I am typing this at home before setting out to find an internet cafe.....I managed to get the phone back on yesterday but now have to re-apply for any internet connection. When I rang yesterday I had to speak to someone in another country on my mobile costing about ?20 ($35) to discover it will take a minimum of 7-10 working days........
It was melt down time! I think it all crashed in on me and it just made realise two things. 1. Just how much you all mean to me and 2. The sad fact that, whilst I don't hide drink any more, I still have to (choose to) 'hide' things because it is still to do with drink....you. Grrr! Only my daughter knows about here (and I still hope she's not had a 'little look') but my 'partner-of-last-year's-angst-who's-been-just-amazing-during-this-time' knows nothing and I really, really don't want him to; here is 'mine'. My place where I feel I can be me and if he or anyone were to know about it.....it would all be different. And as for any judgement of it, I would be in pieces!
So, although he is offering his poota for anything, he just didn't know why I was so upset! It was the same with the one I could use oaccasionally when up for the funeral.....ok, but there MWO out was in the search engine memory.....and nothing I could do to delete it (I can on mine of course - just where I don't need to!!!) but only click away on loads of other sites for ages after every log on to 'push it way down the list' out of sight...and still hope no one clicks on it. Any ideas gratefully received! I know I could delete all the search memory but what about the stuff the poota owner wants to keep!?!)
But this morning I shall get into a cafe and pay.... (Hey! It's a hotel and it's FREE!!!)
It is good to be home but horrible..... I know that bereavement carries denial, but this denial feels like (not to say is) less denial by me but a not acknowledging it has happened by those around me. Back 'home' (ha) I felt like the events manager and care worker. In fact, the carers around my father know more than me and I speak to them far more than to my family.
Father has (understandably I know) 'gone somewhere in his head' and my daughter #1 is up her own bum again and not really making any effort to stay in contact even when we were only half a mile away last week. She is back from Europe for a fortnight but far too busy with her father and step-mum and grandfather (my dad) to see us......Er, hello????? The one who says she wished I wanted a close family!?!?
And Dad's 'going off somewhere' is quite understandable to my 50 year old mind, but my inner child (darn it but love it) has lost her mum and her dad isn't anywhere to be found to even talk about it.
It feels like he was so massively resentful that I had come to my mother's funeral with my family - partner and 'children' (big) - and not on my own, that he just (literally) threw us out....threw me out.
So I am stuck with these weird feelings of feeling really sad and upset but not about my mum directly, but because so much family stuff has been (unsurprisingly) floodlit, my dad is nigh on ignoring me and I am both glad (he scares the s**t out of me) and 'abandoned' (if you will pardon the grandeur.)
I know that my grief deserves a place but I just can't find one - I suppose it might have been why melt down occured when I realised the one place it could have that place was really hard to get to without a long walk, cafe opening hours and hiding this precious place from those trying their hardest to help me! Confusing or what?!
Crazy world isn't it.....I know denial is part of this - this need to take in only as much as one can in little chunks....and just how important it is to talk about it, to read the letters of condolence, to deal with the many practical things (forms, belongings from the hospital etc) and organise the funeral....mainly because each of these little (!) actions gently reinforces the reality of the death....and so one moves through into the other emotions and evertual healing. Knowing it don't mean it happens! My dad wont show me the letter, the funeral just happened (the wake was a sad mess of not enough food and other organisational things. I read a passage I thought might be good and not one person mentioned the content but at least I got to do that. And I brought the flowers back from the crematorium for everyone ot enjoy but nobody looked and they died over the next few days having found no one who wanted them), I haven't told 'the story' (except of her illness) to anyone, my dad wouldn't show me the many letters sent (6 hours away now) and he is shutting me out of the practical things big time....and yet, guess who he is asking? My first ex husband and his wife, the dad of my daughter #1, the man he 'loathed' 30 years ago....why? Because this man sucks up to my dad in a really sad way and my dad loves it....adores it. Anyone who thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread and shows him 26 hours a day is a 'super fellow' by my dad. The love from his daughter, phwa....ha....rubbish. (Um, reads badly like jealously - sorry!)
I've got my mum's wedding rings which the funeral director gave to me just before the funeral...and all I can think about it the fury my dad will give me when he discovers I have them.... I wanted to give them to him but he chucked us out after then funeral....and here I am again in that 'place' between understanding why he is being like this but not having a clue how to be his daughter, my mum's daughter, me in all this emotion. It feels like I haven't the safe space to grieve as I have to look out for him - on two counts. For him and about him in case he launches another attack....
Hey, daft though eh.....? Here I am watching myself beat myself up for not being an A* griever! First time and I still think I have to be brilliant at it.....! How daft is that!?!
Well, there is so much going on....emotions rolling around, in and out, crashing and ebbing. I just wish I actually felt sad. But Easter is coming and school/college holidays. No daughter #1 or dad, and no mum, but that's as it's always been. The sun is shining, blue sky, spring flowers everywhere and Dad will just have to be on his own with the carers; I have always been here, I am still here but he doesn't want me or if he does, he just can't bring himself to ask. Karma? "We don't need anyone else, no, no, you stay with the children; we've got each other...." Sad eh? My heart bleeds for him. He's missed so much that could help now....but he had 51 years of that sort of marriage and that's something.
I'm going to post this with apologies for its length and neggy content....I'm feeling good jsut now but I hope you can sift through the content to somthing interesting! Thanks again for letting me dump! It really helps!
And am off to buy glue to mend my broken glasses so the next post might be legible! May arms are too short to both read and type and see with my ordinary glasses!!!
Thaks - lots of love all round,
It was melt down time! I think it all crashed in on me and it just made realise two things. 1. Just how much you all mean to me and 2. The sad fact that, whilst I don't hide drink any more, I still have to (choose to) 'hide' things because it is still to do with drink....you. Grrr! Only my daughter knows about here (and I still hope she's not had a 'little look') but my 'partner-of-last-year's-angst-who's-been-just-amazing-during-this-time' knows nothing and I really, really don't want him to; here is 'mine'. My place where I feel I can be me and if he or anyone were to know about it.....it would all be different. And as for any judgement of it, I would be in pieces!
So, although he is offering his poota for anything, he just didn't know why I was so upset! It was the same with the one I could use oaccasionally when up for the funeral.....ok, but there MWO out was in the search engine memory.....and nothing I could do to delete it (I can on mine of course - just where I don't need to!!!) but only click away on loads of other sites for ages after every log on to 'push it way down the list' out of sight...and still hope no one clicks on it. Any ideas gratefully received! I know I could delete all the search memory but what about the stuff the poota owner wants to keep!?!)
But this morning I shall get into a cafe and pay.... (Hey! It's a hotel and it's FREE!!!)
It is good to be home but horrible..... I know that bereavement carries denial, but this denial feels like (not to say is) less denial by me but a not acknowledging it has happened by those around me. Back 'home' (ha) I felt like the events manager and care worker. In fact, the carers around my father know more than me and I speak to them far more than to my family.
Father has (understandably I know) 'gone somewhere in his head' and my daughter #1 is up her own bum again and not really making any effort to stay in contact even when we were only half a mile away last week. She is back from Europe for a fortnight but far too busy with her father and step-mum and grandfather (my dad) to see us......Er, hello????? The one who says she wished I wanted a close family!?!?
And Dad's 'going off somewhere' is quite understandable to my 50 year old mind, but my inner child (darn it but love it) has lost her mum and her dad isn't anywhere to be found to even talk about it.
It feels like he was so massively resentful that I had come to my mother's funeral with my family - partner and 'children' (big) - and not on my own, that he just (literally) threw us out....threw me out.
So I am stuck with these weird feelings of feeling really sad and upset but not about my mum directly, but because so much family stuff has been (unsurprisingly) floodlit, my dad is nigh on ignoring me and I am both glad (he scares the s**t out of me) and 'abandoned' (if you will pardon the grandeur.)
I know that my grief deserves a place but I just can't find one - I suppose it might have been why melt down occured when I realised the one place it could have that place was really hard to get to without a long walk, cafe opening hours and hiding this precious place from those trying their hardest to help me! Confusing or what?!
Crazy world isn't it.....I know denial is part of this - this need to take in only as much as one can in little chunks....and just how important it is to talk about it, to read the letters of condolence, to deal with the many practical things (forms, belongings from the hospital etc) and organise the funeral....mainly because each of these little (!) actions gently reinforces the reality of the death....and so one moves through into the other emotions and evertual healing. Knowing it don't mean it happens! My dad wont show me the letter, the funeral just happened (the wake was a sad mess of not enough food and other organisational things. I read a passage I thought might be good and not one person mentioned the content but at least I got to do that. And I brought the flowers back from the crematorium for everyone ot enjoy but nobody looked and they died over the next few days having found no one who wanted them), I haven't told 'the story' (except of her illness) to anyone, my dad wouldn't show me the many letters sent (6 hours away now) and he is shutting me out of the practical things big time....and yet, guess who he is asking? My first ex husband and his wife, the dad of my daughter #1, the man he 'loathed' 30 years ago....why? Because this man sucks up to my dad in a really sad way and my dad loves it....adores it. Anyone who thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread and shows him 26 hours a day is a 'super fellow' by my dad. The love from his daughter, phwa....ha....rubbish. (Um, reads badly like jealously - sorry!)
I've got my mum's wedding rings which the funeral director gave to me just before the funeral...and all I can think about it the fury my dad will give me when he discovers I have them.... I wanted to give them to him but he chucked us out after then funeral....and here I am again in that 'place' between understanding why he is being like this but not having a clue how to be his daughter, my mum's daughter, me in all this emotion. It feels like I haven't the safe space to grieve as I have to look out for him - on two counts. For him and about him in case he launches another attack....
Hey, daft though eh.....? Here I am watching myself beat myself up for not being an A* griever! First time and I still think I have to be brilliant at it.....! How daft is that!?!
Well, there is so much going on....emotions rolling around, in and out, crashing and ebbing. I just wish I actually felt sad. But Easter is coming and school/college holidays. No daughter #1 or dad, and no mum, but that's as it's always been. The sun is shining, blue sky, spring flowers everywhere and Dad will just have to be on his own with the carers; I have always been here, I am still here but he doesn't want me or if he does, he just can't bring himself to ask. Karma? "We don't need anyone else, no, no, you stay with the children; we've got each other...." Sad eh? My heart bleeds for him. He's missed so much that could help now....but he had 51 years of that sort of marriage and that's something.
I'm going to post this with apologies for its length and neggy content....I'm feeling good jsut now but I hope you can sift through the content to somthing interesting! Thanks again for letting me dump! It really helps!
And am off to buy glue to mend my broken glasses so the next post might be legible! May arms are too short to both read and type and see with my ordinary glasses!!!
Thaks - lots of love all round,
c: :heart:
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