I BLEW IT!!

[magic]

I BLEW IT!!

Cindi.....

Damn. :l

Take something for your headache will you, life is hard enough as it is.

If beating this disease was simply 'mind over matter' there would be a whole lot more winners.

Regardless, Cindi, you're a true 'winner' in my book. Take what you need from this and then let it go.

m. xxx

[Cinders]

I BLEW IT!!

MM and Kathy,

You are both so kind and sweet.

I love it. "Spitting on a tree"

You made me laugh, MM, and that made me feel much better.

Thank you everyone.

Love,
Cindi

[Cinders]

I BLEW IT!!

Chief,

Script is at the pharmacy right now. I can't take it for two days but hubby says he is going to watch me like a hawk until I get it back in my system.

Yep. Beast has been here hanging around. I thought I could beat him but as ALWAYS when I get into the ring with him, he wins. Everytime.

I surrender.

Love,
Cindi

[betty boop]

I BLEW IT!!

Cindi love, you are not weak, If you were you would have never taken the Antabuse in the first place ............

Dust yourself off and be proud of your long term progress .........

Love ya, BB xx

[Cinders]

I BLEW IT!!

Magic,

You are absolutely right. I am taking from this what I need to.

I wish I could say my life was hard, but it isn't. I have a wonderful life IF I DON'T DRINK.

I am going to have to deal with the normal stresses of a wedding and family coming and hubby painting furniture in the middle of my living room amidst all this without alcohol. Oh geez. Kick me, beat me, make me write bad checks.

Compared to many, my life a dream. It really is. I have a great job, I have a loving husband, I have two wonderful children (yes one with problems, but who doesn't?) and three gorgeous grandchildren. I simply cannot let this disease ruin it all.

That would be a heinous crime.

Oh, and Poulan, who is really hanging tight today. I can't move without him following me around. He is even going into the dreaded bathroom with me. (He hates baths and usually won't even venture into the bathroom.) I am not sure if it is because he knows I am feeling bad or the weather, which is really getting grim even as I type this.

I really hate this battle but am girding my loins to fight it no matter what.

Love,
Cindi

[time2change]

I BLEW IT!!

Cindi

So sorry that you are going through this. If you remember I had 20 days last month using antabuse and then for some reason decided I didn't need (or was it want) to take it. That led to 8 days of drinking and hang overs. But just the fact that you are strong enough to realize that you need to refill that prescription immeidately is a testimony to haw determined to beat this you are.

Think back to where you were with AL three months agao and then look at how far you have come. You should never diminish that kind of progress. You are getting better at beating the beast everyday and we are all standing right behind you to support you.

Be kind to yourself and thank your husband for being so supportive of you also.

[Yosemite Sam]

I BLEW IT!!

Cindy,
Please don't even think you are weak. Last night was
just another tough lesson, use it to make yourself stronger,
to increase your resolve! The next time Al whispers in your
ear, remember last night and turn him down!

Remember, you are spirit, you are free, Think positive.
You will beat this, I can feel it in my bones.

With love and healing, Sam

[Cinders]

I BLEW IT!!

Thank you, everyone!!

I posted this because I needed to. I knew I could "hide" and pretend nothing was wrong but that would have been false.

No. I refuse to let one day derail me. As soon as the pharmacy has the Antabuse, I am going. They had to order it from another one in town.

They did this last time. I told them I am still a drunk and still need the Antabuse. The pharmacist laughed.

I posted because I want everyone to know that anyone can slip but we cannot let a slip become a relapse. That is not an option here. And the slip hurt big time. Big time.

Yes. I played with fire and I got burned.

If I ever play with fire again, I will get burned again. That simple.

It is not possible for me to moderate. I keep trying to test the waters and keep losing. This time, I am going to stay on the Antabuse for good. I told the pharmacist to keep it in stock for me and I will pay if my insurance won't. Period.

Much love to all of you for your support. Without all of you, I would never have even tried, much less made the progress I have.
Cindi

[Beck]

I BLEW IT!!

Cindi,

You have always been there reminding me to be strong - especially when I look for excuses to give in - like just yesterday!

Take the meds with no guilt. It is not a crutch - it is what gave you your life back.

Best to you,
Beck

[Chief]

I BLEW IT!!

Good Job, Cindi....

Proud of you for not letting this turn into a binge.....

Don

[Determinator]

I BLEW IT!!

Cindi, so sorry I didn't realize last night what was going on.

i think this illustrates that you have some coping skills to develop. it's when things get tough that we find the chinks in our armor, and you have been under a TON of stress. Agreed with Don...don't let this turn into a binge and you'll be just fine.
be well dear. XXXXX

[AMELIA]

I BLEW IT!!

Hi Cindi, really sorry to hear that you had a slip. Great to hear it was just that and you stopped after one night. I am presently waiting for my Antabuse (6 months supply!!). So I will be on the wagon with you honey. I would really like your Antabuse thread to carry on too......I think I will need it!!
Thinking of you. You are strong and after 50+ days AF you know what works......and also what doesn't. Don't let the Antabuse run out.
Thinking of you and sending my love.
xxxxx

[Lucy Van Pelt]

I BLEW IT!!

Cindi-

Your honesty is incredible, and it is allowing me to be honest here now. I am like you. Antabuse has been a godsend to me, in that when I take it, I don't drink. Period. And, I feel so good. I started Antabuse in early March, and the amount of AF days I have had are wonderful...However...

My beast is big and powerful. After 26 days AF in March, I went off the Antabuse for a little while. When it was gone from my system, I drank. I didn't enjoy it, but did it anyway. In most of April, and now May, I find myself taking the Antabuse, only to wait a few days and try out a night of drinking. I drink less then I used to, and truthfully don't seem to enjoy it, and the day after, I don't feel so great, and immediately pop the pill again. You would think I would learn from experience after experience that drinking is just not worth it, but the truth is, in 3 or 4 days, I feel the need to "try" out some alcohol again. This frightens me on at least two levels. First of all, I worry that when I am injesting the alcohol, I still have some Anatbuse in my system, and I don't know what the effect of this is on my liver. Secondly, it is painfully obvious to me that my beast is there just waiting for an opportunity. I haven't posted much here, because, quite frankly, I just wish this wasn't happening, and telling you all would make it true. But it is true. I am not sure what the answer is. The obvious answer is for me to take the Antabuse EVERY morning, plain and simple. But, I don't even know if that is enough. I don't want to be on this medication for the rest of my life, and I am becomming quite certain that the beast is just waiting the chance to drink. I guess I am coming to realize that I probably need to do something in conjunction with the medication. AA? Counseling? I am not sure.

I am trying not to be too hard on myself about all this. I have had more success than ever, and I feel stronger every day. I have resumed working out religously, have lost 8 pounds and look better than ever, and I am not throwing in the towel. I haven't been majorly "drunk" since early March. I am far from where I need to be though.

Anyway, I am sorry to be ranting about me, me, me. I just wanted to tell you how your honesty here has really helped me. You are amazing. You are not starting over, but like sooooo many who are successful, had a slip. Nothing more. You are ready to go back on the medication and you will be successful on it. I do think we need (you, me and probably others) to realize that this tool is wonderful, but the beast does wait within us anyway. Sucks, but that is the fact.

I am so proud of you, and you really inspire me. The real Cindi (not the beast) has come through loud and clear on these boards in the past month or more, and you are really an amazing, strong, and wonderful person. I wish your beast and mine would hook up and go off somewhere by themselves to get trashed. (just a fantasy of mine).

Love you,

Beth

[nojoke]

I BLEW IT!!

Hey Cindi

You are nothing like the person you were when you first came to this site right? So you have made some really positive changes to your life and you like what you see. Last night was just a glimpse at what you have left behind, and it is going to make you all the more determined to keep striving forward. Get those meds, and soldier on. We are at war with AL and my goodness, you have the strength to bury him. You are strong my dear, and all of us here are supporting you.

nj xx

[Peanut]

I BLEW IT!!

Oh Cindi,
You have been such in inspiration to me since I joined this group, and what you did was not bad! Think of it as an experiement. That is what I keep thinking of what I am doing by NOT drinking - hoping that my experiment will continue into the future, thereby becoming natural, and no so experimental, but I am so unsure.
You will get back on track - We are all with you!
Peanut