Denial

[livingfree]

One thing I've learned being on the MWO web site - we are NOT a group in "denial"!

Contrary to popular notion that people with active drinking problems are "in denial" about them - I am finding this is just not true! I think we all go through a period of time when we know we have a problem but either choose not to do anything about it - or can't seem to do anything about it.

My own history seems to be proving this.

I think I knew I was in trouble with alcohol from the age of around 25 to age 32 and did nothing about it - didn't really want to - just didn't care enough or whatever. This was a period of trying to convince myself that I could drink moderately, only to find I was putting off the inevitable need to swear off alcohol completely. Then from the 33 to about 38 I admitted only to myself that I probably was alcoholic and started wanting to quit - so I played with trying to cut down. By the time I was around 40 I knew I was in trouble - but couldn't really convince those closest to me!! I couldn't manage one day with out drinking - but it was in the evenings and I NEVER got drunk. (High tolerance). I spent the next 5 years in FEAR - not denial. It was in the past 5 years that I moved to the next level of drinking.... which lead to the past couple of years .... secret drinking ..... morning drinking on many days. .... So when I actually quit 31/2 months ago - I was READY.

I'm reading a GREAT book (Sober for Good) which points out that Is it possible that even if you are able to admit to yourself that you've got a serious drinking problem, as most everyone have - even if they are not sober ... does not necessarily mean you are ready to do something about it. You may well be at a point where, despite your recognition of bad consequences, the pleasure you derive from your beer, wind or liquor overshadows the down side of your drinking. HOWEVER, becoming aware of the link between your alcohol intake and problems in your life just might mean that your beginning to be ready.

I am putting this out here for discussion - because there a number people out here that WANT to quit - but I know feel hopeless to STOP. I know I felt that way for so long and WHY NOW am I able to successfully have 3 1/2 months FREE of AL ? Somehow I thought I was READY before - but something clicked this time. Now after all of this I am going to tell you what it was - at the risk of making some mad. January 1st, 2008 was the first time I stopped obsessing on the disease theory because even though it might be true - It wasn't helping me stop the insanity. I took the "alcoholic label" off - decided to stop being a "victim" and "shirking responsibility" that I had the control to stop this. This is THE ONLY thing I did differently .... I do believe with that said - all of my years of wanting to stop were the "beginning to be ready" stage.

Just out on a limb here - kicking up some dust for discussion ....

Liv

[Cinders]

Denial

Liv,

What a great thread!! I am with you. Many of us knew we were in the throes of addiction and "felt" powerless to stop it. We tried and tried many times to break it but kept failing. Which leads to horrible self-disgust and shame.

I also agree with the "click" some of us heard. It happened for me. A moment of clarity that the insanity must stop.

Second - the genetics disease theory thing that rages on. It is irrelevant. I heard in rehab that it was a disease but we are responsible for dealing with our disease. Calling it a disease a condition a problem, whatever, the root cause doesn't really matter, does it?

Except in the case of solving the mystery of how to treat alcoholism, in which case the debate may be critical. I hope doctors and researchers continue to work on finding a "cure" for all the addictions that really works. In my heart, I believe that is coming down the pike.

But, we are responsible for handling it. Unlike other conditions, such as diabetes where the diabetic must take care of themselves or horrible consequences ensue, our consequences affect the world around us. Especially if we drink and drive, drink and are not able to take care of our children, drink and do not do our jobs when others rely on us, drink and ...fill in the blank.

We all suffer from something hard to deal with and yet we want to and know we must deal with it.

I don't like this problem at all but I am grateful that I have found a way to fight back and get my life back. It is not easy and kudos to everyone here who is going day-to-day battling it whether they are "suceeding" or not, everyone is trying.

Love,
Cindi
XXVIII

[dexterhead]

Denial

Hi Liv. amazing post. I haven't been in "denial" for a long time. Perhaps that's more common if you are surrounded by drinkers, which I'm not. I've wanted to quit or cut way back for a long, long time. And I also don't care about the labels. I think AA is wonderful for many, but I refuse to say I am "powerless" over this beast. I will not let it ruin my life, damn it!!!! I won't let that happen. I still haven't heard that "click," but I've had it. I have to save MYSELF. I have been caught in cycle of self-loathing for months and I'm sick to death of it.

[Miso]

Denial

Hi Liv,

Great thread!! I too, fall into the "click" theory. Something just "clicked". Not really sure exactly what it was, because I wasn't coming off a really bad (embarrassing etc) spell. I just knew I had to stop the madness. I had to stop the path I was on. I committed to the initial 30 days (recommended in RJ's book), planning on moderating. However, a light bulb went off. I kept feeling better and better and decided I didn't want to go back to where I was before. I am 69 days af today. Feels great.

I do wish though, that I could give others my "click". That they too, could have the weight lifted off of their shoulders that I have had, but I know I can't. Everyone has to come to their own terms about their own alcohol use. Nobody can do that for another.

I am so appreciative of this site and the strength and insight it gives me on a daily basis.

Thanks,

Miso :heart:

[boozehag]

Denial

Yeah me too had the "click" just reached a point when I couldnt look at myself in the mirror because of the disgust I felt. I just woke up one day with a bad hangover (probably third one in a week) and knew that it had to stop or my kids would be attending my funeral in the not too distant future. Then my daughter would have to go through life without me and she would live with the knowledge that I had deliberately deprived her of a mother. Prior to that I must have been getting ready for years but just couldnt get there. Now 2 weeks on the path and I know in my heart and soul I will never go back. Failure is not an option.
Best of luck all its such a tough fight.
BH

[livingfree]

Denial

Great thoughts everyone

Secondchance - I totally hear you. I could have written that 4 months ago. I hope you find faith in the fact that it is going to CLICK for you. I like MISO would like to hand off my "click" because I know first hand how BADLY I wanted that Click myself for so long. I also miso wasn't coming off the "this one did me in" event. My events were steady ... keeping AL in my system flowing at all times. Dex - I know also how deeply you are ready for this CLICK. I honestly think you are getting ready to hear the click. I can sense it in your latest posts. When you feel it - I know you will be AF that very day. Look at Cindi - wow - this is where the Click was heard all around the world!! I am so happy for you Cindi - I know how your ear was YEARNING for that click. You are an inspiration. I would even challenge all those who are waiting for the click to go back and read your posts for the past 4 months. It is a journey worth reading about. You more than made it happen ... walking in detox ward - and walking out with the antabuse drug -- more courage than I've ever had. I am impressed beyond words. Boozehag "Failure is not an option" - I am going to have to borrow that over on the April Showers thread! I love that. That is how I am feeling too. Failure is not an option for me at this point either.

Thanks all for your thoughts --- I just think it's worth hearing everyone's own experience.

Liv

[Guest]

Denial

Great thread. I guess I just had enough - enough of fighting for years. I was lucky, no children to affect and my body/looks had kept well mainly because I ate so much fresh food, kept fit in between binges. The day I booked a place at the rehab to change my life I was starting to really suffer though - red lines under my eyes and across my face, skin always red and patchy. It was getting scary especially as looking good is part of my job.

Powerless? Maybe not.

Another approach is to say we are powerful over alcohol - we don't need to take it and tell it to get out of our lives.

[Thankful]

Denial

Wow, this is very thought provoking. I knew for years that I wanted to quit, but as I have also been surrounded by alcoholics, I always knew I wasn't as bad as the "others". Like it was ok to keep poisoning myself because at least I drank beer. I didn't have my beer and still need to bang down a pint of brandy like everyone else, so I was ok right? Wrong. Granted I wasn't as bad as they still are, but I was fooling myself for a lot of years.

So it wasn't a denial problem. It was fooling myself with the comparisons. I remember for years I kept admitting to being an alcoholic and my siblings would literally say, "would you stop calling yourself that. If you think you are an alcoholic than what are the rest of us?". You see, they too knew that they drank much more but instead of encouraging my want to quit, it was easier to tell me to drink and join in the fun. My quiting makes them feel worse. I thought for years I could never quit as long I was around so much alcohol. But now the more I see them plastered, the more commited I am to staying sober.

When I found MWO, I was actually following links regarding health and weightloss. I came across something like "moderation for alcohol" and it led me here. I was still nursing a hangover from the previous day. I joined and was advised to do the 30 days before I tried to mod. I thought, I'm never gonna make 30 days, but I'll give it a try. No book, no meds, no supps. Just this amazing support group. And like Miso, it felt so good to be sober that I just kept going. And this wasn't always easy because I was very sick most of the year. I wasn't feeling better until about the 2nd week of March. I had to keep convincing myself that I was not healthier when I drank even though it seemed so for so long. I only started supps about a month ago and it has made a difference.

I too felt a "click". I also struggled with when was I going to be able to mod. Everytime I considered it, I was just too scared to try. The day I came to the realization that I might as well just quit permanantly was spiritual for me. I felt the weight of the world just lift off my shoulders. It is so much easier to stay sober than to stress over moderation. For me anyway.

I'm not sure what links led me here because I was not looking for a way to quit then. But the serendipity of it all will be cherished forever.

Love, Me
:l

[livingfree]

Denial

UKBlond - I love that ....... We are powerful over alcohol. That is going in my "keepers" file. Thank you

Thankful - wow. To hear your story ........ I am so grateful. I also stumbled on MWO while I don't even know what I was looking for. It almost seems like a dream to me now. I personally think God lead me. I know I had been screaming at him long enough to help me. But amazing isn't it how we have all found each other. Thank you for sharing this important story. I know it will help others have hope that the click is going to happen for them too. That is my prayer for everyone here. And .... for God to protect our new found lives of clarity.
:h

Liv