My trip to Baltimore was pretty depressing and for some stupid reason I'm still depressed although nothing *really* bad happened. And two really good things did happen.
We left on Saturday and my husband was driving like a lunatic, as usual for whenever we drive a long distance. Daughter is in front seat, I'm in the back. Husband gets right on the car in front of him's ass and mutters to himself about what bad driver's they are. I HATE this. I'm thinking, "What the hell am I doing in this car and I don't know if I can sit in this car for the next 4 1/2 hours!" Tears start to drip down my cheeks. Husband notices in rear view mirror and says, "Do you want to go home??? Will you feel better??" I say, "Stop driving like that, it scares me!!" Daughter turns around and notices the tears and I'm now sobbing. (Embarrassing) She says, "Mom, it'll be okay, you just sit next to me the whole time. Dad, she doesn't *want* to go home, she's just worried about the weekend." I see through my tears my daughters hand which is stretched to the backseat and grab it, practically crunching bones. Who is this child and what did I do to deserve her?????? Again I thank God I've quit drinking. This is first good thing that happens.
Saturday's dinner is okay, especially sitting next to daughter. Fish SIL wants everyone to sing kareoke and please come up to the bar. This is "her" bar, her home. Everyone is disgusted. I leave without saying goodbye to her and she is hurt. She does not remember this the next day.
Sunday brunch at a restaurant FIL and step-MIL (aka, main fish) frequent, especially the bar. My step-MIL (she's 2 weeks younger than me, but acts like she's 20 years older), has been drinking since 12am. Yes, AM. She gives up hard liquor for Lent and at 12am she starts drinking Southern Comfort. This has been a family joke for years. We order lunch. Way over an hour passes but everyone is talking, joking, eating bread and salad. (I don't notice the lack of lunch, but maybe the others do.) Only she and SIL fish are drinking. Suddenly she notices how long lunch is taking. Screaming ensues. "Where is our waitress??? We ordered 2 hours ago!!!!!! What the F*** is going on here????" More screaming and cursing, then hushing by FIL and their son. I've seen her like this before but not in public. The whole restaurant, which mainly consists of elderly people (canes, walkers, oxygen) becomes silent and stares. I, surprisingly, feel nothing. I just stare. The food comes shortly afterwards, conversation starts again like nothing happened. Everyone glances at one another, knowing this will be something to laugh and talk about for weeks. It will become part of family legend.
Second good thing happens. Daughter says to me, "Mom, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am that you've stopped drinking and you are handling all this so well." I quick hug her and kiss her ear. I'm very glad she's said it. But I feel nothing! Shouldn't you feel joyful, happy that your daughter said something like that???
We come home and that's it. I haven't been the same since that happened. I don't understand why. I've hardly been on here, it's like something is keeping me away. I don't have a clue. It's like I lost my feelings somewhere. Well, I am feeling pretty sad right now......maybe my eyes are a little teary. Anyway, I thought if I wrote about it, it would help.
Sooooo, back to reading, sitting in the hole my butt is leaving in the sofa. Even though I'm not posting, I *am* thinking of y'all. :h
We left on Saturday and my husband was driving like a lunatic, as usual for whenever we drive a long distance. Daughter is in front seat, I'm in the back. Husband gets right on the car in front of him's ass and mutters to himself about what bad driver's they are. I HATE this. I'm thinking, "What the hell am I doing in this car and I don't know if I can sit in this car for the next 4 1/2 hours!" Tears start to drip down my cheeks. Husband notices in rear view mirror and says, "Do you want to go home??? Will you feel better??" I say, "Stop driving like that, it scares me!!" Daughter turns around and notices the tears and I'm now sobbing. (Embarrassing) She says, "Mom, it'll be okay, you just sit next to me the whole time. Dad, she doesn't *want* to go home, she's just worried about the weekend." I see through my tears my daughters hand which is stretched to the backseat and grab it, practically crunching bones. Who is this child and what did I do to deserve her?????? Again I thank God I've quit drinking. This is first good thing that happens.
Saturday's dinner is okay, especially sitting next to daughter. Fish SIL wants everyone to sing kareoke and please come up to the bar. This is "her" bar, her home. Everyone is disgusted. I leave without saying goodbye to her and she is hurt. She does not remember this the next day.
Sunday brunch at a restaurant FIL and step-MIL (aka, main fish) frequent, especially the bar. My step-MIL (she's 2 weeks younger than me, but acts like she's 20 years older), has been drinking since 12am. Yes, AM. She gives up hard liquor for Lent and at 12am she starts drinking Southern Comfort. This has been a family joke for years. We order lunch. Way over an hour passes but everyone is talking, joking, eating bread and salad. (I don't notice the lack of lunch, but maybe the others do.) Only she and SIL fish are drinking. Suddenly she notices how long lunch is taking. Screaming ensues. "Where is our waitress??? We ordered 2 hours ago!!!!!! What the F*** is going on here????" More screaming and cursing, then hushing by FIL and their son. I've seen her like this before but not in public. The whole restaurant, which mainly consists of elderly people (canes, walkers, oxygen) becomes silent and stares. I, surprisingly, feel nothing. I just stare. The food comes shortly afterwards, conversation starts again like nothing happened. Everyone glances at one another, knowing this will be something to laugh and talk about for weeks. It will become part of family legend.
Second good thing happens. Daughter says to me, "Mom, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am that you've stopped drinking and you are handling all this so well." I quick hug her and kiss her ear. I'm very glad she's said it. But I feel nothing! Shouldn't you feel joyful, happy that your daughter said something like that???
We come home and that's it. I haven't been the same since that happened. I don't understand why. I've hardly been on here, it's like something is keeping me away. I don't have a clue. It's like I lost my feelings somewhere. Well, I am feeling pretty sad right now......maybe my eyes are a little teary. Anyway, I thought if I wrote about it, it would help.
Sooooo, back to reading, sitting in the hole my butt is leaving in the sofa. Even though I'm not posting, I *am* thinking of y'all. :h
ray:
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