I went to an NA meeting tonight because a friend recommended it as being another, less rigid option to AA. No offense to anyone who finds AA helpful. Anyway, why are these meetings so depressing? I left feeling like I would rather end my life than live for the next however many years attending meetings. Maybe it's because I don't get it. I'm in the early stage of recovery and possibly my mind isn't open to the experience. My brother says "be coachable". That I am not. I'm trying to be. But going out for coffee with a group of people suffering from my same problem seems sad. I want to simply forget this problem exists. But I can't of course. The reality being that my marriage and job are on the edge. Coming to terms with reality and learning to live with the fact that my life will always involve a need to dodge temptation is necessary. Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I resent having this problem. I'm like a 2 yr old. I can't have what I want so I complain. If I would just be grateful that I still have the chance to have a life, I'd be on the right track. Drinking lets me forget for a very brief time that I am accountable and only I can fix this. I wish I felt power in that fact. I think i will someday. I was reading a book on meditation today and the advice that struck me was "just take a seat". Don't avoid the issue. Sit with it. Learn from it. After a lifetime spent avoiding the "seat", I need to sit there. Take the chair that is in the room and don't move. It will always be there so take it now instead of waiting.
I learned a really helpful saying today:
May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
Once you feel comfortable with that in your head every day, you can replace "I" with someone you love, then with a group, like "the world" and graduate to include even those you don't like all that much.
I learned a really helpful saying today:
May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
Once you feel comfortable with that in your head every day, you can replace "I" with someone you love, then with a group, like "the world" and graduate to include even those you don't like all that much.
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