A tough evening

[Beaches]

A tough evening

Beth you are doing great. Sometimes, alot of the times, our significant others are big triggers.

It's the non supportive, been there done that attitude that stinks from our significant others.

Just be very proud of yourself and know inside that you are on the right path

[cowgal]

A tough evening

good job!

I think you did well Beth! You are right in that the tone and what they don't say is the real issue................I also find that true w/ my hubby, glad it didn't trigger you, and you and your daughter had a cuddly and memorable night.:l

Proud of you!

MA:h

[soccermom]

A tough evening

Beth, I am so proud of you too.

I see how that conversation was hurtful. Every little victory deserves a pat on the back. Those of us that struggle with this understand that 8 days is amazing.

xo

[disapprovingcat]

A tough evening

I think you did great as well. How lucky you are to have a daughter to watch chick flicks with! And how brave you are to turn your back on a tough evening.

My husband is a great guy and he's a problem solver. Sometimes I need just some assurance and a "attagirl" but I get a grunt or a to do list. He means well! In fact I'm having a really hard time with my dad this year - he's making some really foolish decisions - and my husband's "there is no grey, there is only black and white" philosophy has helped me accept the tough decisions I've had to make to save myself given my dad's foolishness. Regarding my drinking, he would say just get rid of everything in the house and don't drink. Black and white. So my only confidantes are you all.

I know it's hard when you're ticked off, but sometimes it's not worth opening up last nights can o worms.

And enjoy some more girlie movies with your daughter - go get the a & e version of pride and prejudice with colin firth - he's dreamy :h

[AAthlete]

A tough evening

Beth, just be patient and show him that this is something you can do.

However, I can't say as I blame him for being a little skeptical. If I use myself as an example - I can remember multiple times going a week without drinking and being upset when my wife didn't give me kudos for doing so. My mind managed to twist everything around and focus on the seven days of sobriety that I had as opposed to the eight years of on and off drinking that I done (and the damage that I caused).

It can take people around us awhile to truly believe that this time is different because they have been through it so many times. There are probably many emotions that we are not aware of that our spouses have never even shared with us because of our drinking. I only found that out after being sober for six months and sitting down and talking openly and honestly to my wife.

So, congrats on your AF days, I hope that they are the first of many more. But these reactions aren't limited just to men, and we can only prove our intent through our actions. As you continue to live sober and talk to your husband I am betting that he becomes much more supportive.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

A tough evening

Thanks guys-

A new morning and a new perspective. Yes, I wish he could be more supportive, and yes, I wish he understood more what this is like for me...but...

I can't expect that of him. Just as I cannot understand how hard this has been for him. Difference is, I don't blame him of course, but he blames me...when it is the beast inside me doing this to all of us. Yes, I am responsible, no one else, but I am taking responsibility.

I guess I need to understand that he cannot "get" this. And I cannot expect him too. Like Kate said about her friend with the weight problem...He cannot possible be inside my head and know how hard I am trying.

So...rather than my typical next day "I am still mad" cold shoulder deal (sigh, I am guilty) I will try to just let it go. It is over. I hope and pray my actions over time speak for themselves. (thanks AAthlete).

Onto day 9!!

I hope you all have an amazing day :h

Beth

[Breez]

A tough evening

Hi Beth-

Don't be so harsh on hubby. I know it's hard. But I read somewhere that it takes your significant other to totally trust/believe in you the amount of time that you actually drank.

I did soooo many weeks & months here & there that my hubby got immune to them. It wasn't until I hit 5 months that it really hit him and my family as well that I really meant it.

Your remark: "I didn't choose this problem -You can gladly have it." It seems you might be trying to take your anger of the disease out on him-although it's quite hard not to. Frustration. He's still with you, he's still trying to understand. For those moments when my hubby annoys me and I know there's no thrying to explain what I'm going thru- I come here. MWO is my safe haven. Hang in there YOU'RE DOING GREAT! Congrats!

[meditation mama]

A tough evening

Hi, Beth!

You are doing FANTASTIC. The emotions are going to run amok for a whie. You just need to concentrate on not attaching to them... Just think of them like waves of water. They cannot kill you. They will well up , then they will disappear. They will come and they will go. Ebb and Flow. Each time you feel one, acknowledge it and say to yourself "there is ___ (anger/saddness/anxiety), and then say, I felt this before and it didn't kill me - it passed. The best thing you can do is just acknowledge that this is an emotional time - "EMOTIONAL TIME". And time comes and goes. Don't hold on to the emotion, don't atttach to it, then time will take it away for you.. make sense?

As far as others, we have to know that we have put them through the wringer. We have let others down many times in the past. They also need to heal. And they will heal in time, but they need to heal in their ways and we cannot force our schedules on them. Just because we are determined "this time" right now- for good, doesn't mean they are ready to heal "right now". We have to show our loved ones, not tell them. Be patient, work on yourself - they will come around in time...

You are doing so great, Beth. I am really proud of you.

Namaste,

MM

[bestlifeldms]

A tough evening

Beth -

Does he have a twin brother named Mr. Best? :H Seriously, as our Betty Boop said "It's not what they say, it's the way they say it". I have said that to Mr. Best a bazillion times. Actually, many times it is what he says and the way he says it!

But, not going back to your old pattern is commendable! Congrats! Very proud of you!

Love - Sherry :h

[indiamike57]

A tough evening

Congrats Beth....9 days is awsome. I suppose all of us fignt with knowing we did not show others our best for a while and it will take time for them to even come close to understanding how guilty we feel but are trying hard for today and tomorrow.

I am on Antabuse too (Day 38) and have yet to even have a craving. I am just plain sick of it and want my life back. Today I can fix.

Best, Erin

PS. Aren't daughters awesome for snuggling and movies?

[Noelle]

A tough evening

Beth, you are doing great. I would feel exactly the same way you did and feel the same way today. I hold grudges, not for long, but still, it happens. I don't feel like worrying about what was "meant" and whether someone "understands." I am not perfect and I don't really know anyone who is. I'm well known for being empathetic with my family and while I don't expect them to feel as strong as I do, I expect something....anything! If I were just typing to them.....maybe I'd understand. But they get to see my face and my vocal imflections and my body language. The only thing I don't do is slap them in the face to get their attention.

Bad mood? Me? No, why do you ask? LOL

My husband is a great guy and he's a problem solver. Sometimes I need just some assurance and a "attagirl" but I get a grunt or a to do list. He means well! In fact I'm having a really hard time with my dad this year - he's making some really foolish decisions - and my husband's "there is no grey, there is only black and white" philosophy has helped me accept the tough decisions I've had to make to save myself given my dad's foolishness. Regarding my drinking, he would say just get rid of everything in the house and don't drink. Black and white. So my only confidantes are you all.

Disapprovingcat! I would ask you to bring my husband back as you obviously have him. But......nevermind, could you keep him for a week or so?

Is your husband an engineer or something along those lines? Don't you just love the "to do" lists?????? And the "let's solve the problem" when you just want them to shut their mouth, listen and say, well, anything that isn't only a solution??? Does your husband wonder why you spend so much time on here? Duh..........

[disapprovingcat]

A tough evening

Noelle;290176 wrote:


Disapprovingcat! I would ask you to bring my husband back as you obviously have him. But......nevermind, could you keep him for a week or so?

Is your husband an engineer or something along those lines? Don't you just love the "to do" lists?????? And the "let's solve the problem" when you just want them to shut their mouth, listen and say, well, anything that isn't only a solution??? Does your husband wonder why you spend so much time on here? Duh..........

haha! yes he is an engineer. how'd you know? :H In fact if you're familiar with Pulp Fiction, he's 'The Wolf" of his profession. And I'm outnumbered with no women in the house and my sister on the other side of the world.

I have to remind myself(!) that having emotions that are distinct from the straight line approach to "the end" are not only ok but necessary (if that makes sense to you and I suspect it might)

[Chief]

A tough evening

I think you are doing great, Beth.....

I'm proud of you....your husband just doesn't understand the problem. As far as his delivery of advice....that's a separate issue that has nothing to do with you drinking.....try and keep them separate.

Keep it up Beth...you are making wonderful progress..

Don

[Cinders]

A tough evening

Breez;290120 wrote: Hi Beth-

Don't be so harsh on hubby. I know it's hard. But I read somewhere that it takes your significant other to totally trust/believe in you the amount of time that you actually drank.

Breez,

You mean I have to be sober for 32 years before hubby gets it? I will be 84. That's great!!!!

:H

Love and lots of laughter,
Cindi

Actually, not kidding. I pray and hope it is not 32 years before hubby "gets it" that I am serious. I hope it is only a "few" years.

[bald headed old guy]

A tough evening

Beth,
CONGRATULATIONS AND :goodjob: And I am glad the antibuse is working out for you! I'm proud of you, you have come a long ways to be able to say, hey, day 9 already! WAY TO GO! Spouses can be ..difficult? perhaps? Mine had heard me say so many times, I'll get it under control...this time the difference is that with all the support from all the wonderful people on this site, I am actually doing it! (she has since told me she thought this was another empty promise.) And, fortunately, I do get "I'm proud of you" from her often! So I hope your husband can come around to see how much progress you have made!
YOU ROCK DR.
(your nickel is in the mail)
Stay Strong!
BHOG