SO CLOSE TO QUITTING

[SK8RGRL]

hi guys, been a while since I've posted mainly cuz i've been trying to keep busy and active to maintain my sobriety. I am 78 days today without a drop of the poison that's blighted and dragged me through the hell of the past several years of my life. Fortunately I am sporty. My skating has kept me at a level of health I don't deserve, so I guess I am luckier than many. I have managed to acquire this daily total of AF days with a mixture of reading posts here, sedatives and antidepressants from my doctor and regular AA meetings. I have to say tho that tonight I have come the closest so far to picking up a drink... and it's scared me. A really bad AA meeting yesterday has freaked me. played on my mind all day. The room was full of so much negativity and anger I came out wanting a drink! AA has helped me, a lot more than I ever thought it would. (I was a third timer at it and this time I felt I clicked with it) but lately all this talk of God, and getting on my knees has overwhelmed me. I am always told to take the best bits and leave the rest. stick with the winners, take it a day at a time etc etc and that's what I have done. But yesterday was just too much for me to handle, just a very heavy meeting. Also people seem to assume..just because I look ok that I can't have that much of a problem. well hellooo, how low does one have to go to realise they have a problem.. isn't blacking out every night and a suicide attempt that ended up with me being in hospital enough?? it's only because I am relatively fit and maintained the roll of a functioning alcoholic that I didn't slip any further down. I am very disillusioned with AA right now and don't know whether to give it a break. All my organisational skills have vanished. I always rewarded my self with a bottle or 2 of red wine when I had finished the jobs..it spurred me on to do them..bit like the carrot in front of the donkey! but now that has gone there just doesn't seem to be any incentive. Also I only faced the banking and paperwork with a drink in my hand. It's like now I don't have that incentive or crutch, I don't want to deal with things. Well tonight I have come so close to saying "fuck" it, just go get pissed! I suffer from eating disorders. When I drank these were not controllable and I ate all the crap i could get my hands on, well now.. out with the booze has gone my food. I am such an all or nothing person and I swap one thing for another. People are telling me I am getting too thin but I really don't care. it's as tho nothing matters any more. I am sorry to vent. Just on a major downer. Also a close friend of mine has moved away today. Seems I suffer from separation anxiety too! so I am very very pissed off, but up to now I haven't picked up a drink. I have an orange juice and have taken a sedative so that should buy me another AF day. I just don't know how long I can keep it going for. thanks for reading hope I haven't brought you all down with me XX

[sammys]

SO CLOSE TO QUITTING

Hi, glad you posted. I am here for you and congrats on 78 days. Can not help you with any AA advice but it does sound like it has worked for you so far. No saying fuck it ok.


Sammys

[betty boop]

SO CLOSE TO QUITTING

OMG 78 days!!!!!! That is absolutely amazing!!!!!!!

Max, be strong love, don't drink .......... go back to AA, one bad meeting isn't the end of the world ........

I am SOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU .........

Love & Hugs, BB xx

[FallenAngel]

SO CLOSE TO QUITTING

Hello SK8RGRL

SK8RGRL;295593 wrote: I have to say tho that tonight I have come the closest so far to picking up a drink... and it's scared me. A really bad AA meeting yesterday has freaked me. played on my mind all day. The room was full of so much negativity and anger I came out wanting a drink! AA has helped me, a lot more than I ever thought it would. ....
I am very disillusioned with AA right now and don't know whether to give it a break.
All my organizational skills have vanished. I always rewarded my self with a bottle or 2 of red wine when I had finished the jobs..it spurred me on to do them..bit like the carrot in front of the donkey! but now that has gone there just doesn't seem to be any incentive.

I don't have any experience with AA, but with what you have said, it seems like it has helped you enormously in the past... is it possible to go find another AA group in your area? Or maybe last night was an exception to what your group is usually like?? Most the times when we ask ourselves if we need a break, we've already given ourselves the answer.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean by "rewards" for a job done... I used to be a smoker, and every chore I did seemed to be associated with a cigarette as the dangling carrot. What I have learned is to substitute other things... if I get a job done, I give myself a block of time to do something else... like go on the PC, read or work on an art project.
Some of these issues that we encounter can be just has hard to battle as the addiction itself.
Between my smoking & sobriety quits...I have gone through many months of listlessness, no drive, and even no interest in what I used to love doing. We need to come up with new ways of handling these things..get creative & inventive!