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[cowgal]

need help

changing

THanks to all of you, I am changing to hopeful, have to run an errand for work, will be able to hang out here for a while when I get back, hopefully help some newcomers and give good cheer and advice, like you all have given me, I intend to stay af today, I am (was almost without the two bloops)30 days, that is what lets me down the most..............

My sadness in my kid's eyes (zac's) kills my heart, makes me cry even more, I wish I could take that back sooooooooooooo badly!!

off across town, ttyl, love you all,

thanks again for all the wonderful advice!!!:thanks:

MA:l:l:l:h

[time2change]

need help

Mary Anne
I sent you another PM. Please know that I think you are one of the most loving people I have ever "met". You have been there for me since we first "met". Our situations are so similar and I will always be here for you.
Luv
Patti

[greeneyes]

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Cowgal, the days count. I don't think the bloops matter that much. And kids are very resiliant. What you saw in Zac's eyes may have been projection of what you felt in yourself. If you need to leave, have a consultation with a couple divorce attorneys (ask about their consult fees first) and get a feel for where you stand. You are a good person and in control of your life. Believe in yourself. :l Many of us here do. :h

[Accountable for Me]

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Mary Anne, I have 'known' you for a long time on these boards. You have had so many struggles with alcohol and your marriage, etc. You are doing great racking up those AF days!!! I, simply, wanted to send you loads of hugs. :l:l:l:l

[petpeeve]

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Mary Anne, you or anybody does not deserve to be treated that way, you are a special person and need to be there for your kids and I think counseling for you and them is a step in the right direction. I have been there/here, done that, ex was a beer drinker and threatened divorce after drinking the worm in a tequila bottle at a party, proceeded to walk home (10 miles) and then had to deal with a diabetic reaction when we finally got home - all this and i had a 3 1/2 year old and was 6 months preganant!!! It took me 7 more years of dealing with this crap before I finally got the strenght to say it was over - only THEN did he suggest counseling, i said it was too late.....10 years later it was the best thing i ever did for myself and my children, who are now 17 and 21 and realize what i did was best because their dad hasn't changed one bit - even after loosing both his parents to cancer and loosing a half of lung due to living around smoke, plus he still drinks like crazy (lives alone in mom's old house) and rarely talks to the kids, almost like punishing them for what I did......I'm not saying this is the right path for everyone, it was just the right path for me, and i guess i just needed to vent a little because he was giving my oldest a bunch of crap on the phone last night when she tried to call to be nice.
I guess I am saying take a good look at what you really want and what's best for all of you. I am hoping for you that counseling does work, and I agree with the others, stay away from the FIL if/when at all possible, no one needs that crap, particularly in public........

[Noelle]

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I feel unloved, unliked, digusting, sad etc...............

MA, why can't you think the very same thing about them instead of you? You just totally described them to me......and it's not the first time. So remember that......THEY are unlovable, unlikable, disgusting and sad.......I mean stupid.

Many, many hugs sweetie!!!!!!!! :l:l:l

[nancy]

need help

Back on track

Hi Cowgal

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of different issues here. You are struggling with your own sobriety all the while witnessing drinking problems in your husband. It sounds like you are very unhappy with yourself when drunk and also very unhappy with him when he is drunk. It's clear that you care about the effect on your kids and don't think he is going to also show the same kind of caring and responsibility.

As for your father-in-law, maybe you are worried that your husband is going to turn into him, very similar etc. Sounds like an unhealthy dynamic.

One piece of advice I could give you is to learn not take things personally. I have really been focusing on this a lot lately and it's helped. So you get to the dinner table and no one says hello. Maybe you felt insecure or emotional andyou got really upset about it. It's not a reflection of you though. There was some reason they did not say hi? they were distracted?

Then this sets you up to be defensive. A lot of times people act in certain ways that have nothing to do with us. But those of us who are sensitive don't see it that way.

You say your father in law rubs his drinking in your face. But this is really about you, not him. Because if you felt calm about it or settled with it, he would not have this effect on you. Sounds like you are struggling with the not drinking and would be best off not being around him while you are in early stages.

I would try to minimize my time with someone like him.

Now about your marriage...You had almost a month without drinking right? and that is great. Maybe you start to wake up about your husband and disapprove of his behavior which you know is bad for your kids.

But in my opinion it's a lot for you to take on right now to get his drinking problem under control and deal with your marriage issues while you yourself are trying to get sober.

My advice is to get some more sober days under your belt, try to be a positive role model for him. Maybe over time he is going to change when he sees the positive changes in you.

Later, you will need to decide if the sober healthy you wants to be with the drunk, unhealthy him. But please, give yourself some time to make this decision.

Also, no doubt you feel unloveable because you feel you messed up with the drinking once again. But it seems to be a long process to get sober for some people and you just have to have some compassion for yourself and try again.

Take care and hope you are feeling better.

[time2change]

need help

MA
Nancy has such great advice. Since I am in the same boat as you I can only say that everything she says sounds right but the main thing she stresses is work on yourself first. Be selfish. I have heard this before and hope to be able to do the same.

Please read my PM and respond when you are able. I'm thinking about you and you are lovable. There are so many here that know that.

[Beaches]

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MA, with each post you are sounding stronger and that's great. You know that you are valued and that's what you need to live by. Don't let anyone else steal your energy.
Do what you need to do to be happy. :l

Sending you thoughts of peace and strength.

[cowgal]

need help

new day

It is a new day, and a positive one, Mike is still himself, I cannot change that, I CAN however change myself and stay in the moment and af! I am feeling so much better thanks for all your advice and support guys!!:thanks:

I truly want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, and anything I can EVER do for you, I mean ANYTHING! let me know, I will try to be there!

My computer access is still the same though, cannot get on on weekends or evenings usually, but during 8-4 EST I am always at least checking in if not posting or reading...............

love you all dearly!!!!!:l:h:l

Mary Anne:h

[Thankful]

need help

So glad you are feeling better, sweetie!

Great attitude! Hang tough! Never let them get you down!!

Best wishes.

Love, Me
:l