Tough Love...take it or leave it.

[believer]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Hi Thankful...thanks for the thread..very interesting.

Something I've been thinking about for awhile (prompted by a course I've just started taking) might give a different perspective on why some people act immediately, and some people hang around but never seem to "just do it".

One of the things the course is based on is a program on change (apparently, it is one of the "ground breaking" courses on change). The main author is James Prochaska (the Book is called "Changing for Good"). He believes that there are six stages of change: Precontemplative (you don't even know it's an issue) Contemplative (starting to think aout it), Preparation, Action, Maintenance and Termination. He claims tat only 20% of people are in the Action phase at any given time (yet most "change" programs are aimed at that group (which essentially means that 80% are going to fail with these programs). Depending on which stage you are in, different "Change processes" will help you. For instance, in the contemplation phase, you need help with self evalution and "emotional arousal". Later on, during the Action phase, you will be helped with "rewards" and helping relationships.

I'm only a few chapters in, but it really rings home for me. When I first came to this site, I was definitely at the "contemplation" phase. Then I ordered all the "stuff" (CDs, supplements, etc., so that would be preparation. Now I'm in Action (first day AF for 10 years. Hmm...think I need a "reward"...time to go shopping

Anyway, for what it's worth, this might help explain why some methods work for some and not others...

[out]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Hey believer

Thanks for that. It is helpful to think about it that way. Sometimes I hop around on all the stages and then back again! Shopping..yes, you deserve a big present for having your first alcohol free day in ten years...wow.

[hulagirl]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

I don't know when it changed for me. I've only been here since December. It took me a little while to figure out the different areas and I tried to get involved in as many as I could. I posted in receipes, 30 days, just getting started, general discussion. It seems that in the past couple of months I haven't been able to spend much time here so I would just go to general discussion. Now I see...BIG MISTAKE. I should be going to just getting started to help. Really help. Because when you are new, just reaching out, scared, confused is when the posts or responses really have a lot of meaning to you. Many times I have felt like I am not THE expert and I don't know if I have advice to give but now I see that it doesn't matter. We are all in the same situations and anything I can share may help someone. I appreciate the topics in "general discussion" (mostly) but I have neglected "just starting out", where the true need is. I think a lot of us have.

[boozehag]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Just to add my tuppence worth on this thread. I have just been here a month. The reason I am here is because I was at rock bottom (for me) and had vowed no more AL whatever it took. I am not sure if I got any specific responses from anyone from my posting (except bessie xxx) but I kept posting anyway as certainly in the first 10 days or so it completely distracted me from the AL and posting about my own circumstances made me remember the despair I was in when I first got here and keep focused. I do notice though that a lot of people who started posting around the same time as I did have not come back for whatever reason and it may have been lack of response. Lately I have felt it a bit pointless posting as it is hard to know whether it is of any use to anyone. The oldies seem to have their own repartee going which is difficult to break into unless you are very persistent which a lot of newbies may not be. Anyway not a complaint as such just an observation from a newcomer and without this site and my own effort of course I would not be enjoying the best 30 days AF and NF in many years. Best luck to everyone on this tough struggles.
BH

[bootcampbarbie]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

congrats boozehag. you should come to the 30 day and beyond thread as that is where we practice sober living.. and you are more than welcome there.... congrats to you darling. i don't post much of anywhere and have what started three threads in a year? lol so honey congrats to you

[Cinders]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

nancy;318159 wrote: Well, from time to time we do have drama here and those posts get more attention than some of the other ones. That has been true for a long time. I guess it's like the equivalent of a tabloid newspaper, the material is more riveting and the more substantive posts sometimes get ignored.

But some of these new people you are referring to, some have posted and gotten nasty responses accusing them of drama or not being serious enough about quitting and that has almost caused them to go away. Unlike Thankful, I don't think it's possible to tell who is really serious from a series of internet posts. So to accuse them of being disingenous seems unfair to me.

You know in recent months, I have noticed a lack of tolerance. Lack of tolerance for people who are failing and also conversely those who are succeeding too much! That kind of stuff is crazy and we lost some good senior, successful members over it. We need to live and let live again. Judging people we don't even know for being not serious enough or for being too good at sobriety is going to drive people away more than being ignored. Why are we watching each other's performance and judging? This kind of involvement is the reason I don't go to places like AA!

In a recent ASAP thread, someone posted very desperate and was accused of not being serious enough. In my view, the person who said he wasn't serious enough should instead have offered the secrets of her success, how she ultimately made it.

Ultimately, choice is definitely involved here-- choice to get sober and stop giving into destructive impulses. But some people are not aware of that until far down into the journey and are struggling with low self-esteem. The board can help, but this is really a personal decision everyone has to make for himself or herself.

Nancy,

What you so eloquently stated is my exact feeling about MWO. I have absolutely no right to deem whether someone is garnering attention or seriously looking for help. I am in no place to sit and judge and I choose to tread very carefully.

I try to take Bessie's advice and simply not post if I feel uncertain.

It is unfortunate when someone is ignored here, though, and I think most of us try to insure we don't leave anyone out, especially newbies. Unfortuantely the 24/7ness of the site and the fact that the software automagically marks posts of a certain age as "read" can cause that to happen.

Cindi

[Thankful]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

I was hopeing this thread would die down, but it is obviously still a hot topic.

In no way do I feel that I am a judge of people. And the bottomline is that some do feel that they can tell from repeat patterns when someone really wants help and when it's an ulterior motive.

Quote by Chief

Those of us who have been around a while can usually tell if someone is genuine in their desire to change....or if they are just using MWO as a social site that gives them all the attention and drama they want whenever they've "slipped again"...

Unfortunately there are too many who can't see past the word "tough" to see the word "love". And maybe people have just seemed to have forgotten the very first line of the original post.


If anyone out there still reading this thread would really like to not see the new people fall threw the cracks, then all you have to do is click on the "Just Starting Out" and "Tell Us Your Story" threads. They won't always be on your first page. It's not difficult to do and I am sure many would appreciate you taking that extra step just to help. Thank you.


Love, Me
:l

[Chief]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

It's not about judging anyone.....it's merely recognizing where a person is on their path to sobriety. Some are very serious and intend to do whatever it takes, right out of the gate. Some are just really toying with the idea of sobriety, but they're not quite ready to make the committment. And some seem to be perfectly happy staying on the drinking cycle, but still come here to talk about why they can't stop. Everyone benefits from MWO, no matter what stage they are in...

It's everyone's option as to whether you respond to a post or not......I read a lot of posts, but I only respond to those that I feel I can contribute something to...

Don

[Seen the light!]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

I've quickly read the posts on here (Phew!) I don't know where to start. Personally I have not been here that long and when I get the chance I have a flick through a few threads - I have been tending to stick to the monthly moderation threads and now I find myself here!

I have never posted on any internet website ever before I came here and when I found this site I thought how great it was. I am a bit disheartened to read some of the comments. I am just learning how to control myself and although I have not properly succeeded yet I am finding my feet and wouldn't be at the stage I am now in attitude and drinking level without it!!

You've put me in a bad mood!!lol

[Dolly Sunshine]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

It's one thing to struggle and slip. If has happened to most of us. It's quite another to make threads all the time in Please Help ASAP just because you are home alone and bored. It is in a spot where people TRULY in turmoil should be able to go and post w/out being dropped to the bottom of the page due to threads that could be put several other places on the forum.

[IAD]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Let's take a break....from all this tension.
Tough love....Dominence and Submission !!!! Carry on ! LOL ! IAD.

[skootiemom]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

Wow! Phew... Some excellent points made by both camps and inbetweenies...

Glad we have a variety of approaches to give and recieve. Some days I come here for the "it's OK..." hugs... and other days, a good kick in the pants. I thank you all for both.

Bottom line, it's all good!!!

Cheers,

Skoots

[Thankful]

Tough Love...take it or leave it.

And with this wonderfully neutral comment, I would like to consider this thread closed.

If anyone still has any opinions or comments that you would like to share with me, you can PM me. I certainly don't mind if you disagree, I just hope that the tone is at least pleasant.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to express their opinions and comments.



----------THREAD CLOSED----------








Love, Me
:l