I had a strange experience last night. I didn't drink for 19 days and did a lot of reading and analysis of how I respond to situations now based on past trauma experiences. I also talked as honestly as I could to my husband about what I was thinking. So Sun night we went out for dinner and with his consent and support, I had two belgian beers. We're both fans and there is really a lot of variety out there. I used to enjoy trying all sorts. Then last night, we decided to split one bottle of red wine. The strange part about both of these nights is that I didn't wake up the next day feeling guilty. I hadn't had too much and I hadn't had it in secret. It was enjoyable, like it used to be. I also had no desire to drink the next day. It was nice but I value the time I have when my mind is clear and I can enjoy the other things in my life. I have no idea at this point what this will mean for the future. Quite possibly I still should not drink and that may be the decision I come to. But I really feel like I'm reframing how I view drinking. It isn't a way to escape stress and anxiety. It's an occasional pleasurable past time. I do know that if I started drinking every day or even every other, I could descend into the abyss again. Alcohol would gain a strong hold again and I would stop thinking about the rest of life. But whatever decision I make, it will be a choice, rather than a reaction.
I take a lot of supplements. I don't take Topa. I think the supplements are helping.
I'm also half way through the book Trauma and Addiction. It seems so clear that those who experience trauma see things in black and white without an ability to modulate emotions based on the actual situation. At least I do. Either I must drink to oblivion or not at all. I must feel intensely or not at all. I don't know how to operate in "normal" life because I didn't learn how. I feel like experiencing situations that allow me to reframe past experiences through new perspectives will teach me that. And every positive experience teaches me that I can do this (whatever it is). Success take the control away from alcohol and gives it back to me.
Another interesting point from the book is that trauma stops you from forming relationship bonds with people, no surprise. But what is interesting is that when you get into a new relationship that offers support (friendship, romantic etc), it opens up emotional pathways that you experienced negatively before. So you think there's something wrong with the current relationship because you're reliving the past and relying on the same information that doesn't necessarily apply to the current relationship. That is something that has always scared me and kept me isolated. But in actuality, the new relationship might be an opportunity to work through the past issues in a healthy supportive environment. This was such a relief to me because this is exactly what's happening with my husband. He's wonderful yet I want to push him away. Being alone is easier. But if I reframe the past abusive relationships in the context of the present supportive one, I can add positive relationship experiences to my emotional vocabulary and learn how to connect.
Hope you're all having a wonderful Thurs! I love how much positivity is here right now!
I take a lot of supplements. I don't take Topa. I think the supplements are helping.
I'm also half way through the book Trauma and Addiction. It seems so clear that those who experience trauma see things in black and white without an ability to modulate emotions based on the actual situation. At least I do. Either I must drink to oblivion or not at all. I must feel intensely or not at all. I don't know how to operate in "normal" life because I didn't learn how. I feel like experiencing situations that allow me to reframe past experiences through new perspectives will teach me that. And every positive experience teaches me that I can do this (whatever it is). Success take the control away from alcohol and gives it back to me.
Another interesting point from the book is that trauma stops you from forming relationship bonds with people, no surprise. But what is interesting is that when you get into a new relationship that offers support (friendship, romantic etc), it opens up emotional pathways that you experienced negatively before. So you think there's something wrong with the current relationship because you're reliving the past and relying on the same information that doesn't necessarily apply to the current relationship. That is something that has always scared me and kept me isolated. But in actuality, the new relationship might be an opportunity to work through the past issues in a healthy supportive environment. This was such a relief to me because this is exactly what's happening with my husband. He's wonderful yet I want to push him away. Being alone is easier. But if I reframe the past abusive relationships in the context of the present supportive one, I can add positive relationship experiences to my emotional vocabulary and learn how to connect.
Hope you're all having a wonderful Thurs! I love how much positivity is here right now!
Comment