Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

[Finding My Self]

I am going home today after my mum's funeral leaving my 86 year old Dad alone in his home of 51 years. He has lost his blood and breath in my mother and that house is is womb.

It's 6am and I can't sleep so am coming here for a bit of.....???

I am just so worried...he has doted to the extreme on Mum and now he seems to want to dote on me...as in the doting is the thing, not the person he is doting on; he is just a tiny baby in a huge body. Scared and lonely. And it is soooh sad.

But he is acting soooh jealous of anyone and anything in my life and is behaving like a toddler (I know regression is part of grief but...) He needs and wants my help but wont let me in to do anything because he is angry I have my partner and children and job and life back home. He just simmers and glowers and rants and chucks me out of the house....then wants me back the next day immediately...then out again... Just like he has been all my life with me, but mostly with my Mum when, of course, he didn't need/want me at all. And yet, if he spoke to you directly, you would think he is the bee's knees...charming, polite, and loving his daughter very much....in a sort of pitying sort of way....


So I will be 6 hours away without internet, phone line (just mobile) or driving licence and no money (he has stopped giving me anything from his 'rainy-day fund' which he only does if I come to see him alone and I have used up all this month's bill money this week). So getting up here lots will be out of my pocket and yet it's Easter next weekend - I am busy with loads of stuff with my kids and local things. But he'll be all alone. And, boy, will he let me know it - and strip another layer off my soul. I am ducking and diving the best I can but when I get home, it will really kick in I know.

I know it's pure manipulation, but without tools to steer this vessel myself (money, car, time, connections, communication with him - he wont talk), he is still at the helm and this thing is drifting hopelessly towards the rocks... (sorry, only analogy I can come up with.) And when it hits it will be awful. That's when I shall feel really, really guilty.

He has carers coming in each day but is going to have learn to be alone - without making me the scapegoat....??
But I'm the only one and he's my Dad and I want to help. I ought (and I hate that word usually) to be the one helping out - organising care. I got the carers he's got now to come but he's telling everyone he and his neighbour did it and that I don't care about him. There's so much to do with solicitors and carers and medically and in the (filthy) house but I feel so impotent. I've already got his neighbours telling me to call more, to come by more, to move up, to.....what so they know and there're clearly not going to 'defend my corner' while getting 'his version'.... just like my teens all over again.

I love my Dad. I am so worried and I know when I get home this will all hit; I so hope you don't mind my dump. I don't feel so alone if you know about it.

My pm's box has only two left...sorry...will try to sort it out when I get to an internet cafe. Can't just now as everyone's getting up and I have to log off...

Thanks for being there.... Damn it, I so wish he/I/it..............I don't know. It's not going to change, I know... I guess sadness is just going to be the name of the game forever around him and me. Unless he gets his own way and I 'lose my self' - can't. Wont.

Love
FMS xxx (HOMSS - hanging onto my self somehow.)

[AMELIA]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

Ouch,
your situation sounds incredibly painful FMS.:h
I don't have a wonderful relationship with my dad either. In fact I haven't spoken to him for some time. But I do still love him and would like to have a better relationship with him.
My mum is still alive (although separated from him at the moment) and I do have a brother and a sister - so the spotlight isn't on our relationship as much as it seems to be with you and your dad.
Sounds very sad. Don't be guilty though. Do what you can when you can for your dad.
You are going to have to accept that the situation is how it is and try not to beat yourself up about it. I has only been a month. The grief is still raw.
Give it time honey.
x

[Janice]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

God this situation is so close to home except my mam (who lives 300+ miles away) has my brother caring for her - except he's under mental health care, he's a paranoid sychizophrenic and on strong medication. Yes, he is her carer!!! I can so relate to everything you are saying. Oh how I wrestled with all those feelings over the years. I got social services in just before Dad died - they lasted 2 weeks, it was hopeless, mam wouldn't have anything to do with them. They have turned everything and everyone away. If I don't get involved I'm in the badbooks, if I do I'm interfering.

And, each time I got back on that A19 to travel back home all those guilty feelings started. I won't go on but I realise now that this is not all my problem to own. I used to think it was. I used to think it was up to me to sort it out. I can't. They won't change their lives. They won't budge, they are so stubborn. You cannot take full responsibility for the way your dad chooses to live. You have your own life. You are doing what you can and if thats not enough....
I probably already know the answer to this one - but would your dad consider coming down to stay with you for a while????

I wish I could say more, or I wish I had the time to find the right words to say the things I want to say to you. Janicexxx

[betty boop]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

Oh Feet,

My heart really goes out to you, but you should not feel guilty ........

You need to take some time out for YOU ......

Sorry I can't say more but you are certainly in my thoughts today ..........

[tea]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

Morning Finding,

Please, please, please look after your self, mainly your mind right now. My feelings are with you, honestly guilt is so heavy, you cannot take it all on, you are doing everything you can. Thinking of you.

Lx

[Beaches]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

Finding,
You have so much going on and so much on your plate. You can only do what you can do. Be okay with that. Thinking of you.

[greeneyes]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

Wowee.... .I can relate. People can only manipulate you to the extent that you allow it. And guilt is a tool to achieve that goal. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

[memarcie]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

:l:l

[Cinders]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

FMS,

I am sorry you are going through this.

Taking care of our parents is tough is there is all that baggage to go with it.

I have had two very loving, kind, giving parents and yet there is still a lot of intertwining, hard to deal with bits that go with it.

:l:l

and, take care of yourself, FMS. I have found if you don't do that, you can't take care of anyone.

Love,
Cindi

ps Don't worry about what the rest of the world thinks. You decide for yourself what the right thing to do is and then stick to it. The rest of the world can go figure its own life out.

[Gret]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

FMS,
When my mom died a little over a year ago, I knew it would fall on me to be Dad's carer. I'm here, the others are far away. He did regress and become childlike which angered me at first because he was suppose to be my rock like he always was when I was a child! It was hard for me to see him so immature! But it gets so much better over time, it really does. He learned to go on without Mom, the one who did absolutely everything for him! He takes care of himself better than ever now and wants to be healthy for himself and stick around for his children. He worries about us constantly, which bugs me, but if he must, he must. The guilt is tremendous, I know, but you will learn how useless it is and learn to push it aside and get on with your own grief too. You have to grieve the loss of your mom too!!! You have to feel your own pains and heartaches as well! It does get better, but it took me till now to realize that I do feel better! She died on Christmas Eve, 2006 and it is just now that I realize it's getting better for Dad and for me! It's still so raw for you, my heart just broke reading your story. You'll be fine, you really will. Peace to you.

[meditation mama]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

Hi, sweetie...

I'm always happy to see your posts. I look forward to see how you are doing (and growing) through all of this. You have just been through an emotional ordeal, the toughest of the tough. Especially under the circumstances in which you were connected to your family. I still am amazed at your strength and clarity. You are truly and inpiration, Finding.

Here is my .02... You Dad tight now is sort of like a toddler. One that has been left alone to do what he wants, but maybe that is not what he wants, just like a toddler. It is going to take him time to find his place within himself that he is comfortable, but he must also do this on his own. Not to say that you should leave him alone, because I am not saying that, just that know he also does needs to grieve in his way, and be scared, and he needs to find his feet, just like you.

That being said, maybe it would be good to look at the situation like you would with a toddler. You need to sit him down and speak to him a in very easy to understand, yet firm way and let him know what you can and cannot do. When these things are left up in the air, both you and your father are in a constant state of feeling bad. So, maybe tell him what you can do, like maybe come on Sundays, or every other Sunday. Or even better, like you would with a child, give him two options to chose from (both of which are OK with you). Then you both have a plan and then can relax and get back in to your own lives on the rest of the days. Something like that.. does that make sense? What I am saying, is basically, you need to take the, "the what is he thinking", and the "I can't do more" out of the equation.

No manipulation can be done by him if you have BOTH layed out a plan of how you can and will be able to spend time together. He will probably respect you for that, do you think? Then you can let go of the guilt and know you are doing what you can, but still maintaining control over your life.

Just food for thought... I love you, Finding. You are doing fantastic. I am very proud to know you.

Namaste,

MM

[Doggygirl]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

(((FMS))) Big Hugs to you my friend. I was so sorry to hear that you lost your mum, and now this. Please do NOT lose yourself. I wish I could tell you the secret to finding a healthy balance with your Dad - which of course cannot be based on succumbing to guilt based manipulations.

When you get home, will your insurance cover you to see a therapist to talk things over and get some ideas? Or maybe there is a grief support type group somewhere near you? I'm sure this situation is (sadly) all too common. But I'm sure there must be some resources out there to help you figure out the best way for you to deal with your Dad without being his pawn.

((((FMS)))) More hugs..

DG

[greeneyes]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

Finding, I hope I didn't come off as sounding uncaring. I have many issues with my dad right now and I wrote this long post but it got lost. I didn't have it in me to re-do it. My dad was my hero. I was his favorite. Now he's my child. My aunts tell me:
1) take care of yourself
2) take care of you husband
3) take care of your business (work)
4) take care of your pets
5) your daddy is being taken care of (nursing home, so this is a bit different for you)
6) don't even think about your sibilings
7) reread # 1

However, when his 2nd wife died years ago, he was distraught and I tried as best I could to fill the void. It was exhausting. He was very manipulative in that respect. I couldn't see it then but then got over it and now that he is in a nursing home having had a stroke, it has resurfaced. I feel for you. It's tough.

[Niblet]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this FMS.. Unfortunately your father knowingly or unknowingly is being selfish. You are a grown woman with a life of your own. Guilt is a horrible thing that will weigh you down so fast. Please know that we are all here for you... vent if you need to we will hear every word. xxx

[Accountable for Me]

Worried...need a bit of an ear...?

Thinking of you, FMS. I cannot even imagine the pain you must be feeling. I DO NOT look forward to the day my parent's pass away.

Please keep coming here as you can, and dump away. This is YOUR safe haven and we will all be here for you.

Much love always, AFM.