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    #1

    Not so cured . . . fell last night.

    After I passed the 60 day mark a few weeks ago, I began thinking about being able to moderate. I posted on here and asked advice about moderating. Several folks were wise enough to tell me to stick with AF at least until 90 days, but I kept wondering and had to find out if I could moderate. The answer is no.

    Last Thursday night, I bought a bottle of wine to have with my husband. We had a glass while watching tv and then I made us drink a big glass of water before having another glass. I felt ok. I don't know what I expected - to instantly feel off or for it to go to my head faster than it used to or what - but I felt normal.

    Yesterday, the urge was there again and this time I knew it wasn't the urge to sit and enjoy wine with Easter dinner - that would have been fine. this was for the hard stuff and while my husband was out for a bike ride, I went to my old favorite place and got a pint of rum. Hid it in the glovebox at first and then decided if I was going to drink I was going to be honest with him. I took it in our bedroom and had a rum and diet going when he got home. He didn't seem to notice. Then I had a second. he had a beer and he still didn't appear to notice I was drinking anything or he hadn't seen it on the counter.

    Long story a little shorter - I drank the whole damn thing last night. One isn't enough. Two isn't enough - it is there so I am going to finish it.

    All those things I got rid of - waking up at 3:00 am when the "passed out" wears off and the headache starts, forgetting how the show ended, forgetting tucking my daughter in, trying to get him drunk (or at least tipsy) too, having more adventurous sex with DH than we do when sober. And of course feeling enormously guilty this morning. All right back at me.

    60 days wasn't enough. Nor was 71, which is the day I had the wine. My body, my brain, can't stop with one and the hard stuff I certainly don't want.

    So I feel guilty, and disappointed in myself, and mad at myself (I knew the difference yesterday and knew I shouldn't do rum - if anything maybe wine), I'm slightly disappointed in my husband for not saying anything about it because I can't imagine he didn't notice me stumbling and slurring. My stomach is upset and I'm dehydrated. I'm sad because this pretty much answers the question for me - can I moderate? No. At least not anytime in the near future.

    I have been thinking back over the last 3 months and how good I felt, how close to my husband, how I remember everything and have enjoyed life more, how my brain has not been cloudy and I've been able to focus so much more at work and at everything in my life. I've been able to lose weight and gain confidence from that. That is what I want and having reminded myself of the other side, I'm more certain of that.

    So I dust myself off. Line up the supplements. Drink lots of water today. And start stringing those AF days back together.
    Member since January 2008
    AF since August 25, 2008
    Tags: None
    #2
    Not so cured . . . fell last night.

    Hi TH,

    Well, you thought you could become a MODer.....I am sure that thought has crossed many of our minds as we gather days of sobriety and begin to feel really good! After all, others appear to be able to mod without problems..right? This alcohol addiction is so tricky, so decieving!

    But listen, after a little experimenting, you have quickly come to the conclusion that AL is not good for you. A's promises of relaxation, fun, frolic etc are False promises. You know that! You are right, dust yourself off and jump back into being AF ! I know for me, I cannot and do not even entertain the posibility of being able to control my alcohol intake with Modding. If I did, I would drink again. Period. I consider myself "Alergic" to alcohol. I would not touch anything else that I were alergic to, thinking it would not make me sick.

    Best wishes to you TM.....hope you feel better soon! Glad to have you back on the AF Track!

    XXXX Kate
    A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes~Cinderella

    AF 12/6/2007

    Comment

      #3
      Not so cured . . . fell last night.

      :l Nothing to add that you haven't said yourself, thanks for reminding me that I cannot have ONE drink, keep telling myself that a drink = drunk, no inbetweens for me either. Day one for me again and yes I am feeling all the shame, guilt, disgust and repulse at myself....:upset::upset: No one to blame but ME.

      Lxx
      Rather die standing, than live on my knees, begging Please..... No More.......

      Comment

        #4
        Not so cured . . . fell last night.

        TODAY -AF

        TOH - Not so cured. Those are words I will hang above all other thoughts I have in the future when I think of AL.

        I know it does not feel good today - but this will Strengthen you IF you stop today. DO NOT DELAY IN BECOMING AF TODAY. How much I am sending you a supportive PULL - HUG - and asking you to focus ALL EYES ON BEING AF TODAY. I am about to enter the 90 days. When I read your post that you were thinking about Moderating - I think I posted but can't remember. Part of my problem with MWO is that being on a site with moderators and abstainers is that once we know we are abstainers (because I CAN'T MODERATE) It's hard to give advice when you see someone is headed this direction. What do we do?

        TOH - I was able to stop drinking 10 years ago for 8 months. I thought I could start drinking a little here and there. It has taken me 10 years LATER to get these 84 days behind me. So my advice - this will be a SLIP if you stop right now. This will be the beginning of a 10 year run if you do not. You have a great run of AF days - This slip is just going to be a great lesson if you will let it be the teacher. Be the student and become AF today - tomorrow and the next day. Then the fear will subside and you will be looking at the "lesson Learned".

        I am hear for you --
        Liv
        AF since Jan. 1, 2008 .... It all began right here


        Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you made it now.


        (from the Movie "Once")

        Comment

          #5
          Not so cured . . . fell last night.

          TOH -

          Thanks for opening up to all of us and being so honest. That probably was no so easy. And I am glad to hear you are focused on going AF again. That is a big step too....not just slipping back. Do keep posting with your progress....

          Comment

            #6
            Not so cured . . . fell last night.

            TOH,

            Thank you for this post. I am at Day 50 and have been considering moderating at 90 days or whenever I feel I can handle it. Prior to this AF stretch, I had been moderating with some success and some failure - yep, just like you with the rum only mine was JD. My AF goal was to make it through Lent. Nothing religious about this - I'm not even Catholic. I made it through and have decided to remain AF. I hope I can keep your and others experiences in mind should I try modding.

            Thanks again,
            Beck
            Beck

            Sometimes you get there in spite of your route, losing track of your life and what it's about, the road seems to know when to straighten right out...Mary Chapin Carpenter

            Comment

              #7
              Not so cured . . . fell last night.

              Just a comment about "Modding".......RJ uses several excellent analogies regarding whether or not to attempt moderating. Liv, quoted one of these on another thread today. Ask yourself, can I treat alcohol like butter, one pat is enough! Another one is, when drinking lemonade, do we worry and have to use great self control to have just one or two glasses? Can you be certain that your thoughts towards alcohol would be the same as drinking lemonade?

              The point is that modding means the ability to treat alcohol as we would any other food or beverage. If we are not absolutely certain, key word here is "certain", that we positively wil not drink to excess. Then staying AF is the only choice.

              I know, AF is the only safe course for me!

              KH
              A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes~Cinderella

              AF 12/6/2007

              Comment

                #8
                Not so cured . . . fell last night.

                TOH, thank you for your honest post. It's a big reminder to me that I cannot moderate. I can never stop at just one glass. I know it. I'm back at day 1 and disappointed. It's good knowing I'm not alone in this vicious struggle.

                Love and Peace
                When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
                -- Franklin D Roosevelt --

                Comment

                  #9
                  Not so cured . . . fell last night.

                  Total Abstinence

                  Hi TOH! Enjoyed your post a lot as it is so positive. I think it serves as a good lesson to many who may still be under the illusion that they can safely return to moderating after a few months of abstinence. I tried this over 10 years ago after a stint in AA and then deluded myself that my drinking was not a problem anymore. YEAH RIGHT!! that's why I'm here on the forum NOW!!!!. I've wasted too many years for me to even consider moderation as I know I cannot do it. It simply is not an option for me anymore. Not now or EVER!!

                  Love and Happiness
                  Hippie
                  xx
                  "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
                  Clean and sober 25th January 2009

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Not so cured . . . fell last night.

                    TiredofHiding;297226 wrote: After I passed the 60 day mark a few weeks ago, I began thinking about being able to moderate. I posted on here and asked advice about moderating. Several folks were wise enough to tell me to stick with AF at least until 90 days, but I kept wondering and had to find out if I could moderate. The answer is no.


                    So I feel guilty, and disappointed in myself, and mad at myself


                    I have been thinking back over the last 3 months and how good I felt,
                    So I dust myself off. Line up the supplements. Drink lots of water today. And start stringing those AF days back together.
                    Although you might be disappointed in yourself right now, I think you are on the right track! You've seen how good you feel without the booze, and you see how you feel when you try to drink again. I went through that many times.... I really didn't want AL to be totally out of my life... I thought with diligence, I could moderate. I tried that many times, and every time, in a matter of weeks, I was right back to drinking like I used to. I finally realized if I was ever going to get my drinking under control, I would have to quit for good. Although I have had some tough times in my quit, I truly believe that overall, it has been easier to abstain than to moderate... I no longer have to obsess about if I'm going to drink too much or too often, this in many ways, is very liberating for me.

                    A little point I would like to make:
                    You only drank one day.... that does not erase the 3 months that you did. It was only a bump in the road... a lesson learned.... the important thing it that you have dusted yourself off & are getting right back on! :goodjob:
                    AF 6 years
                    NF 7 years

                    A journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Not so cured . . . fell last night.

                      Tired,
                      Thanks for sharing~ there is a bright side of your post~ you woke up today with a renewed conviction that AF is your choice.

                      It would have been much easier this morning to drink a gallon of gatorade, swallow a couple of Excedrin, and if your hubbie or daughter asked you how you were feeling... responding with a resounding "Great!".... and once everyone's gone, crashing for a couple of hours of zzzzzzzzzzs to get rid of AL.

                      And then, it would have been easier to review the night and assure yourself that it was the RUM, not the alcohol.... so, instead of facing the truth, you would then traipse to the liquor store to get a bottle of wine to prove to yourself (and us) that yes, you could moderate- just not with rum.

                      So, my hats off to you, girl, because you screwed up. Fell, but brushed off your knees and elbows, but stayed true to your journey. GOOD FOR YOU. :heart:

                      May I suggest having a brutally honest talk with hubbie tonight? Maybe he didn't want to say anything yesterday because he was looking for the crazy, sexy, delightful creature to slither into bed next to him.... (yeah, she drank too much, but why ruin the mood when there's nothing to do to change it ).... but tonight, you owe it to yourself to tell him that you made a mistake that you don't plan on repeating any time soon, and asking for that support that you deserve.

                      Much love, :l

                      Patty
                      Tampa, FL

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Not so cured . . . fell last night.

                        Thank you all. I knew I would find the understanding I needed here - I screwed up, but I learned the answer to my question. Now I keep moving forward. I don't want to go back to 0. . . I am going to consider myself at day 75 with 1 experiment and 1 slip.

                        I also hope that my experience helps others who might be toying with the idea of moderating. I'm impressed by those who can . .. I'm apparently not one of those people.

                        Thank you all - - I never would have made it 73 AF days if I hadn't found this site.
                        Member since January 2008
                        AF since August 25, 2008

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Not so cured . . . fell last night.

                          Maybe Hubby didn't say anything because he didn't want to creat a guilt trip...? Just a thought.
                          I know that's happened here @ our house...before...

                          Hard alcohol affects me completely differently than lite beer (which is all I allow myself...being a modder) To me it's a whole different beast. I still have to be vigilant though.

                          Hope you're feeling better.

                          Get back on that horse girl... Congrats on 75!
                          The only thing worth stealing is a kiss...:flower: zwink:

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Not so cured . . . fell last night.

                            Hi ToH!

                            I personally try not get bogged down counting days myself. What matters to me is that I made a life changing decision on 2nd June last year and that's when my journey started. That's the date I will always remember in my head when I tell my daughter, one day in the future, why her daddy doesn't drink alcohol.

                            So i agree with you in the sense of not thinking along the lines of loosing all those A/F days. It serves no purpose to think of yourself back at square one again. Such a depressing thought and not one that is going to help you to continue to stay sober is it?. You have such a positive approach to your sobriety and in the end is it that will help you more than anything.

                            Love and Happiness
                            Hippie
                            xx
                            "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
                            Clean and sober 25th January 2009

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Not so cured . . . fell last night.

                              Toh, don't feel too bad, I was 18 months AF when I thought I could moderate....that was November 2006. I'm now on day 42 of being AF again. I sound very similar to you, it's all or nothing for me!

                              And no, don't go back to 0, that would be very depressing and have a negative affect on all the hard work you've done.

                              I'm glad you seem to have learnt from this slip up.

                              I wish I could Mod too, but I don't see the point in drinking wine (or any AL) if it is not to get blotto!
                              'The only people who give you a hard time (for stopping drinking) are those who used to look to your drinking to excess to legitimise theirs, and they'll find someone else to do that in time. '
                              From an Amazon review of Allan Carr's ' Easy Way to Control Alcohol'

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