Drinking in a marriage.

[newbegining]

My husband and I both love to drink, and have been doing so with a passion for 10+ years.
I have an ongoing battle with myself, am very unhappy and recognise the need to change my life.
My husband goes through the motions of supporting me but I know in my heart he is not really getting the picture.
e.g. last year I went through Re-Hab and whilst I was there I asled him to clear out all the booze in the house before I came home (considerable Qty)
When I got home he had decided not to do this in case friends dropped round for a drink...
are these "friends" more important than my recovery??
I know in my heart that he loves me and want the best for me, but does not want my choices to effect his life and his drinking.
I would like some feedback on how others handle this..
Can marriages survive this?
hopeful - New (day 6)

[Guest]

Drinking in a marriage.

It sounds like he is not taking how you feel about your al consumption very seriously. I also share a love of the booze with my other half and every time I go to reduce or cut out he thinks its a joke .He thinks that we need it to unwind ,we work and function well , kids well looked after,ect..Whats the problem? I dont know what to tell you but you will probably have to work this one out alone. I know that I could successfully give up the booze and still maintain the great relationship I have with my significant other, its my call .....in the meantime I will stay moderating. He sounds like a good man that just doesnt understand how you really feel.

[hart]

Drinking in a marriage.

My hubby drinks as much or more than me. I am his "drinking buddy". There were times I told him don't buy beer for me and he did. It's very hard to fight. Luckily he started again w/me and I insisted he take Campral too. I don't have any good advice, just realize you are not alone. :l

[southernbelle47]

Drinking in a marriage.

Hi New
I'm sending you loads of hugs and encouragement.
As I type, I can look out my window and see my hubby sitting in the swing drinking beer.
He does this almost everyday . We've been married a long time 43 years almost, so at this point there is not going to be a divorce.
I've really struggled the last few years with moderating my wine. We live on a farm and grow grapes and blackberries and make wine.
Not my choice of a fun hobby... btw .

Can you ask your hubby to go with you for some counseling?
If he won't go...then go by yourself. Get the support YOU need to do this.
The only way I'm staying here is by knowing who I am (in Christ)
He meets my every need and I tell him everything.
He is my "Father, Husband, healer, Comfort... He holds me when I cry.
Just know that you are not alone. There are lots of "beer" widows here.
Love
:hNancy

[moonlight]

Drinking in a marriage.

I was just going to ask the same question!!!

Guess you and I are not alone. This is the most difficult part of quiting, when our partner does not want to. I no longer live with my husband. I had to seperate because the life style was nightly drinking to where we never left the house as it was to much trouble. My world starting shrinking and I felt I was in a dangerous rut.

We are still married, but basically date! Very unusual. I do many things with my girl friends and when I see my husband ( either at his place or mine) we sit and drink!!!! Now that is still a habit, and I know in my heart that if I was with someone who didn't have the habit, it would help me as we would do non-alcohol things.

My solution was drastic, and I get lonely at times at home and then drink because I am lonely. BAD BAD cycle.

The drinking in a realtionship is truly a challenge. I tried AA once and was told I would have to avoid being around drinkers so I would not slip into it. It is a dilema! As the others wrote, each of us need to come up with our own solution. Maybe if you tell him how worried you are and how desperate you are to quit or cut back, he might listen. Maybe try to schedule some nights without drinking like going to a movie? BTW, that did not work for me. Even the few times we do go out, we take a bus, so that he and I can drink. If I do not drink and he does, I find him irritating! During the day, he is great and we get along well as traveling companions. I am still not sure what to do and am just going along day by day.

I hope you can work it out. Let us know and stay in touch.

[southernbelle47]

Drinking in a marriage.

"If I do not drink and he does, I find him irritating! "
Moon.....Amen

[livingfree]

Drinking in a marriage.

Boy this IS the age old question. My hubbie also drinks - It's not a problem for him as it was for me so I cant ask him to quit. I also was his drinking buddy - so this has put a new twist on our relationship. He also didn't think I had a "drinking problem" - until It came out that I was drinking in the mornings. Then he gulped.

I think he's becoming more "sensitive" to leaving his expensive beer bottles around (did you get my gripe there) but only as much as a man can "get it" :H I do think his drinking has cut down - because I don't share the habit anymore. But boy - you really have to do this yourself - as I don't think they have the genetics to be our "sponsor" (No AA - just using that as an example!)

So - can a marriage survive? Yes - IF they aren't causing you to start drinking more or drinking at all if you shouldn't be. You have to become SOLID in your habits and they just get used to it I believe.

Best to you
Liv

[LVT25]

Drinking in a marriage.

Wow, Liv, you never cease to amaze me--maybe we were sisters in a past life--except I never drank in the morning (unless I was on vacation):H

New and Moon: I, too used to be one of my hubby's best drinking buddies. I still remember when I was pregnant (twice) how HARD it was on our marriage and my mood to watch him and everyone around me drink and party when I couldn't. I couldn't wait to drink and light up as soon as I was done nursing (or sooner as long as I pumped) (sorry guys).
Now, however, it feels different. I'm not sure if it's because it's my choice, or the program, or all the support here, or probably a combination of all the tools I'm using. He knows that I've quit drinking in order to stop smoking, and he supports that, doesn't drink around me, works late out in the shop with his beer. But, even though he irritates me at times (Moon), I try to make it a point to sit at the table with my iced tea and have a conversation with him. So, yes, it can be done, but I think we have to try harder to perhaps change the relationship. Does this make sense???

Thanks for posting the question, it's interesting to hear from others in the same situation.
:thanks:

[LVT25]

Drinking in a marriage.

P.S. I've also noticed if I take the GABA in the evening, especially if I'm feeling a little cranky, I start to feel more love in my heart---this sounds stupid, but I don't know how else to describe it.

[newbegining]

Drinking in a marriage.

So - it's not just me

Thanks for all your words of support.
It is interesting how many of us have the same problem.
I have talked and cried with my husband about how much i need to stop drinking.
He has seen me in some desperate states and really knows that I have to take action.
Yet, he does not want me doing this to change his life style.
Last year when I managed to stay of the wine for 28 weeks - I got so bored with sitting about watching everyone else drink. So tired of listening to all the rubbish they talk after the 3rd bottle of wine.
I was allways ready to go home long before everyone else.
It seems that in order to beat this thing I have to change so many things,
my lifestyle and my friends as well as my drinking.
Thanks for all your support.
New

[LVT25]

Drinking in a marriage.

Dear New,

I totally agree, it is no fun for me being around people drinking when I'm not. That's probably why I've been drinking so long. All of my friends and most of my family drinks. But, most of them don't drink as much as I do (did). I have yet to go to a function and not drink to excess since I started this program (6 weeks). As we've aged, some of my friends have grandkids, and everyone is so busy, we don't get together and party as much. So it makes it alot easier for me to go several days without drinking, and then if something comes up I'll have to decide if I can moderate or not--do I want to feel like crap, do I want to risk smoking again? BTW--I quit smoking, and honestly, I only used to drink when I smoked, and now, it doesn't sound as good. Stupid, huh? Anyway, I know what you mean, but maybe try a few days just being selfish and go AF and see how you feel then. It won't hurt to try that.

[moonlight]

Drinking in a marriage.

Wow,

you stayed off wine for 28 weeks! That is fantastic!!! My record is only 6 weeks.... not very good.

I spoke to a friend yesterday about my boredom when he drinks and I do not want to just sit and drink.
The friend offered a great idea.... I should not drink and let him drink provided we go out and I drive.
It could be to a beach for a sunset walk, or to a Movie or even to a dance place or out to eat. He can drink and at least I get out. I will try that next... Maybe it will work for you, cause if you drive, you will be busy and will be away from the house where the alcohol is in the cubbards?