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    #1

    the real me am scare

    i think so much i try to stay calm alot of the time . and i remember alot more now .and i am reading so much but when it all comes down to it. i still think of drinking and just letting if all go .alot of poeple that know me and look at me said that i am doing a great job . but i feel like iam living a lie. the real me just want to let go of everything to hell wih it . who am i kidding. am really not happy this way. it feel like i am cutting my self short . when i really think about what really happen yes i need anger management but when i drink i was happy most of the time i wanted to go to work everyday i wanted to do more things . these day i feel like i am the walking dead cant sleep i eat alot now thats good .but it really feels like i just want to quit everything. to tell you the truth my kids dont want to be with me . and it hurts but and without them why am i here .and when it comes to my gf it feels like i am taking care of a baby .i have to listen to the whining. and now i got talk into doing something that i dont really want to do . painting her sister house that house is so fuck up i told her i didnt want to do it but she ask so nicely and beg me to do it . and i am so fucking tired if i say one thing wrong i get bitch out just for wanting to talk to her . about something so small. i feel like iam getting close in . where the fuck do i go. i have spent too much money. the bank is so low right now .
    so for right now sorry i just had to write it down and yes i feel like i want to drink right now but i am not going to. this is what i chose to do right now.
    and if i wanted to it would be real easy there is a 12 pack in the garage a 6 pack it the ice box . and 4 bottles of rine wine in the house.
    so what i am going to do now is pray i know things will get better one day. it might not be today but it will be tomorrow.
    :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
    best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..
    Tags: None
    #2
    the real me am scare

    I am sorry that you are feeling this way and sounds like you are feeling boxed in and like there is nowhere to go. You did the right thing in coming here and writing it down and getting it out. Yea your right if you wanted to drink you would, you would have along time ago if you really, really wanted to, but the truth is deep down you don't want to drink, you just want to feel better if just for a few hours. I'm sorry you got talked into painting the house, nothing worse than doing something that you don't want to do, but look your doing something for somebody else and you know what they say in AA when you do something for someone else that helps keep you sober - or something like that. Hang in there hun, I don't know when or if it ever gets better, but at least in not drinking you're body is healthier even if emotionally you may not be feeling all that hot right now. I don't know what else to say except that I am thinking about you and wishing all the best for you. You always have nothing but good things to say to people and everyone on here appreciates you so much and you have so, so much to share - I'm just glad that you were able to come here to let some of this out and know that you will get some of the help back that you always give out

    much hugs from me to you :huggy

    Pbear
    when you fail at something is when you learn and grow the most

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      #3
      the real me am scare

      its okay..

      T....i am struggling everyday too. its not easy seeing reality, the true way things really are. it takes time to fix the mess. not drinking is one problem resolved. the rest gets done eventually...take care and don't give up. :l

      Comment

        #4
        the real me am scare

        tlrgs,

        You're quite amazing. Yes, write it down. Write it down for yourself. Get it out. You ALWAYS have good things to say to other people.

        Take some kindness for yourself. You posted the Serenity Prayer. Read it again. And believe it. I think you're a good man.

        Comment

          #5
          the real me am scare

          Tlrgs,

          It's time to start taking it a little easier on your self. Sounds like AL has done a number on you and part of recovery is healing your mind and body. But there is another almost more important part and that is healing your life. Al not only hurts you but hurts those who love you too and they need to heal as well and this take time *and* effort.

          Sucking it up, staying busy and doing the rights things is all part of the recovery and it may seem like it takes a super human effort but it doesn't have to be that hard. Stop fighting it, stop beating yourself up and start taking care of yourself and things will get better, not all at once perhaps, but one step at a time one day at a time. Best wishes Bro.
          Is Addiction Really a Disease?
          Watch this and find out....
          http://youtu.be/ekDFv7TTZ4I

          Comment

            #6
            the real me am scare

            Tlrgs,

            I can relate to where you are at! Kudos to you for staying away form the alcohol, it is all over my house too. So I am one of those that will just have to GLARE at it and walk on by, LOL!

            Do not let anyone bully you into anything, if you don't want to do something say so, it doesn't matter how sweetly the favor was asked, grow a backbone and pronto! You're gonna need one for dealing with the beast.


            I'll be thinking of ya,


            Myheart
            Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice.
            - George Jackson

            Comment

              #7
              the real me am scare

              (((TL)))

              Okay babe listen.....u don't need anger management classes. What you need is assertive classes. If someone asks you to do something.....the answer is No. You'll have to get someone else. Period. If your gf gets too much too handle....is there a relative you can call to give you a break?

              Caregivers are under a tremendous amount of stress. They need some time to do there own thing....and I don't mean drink. I'm not a guy (obviously) but what things did you like to do before you became your gf's caregiver, that didn't involve alcohol? Think of some and then make arrangements to DO THEM.

              You are gonna say f*ck it if you don't have a break soon. And I would hate to see that happen. So re-read above then go to it boy! I expect a full report.... :l

              Comment

                #8
                the real me am scare

                tlrgs,

                Number ONE. We are what we do NOT what we did. I used to weigh close to 300 lbs and today I weigh 150 lbs. It took me forever to realize I was not that 300 lb woman anymore. For all my life I have been a drinker but today I choose NOT to drink. I am NOT a drinker.

                Number TWO. Never, ever, let someone (even a gf, wife, etc) force you to do things you absolutely do not want to do. I have been married 32 years and we both learned early on how to say NICELY, no. Otherwise resentment builds up and that is not a good thing.

                Hart is correct, you need assertiveness (not aggressiveness big diff) training. I believe anger issues will suddenly melt away like snow in the spring.

                I do feel so badly your children do not want to be with you. That would break my heart, too. Just keep being there for them and one day they will see the you that you are now and not the you that you used to be.

                I am very glad you wrote your post. It is hard to articulate well the things that are very deeply bothering us and you did it very well.

                Love,
                Cindi
                AF April 9, 2016

                Comment

                  #9
                  the real me am scare

                  I love you tlrgs. You are so real, so human, so honest. You know, putting 'the plug in the jug' is just the beginning. By staying AF and talking to all of us through these ups and downs, the blessings are happening. And they will continue. But it's all a process, not black and white, not a straight line. Sometimes the ups and downs are almost too much. ALMOST. But we carry each other through. That's how we do it. Taking turns as needed. Your GF does not really understand the changes you are going through. Nor does your family. But in time, they will see the results, including your increased self-esteem and self love. That will make them appreciate your generosity all the more. Right now, maybe everyobody just thinks you "owe them", eh? Who wants to do something nice for someone who's looking at it that way? I've been in those shoes with my family, believe me!

                  much love to you tlrgs :l. Please keep sharing. It helps all of us!

                  WW xox

                  Comment

                    #10
                    the real me am scare

                    (((((tlrgs)))))
                    Noelle sez "Do want you like, like what you do. Life is Good."

                    Comment

                      #11
                      the real me am scare

                      Hi T...

                      Sorry things are going badly for you. You sound determined not to drink and that's good, but should you really keep alcohol in the house? I guess the girlfriend may drink and it's not fair that she can't have it, but the temptation must be overwhelming at times.

                      Anyway, always feel free to vent. It makes us feel better.

                      I know what you mean about the "walking dead" feeling, but long-term AFers say the feeling goes away, so you hang in there. You have to find another way to deal with stress in your life. We all have to. Alchi is no longer an option and God knows the "fun" is over *hugs*

                      Oh, seek out threads where long-term AFers talk about what to expect. I'm sure they'll be in here to, though.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        the real me am scare

                        tlrgs~

                        You are one of the most honest and open persons I have ever met. I am not sure if this is a direct result of your sobriety, but nevertheless, you need to see what we see. That is a kind, caring, strong, loving, insightful man. I know you feel like you have been kind of roped into this caregiving situation, but I am sure there is a lesson in there for you. But, this is very hard on you, I can tell... Is there a way to have someone else take some of the burden, though? It seems very fair that you ask for some help with this... On the kid front, boy that is a toughie, isn't it. Wouldn't it be nice if they just acted like we wanted them to? Just keep doing what you are doing, I know they will come around to you - I am sure of it.. just give them time...

                        You are doing the most important thing you can do, that is care for yourself, remain sober. I commend you!! You are truly a light in my day..

                        All my love,

                        MM
                        Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          the real me am scare

                          hello!

                          Hi...Mr. T...how are you today? It is me.. the mean person? can't burn today, but i'm thinkin about ya. maybe later when hubby passes out i can go to chat, okay? hope you are feeling cheery in that warm Florida sun alm:

                          Comment

                            #14
                            the real me am scare

                            thank you all for all your input. and yes i have a backbone but alot of people will not like to see it .and when it really come down to it i am a asshole from hell . i dont take any shit from anyone . i give it alot of the times.i am a 5'9' 144 bulldog.i do anything i put my mind to.i am not that book smart but .more of a hands on guy. i come from a family of 14 brothers and sisters that i havent seen in 25 or more years we were all taken away from my parents in 1979 and i only know where 5 of them are .and i would love to to find them and i have try but no luck so far .so now i can say i have been to hell and back. i have made my life even threw all the shit i have seen. and i am the one that fuck it all up.because i didnt want what happen to me happen to my kids . and what they say what comes around goes around . so really when it comes down to it i have try to do everything for everyone but for myself and i am learning to live this way without al . there are alot of things that i am doing different now.and this is just the begining to the end of the old to the new
                            :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
                            best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

                            Comment

                              #15
                              the real me am scare

                              and this is just the begining to the end of the old to the new
                              Oh, I like that! You always say cool stuff tlrgs!
                              Noelle sez "Do want you like, like what you do. Life is Good."

                              Comment

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