A tough evening

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Ok...triggers all over the place tonight..UGH

Day 8 on antabuse. All was ok. My son had early tennis tonight (a make up for a rain out earlier in the week). The original plan was that my in-laws were going to come over to wish me a happy birthday and have some pizza with us, but that got cancelled as my father in law had to go into the hospital.

I went to get pick up food for my son since he had to go to tennis by 6. We have this wonderful little greek place that does mostly take out with a few tables inside and a few out for those who stay. Usually you don't see to much alcohol there. However, tonight it seemed every table had drinks. Beer in frosty mugs, lovely glasses of red and white greek wine. This was my difficult time of day, and watching people enjoy their drinks, sitting outside on a balmy early evening was REALLY hard. If I were not on the antabuse I would have caved for sure. Instead, I got myself a soda while waiting and dealt with it.

Came home, and hubby arrived from work. He suggested we visit his father in law while my son was at tennis, so we did. Leaving the hospital, we decided to get dinner prior to getting my son from tennis. This is where it really got hard. I had (somewhat reluctantly) told my husband about my decision to take Antabuse. His first reaction had been skeptical. After the first couple days, he said he was proud of me. Tonight he asked me..

Him: You seem quiet, are u ok? (I think he questioned if I had drank...not sure)
Me: I am fine, just a little tired.
Him: What are u so tired about? (I think this was a dig...he thinks I am not working hard enough at my new business)
Me: I don't know...just tired
Him: So...how is the medicine going?
Me:...well...good...I haven't had anything to drink.
Him: well, I guess that is good...I hope it works.
Me: well, me too.
Him: So...this med. does nothing to you?
Me: unless I drink
Him: So...even though it doesn't effect you...you don't drink? (I think this was more like...so, you really don't need to drink...it isn't really a problem, you just choose to anyway)

quiet...

Him: so...how long are u going to take it?
Me: I don't know...I guess at least until I don't feel like I want to drink anymore.
Him: well, I hope it works.
Me: well, me too...why else do you think I would be taking it? (a bit annoyed now)
Him: Well, you don't know what it is like living with you.
Me: uh..yes...I do, I live with me 24/7
Him: It is different for me being the one married to you.
Me: Believe me, I would be happy to change places (annoyed)
Him: what does that mean?
Me: I didn't choose this problem, you can gladly have it
Him:That makes no sense
Me: you know, when this med came in the mail, you didn't even think I should take it...actually you said I was crazy to take it.
Him: well, I just think it isn't the way to go about it.
Me: I don't see anyother way...and it is working, so I guess I did the right thing.
Him: well, we will see I guess
Me: I just wish you could be a little encouraging, I think I am doing really well.
Him: well, it has only been a week.

After that, I said nothing. Just sat quiet.
Him: what are u thinking about?
Me: nothing..just ready to go home.

Re-reading this, what he said does not sound so bad. But the truth is, he just cannot say...wow...8 days...that is great...this was a big decision. Nothing. He can be negative...if not what he says, how he says it. And I am sensitive. Actually, the conversation we had was a MAJOR drinking trigger for me, something I need to consider. The further into the conversation we got, the more I wished I was able to get completely drunk. That is the truth. I felt anger rising in me about his judgemental ways...always had to be right. He always starts with the negative. Does it to my kids all the tiime (i.e., rather than...could you please clean your room? It is...you guys are such slobs!) I tell him all the time...it isn't what he says, but his delivery that I have problems with. I guess that is true when he talks to me as well. And BOY did it make me want to drink.

This is long. I guess the bottom line is...here comes the roller coaster ride of emotions I was afraid of. UGH. AT least I am AF and will finish day 8 that way.

Thanks for listening guys!

Love,

Beth

[lushy]

A tough evening

I am sorry he is not supportive. Nothing that he said to you was supportive and that is not right. Maybe when you have had some more AF days under your belt and you are not so raw with emotion you can really sit down and talk to him about his negativity and how it effects you. He needs to take some responsibility here too. Your husband needs to realize how negative he is and what impact it has on you and your family.

[Ripple]

A tough evening

i know what its like!

sounds typical of every husband when we are going through this. i know how you feel. it is painful when they show no feelings when we are suffering. but you did a good job staying strong. you were under a ton of pressure. been there, done that, living it, every day.

R.:h

[KateH1]

A tough evening

Beth, I will say it too! Wow! Day 8 AF.......You Rock!

Funny but, I can so relate to your feelings with this whole day! That conversation would have triggered me as well ! But then again, we do know how "emotionally vapid" men can be, even the best of them!
I am sure that he just really does not understand what a Huge step this has been for you. What a day like today does to your pschy! After all.....you were just a woman who had a couple of drinks at night....right?

Well......just remember. You are doing this for YOU! You are doing fantastic, and those of us that understand what it takes to not drink for 8 days, are with you, applauding you!

Love,
Kate

[memarcie]

A tough evening

Beth, I'm very proud of you too.

What your dialog describes to me is your conversation with someone who does not get what alcohol does to us. I know how much I want support from my hubby and want him to recognize every time I make it through a trigger and don't drink. But we all know that isn't the case.

I don't know what I'm trying to say except I understand what it is like to be with someone who has no problem at all with booze and how hard it is for them to understand us.

Love,

[skootiemom]

A tough evening

Hi Lucy,

First of all- you are doing the right thing for you. 8 days is an accomplishment. Taking the time to step back and acknowlege your triggers, realize patterns and reflect on them is tough work. You rock, and are at this moment, my American Idol.

I have noticed that when I am sober, my husband is a 'trigger' for me as well. It's not only that he irritates me, mostly because I am easily irritated when sober, but also I 'hear' how he speaks to me. He also is a tad negative and after a few days he seems to 'miss' drunken, happy go lucky, skootiemom. I think he resents the fact that I am not drinking ( btw, he too drinks too much, but seems to be able to do so without feeling like dying the next day).

I guess, in a nutshell, I am trying to say that I kinda relate to what you are going through. How are we going to 'untrigger' them and go forward? When my dad gave up the drink 13 years ago, my parents split within 2 years. The dynamic of their relationship changed and they both could not make adjustments. I am fearful that could happen to me.

Anyways, I am babbling ( with a migraine), but your post hit home with me in some ways.

Hang in there Lucy,

Skoots

[greeneyes]

A tough evening

You know what? I think that is great. I'm going to buy myself some little sticky gold stars and put them on a calendar for all my little victories. And big ones for big victories. :goodjob:

[southernbelle47]

A tough evening

Beth...I too am proud of you....way to go girl!

He doesn't realize it but the way he says things ,the tone of his voice and body language speak louder than his actual words.....

We are smart girls....we know this...hang in there...you are doing great! Men!

:hNancy

[Lucy Van Pelt]

A tough evening

Thank you guys-

I came home, and my daughter asked to watch a movie with me (she is home on college break). We snuggled on my bed with the dog (the only other female in the house) and watched "across the universe" (which we have both already seen). It was really, really nice. I suppose if I wasn't on antabuse I would have drank, missed that whole wonderful experience, and maybe pushed a fight with my husband.

So, all is good. Going to bed AF, still mad at hubby, but I guess I will have to learn to deal with him.

You guys are so wonderful. Love you so much

Beth

[Croft]

A tough evening

I have been in this conversation before. It is what they are not saying that is the problem.

You are doing so great Dr. Van Pelt!!!! You hang in there!!!!

[tlrgs]

A tough evening

hey beth great job on not drinking and being able to handle the problem the right way.
and 8 days awesome and yes now you can remember the good times with your daughter. keep it up

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

A tough evening

Beth,

I see a wonderful image of Lucy cuddling up with little Woodstock~ Snoopy curled up at the foot of the bed.... :l

As Croft said, it's what they aren't saying that's the problem, but try to be tolerant, okay? Antabuse and your new AF attitude is unchartered waters for both of you. You can get through it together.

You owe it to yourself to become the woman that you envision.
Much love, :heart:

[KateH1]

A tough evening

You know, I just remembered an experience, I think it fits and might cast some light on this.

One of my closest friends is and always has, battled with weight issues. She fully admits that she has horrible eating habits and portion control is not in her world! I have never suffered with this....thank god, I have enough issues!

A couple of years ago.....we went to dinner together. After I had the waiter pack up part of my meal to take home. My friend, became very quiet. I asked if anything was wrong. Angrily she replied, I have lost 5 lbs, and I ordered healthy food and no desert and you did not even notice! I felt horrible and I apologized. She told me that I could not be sensitve to her weight issues, because I did not suffer with them myself. I apologised and everything was fine. Although she didn't call me for a month!

My point is, I have refrained from speaking about weight with her. I know it is a sensitve issue. And though I can be supportive as a friend. I know that I do not speak the "same language" as somone that goes through this. I think the same thing can probably be said about alcohol.

Anyway.....just a thought!

Glad you spent a cozy, sober evening with your daughter......and no, it would not have been so special had you been drinking! This in itself is such a huge reward!

XXX Kate

[Cinders]

A tough evening

Beth,

Yes, I can understand the hubby irritating you. Mine does me when I am sober.

I do think it is because we are so sensitive when sober and I do know that will diminish in time. It really will, as we "learn" new coping mechanisms. It just takes time.

I will be starting on Antabuse soon, too, and I am sure I'll be posting similar incidents.

However, in the long run, we are doing this for US, not them or anyone else, so keep that in mind and know you just want to get better and you are doing what it takes to do so. The heck with what the rest of the world thinks, even our loved ones.

Love,
Cindi

[betty boop]

A tough evening

Beth, well done !!!!

I have to be careful what I say here as Mr B is a member and will probably read this ........ It is not always what they say but how they say it, so I understand totally ......

Hang in there .........