A Funtioning Alcoholic

[jinja]

I know that many of you have been there, done that. I feel that I need to admit my lies, get it ?on paper? so to speak. It has taken years of practice to perfect, the mask in place and to anyone viewing, nothing amiss. Maybe there is macabre sense of pride in having done something so well, whilst the rest of my life falls through my fingers.

School starts early here ? 7:30 ? 40 minute drive ? can?t be late. Shower, hair, makeup, wardrobe???..daily perfection, not too perfect though????.can?t become plastic, people would notice that. Strong mouthwash!!! Can?t smell like a distillery!!..............if it?s a bad morning, eyes too bloodshot, shakes too noticeable, I just call across the school yard ?sorry, pushed for time this morning. I?ll catch you later? and run with girls to their classes. Pilates twice a week, running twice a week. Can?t let the body go to rack & ruin ? got to at least try to help it some way ? can?t put on too much weight! Sabotaging nutrition and health at every turn??????. I have to incorporate 1200 calories of booze daily into this, after all. Don?t think too much????Don?t wake that sleeping dragon in your mind ? you know you don?t want to hear what will be said. Functioning with minimal connection with the world????..physically very present for the girls, loud music, singing, ballet, swimming etc etc????..always do the right thing. Admit to friends small failings with my parenting abilities. We laugh. I learnt a long time ago to admit to small errors so no one will enquire further. ????..Just get through to 7pm, girls in bed????They don?t witness the decay. I am a good Mum after all!!!

So, my sleeping dragon is stirring. I still don?t really want to hear it, but I know I must.

It would so much easier to go back to the ?comfortable? pattern that I know so well.

I won?t do that though. Too many years lost, too many moments missed. I might trip along the way, but hell, this is still better than how it used to be ????isn?t it?

Take care
Xxx

[Guest]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

I am afraid people do notice, in their different ways. Some notice absences or lateness, others just wonder why your skin looks flaky/puffy/red etc. Others notice stress, anxiety, mistakes in work.

I thought no-one noticed. Even at the gym my growing lack of attendance was noticed. I thought I still looked ok - I have always appeared younger than my actual age and put make-up on most days, washed my hair frequently etc.

So why is everyone telling me now 6 weeks AF that I look so fresh, younger and brighter? I no longer need to use the green colour corrective make-up to counter the redness I thought was natural for my skin. My abs are tightening, strength is increasing and definition improving.

Functioning-we functioned but we didn't live and we didn't hide it, just thought we did on our little treadmill going nowhere. Now we are free and don't have to do this any longer.

It's fantastic.

[Dolly Sunshine]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

It is wonderful. I totally thought no one knew. I thought I had it all together. Even the mornings it took 20 minutes to put my eyeliner on. Now it's amazing to me to be able to get in the car and go whenever I want. All the little things that "normal" people take for granted are astounding to me.

[Cinders]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

Jinja,

Very good thread.

Yes, Just getting by so we can do it over again.

I jumped off that useless treadmill and am now walking through my days with joy.

Love,
Cindi
XXXV

[11B3P]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

secondchance;312997 wrote: That about sums it up. How stupid of us to consider ourselves "functioning", when all we are doing is getting by. I have no idea why we choose to continue drinking, when we taste how good being sober feels? Ah, the million dollar question.

I really do think there are people who can have "one or two" occasionally or be a "social drinker" and not obsess over alcohol. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people. I tell myself, "maybe I'll just have one or two" and the next thing I know, I?m passed out on the bathroom floor because I can no longer move under my own power. And I obsess over alcohol. That's why I have always known, I am one of those people who simply cannot drink.

Best of luck to you, you are stronger than you know.

[maasai]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

up to date i still have the sickness of wanting to do things perfectly my co-dependence tells me to do what others want and not care how i feel, i dont i find myself wanting to pay back all the damages i have costed people near me, and by this i tend to let them mis use me at some point.
am sober yes but what makes me hide from my past friends and not want to be with them even though they wont ask me to drink is what i dont understand, i lock myself up at my uncle home even from some of the family members i fear what they will say, am struggling and even though am looking for progress not perfection, triying to live free is still hard for me. thanks jinja for this

[Cinders]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

Maasai,

The reason AA asks us to make retribution for our past wrongs against others is very simple, if we cannot let go of the guilt for the things we have done, we can never find healing.

Remember, Maasai, all of us have done wrongs against people, whether we were drinkers or not. It is human.

First, look inwardly and know you are a good person, second, look outwardly and know you are doing the best you can, third, let the guilt go.

Remember, guilt is used by our addiction to keep us in the spiral of the addiction.

Let it go, it can no longer rule you.

Embrace all that life has to offer you, including your friends, and know you are a child of God.

Love,
Cindi
XXXVI

[Guest]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

The sad thing is that people notice, everything. They notice the skin, the change is clothing, if it's hard for you to wake in the morning, why you make so many trips somewhere.... everything. And they are not afraid to tell you either. I'm much much better than I was a year ago, and with the help I've had I'm getting better everyday. It is to easy to slip back to the old days; I never want to go there again.

Good luck to you, and all of you.

[voices]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

Hang in there - we are fooling our functioning selves

Believe me, they notice. I had 6 mos AF and now am back trying to make it through day 1 again. I got so many complements from how calm I am to how my skin looked great, my Dr. said my bloodwork and bp never looked better. No more bloodshot eyes. Since my back accident and the pain pills, the addictive demons have come back. I am still looking for my hypno CD's but have the topa and the book. I just pray that I can get back to where I was. It was awesome being able to get up early with the girls, my highschooler gets up at 4:45 to get to school on time. And able to drive at all hours without the thought of a DUI. Now I am a mess again but working on getting things together. You can do it and so can I!

-V

[Nicole2003]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

Definately do think people notice - the smell of last nights booze, the looking tired, the poor concentration. I know what you mean by functioning, the getting by but it is no life. I've had a few months now of AF - with the odd slip of a few glasses. Certainly I get cravings now and then but I don't look back on that twilight existence of hangovers, drunkeness and sheer exhaustion with any fondness. It is worth looking for a way forward.

[stillcrawling]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

Sadly -- i end up waering the same clothes even thoiugh I have a closet full... I am just getting by... I just did 5 days AF but the weekend came... going to try again tomorrow...
I typically can drink one bottle of wine a day... looking to learn from all of you... Liz

[Nicole2003]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

Stillcrawling - that sounds ever such a familiar pattern! Well done for getting through the week AF, but it does make those first couple of weekends very difficult. I guess everyone's different but for me it literally was just a couple of very tough weekends before it got a lot easier - before I realised that I wasn't missing out on much spending the wkend in an alcoholic daze! It did take me a long time of managing a few AF days during the week before I was ready to tackle the weekends, you can only go at your own pace. In the mean time have you tried reading RJs book?

[Breez]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

Oh yeah-before I even told people at work I was pregnant people noticed I started to look better. Duh-I wasn't drinking! How did I know-when I told people I was pregnant someone commented that I never looked better and they were trying to figure out what was different about me. People talk. So the new look they were trying to figure out, it wasn't the pregnancy glow, it was waking up without hangovers!

[KAT20]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

secondchance;312997 wrote: That about sums it up. How stupid of us to consider ourselves "functioning", when all we are doing is getting by. I have no idea why we choose to continue drinking, when we taste how good being sober feels? Ah, the million dollar question. t.

Jinja, Thanks for starting this thread. Secondchance, I just started a journal today and I'm going to write what you said. Thanks:thumbs:

[CS04]

A Funtioning Alcoholic

Very good thoughts

I do not feel like I'm functioning at all. I can't manage my household and I can't manage my job, and I feel so guilty...but at work I have to try to look busy to try (!) to keep up the image. However, I want to do more than JUST function...I want to feel good, MORE than just function.

I posted on another thread that I got a script for Topa (haven't filled it though -- eek; also concerned about cost -- I know, cheaper than drinking) and bought the supps. I have to jump in soon. Need to order CDs; wondering if theyre worth it, but I think it might be best and easiest to just follow RJ's program.

What I feel is not functioning. My family deserves more.