Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge hater of yours.
As my ex-friend, you always seemed to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you were even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates and eggnog as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1.Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.
Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.
It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop.This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & I really don't give a shit if we leave on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just didn't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order for me to not completely chop your head off, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. But really, I won't read your answer because I am sick and tired of your nonsense and bullshit.
Thank you,
Your biggest enemy
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge hater of yours.
As my ex-friend, you always seemed to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you were even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates and eggnog as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1.Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.
Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.
It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop.This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot.
I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & I really don't give a shit if we leave on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just didn't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order for me to not completely chop your head off, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. But really, I won't read your answer because I am sick and tired of your nonsense and bullshit.
Thank you,
Your biggest enemy
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