Hello all,
I haven't been here in a while and am on a rant i suppose. a while back there was a thread with a subject of "but i love drinking" and all the reasons...or some that that person said she loved drinking for...most of the thread later was responses, honest, kind responses, but non-the-less reminding her of all the reasons not to drink...horror stories and such. all designed and intended to be very helpful...but...i know for myself we can discuss horror stories and health risks ad nauseum. I for one still have a scar on my forehead from a drunken digger into a doorway at age 34 from a bender after a bad breakup...one could assume this might stop the madness...not. For me this does not make me more likely to quit, just more likely to be afraid...maybe even drink more. One of the best books I ever read on the nature of addiction/substance use was a book called ?Over the Influence? Did it get me sober?...no. Did it make me feel a whole lot better about my use, myself and my life? you bet.
i am learning still..always...that for me anyway i need to address what drinking does FOR me, rather than focus on the negatives, to truly get to a place where those needs can be met otherwise.
men can surely relate to this, but women in abusive relationships maybe more so. I have a sister who repeatedly went back to a man who beat her, almost killed her. alcohol is a love/hate relationship in which i love my partner and am afraid to leave her. many people have been there, whether substance related or not. I have been there with a partner, my family, my job and my drug.
I have had problems with anxiety, obsession and depression most of my life and while many are quick to point out that they can be attributed to drinking...and I am an avid researcher, I know the brain chemistry etc etc, that can point to this being a truism...i can also tell you that i didn't drink for 13 years and this was STILL a problem for me, probably more so when I wasn?t drinking. Despite therapy, despite pills, despite sobriety.
Until we get drugs that don?t kill our sexuality, our sense of self, or make us fat..this will be a problem, there are some, but they have been banned...because, well they make you feel good and that is too much for our puritanical society. One drug called Survector is worth researching...although difficult to obtain if you want to try it. A not so related drug from the same company, called stablon, seriously has reduced my hangovers.
I think that discussing/thinking about the benefits of drinking as opposed to the negatives may be the step I need to take right now..perhaps it is a rebellious nature...but until I address the glories of it I will never figure out how I can have these benefits otherwise.
It is strange for me to remember that before I posted here that I drank the same if not more than I do now and didn?t feel it was a problem. 6 years ago I did everything hard, worked out, partied, worked etc. ?All part of the business?, as they said in the movie Bound.
In my teens I binge drank and then stopped because I believed I was an alcoholic or was destined to become one. I was the girl who could drink all the guys under the table. I stopped for 13 years. I started again for so many reasons. A "divorce" in quotes because I am gay and we don't have the "right" to marry. It was a ten year relationship. The quotes are there for a reason, but that is a bigger social issue than I care to discuss right now. What I think is that ?Q? is for queer, for anyone who is other, disenfranchised, the geek who was beat up, the person who was tolerated rather than loved, the artist in a house of engineers, the only alcoholic in an irish family, even the jesus freak who can?t identify with the larger world. Whoever we are, we have all had the experience of being ?other? and maybe finding a place of safety. I can only speak from authority of mine. Tolerance has its place, but during our stay here and at the end of our days no one wants to be thought of as ?tolerated?. Whatever our beliefs are it is important to remember that in the long run we are all just trying to live...and that means to love and be loved in all its painful deliciousness. And in this forum we are all here for a reason right now aren?t we?
But, for me, going back into a world where bars were my only socially accepted meeting place and saftey..i quickly wanted to belong. Everything was really Ok for a while, until I developed a few chronic pain conditions and realized that alcohol brought quick relief and believe it or not had less side effects of the medications i was prescribed. A couple of hangovers a week was better than a daily affront to my cognition and I had the benefit of feeling good for a short while.
I think a large part of my inability to "handle it" now comes from the lack of athleticism. I was able to maintain much more before the pain...but anyway I am talking way too much...what alcohol has given me is this:
it stops obsessive thoughts, sometimes for several days after "a night"
it allows me to relax, emotionally and physically with a partner
it relieves loneliness
it relives boredom
it relives the ?F? word...fear
it provides companionship and camaraderie at bars etc
it allows me at least temporarily to be in touch with and address feelings I can't touch otherwise
no person is loving and kind ALL the time, (not even me, ha)...alcohol provides a constant
it gives me a social outlet
when I feel good, I feel bad...tonight?s issue, too hard to explain in a soundbite
it allows me to indulge my love of cooking and parties in a way where everyone is warmed and welcome and included
it is something to talk about...almost anything is worth a good story
there are many other reasons too personal to post on a forum, but I think I am trying now to get some of these needs/wants addressed in other ways.
I am at least at the point now where drinking is an important partner, but not the centerpiece of everything I do because I am mindful of its benefits and am looking for other ways to fulfill those needs at the same time, without the stress of giving it up altogether. Amen
I have been in cognitive behavioral therapy for a bit now and was careful to choose to work with someone who did not require abstinence as a requirement for therapy. Oh yes, I did 1 dose of topa and nearly fainted the next day in a coffee house. And having had fainted before in my life and having done lots of drugs as a teenager (although no more than my parents were prescribed), I decided to make it an utterly fascinating experience. I may try it again in a padded cell.
There are so many ?big? things in our programming that tell us who we can be and how there are limits to our lovability. I have many friends, some who are in the psychotherapy industry who accept me as I am...warts and vodka and merlot, oh my. I have to wonder sometimes why I can?t just accept myself. I have improved in infinite ways beyond my drinking habits. Some may call it ?denial? but I refuse at this point in my life to be labeled a ?thing? ie, ?i am an alcoholic or i am a binge drinker?. I am infinitely more than those things that ?I do?. I have love and have friendships and a career and intellectual interests. I have the back of my friends and family, I write, I make art, I travel, I love, I love, I love. I am moved and inspired by people who make art and poetry, I adore art and music and people who can play and banter in dry wit.
I wish that I drank less and could take advantage more of the world and my talents. I also wish I had big tits and a flat stomach and while I have done everything possible outside of surgery to make that happen it ain?t gonna be... sober or not.
I am too diverse, too multifaceted to be pigeonholed. I am a rich, luscious, delectable person who drinks too much, sometimes. I am also a former fat kid turned athlete who has again gotten chubby and I can choose to obsess about being ?fat? or think I am gonna be sexy to someone who digs it.
I am hopeful that in my pursuit of peace..not happiness...as happiness can be bought for under $10 a bottle...that maybe my need for the stuff will dissipate as I focus on a life beyond it as I can not for now give it up all together. In the meantime I will remember that i am still capable of love, compassion and commitment in so many other areas. Despite what the media and Tv shows may show about ?us drinkers? I am capable of connection, love and empathy and as I have seen here, so are you. We are able to be sensitive and not narcissistic, perhaps too much. Hoping we can all honestly talk about the benefits without judgment here. We are all more than our compulsions. And yes I am drinking now, while frustratingly looking for a free, legal download of Lakme?s Flower duet...any ideas? Love and prayers and peace to you all.
I haven't been here in a while and am on a rant i suppose. a while back there was a thread with a subject of "but i love drinking" and all the reasons...or some that that person said she loved drinking for...most of the thread later was responses, honest, kind responses, but non-the-less reminding her of all the reasons not to drink...horror stories and such. all designed and intended to be very helpful...but...i know for myself we can discuss horror stories and health risks ad nauseum. I for one still have a scar on my forehead from a drunken digger into a doorway at age 34 from a bender after a bad breakup...one could assume this might stop the madness...not. For me this does not make me more likely to quit, just more likely to be afraid...maybe even drink more. One of the best books I ever read on the nature of addiction/substance use was a book called ?Over the Influence? Did it get me sober?...no. Did it make me feel a whole lot better about my use, myself and my life? you bet.
i am learning still..always...that for me anyway i need to address what drinking does FOR me, rather than focus on the negatives, to truly get to a place where those needs can be met otherwise.
men can surely relate to this, but women in abusive relationships maybe more so. I have a sister who repeatedly went back to a man who beat her, almost killed her. alcohol is a love/hate relationship in which i love my partner and am afraid to leave her. many people have been there, whether substance related or not. I have been there with a partner, my family, my job and my drug.
I have had problems with anxiety, obsession and depression most of my life and while many are quick to point out that they can be attributed to drinking...and I am an avid researcher, I know the brain chemistry etc etc, that can point to this being a truism...i can also tell you that i didn't drink for 13 years and this was STILL a problem for me, probably more so when I wasn?t drinking. Despite therapy, despite pills, despite sobriety.
Until we get drugs that don?t kill our sexuality, our sense of self, or make us fat..this will be a problem, there are some, but they have been banned...because, well they make you feel good and that is too much for our puritanical society. One drug called Survector is worth researching...although difficult to obtain if you want to try it. A not so related drug from the same company, called stablon, seriously has reduced my hangovers.
I think that discussing/thinking about the benefits of drinking as opposed to the negatives may be the step I need to take right now..perhaps it is a rebellious nature...but until I address the glories of it I will never figure out how I can have these benefits otherwise.
It is strange for me to remember that before I posted here that I drank the same if not more than I do now and didn?t feel it was a problem. 6 years ago I did everything hard, worked out, partied, worked etc. ?All part of the business?, as they said in the movie Bound.
In my teens I binge drank and then stopped because I believed I was an alcoholic or was destined to become one. I was the girl who could drink all the guys under the table. I stopped for 13 years. I started again for so many reasons. A "divorce" in quotes because I am gay and we don't have the "right" to marry. It was a ten year relationship. The quotes are there for a reason, but that is a bigger social issue than I care to discuss right now. What I think is that ?Q? is for queer, for anyone who is other, disenfranchised, the geek who was beat up, the person who was tolerated rather than loved, the artist in a house of engineers, the only alcoholic in an irish family, even the jesus freak who can?t identify with the larger world. Whoever we are, we have all had the experience of being ?other? and maybe finding a place of safety. I can only speak from authority of mine. Tolerance has its place, but during our stay here and at the end of our days no one wants to be thought of as ?tolerated?. Whatever our beliefs are it is important to remember that in the long run we are all just trying to live...and that means to love and be loved in all its painful deliciousness. And in this forum we are all here for a reason right now aren?t we?
But, for me, going back into a world where bars were my only socially accepted meeting place and saftey..i quickly wanted to belong. Everything was really Ok for a while, until I developed a few chronic pain conditions and realized that alcohol brought quick relief and believe it or not had less side effects of the medications i was prescribed. A couple of hangovers a week was better than a daily affront to my cognition and I had the benefit of feeling good for a short while.
I think a large part of my inability to "handle it" now comes from the lack of athleticism. I was able to maintain much more before the pain...but anyway I am talking way too much...what alcohol has given me is this:
it stops obsessive thoughts, sometimes for several days after "a night"
it allows me to relax, emotionally and physically with a partner
it relieves loneliness
it relives boredom
it relives the ?F? word...fear
it provides companionship and camaraderie at bars etc
it allows me at least temporarily to be in touch with and address feelings I can't touch otherwise
no person is loving and kind ALL the time, (not even me, ha)...alcohol provides a constant
it gives me a social outlet
when I feel good, I feel bad...tonight?s issue, too hard to explain in a soundbite
it allows me to indulge my love of cooking and parties in a way where everyone is warmed and welcome and included
it is something to talk about...almost anything is worth a good story
there are many other reasons too personal to post on a forum, but I think I am trying now to get some of these needs/wants addressed in other ways.
I am at least at the point now where drinking is an important partner, but not the centerpiece of everything I do because I am mindful of its benefits and am looking for other ways to fulfill those needs at the same time, without the stress of giving it up altogether. Amen
I have been in cognitive behavioral therapy for a bit now and was careful to choose to work with someone who did not require abstinence as a requirement for therapy. Oh yes, I did 1 dose of topa and nearly fainted the next day in a coffee house. And having had fainted before in my life and having done lots of drugs as a teenager (although no more than my parents were prescribed), I decided to make it an utterly fascinating experience. I may try it again in a padded cell.
There are so many ?big? things in our programming that tell us who we can be and how there are limits to our lovability. I have many friends, some who are in the psychotherapy industry who accept me as I am...warts and vodka and merlot, oh my. I have to wonder sometimes why I can?t just accept myself. I have improved in infinite ways beyond my drinking habits. Some may call it ?denial? but I refuse at this point in my life to be labeled a ?thing? ie, ?i am an alcoholic or i am a binge drinker?. I am infinitely more than those things that ?I do?. I have love and have friendships and a career and intellectual interests. I have the back of my friends and family, I write, I make art, I travel, I love, I love, I love. I am moved and inspired by people who make art and poetry, I adore art and music and people who can play and banter in dry wit.
I wish that I drank less and could take advantage more of the world and my talents. I also wish I had big tits and a flat stomach and while I have done everything possible outside of surgery to make that happen it ain?t gonna be... sober or not.
I am too diverse, too multifaceted to be pigeonholed. I am a rich, luscious, delectable person who drinks too much, sometimes. I am also a former fat kid turned athlete who has again gotten chubby and I can choose to obsess about being ?fat? or think I am gonna be sexy to someone who digs it.
I am hopeful that in my pursuit of peace..not happiness...as happiness can be bought for under $10 a bottle...that maybe my need for the stuff will dissipate as I focus on a life beyond it as I can not for now give it up all together. In the meantime I will remember that i am still capable of love, compassion and commitment in so many other areas. Despite what the media and Tv shows may show about ?us drinkers? I am capable of connection, love and empathy and as I have seen here, so are you. We are able to be sensitive and not narcissistic, perhaps too much. Hoping we can all honestly talk about the benefits without judgment here. We are all more than our compulsions. And yes I am drinking now, while frustratingly looking for a free, legal download of Lakme?s Flower duet...any ideas? Love and prayers and peace to you all.
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