Announcement

**Cinders** · May 1, 2008, 07:54 AM

need help

Mary Anne,

I am very concerned about your post. One, because your family life is so miserable and TWO, because it seems that somehow you are thinking of yourself as unlovable and undeserving of love.

I can tell you all day long that is not true and you are extremely worthy but until you get it, it doesn't matter. Been there done that, Mary Anne. :l

Drinking issues aside, let's think about what YOU can do to feel you are special, lovable and worthy of a wonderful life.

Until you get there, your drinking is just a side issue and you won't be able to address that.

Any thoughts on this?

Much love,
Cindi

**tlrgs** · May 1, 2008, 07:58 AM

need help

time to put all the cards on the table and have a sit down with the whole family there .
say your demans and listen to his and work it out .
it take two to make a family and one to mess it up.
peace ,love and god bless

**lukalee** · May 1, 2008, 08:03 AM

need help

I am sorry you are feeling this way. You cannot let others bring you down. I know it is easier said than done, but you cannot let this fat, red faced pig get to you. He obviously has issues. As far as the marriage, I can't really say. But I can say that you deserve much better than that, whether that is able to happen in the marriage or not, that is for you to decide. Whatever it is, we are all here for you.

**bestlifeldms** · May 1, 2008, 08:08 AM

need help

Cowgal,

I am sending you a virtual hug. :l In my mind the best thing to do would be, not give fuel in any way to anyone, by drinking yourself. For me, it also, exaggerates the bad, I cry more easily, and fogs my minds ability to explore my options (reality). Another reason is that it seems to be very upsetting to your son - reason enough for me!

Before I would involve the whole family (FIL) I would talk to your husband, when he hasn't been drinking, and explain to him that you would like to go to counseling with him. I know that when I drank, divorce always seemed to come up, and this is DEFINATELY, not what I wanted.

In therapy these things all can come to light in a neutral environment, with a third person who will mediate. You will have the opportunity to say how you feel. It sounds as though your self esteem would be bolstered if you were empowered and able to state your true feelings without them being dismissed and being told to shut up. Wow! I'm certain your FIL and I would not get along. :bat

Marriage first, you and your husband supporting each other. Peace for the kids, then deal with the FIL, if you want to bother. Frankly, in my opinion, some people are not worth the effort. I would just limit my contact.

Love and support to you!

:h Best

**Eastender** · May 1, 2008, 08:26 AM

need help

I read your post in ODAT and feel sad that you are suffering this way today.
Usually you are such an energetic personality and have helped me and many others to "pull our socks up" and get on with it, many a time.
Maybe your FIL has issues himself, thats why he drinks? Maybe a little jeolousy is involved that his son has a wife? He wants to stir up trouble?
Do not think such terrible things about yourself Cowgal. You are very much loved and appreciated here,and I am sure at home. Your son displayed that to you.
Try not to let this chavernist get to you, he is just jeolous that you have more guts than he has, (not physically I mean! ) in your spirit.
Don't let him drag you down, with all the effort you have put into yourself he is nothing but a damn bully!!!

Take care of yourself:l

Eastxxx

**gabby1go** · May 1, 2008, 08:39 AM

need help

I cannot believe what an a** the FIL is! How dare he tell you to "shut-up" in front of anyone, especially your family. Dismiss the redfaced bastard and be finished with him. How can you get healthy when you have such blatant disrespect and unloving energy coming toward you. Make a vow that you will not spend time with anyone that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Yes, you have to deal with your husband and hopefully counseling will work. Maybe you can work it out but first determine if you REALLY want to. Get some AF days behind you, clear your head, maybe do a pro/con list about your marriage and figure out if it is worth it. But calculate the AL out of it. Do all of your problems stem from AL abuse? or is AL just a factor? Take care of yourself first. You can only take care of others if you are healthy in mind and spirit. You are not unloved. Remember that you have a whole community that cares about you, your well being and your happiness. Big hugs to YOU! Gabby.

**Janice** · May 1, 2008, 08:41 AM

need help

Mary Anne, I was so sad to read your post today......you are always there for everyone else with lots of love and support. Its funny I should read your post today cause I was putting in my last entry on drinktracker last night and noticed all the zeros next to your name for April. You are doing just great, just remember try to separate the drinking from your feelings.......its not easy but it really does help. Your husband and father-in-law clearly have their issues that they are going to have to deal with one day but don't let either of them bring you down in the meantime. Its 1st May, get back on that wagon, protect your sobriety, and your sanity, come what may!

sending all my love and a big hug your way,

Janicexxx

**cowgal** · May 1, 2008, 08:44 AM

need help

thanks for the love

I know I am a loveable, nice person, but w/ all the comments/insinuations etc last night I let it get the best of me..................I think w/ the counseling we just went through (thought) it may have helped, but he (Mike) is just like his dad, he denies it of course, but he is obese, had a heart attack and has done zilch, zero nil to change his lifestyle for the better, I am so hurt and scared he is going to have another one, die maybe, no life insurance of course...............he is taking >$350.00 in meds/ month and thinks that is all he has to do, eats horribly etc.................as for catching him when he is not drinking to have a decent conversation, well that is about impossible because he drinks EVERY day all afternoon, he is in construction and that is the code..................

I have alot to think about, will make an appt for a counselor for myself and sons, we can at least get better if Mike chooses to stay sick.

I feel alot better already, I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

:thanks::thanks:

THANKS!!!!!! HUGS!!!!

MA:l:l

**bestlifeldms** · May 1, 2008, 09:00 AM

need help

Great! The best place to start is with ourselves. You should be very proud of yourself, too, that you are taking steps to show your kids how important it is to have emotionally healthy relationships. We are like mother lions. Gotta give our kids the best we can! If we can raise them to an emotionally healthy adulthood, we have given them the greatest gift there is!

I hope you can change your mood from sad to hopeful, soon!

Love- Best

**Beck** · May 1, 2008, 09:05 AM

need help

Mary Anne,

All family situations are different, hard for me to make a recommendation for you. I will share my situation and how I am dealing with it (and I haven't posted about this before for similar reasons)

You should know that I have been sober for ...counting...88 days. I had intended to mod after 90 days by cannot because I have to DEAL with (rather than avoid) my disintegrating marriage. 18 years - 4 girls (7,11,13,15). Husband a moderate drinker at best. We've been having a tough time (off and on0 for years. I took a lot of shit off him when I was drinking that I can no longer tolerate.

First, I will stay sober
Second, I will circle the wagons around my girls - protect them from as much of the ugliness as I can.
Third, will do whatever it takes to save the marriage...counseling...I will insists on being treated respectfully - I deserve that.
Lastly, If the marriage fails anyway - I will have given it my best effort and I will move on.

I hope this helps you . You deserve better. Keep away from the poisonous FIL,
Good Luck,
Beck

**Chief** · May 1, 2008, 09:33 AM

need help

Mary Anne...

You are such a loving and giving person.....you don't deserve to be treated like this.

I was thinking......if you were on MWO and read your post, only it was written by someone else, what advice would you give?....

It seems you have been struggling to keep this marriage afloat for quite some time.....but you are the only one that seems to care about it. I don't have the answer for you....I would just like you to try and stand back and look at the big picture.....

I think you feel trapped. Sometimes people in bad marriages feel it's easier and better off for everyone if they stay in the marriage......kids, finances, etc....

I don't believe that's true.

We're all with you....stay with us, and get back on the AF horse. Don't give your husband and FIL the satisfaction of believing they were able to make you drink.....

Don

**KateH1** · May 1, 2008, 09:41 AM

need help

Hi Maryanne,

Lots of good thoughts here. You are such a special lady, you really want to live a sober life, it is so obvious!

As for the marriage issues, I agree with Chief on every level. Sometimes, we just have to end it and move on. Sometimes, we need to try counseling first. In your heart, I think you know what you need to do. I encourage you to do something, whatever you think is best, just take action!

I don't believe in a family chat over marriage issues. There are only two people in a marriage, a man and a woman, there are also children, and other members in a family. I hope that you and your husband can have a talk about your next step in this marriage, I hope you can do it sober.

We are here for you, please be there for yourself, I know you work hard at doing this!

XXX Kate

**happydog** · May 1, 2008, 09:59 AM

need help

Hi mary ann
so sad to see you are having a bad time...I think your husand and father inlaw like to play mind playing games with you.....You know he would never go through divorce because he would not be able to look after himself on his own.
Your kids need your more because you are the strong one mary ann in there eyes thats why they need you to be sober.
mary ann you have got a great loving personality dont let them bring you down. stay strong.

wishing you all the best of luck.:l

**Thankful** · May 1, 2008, 10:02 AM

need help

Cowgal ~ there is a lot of great advice here. Please don't let someone else control you. I've got to give you credit though. If someone told me to shut up in public, I would have gotten up and walked out, middle of dinner or not. FIL needs to be told that is no way to speak to you. Your husband should have been the first to say it to him as well! But that's the past.

It's sounds like they live very unhealthy lives. Maybe your sobriety makes them take a look at themselves and they just don't like what they see. I say too damn bad. You deserve to be happy and healthy. I've had some sabotages in my family in the beginning. And the more they tried to influence me to drink, the more determined I got to piss them off and not!

Remember there is an old saying ~ The best revenge is living well!!

Take care of you and your children. Tell hubby he is either with you or against you, but he has to make up his mind as to which soon.

Best of luck, hun. And live well!!

Love, Me
:l:h:l

Welcome Guest to My Way Out Forums.

Announcement

need help

need help

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment