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    #1

    How I am different

    I came here three weeks ago, beyond sad. I was nearing both desperation and resignation at the same time...I felt like I had to do something but what that was was impossible. I knew that when I was younger I had tremendous resolve and I could mentally, physically get through just about anything....but Al had beaten me, sacked my self esteem and rendered me defenseless, and I needed more of it to mask the pain of that defeat. This was a very very private battle with few outward signs of the struggle within...My wife only saw the losses and my children knew something was wrong but not what in detail, suspicions. I felt like I had changed too, was feeling older, tried of myself and the promises that I would make...tonight I am going to drive by the liquor store on the way home and not drink, I am going to lose 10, 15, 20lbs before a certain date or holiday..didn't happen. There is much much more to the battle I was fighting within than these few comments...I have been thinking about this constantly for nearly 10 years.

    I don't know what changed three weeks ago. I did not hit rock bottom, did not get a DUI, not a divorce and didn't lose my job. I just changed. I found this site, poured out my feelings in a blog, found some support and got through first one day and then the next....so much has changed in three weeks...nearly everything by simply not doing one simple thing. If you were not involved in this it would make no sense to you what I am saying...it sounds ridiculously simple, stop drinking....but it is not a trivial action.

    I want to share with you what has changed. I got a letter from my wife this morning that I am going to post here. Its is private and meant for me but you will want to read it if you are looking for inspiration or if you support someone else.

    g'night for now..tonight is day 21 , three weeks...only three weeks after 10 YEARS of escalated hidden drinking...but the changes that have occurred in three weeks are more than worth the battle. More tomorrow and this week.
    Tags: None
    #2
    How I am different

    Aloha Ace. and yes, life is good.
    umm i don't know if posting a private letter from you wife is a good idea.....
    we get the picture. don't compromise her trust and privacy.
    But besides that ...thanks for sharing. Yes Alcohol is a battle. Keep on fighting and winning.
    sigpic

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      #3
      How I am different

      Ace, it is great to hear that you are still doing so well and inspired. I agree with Hulagirl about sharing your wife's letter. It is great to know that she is behind you and supporting you. That is great for you.

      As always, you are an inspiration to me and I love reading your posts to feed off your positive energy. Your posts breed a mass of group support that benefits us all. Thank you!

      Have a great week, All!
      Shelby
      "PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY!" USMC

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        #4
        How I am different

        change

        ....I am sorry...with her permission...meant for me in that she didn't post it or write it for any other reason...it will make sense.

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          #5
          How I am different

          Hi Ace
          Great you are doing so well. I was thinking the same thing myself this morning as I have only 2 weeks under my belt - it sounds like nothing but just one step (in my case going to Doc and getting some meds) have given me the freedom and the impetus that I have wanted for probably at least 5 years. Doesnt sound like much time but I know even in that short time something has changed in my mind even and I totally believe I can be AL free (or moderate or whatever). I can clearly see a point in the not so distant future where AL will not control me and it will not bother me at all one way or another. The biggest bonus for me has been the total lack of guilt and anxiety. I used to be anxious all the time (because I was a such loser who couldnt control her life) and for the past week or so I have been happily humming to myself all day without an anxious thought anywhere on the horizon. This must be how normal people feel all the time. Its so f'in good.
          Not sure I want to read you wife's letter either though! Seems a bit like an invasion of privacy.
          Thanks for sharing.
          BH

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            #6
            How I am different

            That is wonderful to hear Ace!
            ~Laura

            Insanity            : doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results................... Albert Einstein

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              #7
              How I am different

              Ace - a wonderful, positive post. Thank you.

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                #8
                How I am different

                I think we all saw your inner power /strength/determination ... Call it what you will even if you were sceptical of your will to suceed. You have started your journey and you will continue it successfully. Thank you for sharing and inspiring others. Heavenly
                ?We are one another's angels?
                Sober since 29/04/2007

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                  #9
                  How I am different

                  A note from my wife on Sunday

                  here is the note that my wife left me Sunday morning:

                  Reflections on the last month:
                  April 13, 2008

                  I have the husband, the father, the partner, the ?soon to be lover? that I have always dreamed of.
                  I have the peaceful, loving home that I cherish and know in my heart to be the best for everyone.
                  I realize you have been in battle with your demons and some days must be hell for you.
                  Only you can truly fight this fight, but I will supply any ammo you might need, I?ll be your back up troop, standing behind you, next to you, cheering you on, listening, learning with you.
                  You are like a tree, whose deep roots are suddenly being exposed after a storm?I love this man!
                  You are also like a cherry tree, who is blossoming in spring?..everything beautiful, fresh, new.
                  I realize you may hate the struggle, but I see you becoming a better, a wonderful person, because of it.
                  Pain often works that way?morphing us into more loving, compassionate and grateful beings.
                  Because you are learning to be patient with yourself/and your process, I believe you have become more patient with us, with your work team, with your world.
                  There have been NO conflicts with you and the kids in the last month.
                  My heart has ached and ached for this.
                  They are opening up to you, feeling the difference, the non-judgment, the safety in our home.
                  There is so much love coming from you?and we ALL feel it.
                  I feel safe when you are not drinking. I don?t feel crazy, running around looking for glasses, smelling you, wondering wondering wondering.
                  Your behavior is becoming predictable (not in a boring way) but in a responsible father, husband way. When you say you are going to do something, you are actually following through and I don?t have to sit and wonder ?when?.
                  I am not nagging about things.

                  Now, to go from the deep to the shallow:
                  You look amazing!!
                  You have no puffiness in your face
                  And your stomach?..ooh la la?.no more stickin out or bloating tummy.
                  You look 10 years younger boo
                  I am lovin this healthier, more attractive you!

                  For the first time, in a very long time, I am feeling hopeful
                  Hopeful about our future.
                  I want to think about our future, rather than be afraid of it.
                  I realize you are still in the beginning of this battle and it may take a long time to feel secure.
                  I don?t know if this will be a life long battle for you (for us) or if your brain has really changed?
                  I?m not sure, but I am hopeful.
                  And I am grateful
                  I want this ?person? that you are and that you are becoming.
                  I want to be with you.
                  I want to hold your hand
                  I want to love you.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    How I am different

                    :upset: Wow!!! Makes it all worthwhile, huh? I'm feeling kinda melancholy this morning:upset: What a wonderful thing for your wife to write and you both are so gracious for sharing it with us. Thank you so much!!! You have come a long way baby!
                    I gotta go blow my nose now.
                    _______________
                    NF since June 1, 2008
                    AF since September 28, 2008
                    DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                    _____________
                    :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                    5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                    _______________
                    The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

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                      #11
                      How I am different

                      Wow....Well,if that doesn't make you proud.I'll bet you are on cloud nine!You desrve it,ACE!You did it and your'e DOING IT!YEAH!!!:goodjob:
                      :lRebecca

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                        #12
                        How I am different

                        aceofbase, I hope all newbies to MWO read this thread.......what more motivation do they need? Well done to you!!

                        love and best wishes

                        Janicexxx
                        AF since 9 May 2012
                        Quit trying to control something that is uncontrollable (Bear February 08)

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                          #13
                          How I am different

                          Wow Wow - Me too - I am reaching for the tissues. What a beautiful letter. She makes ME want to be sober for her!! You have an amazing wife - and I know this should be the first thing you read everyday for the next year!! I have a feeling there will be more to follow.

                          You are blessed - now be a blessing ....... :h

                          Liv
                          AF since Jan. 1, 2008 .... It all began right here


                          Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you made it now.


                          (from the Movie "Once")

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                            #14
                            How I am different

                            Ace That is fantastic. What a nice wife you have to understand you so well. That would give anyone motivation to keep on the straight and narrow. Thanks for sharing it.
                            I hope my family thinks of me in a similar light soon! Well especially the attractive bit - NOT!
                            You sure have a lot to be thankful for.
                            Good luck.
                            BH

                            Comment

                              #15
                              How I am different

                              Beautiful.
                              ~Laura

                              Insanity                              : doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results................... Albert Einstein

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