Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living
WW,
I wanted to address your question from watching my daughter's and her husband's interactions with sobriety.
My daughter's husband is exhibiting some very disturbing signs with her going to rehab and quitting drinking.
While he hated their life together with her drinking, he is also rather controlling over her time and relationships with others. He has actually told her that once she sobers up, he is worried that she won't like him anymore. He told her a couple of days ago that if she spent the amount of time working on "them" instead of doing IOP and AA, there wouldn't BE any problems. Yesterday he yelled at her because she didn't call him the minute she got out of IOP and accused her of breaking a promise to call. She was rushing to AA to meet me... IOP requires she attend a minimum of 4 AA meetings a week.
She knows the "your sobriety must come first" is true. Like all of us, we know absolutely that if our sobriety does not come first, there is nothing else. In her case, death is going to happen and happen within a small amount of time based on her liver damage.
What she cannot express to him is that. His mind simply cannot grasp that, for whatever reason. Luckily for her, now that she has a little bit of sober time under her belt, she can look at it rationally, whereas drunk, she just cried and fell apart.
She is also determined that they both go to counseling because she now sees that his behavior needs some changes for this marriage to work. He must become less jealous of her activities or relationships that have nothing to do with him. She is also urging him to go to Al-Anon. I hope he does. He needs to understand.
It is funny, because my husband sometimes gets upset when I go to AA or spend too much time on MWO, just because he wants more time with me but when I remind him that these things help me stay sober, he quiets down. He loves me and does not want me to die. His attitude is, whatever it takes. However, he does understand the nature of addiction and knows that it has nothing to do with how much I love him. He has also figured out after almost 33 years of marriage that there is no way he could ever "control" me.
Okay. Just wanted to add an observation.
Love,
Cindi
WW,
I wanted to address your question from watching my daughter's and her husband's interactions with sobriety.
Hey Jaded. That's a situation. I wonder if your boyfriend could put into words why he does not want you to stop drinking. Seriously. I'm curious what he would say. It's not the first time I've heard that story - people in relationships with 'problem drinkers' who are not 'problem drinkers' themselves, but are not comfortable with the 'problem drinker' quitting all together. Why? I'm honestly curious and would love to hear anyone's thoughts on the subject. I have been in relationships where my significant did not want me to quit because he wanted me to 'keep up' with his own bad drinking - but that's different.
While he hated their life together with her drinking, he is also rather controlling over her time and relationships with others. He has actually told her that once she sobers up, he is worried that she won't like him anymore. He told her a couple of days ago that if she spent the amount of time working on "them" instead of doing IOP and AA, there wouldn't BE any problems. Yesterday he yelled at her because she didn't call him the minute she got out of IOP and accused her of breaking a promise to call. She was rushing to AA to meet me... IOP requires she attend a minimum of 4 AA meetings a week.
She knows the "your sobriety must come first" is true. Like all of us, we know absolutely that if our sobriety does not come first, there is nothing else. In her case, death is going to happen and happen within a small amount of time based on her liver damage.
What she cannot express to him is that. His mind simply cannot grasp that, for whatever reason. Luckily for her, now that she has a little bit of sober time under her belt, she can look at it rationally, whereas drunk, she just cried and fell apart.
She is also determined that they both go to counseling because she now sees that his behavior needs some changes for this marriage to work. He must become less jealous of her activities or relationships that have nothing to do with him. She is also urging him to go to Al-Anon. I hope he does. He needs to understand.
It is funny, because my husband sometimes gets upset when I go to AA or spend too much time on MWO, just because he wants more time with me but when I remind him that these things help me stay sober, he quiets down. He loves me and does not want me to die. His attitude is, whatever it takes. However, he does understand the nature of addiction and knows that it has nothing to do with how much I love him. He has also figured out after almost 33 years of marriage that there is no way he could ever "control" me.
Okay. Just wanted to add an observation.
Love,
Cindi
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