GAWD.... this is hard!!!

[skootiemom]

I am convinced, that I will not be happy without Al.... WTF????

I hate this... I hate that I will feel like total crap tomorrow. When I give up AL, if feel great physically.... but I hate myself sober.... F*ck!!!

WTF.... Please don't tell me I have to re-invent myself.... I am so angry at the moment..... can you tell???? Argggghhhhh.....

[Palatia]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

What is it you don't like about yourself?

I suppose we have to learn to love ourselves again for who we are....

[tawnyfrog]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

What's up Scootie? Talk ...........

[xtexan]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

ScootieMom:

I can remember being profoundly unhappy, anxious, angry, and depressed in my first few months AF.

Thing is, whenever I would go AF for any period at all, the reasons I drank in the first place would come out with full force. Resentments, self-loathing, old traumas, everything all buried by the booze would come out and just THRASH me. So usually I would fail, and go back to the bottle for relief.

Not that I have it all worked out now, but I?m still a work in progress. Slowly, but surely, one by one, tackling all those issues and getting them worked out. For me it is a slow and painful process, but as each thing is resolved, life gets a bit better.

Are you depressed and irritable when sober? I found that constant supplementation, regular exercise, and deep meditation sessions were the only things that really helped me out of the hole. Leaving out one thing always led to my failure, and the cycle would start again. I had a lot of internal garbage that tortured me no end.

Whenever I felt that the desire to drink was gaining momentum, I went and searched for anything that would help. Anything and everything. The only things I had personally crossed off the list, were prescription tranquilizers, anti-depressants, and AA meetings. Those things I already knew would not help me at all, even though they have helped many others.

So you have to find out what works best for you. Just telling you I recognize the desperation in your words.

Please don?t give up. Yes, it is hard.

Be well.

Neil

[Mags]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

I remember when I first went AF I would look at myself in the mirror and practically scream in horror. Who the hell is that horrible person I see looking back at me? I don't even know her. I hadn't looked at myself sober for so long, I didn't even recognize myself. Now suddenly I saw myself and didn't even know who I was looking at. I didn't like this stranger I was seeing. She scared me.

All those problems I just drank away became real also for the first time. I thought they had gone away. They hadn't. I had just hidden them in the bottle. It was so terribly hard to see them for the first time again also.

This is why we slip and binge sometimes during recovery. Reality just hits very hard and can be too much sometimes when we are used to drinking. People who haven't been through it don't understand that.

This is not easy. Not by any measure. I understand exactly what you are going through.

You really do have find some outlet for dealing with things besides alcohol. For me, I found that getting outside and exercising did it. I bought a cheap bike and started riding it as often as possible. I often had to force myself to do it, but after a while I learned how much it meant to me and couldn't live without it. I took up skiing. I started gardening a lot. I eventually joined a gym. When I was drinking I never even went out of the house except if I had to. And I never exercised. I found that doing these activities were the only things that kept me sane. Without them I could have never lived without AL.

I guess you have to find a healthy activity to replace AL. One that makes you feel good about yourself and that helps relieve stress and anxiety.

It is so hard. But you can do this. Remember, we are all here for you all the time. I am still a work in progress also. We can all struggle together.

[livingfree]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

Great posts above me -

As I have had to find "who am I" after the drinking - I am realizing that I have an "old self" (the drinking self) : I have an old old self (the self before the drinking - the REASON I started drinking) and I have a NEW self (The me now that I don't really know yet.) It's not that you are re inventing - you are just figuring out how to live in a new brain.

I use the "solution" method when I am down for ???? reasons. You just fill in the blank with the first thing that comes to your mind. Don't dwell and don't spend more than about 10 seconds on each question:

I feel angry that ....
I feel sad that ....
I feel afraid that ...
I feel guilty that ...
I feel grateful that ...
I feel happy that ....
I feel secure that ....
I feel proud that ....

This helps "pop" you out of the gray doom and gloom. You may have to do this every hour on bad days - but you will find it really helps.

Just know that you are showing progress by having these feelings at all. You are out of the NUMB stage. Keep moving forward - you are supported here!

Liv

PS - stay on the "angry" question for a bit - but move past it or you will get "stuck" there. Please try this. Just keep repeating it if you have to.

[Thankful]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

Skootiemom, as you can tell, you are not alone. We are here for you.

Drink a lot of water today and tomorrow. Just flush out your body.

When you are ready, come back and tell us more. Let us help you work out your triggers.
We'll listen.

Take care of yourself.

Love, Me
:l

[Laurav]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

Skootie,
I have the same struggles.:l
Just take it a day at a time at this point.
Now I just need to follow my advice.:H

[skootiemom]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

A cryfest!

Thank you all for your kind words.

I can't really type, thru the tears. It's been a hell of a week... no excuses, I know... but I am just in a real rut at the moment, and I have no right to be. I promise to write back when I can actually type. I have so many issues to work out... and I just don't know if I can. I am thankful that there are a few of you that are picking up what I am putting down. I am so mad, but at the same time... I am totally spent... I don't know if I have it in me to really change. I feel like I've been fighting a losing battle since finding this place over 2 years ago....

Liv...I will work on that list. It's a great jumping off point. I just read the questions and they made me cry, because I don't want to answer them....

I just love you all...

Skoots

[BecomingMeAtLast]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

Skoots,

I began reading your post and the threads...I'm so glad you reposted as I was worried about you. I have some anger issues that I sometimes think will never go away. I guess I'm just trying to chip away at them because I know I can't resolve them any time soon. I guess I've just realized that. Sometimes I wish I could let my anger out more, like you did in your post. I internalize my anger and that sucks. I admire you for venting.

I'm thinking of you. I wish I had some oh-so-great words of wisdom to share but I don't.
I'm just here for ya :flower:

[meditation mama]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

Skootie~

I really can't add much to what Neil, Liv and Mags wrote. Those were some of the wonderful replies I have seen. Reread them, I did.

Take care, sweetie. Never give up...

We are here for you.

Xoxoxox

MM

[Mags]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

Skootie

I know you are exhausted by all this. You are brave to take on this battle, but it does tire you out at times.

It's late at night here.

Here's hoping you get some rest tonight and can start tomorrow with a hopeful shiny face.

:l

[livingfree]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

Skoots - just got home and you were on my mind. I just want you to know I truly am praying for you. So many of us here KNOW your pain .... currently or in the past have BEEN there. Even though I have only been on this site since January - I have suffered ALONE for YEARS. I am SOOOOO Glad you are - If I would have logged on 2 years ago - It still would have taken me until NOW to stop drinking. We each have a "time" when it is going to click. Your time is IN YOUR TIME. Please don't give up - and remember - IT'S HEALTHY to feel anger. Anger is a worthy emotion used in a healthy manner. It can no more "make" you drink than "JOY" can when you pick up that celebration drink. Emotions are just - "sparks flying through our brains" - they change with the wind. Some days there isn't enough wind to blow them off fast enough - other days we wish the wind wouldn't blow them by so quickly. They are --- Just emotions.

I'm here for you
Liv

[meditation mama]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

livingfree;305831 wrote: Emotions are just - "sparks flying through our brains" - they change with the wind. Some days there isn't enough wind to blow them off fast enough - other days we wish the wind wouldn't blow them by so quickly. They are --- Just emotions.

[PRINT] - beautifully said, Liv...

[Accountable for Me]

GAWD.... this is hard!!!

Take my hand Scootie. Lets do this together. I am in a rut too, and I can totally empathize with the way you feel.

Mags, Neil and the others know how hard this is, and they are very honest about the emotional H*ll they went through, getting to where they are at. I believe their honesty about it NOT being easy will help us in the long run.

Let's not let AL dictate our lives anymore. Let's muster up some strength and start living life. We can do this together. :l