tool I have to 'show them'.

Lxx

[Finding My Self]

Stunned....

Thanks....yes....I thought that and that's why I hesitate to post about all this; none of us need to know that sometimes all we work for goes completely unoticed - that those we love most are stuck in the past... My daughter's both wrote that they wished I would 'move on'.... Pity they haven't got their eyes open; I moved on last year...I know I shared with you wonderfully supportive guys about my family life because it was 99% the trigger to my drinking....but 'out here' I had let it go by the end of last year....just put some space between my parents and myself and got on with life.... But inevitably one's parents come up in conversation and seemingly they are the ones that are stuck now... (OK, I know, only last year...time and all that...but...)

"I don't understand why she doesn't just move on..." they both wrote.... I don't suppose there's a person for whom funeral's don't bring up old stuff - except, is that maybe what's going on with them...?

Except that D#1 has been 'silent' for two years - since meetng her now husband...who is a fervent Christian with massively high family values (good for her but I'm stuffed!).

Oh how I wish I could move on....how much I dislike this dragging up of the past and having to 'go back there'...

I'm so flat...can't keep my eyes open but can't rest up....then my brain just runs and runs...

Thanks for being there...

FMS xx

[4theboyz]

Stunned....

FMS,

As an outside observer who really does not know much of your past that led up to this devastating moment, what I do see that there has been a breakdown in communication. You have spent 10 months battling your physical addiction to AL, how much time have you invested in addressing your emotional carnage with AL?

It is impossible to make up those years of pain and neglect but there is a reason that e-mail was left for you to see and whether intentionally or not, they are reaching out and it seems as though their message to you is quite clear ...

"...and we'll be a really close family. Let's hope that Mum wants to be included in that too.

For you FMS, despite how painful this all must be for you, I see this as a real opportunity for you and your daughters to bridge an obvious gap in their perception of their Mom and her recovery. I wish you the best.

[Finding My Self]

Stunned....

Thanks 4theboyz....that's a really good point....

Thing is, I've been blessed with dealing ok with Al.....really blessed...and I did it by addressing all the emotional sh*t that led to it....ironically by trawling through the parent stuff - yet again but this time with REAL intention to 'move on' as Al had got involved in the maelstrom and enough was enough. So they got their mum back both from AL and my parents BY me doing this stuff. Clearly not privately enough!

Without the sh*t, and with my stepping back from and moving on from the Parental muck, I got 'better' in both ways.....the very thing they wanted and say I haven't done! And as I trust my kid's integrities, I am now left wondering if I am being deluded about myself improvement....

I was so lucky to only have a short 'burst' with Al and so I chose not to dig it all up again or to involve anyone else - only my kids and partner know anything about it and that's the way it will stay; too many are crazy label stickers from where one can never come back. I guess that's why it feels so lonely...I know I am - through choice - in this on my own.

I am amazed she wonders whether I want to be 'included too...' Family has always been my #1 (otherwise I don't think I would have stuck around with my parents at all) and she has spent years telling me I am successful in that. I can only think that she is older now and something has happened ('age' or new hubby?) to change her perception on this... He never saw how 'sucessful' (in as much as any parent/child relationship is!) her childhood was, just heard the facts - that her Dad brought her up even though I was down the road....because her Dad wouldn't let her go, would have emigrated with her to Canada if I'd fought but I don't agree with fighting over children. So, it worked for 27 years damn it.....then suddenly.....and I am really, really looking at this hard....no, Al wasn't the cause even if it contributed to any worsening of the situation later.... And he's gone now anyway. I am well prepared to stand accused for back then but not be dragged over the coals for something that has gone - that is past.

But yes, this is a chance to build something from the wreckage - ironically if SHE wants it!! As in, as I am someone who aint going to start saying my mother was an angel..... But I shall say 'nothing-no-more' and get out the building bricks.... I can do nothing about whether either daughter is prepared to move on in their way, just be the best I can be each day...(and button my lip.)

I found a great book today, 'Rules of Life', where the author suggests we remember that, frequently children have to 'hate' their parents in order to leave home....it's all part of the process...pity mine didn't read that but important that I 'remember' it in it's true-but-lighthearted sense! This is a rocky time in the nest!

Thanks again though - I appreciate the thought and will use it...

Judie - um, thanks! Yup! As a huge finger pointer (what else have I been doing in these posts after all!?) those other three fingers don't do anything but hurt me back!

Love FMS xx

[betty boop]

Stunned....

FMS,

You WILL get through this, things are really really raw at the minute for you, you are feeling very emotional .........

Hang tough, and please accept my cyberhugs :l:l:l

Hopefully will be hugging you for real again soon ........

[Noelle]

Stunned....

I think in the long run it was good that you got to read what they left for you. Short term, it sucks. At least you know how they feel, ya know??

((((FMS))))

[cowgal]

Stunned....

oh my

FMS, my heart, too goes out to you, like 4theboyz said, you can work on the relationship now, that is a positive point........................

Don't know what else to say, except you and your family will be in my prayers.............

love,

MA

[slightlysuze]

Stunned....

Dear Finding...I'm tongue-tied with concern for you - can't think of anything helpful to say....so just sending loads of :l

One thought......it takes decades to even start growing up......your kids are still at those ages where they are mostly wrapped up in themselves and you still come with the label 'mum' rather than 'person'. I was at least 40 before I even began to have an inkling that my parents were people too! (lol...you know what I mean ) I'm still working on it!

Love


Suze xx

[bald headed old guy]

Stunned....

FMS,
i can relates somewhat to your family issues, mine go back a couple of generations. Sometimes I wish I had been born into a different family.
I can offer no words of wisdom that have not already been posted here, I only can send you a big hug and a prayer for strength to get you through this very difficult time in your life!
Stay Strong!
BHOG

[Waves 2]

Stunned....

FMF. :l Family can be so hard and we want to be that perfect person who is be all and end all to all of them.

We can't be that. We can only be the best we can be at any one time. You are trying to be that best - and have been for some time.

Keep your chin up. Be the best you can be this week. You have changed. Anyone who opens their heart and their eyes will see that.

Be strong and keep faith in YOU. :l

Love Waves

[Finding My Self]

Stunned....

I am so grateful for all the posts here....every one of you has said something that makes a difference...even if you feel 'tongue tied' (dear Suze!) you haven't come over as so...and i have felt every hug and good wish and it has helped so much.

I am going to sleep tonight a lot better than last night, that's for sure!

And yes, good comes from all 'bad' and probably no bad thing that things have had a bit of a shake up...now it's just what I do with all the pieces of puzzle! But as the puzzle analogy goes, we can struggle and work away at a corner of the big picture and then, one day, when we step back or (like now) have the table jogged so the pieces get mucked up, we realise that the picture wasn't what we thought it was after all!! And, with grace, start to build again more appropriately....

Wish me luck!!

It has been suggested by a pal of mine that I write it all down - and he means ALL of it. From childhood on, the bad and the good....as straight and simply as possible. (!) so that (if they want) the 'kids' (15,19,29) can read it and make their own minds up. (Am really not sure they'd want to...) I forget that they were so young when it was really affecting my life (not Al but I was a mess) that they probably are going through this very 'blind'....and certainly 'blind' when it comes to my actual experiences growing up. BUT....how dull! Surely it is the same as disappearing up my own bum? And could I really do it? And yet, it would certainly get me to write about it all, good as well, and then pack it up and leave it.....

Not a brilliant prospect....hmmm.we'll see!

Thanks again for the warm cloak of MWO...

Love FMS xx

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

Stunned....

FMS,

Children can be so unintentionally hurtful. I just read your entire thread, and my heart feels for you. :huggy:

Whether your daughter intentionally or inadvertently left the computer on is almost irrelevant. Either way, their feelings, which have been trapped in a Pandora's Box, are now out and fluttering around in your heart. Making YOU question YOUR abilities as a Woman. As a Mother. As an Ex-Wife.

Are you second-guessing every decision you've made over the last 29 years?

I think your friend is very wise in suggesting to write your life down. The good, the bad, and the ugly... From my experience, I think that children (my oldest girls are 17 and 20) naturally develop a Revisionist History Attitude about their upbringing. It's how they can justify the hurts and happiness they've experienced.

When you miss ONE school concert, the hurt thrown into your face five years later is, "You never came to ANY of my school concerts". (There's no recollection of the numerous other incidents where you re-arranged and squeezed your schedule to be there for them. No, the exceptions become the ALWAYS and the NEVERS.... even where alcohol is/is not involved.

I don't think NOW is the time for a big confrontation, because you need to continue to heal.... the voice of wisdom is once again shining through your posts (far from the horribly hurt person two days ago). Continue to heal. Write down what you want to say. And when the time is right for all of you, I'd have that discussion, face to face if you can. Expect some crazy hurtful statements (Where did THAT come from?), because emotions have become reality and you will need to clear the air. Hopefully, some of the misperceptions will be uncovered and you'll have a chance to state the facts.

Yes, when they were younger, you did your job as a mother to protect them from hurtful situations- maybe you did your job too well? Now that they are young ladies, you owe them the truth. They need to understand, "Yes, I wasn't there, but it wasn't because of alcohol. It was because if this would have happened (lawyers, their father, this situation....)... then that would have been the result, and I had to protect you."

I hope it doesn't hurt you when I suggest, Don't let your relationship with your mum be repeated with your daughters. If there's something to learn from your hurts, it's that it is NEVER too late to work on it... but this year is better than later...

Much love, FMS. :l

[july232007]

Stunned....

FMS,

I think thankful has said it best.

All I add is that these 10 past months are you at your best, not a new you, just you. They will come to see that in time perhaps, perhaps not. You must know it and continue to live it because it is the most honest way for you to live.

Take care,

July

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

Stunned....

FMS,

Children can be so unintentionally hurtful. I just read your entire thread, and my heart feels for you. :huggy:

Whether your daughter intentionally or inadvertently left the computer on is almost irrelevant. Either way, their feelings, which have been trapped in a Pandora's Box, are now out and fluttering around in your heart. Making YOU question YOUR abilities as a Woman. As a Mother. As an Ex-Wife.

Are you second-guessing every decision you've made over the last 29 years?

I think your friend is very wise in suggesting to write your life down. The good, the bad, and the ugly... From my experience, I think that children (my oldest girls are 17 and 20) naturally develop a Revisionist History Attitude about their upbringing. It's how they can justify the hurts and happiness they've experienced.

When you miss ONE school concert, the hurt thrown into your face five years later is, "You never came to ANY of my school concerts". (There's no recollection of the numerous other incidents where you re-arranged and squeezed your schedule to be there for them. No, the exceptions become the ALWAYS and the NEVERS.... even where alcohol is/is not involved.

I don't think NOW is the time for a big confrontation, because you need to continue to heal.... the voice of wisdom is once again shining through your posts (far from the horribly hurt person two days ago). Continue to heal. Write down what you want to say. And when the time is right for all of you, I'd have that discussion, face to face if you can. Expect some crazy hurtful statements (Where did THAT come from?), because emotions have become reality and you will need to clear the air. Hopefully, some of the misperceptions will be uncovered and you'll have a chance to state the facts.

Yes, when they were younger, you did your job as a mother to protect them from hurtful situations- maybe you did your job too well? Now that they are young ladies, you owe them the truth. They need to understand, "Yes, I wasn't there, but it wasn't because of alcohol. It was because if this would have happened (lawyers, their father, this situation....)... then that would have been the result, and I had to protect you."

I hope it doesn't hurt you when I suggest, Don't let your relationship with your mum be repeated with your daughters. If there's something to learn from your hurts, it's that it is NEVER too late to work on it... but this year is better than later...

Much love, FMS. :l

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Stunned....

Hi FMS-

I am so sorry you are hurting right now. Nothing hurts more than feeling the criticism of our children, whether the criticism is valid or not.

My two cents is this: I think our children have a VERY hard time understanding/appreciating what OUR upbringing was, and how we dealt with it. They are still our children, and therefore their focus is simply on their perceptions of their relationship with us. If there are unresolved issues they have with you, they may find your "truth" about your own upbringing nothing but fuel for their resentment. (i.e., SHE thinks she had it so bad...how about us..). I am not saying this is a valid view, just one of children.

I would use this time as a means of opening up communication with daughter #1...Maybe not a forum to "prove" how far u have come...only their chance to experience that directly will let them see all your hard work. But, maybe it is a chance for you to say..."I do want to be part of our healing family...what can I do to make it better...How can I help us to improve our relationship. What can I apologize for.

I know that is sooo hard to say, when you feel slammed after working SO hard. But I think it would be bridging. Maybe the loss of your mom can lead to something better for you and your kids...That would be wonderful.

YOU know how hard you've worked and how far you have come. We do too.

With love,

Beth