Tough Love...take it or leave it.

[Thankful]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

I have had some nasty PMs sent to me, but I haven't experienced the "behind the sceen" gossip either. Nor do I care to.

Love, Me
:l

[Guest]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Ripple;318060 wrote: correction: my mention of not fitting in behind screen communitys was about: behind the BOARD-not the screen itself and contents of posts and topics..underground communications, like Orange told me Violet was a bitch to Red, that kinda stuff. Did you know Blackie said Brownie called so and so a liar. NO way? Pinkie was drunk tonite on chat! Purple, watch of her..all this colorful stuff is wot i meant..thank you..Ripple.

I don't go for that bullshit. I don't even want to listen to it, cyber or face-to-face.

[bestlifeldms]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Great thread, Thankful! I report 21 days AF without urge or thoughts. I am free, and as I have mentioned before - absolutely joyous about how I feel! I was one of those people who was sick and tired of being sick and tired, but continued the same vicious cycle. It was time to $h!t or get off the pot, as they say. It was time for this to "BE OVER!" And, now it is! Awsome! Freedom! Fantabuloso!

Love - Best

[out]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Harm reduction...

first off bestlifeldms, awesome thanks for sharing.

I try to embrace the philosophy of harm reduction in my view of myself...harm reduction says, "any positive change". ANY positive change. Someone here expressed some upset over people posting while drinking. I understand why that could be upseting and I have been quilty of it many times. Truth be told though, when I drink and post, I drink less and that is better than drinking more...any positive change. Lonliness is a big trigger for me. I usually, but not always, state plainly that I am drinking while posting so that one can choose to read or not. I will be more aware of doing that in the future.

I did drink last night and had a physically and emotionally rough morning, of course. And I have to admit, when I first started reading this thread I was angered. I think that unless someone is downright UGLY I don't think I should judge that persons sincerity or commitment in the moment. An addiction means doing the same stupid crap over and over again, so if someone needs to post the same pity party 300 times before they start to get better, than so be it. At least they are not ignoring that they have an issue, even if they aren't prepared to give it up altogther. No one has to read or reply to anything they don't want to.

I am not angered anymore, I am gratetful. After some time and digestion and some soul searching after reading this and other threads I asked myself, "If you are never able to stop bingeing, if it goes on for the rest of your days, can you live with it, can you love yourself anyway". The answer was a resounding YES. That doesn't mean I don't want to change, it was just a big relief to not feel so flipping anxious about it. That despite my addictions and shortcomings I an deserving of acceptance and love and That means I am also in a place where I can also love others whether they are able to walk the talk or not.

Alcohol obviously works for me on some level or I wouldn't do it. For all the negatives it causes, it provides something for me unconciouly that i need. This doesn't mean that I don't want to stop the behavior, but stopping out of fear, or shame or remorse or someone saying shit or get off the pot, hasn't been very effective for me. What I can do is keep trying, take care of myself in all the ways that I am capable and that includes posting here. I am gonna give coming from a place of self love and compassion towards others a shot next, I don't think I've actually placed my focus there before, so thanks for the thread.

peace out

[myra]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

another opinion

Well, the things that I find helpful on these boards are when folks share their own experience and how they got through whatever it is I'm dealing with. I love when you tell me, yes..been there....here is how I got thru. But I've got to tell you, I also feel very welcome when folks welcome me with open arms, no matter what. So much value to that.

I have stayed away lately because I've been out of town, but also don't want drama. I also don't really feel like much of a key player on these boards, drinking or sober.

Bessie - I totally agree. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Myra

[Chief]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Myra....I'm glad to see you....I've been thinking about you...

I disagree with you. You are a key player here.....I have seen you give great advice, in posts, and on chat....

Stay with us....you get it...

Don

[nancy]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Thanks for the thread Thankful.

I don't think I have seen any posts encouraging people to drink or saying it is ok. I have seen a lot accepting people no matter how many times they fail. I agree with some of the others who said this is the nature of the addiction. Seems like people fail a lot but some ultimately succeed so whatever support they get on that journey is good. If you find it tiring to respond to the same posts over and over again, don't do it, don't read them. But these are still people in need.

I have heard that therapists who work with addicts can get burned out for the reason that it's sometimes so futile and frustrating to work with people who keep hurting themselves over and over again. But we have a choice here on these boards who we want to help or relate to.

I also think that there is a difference between tough love and nasty posts. I hope we don't see any more of the nasty ones considering how many vulnerable people come to this website.

On the side of tough love, I think we have more choice in this than we give ourselves credit for. We really can make positive changes!

[out]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

thanks nancy

you said what I was thinking a lot more clearly. i really appreiciate your compassion and kindness.

[dexterhead]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Nancy, you are SO wise. Thank you for every word of your post. You articulated exactly, and beautifully, my own thoughts on this. :l:h

[Accountable for Me]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

I agree with you nancy. I think everyone should be supported in their journey here.

My interpretation of this thread was merely about those who seek out attention constantly, yet don't seem serious about wanting to quit, or get help with controlling their drinking.

Hey, I know I am far from perfect. I have had a few slips in the last few months and these great people picked me up when I needed it.

There is a BIG difference in one 'wanting' to get help and change, and one 'needing attention or causing drama' just for the sake of it without seriously addressing the drinking issue.

We are all human after all. Not many can just 'quit' on the first try. I completely agree with this. Apart from that, there are many here that are looking for healthy ways to drink... so everyone's goals are different.

Who knows what I am saying anymore ;-). This thread should not deter people from asking for help and support, and I truly don't believe it was intended to.

Thanks again, Thankful. I love your posts BTW.

[Thankful]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Again, I really appreciate everyone's opinions. I truly mean that. And I am so gald that the discussion has remained civil even if it has ruffled feathers. I thank you all for that as well.

I would like to add that I understand that this thread is getting lengthy, but I would like to make sure that people are taking the time to read all the posts before they reply. If you read only the first couple, you are missing out on various points in the discussion.

I want to point out that I do welcome as many as I can with open arms. I try my absolute best to give any support I can. I am a firm believer in "pay it forward".

I also, in this thread have said this is not about people slipping. It's about the sincererity in wanting to be here for help for drinking and not other motives.

If you admittingly are not on the boards that often then perhaps you are not seeing the types of posts of which I am referring or just how often they are posted. In the meantime, other people in need are receiving very little help. All you have to do is view the "Just Starting Out" and "Tell Us Your Story" threads. A lot of new members last week that got about 3 replies and haven't been back since. That's sad.

Love, Me
:l

[Thankful]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

AFM - thank you for reiterating what the thread is about.

It means a lot to me that there are some drinkers out there who are not offended by this. Because this is not about who's drinking and slipping.


Love, Me
:l

[keeta]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

good thread, Thankful.
There are days I need a good hard swift kick in the butt for sure...no coddling...and there are days I am in huge self pity sad mood...gads I am a pooper mode...and want hugs...and "you don't suck, keeta" posts.
I have tried hard not to post during my needy times, cause I kinda need this to be my "kick in the ass" place. I can pity party all alone.

Not that either is wrong, I just know which will get "me" as an individual, sober..... that said I would never ever judge what it takes some one elses little light to go on...why would I want to??? Cripes...whatever gets each of us out of this hell of drinking, is what is needed...individually. We are all different people, with different needs...the only thing we have in common is our abuse of booze...beyond that we each need to seek...our own way out.

great thread,
K

[nancy]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Drama

Well, from time to time we do have drama here and those posts get more attention than some of the other ones. That has been true for a long time. I guess it's like the equivalent of a tabloid newspaper, the material is more riveting and the more substantive posts sometimes get ignored.

But some of these new people you are referring to, some have posted and gotten nasty responses accusing them of drama or not being serious enough about quitting and that has almost caused them to go away. Unlike Thankful, I don't think it's possible to tell who is really serious from a series of internet posts. So to accuse them of being disingenous seems unfair to me.

You know in recent months, I have noticed a lack of tolerance. Lack of tolerance for people who are failing and also conversely those who are succeeding too much! That kind of stuff is crazy and we lost some good senior, successful members over it. We need to live and let live again. Judging people we don't even know for being not serious enough or for being too good at sobriety is going to drive people away more than being ignored. Why are we watching each other's performance and judging? This kind of involvement is the reason I don't go to places like AA!

In a recent ASAP thread, someone posted very desperate and was accused of not being serious enough. In my view, the person who said he wasn't serious enough should instead have offered the secrets of her success, how she ultimately made it.

Ultimately, choice is definitely involved here-- choice to get sober and stop giving into destructive impulses. But some people are not aware of that until far down into the journey and are struggling with low self-esteem. The board can help, but this is really a personal decision everyone has to make for himself or herself.

[Thankful]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

But some of these new people you are referring to, some have posted and gotten nasty responses accusing them of drama or not being serious enough about quitting and that has almost caused them to go away.

These are not the posts I am referring to. What I mean by them not being back since, is that perhaps they felt people didn't really care because they sit there at the PC maybe gathering their nerve to post and when they do they get about 3 responses over say 2 hours. I've specificately mentioned last week, because I have posted to these people and saw the replies and lack there of.

We can't say we are a community of support and love and only show it the "popular" ones. I think the new members need it more than anyone. But this is just my opinion.

Thanks for the comments.

Love, Me
:l