Good morning, my friends!
Well, I am getting close to the 90 day mark, somewhere in the week, or so... Thought I might check in with myself..
Soooo, MM, how are we feeling these days???
I was sitting in the sun last night feeling a bit lost, happy, lonely, and content all at the same time. Whew! BUT, I am getting used to ALLOWING myself to feel these feelings. I think that is the most remarkable thing for me at this point. I remember back at the 60-day mark I was having a bit of tough time. I felt like the feelings were just overwhelming me. Like a flood, or I think I described them as waves hitting me in the face - over and over and over. Now, I kind of feel like they are all swirling around inside of me looking for a home.. does that make sense? If I were to articulate it further it would be like little lights buzzing around inside my body looking for a place to plug in.. yeah, something like that. Anyway, for me it means that I am starting to wake up even more. It scares the hell out of me and excites me to no end - all at the same time - I'm just going with it......
I have days where it is hard still. I really do. I am a tough sell.. I had convinced myself for many, many years that the way I lived was perfectly OK. And on the outside, and to most people, it was pretty good. So, some days I really have to dig deep and remember the bad times. I have to remind myself the loneliness I felt most mornings, the helplessness I felt when I couldn't stop drinking, the emptiness (not the good kind) I felt inside - which was really just lack of emotions, the sadness I felt when I couldn't do the things I wanted to do with my daughter, the frustration I felt when I looked at my body, all of those things I must remind myself of. Especially on the days I feel so good.
Today is one of those days I must remind myself. It is Friday. My DD is at her Dad's, the sun is shining, I have already been invited to a gathering where there will be a lot of drinking, and I am still feeling the emotional triggers from being at my parents.
SO! I came here to write it out, I made myself a sticky with the reason I don't want to drink today and will post it on my rearview mirror for when I get off work, the time when my mind may want to "forget" the above mentioned...and I will not go to the gathering, not today.
I MUST PROTECT MY SOBRIETY. That is my mantra. "I" must protect my sobriety.
I read this in my email today....
"Irrigators lead the water; fletchers fashion the shaft; carpenters carve the wood; the wise discipline themselves."
~Buddha from the Dhammapada
"I" must discipline "MYSELF".. it is up to me... and that's OK now.
Have a fantastic day...
Namaste,
MM
Well, I am getting close to the 90 day mark, somewhere in the week, or so... Thought I might check in with myself..
Soooo, MM, how are we feeling these days???
I was sitting in the sun last night feeling a bit lost, happy, lonely, and content all at the same time. Whew! BUT, I am getting used to ALLOWING myself to feel these feelings. I think that is the most remarkable thing for me at this point. I remember back at the 60-day mark I was having a bit of tough time. I felt like the feelings were just overwhelming me. Like a flood, or I think I described them as waves hitting me in the face - over and over and over. Now, I kind of feel like they are all swirling around inside of me looking for a home.. does that make sense? If I were to articulate it further it would be like little lights buzzing around inside my body looking for a place to plug in.. yeah, something like that. Anyway, for me it means that I am starting to wake up even more. It scares the hell out of me and excites me to no end - all at the same time - I'm just going with it......
I have days where it is hard still. I really do. I am a tough sell.. I had convinced myself for many, many years that the way I lived was perfectly OK. And on the outside, and to most people, it was pretty good. So, some days I really have to dig deep and remember the bad times. I have to remind myself the loneliness I felt most mornings, the helplessness I felt when I couldn't stop drinking, the emptiness (not the good kind) I felt inside - which was really just lack of emotions, the sadness I felt when I couldn't do the things I wanted to do with my daughter, the frustration I felt when I looked at my body, all of those things I must remind myself of. Especially on the days I feel so good.
Today is one of those days I must remind myself. It is Friday. My DD is at her Dad's, the sun is shining, I have already been invited to a gathering where there will be a lot of drinking, and I am still feeling the emotional triggers from being at my parents.
SO! I came here to write it out, I made myself a sticky with the reason I don't want to drink today and will post it on my rearview mirror for when I get off work, the time when my mind may want to "forget" the above mentioned...and I will not go to the gathering, not today.
I MUST PROTECT MY SOBRIETY. That is my mantra. "I" must protect my sobriety.
I read this in my email today....
"Irrigators lead the water; fletchers fashion the shaft; carpenters carve the wood; the wise discipline themselves."
~Buddha from the Dhammapada
"I" must discipline "MYSELF".. it is up to me... and that's OK now.
Have a fantastic day...
Namaste,
MM
c: :heart:
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