Living Sober

[hippie37]

I've felt for a long time now I was doing all the right things in order to keep me sober and in some areas I have been doing this. But for me this is still not enough and I still need and want more out of being sober. I have for a long time been accepting sobriety and not truly living sober and this has lead me to feel isolated, lonely and deep down unhappy with my life. I've struggled to come to terms with what 'living' sober means to me and I have come to the conclusion that I cannot keep psycho analyzing myself over every step I take forwards as I am only hindering myself. I feel like a child at times continually asking the question WHY?..."Yeah but WHY?". I just became tired of all this questioning and I know I need to let go and just let things be at that moment in time without the questioning. I have also realised that my primary support for staying sober is this forum and for me that is not the way it should be. I need something more than this forum alone to continue living sober and I have been afraid for too long to go out into the world and ask for help as well. Yes I have done a CBT course and I am getting help with getting back into work etc but this is still not helping me identify with who I really am as a sober person.

Anyway I have finally taken steps (excuse the pun) and started going to AA meetings and meeting fellow alcoholics face to face. I have put all my prejudices aside and I have been going to meetings daily for just over a week now. I am finally making a connection with the outside world!! A world I have been too afraid to embrace sober and if I'm honest I have been, again, going through the motions. I've just read a thread by bear today where he uses the elevator analogy and it just so rang true with my own sobriety.

I did have more than a few drinks a few week-ends back and although the insanity returned momentarily I have returned to sobriety with AA as my primary support. With that in mind I have not been spending hardly anytime on forums recently but felt compelled to write something today after hearing of the death of bear. I still need the love and support I get here but I also need to spend less time here and more time living in the real world. This is a great community but forums for me have to come as supplementary to my sobriety.

Love and Happiness to all my friends here
Hippie
xx

[beatle]

Living Sober

I think we can all relate. We all have to keep adjusting our strategies as we move along... what works well one week may not the next. Change is good, it moves us forward. You may find you need to be away for a while, and you may want to come back for a while. We must do what works, what feels right, and what keeps us moving forward.

[Cinders]

Living Sober

Hippie,

So glad to hear from you. You are such a wonderful spirit on this site and I personally miss you when you are gone.

You know, my husband of 33 years who is now 56 years old is STILL trying to figure out who he is. Truly. I am not kidding at all about that. I think you and he are two very similar souls. Restless, mind constantly going, doing many different things and always trying to find what makes you tick. Oh, and he has NEVER been a drinker or a drug taker.

Hmm. It could be that the feelings you have are just YOU, sober or drunk.

However, I love him for it. It is one of the things that has always kept me so attracted to him. My life has never been boring!!!

I, too, go to AA, Hippie. I am a "people" person and I need that eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart connection with people. Last week in a strange city, I found a great group to meet with every night. Those meetings helped me so much, especially after I heard about Bear. They welcomed me with open arms and I have met some wonderful new people.

I went to my "home group" yesterday and we had a wonderful meeting. About half the people there were brand new to AA. So in the room was a man in his 70s talking about walking into AA 17 years ago court ordered and how he found his way, and then there was a young girl about 20, sitting there with tears in her eyes and talking about how afraid and lost she was. We talked about Step 1 because it seemed so appropriate. I enjoyed hearing everyone's different view of Step 1. Hearing all those different views helped me understand that we all look at life so differently.

I hope you continue to learn and grow and find your way in life. Not just about your sobriety but about your continual search and growth for love, happiness, fullfilment and peace.

Love,
Cindi

[hippie37]

Living Sober

I've always known Cindi that I am one of life's searchers/dreamers, always wanting to know what it all means and where I come from. I guess when I got sober I had even more of an identity crisis!! Questioning things is a part of who I am and I do believe this is a good thing as long as I keep a certain amount of perspective on things. Sadly this has not been the case recently and I have been questioning like a child again.

I have not taken any further steps as far as AA goes other than meetings at this moment in time. I met a great guy the other week who said to me "See all the f***ers in here wanting serenity? "I just want to be running down the beach naked!!" I made a real connection with what he had to say. He's 58 and grew up in the 60's so I think he kind of got where my head was coming from in respect of wanting to live sober. I don't want what they call 'white knuckle sobriety' in AA I too want to be able to run down that beach naked!!lol. I get a lot from the meetings to be honest and just hearing the emotion in someones voice makes all the difference in the world to me. I freaked out a bit last night though after seeing a face I hadn't seen in over 15 years at a meeting. We used to drink/sleep together all those years back and I really wanted to say something to her after the meeting but I felt so anxious that I had to leave rather hastily!! It was a rather large meeting as well and not what I was used to so I was already feeling a bit nervous/anxious anyway. I just know at this moment in time I need to be doing the meetings and that's OK with me for now. The concept of being able to hand things over to a higher power is also beginning to sink in and I see the importance of this in my own life as far as the questioning goes.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[hippie37]

Living Sober

Hi beatle!

Yeah I totally agree with you. I have needed change for some time now to be honest but I allowed myself to get caught up in a way of thinking that had no room for adaptation. Plus my stubbornness would not allow me to let go of things.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[brittzak]

Living Sober

Hippie,
This site is WONDERFUL, but I think we can get obessessed with sobriety to the point it is not healthy also. Coming here and supporting is a great tool, but LIVING on here and CONSTANTLY worrying and thinking about NOT drinking is not the goal. I stopped counting days this time. After 30 days I said...I am sober, I do not need to keep up with a daily count and report it to myself and others. THIS IS JUST ME....I tend to obsess over things and I did not want to do that this time.

[brittzak]

Living Sober

PS....my cousin is home from rehab, called me yesterday...he was going on a date asked 'what do I do....he's know the lady for YEARS, he's in his 40's...I said...show up naked, wrapped in Christmas lights......we laughed and laughed. People take life so SERIOUS they forget to enjoy it! I said....she'll either laugh or beat the hell out of ya....guess he showed up in his jeans....ha ha He texted me at 2 am and was a happy fella. HA HA HA Hippie, just enjoy......

[Determinator]

Living Sober

hi Hippie, nice to find your post this morning.

can you specify what is the question you keep asking "why"? to?

additionally I don't see myself through the filter of a sober person anymore. don't get me wrong...I'm very proud of being sober but really I am just I. Just me. Sobriety is not a filter, it is the LACK of a filter over my true being. Like Lau Tse said about windows: it's the lack of material in a wall that makes a window. the lack of something makes it useful and enjoyed.

so...what is that question? .....

[Determinatrix]

Living Sober

Hipster - wanting to understand the almight WHY is an important step to acceptance. Be mindful of this step. Know that somethings are not to be understood. They just are. Det and I were talking about your post this morning as he went thru something similar. I hope that he gets on here and is able to share with you something that will be helpful.

Love ya, brother!
Dx

[Determinator]

Living Sober

Dx....I'm here...see....I'm waving

[nancy]

Living Sober

Hi Hippie

This all sounds good to me. You are building a new life and to do that you want face-to-face contact. You need new social circles to replace the old things you used to do.

I wish you all the best.

[KateH1]

Living Sober

Hi Hippie,
So good to hear that you are back to being AF. What ever you need to do to find your way, is the best way for you. I completely agree with Determ.....I do not see myself AF as having to prescribe to anyone else's way of living or thinking. I know, that for me, living as a non-drinker has given me more freedom than I ever had as a drinker.

I see life as a journey, every changing always evolving. I know my core values and those, will not change, but as for who I am......well, I am a free spirit, in love, wonderful grown children and grand children, I have a full life, but yet still I remain autonomous! I choose not to identify with any group or group thinking.....but, yet, I am ever exploring.....life is an adventure! I identify with people from newborn to 100. The thing is.....the difference is, I know longer drink......that is True Freedom!

I too, like Det and Dx would like to know, what it is that you question?

Carpe Diem!
Kate

[tlrgs]

Living Sober

hi there hippie27..i totally agree we need more . for every step you take forward you get stronger.and yeah aa is a great place to meet other alcoholics and you sound like you got it under control keep it up .
stay strong and god bless

[hippie37]

Living Sober

It's the DT's!!!lol

I couldn't even begin to understand the logic behind my questioning. I think years of having an altered reality has left it's mark on me TBH. I guess I feel alien in this world somehow and I need to find my niche and where I fit into the bigger picture. I have said in the past that the pursuit of happiness is infinite and the search will always remain fruitless as long as we are searching but I cannot seem to let go of the searching somehow and not just with finding happiness. What then? I still don't know! something, anything, I haven't a clue!! I felt the other week a real sense of urgency and also loss. MY lifestyle choices have always revolved around the underground or alternative scenes and not being a part of that anymore does make me feel like I am not 'living' hence the question what does living sober mean to me?. Why can't I get in touch with the person inside and become that person I have always been but without the alternative reality?. Been trying for ages to identify with what normal people perceive life to be but it just ain't me. I see this as some kind of conformity and I can't get my head around this sober living or even living. And this brings me back to feeling alienated again and so the whole process repeats itself until about every 3/4 months I feel head wrecked and just want a blow out from it all.

I wish I could just let go and be, rather than questioning the shit out of everything as I feel I am battling with myself a lot of the time. I guess that's why I am trying to come to terms with this higher power issue in AA. Handing ones will over to a higher power. I have no problem with the thinking behind this as I have read and been to many talks on Shamanism throughout my early years of finding some spiritual guidance. I lost it all through drink though and I do feel some kind of spiritual re-awakening is what may be needed in me. I'm not suddenly going to start taking psychotropic plants again by the way!!.

gotta go get ready for a meeting tonight anyway Det, Dx so will hopefully talk some more with you soon on this. Thanks guys.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[paula]

Living Sober

Hi Hippi,
I also go to AA, and find it so comforting. As they say take it easy and one step at a time.
Not too much self analysis. That awakening will come, when it's time.
Love Paula.x