Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

[meditation mama]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Thank you all so very much. My heart feels full again. I was so very reluctant to post this, but I had to.

Ripple - I just read that you have had some difficulties as well. Be strong, my friend. We will all do this together. There is nothing more important than our sobriety.

LVT25 - Thank you for your prayers, I need them right now. you are a sweetie..

Beatle - Yeah, they told me it was going to be a breeze (the surgery) yeah right! I will punch it back to where it belongs. No more! I won't let that bastard AL win - I've come too far. Thank you!

My little Green Bean - You are such a cheery little star in my sky. Thank you for your kind words. I know, I will call my daughter ina bit and I am sure she is having a great time. I won't beat myself up about that anymore.. thanks.

TiT - I am so sorry for your difficulties, too. We will beat this - we actually have already by not giving up. We are winners and always will be as long as we never give in. Let's stay close over the next few weeks, OK? I'll be thinking of you.

No-L - My friend. You have done this before and yo ucan do this again. You were side by side with me, so please let me know what I can do to pull you along with me again. My hand is out. Please reach out and let us know what we can do. I am sorry I have not been in touch. I am here now. Please, please let's get back on this path together.. PM me.

SKendall - Thank you for the Advise. I will pull out the Advil and put it in my purse. I am still in pain and was just going to tough it out. I will NOT take the vicodin again now. I was in SO much pain after the surgery I had no choice, but now I will take Advil. I tell you what, though.. I am going to have to find an alternative if I ever have any hard core pain again. This is the second time I have slipped after taking vicodin. I will be honest with my doc. Oh, here's a dandy - my doctoe gave me 120 vicodin - who inthe hell needs that many - what the hell!! Good thing I'm not addicted to those!

kate - My sweetest freind. Seeing your post immediately brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad you were here tonight. I know I should have jumped on the phone or emailed when I saw I was in trouble, but I just am so bad that way. I hope you and WW and LIV and BELIEVE and THANKFUL and all my 120+ day buddies are not too mad at me. I love you all so much. I will be back there in 119 days.. Thank you for posting, my friend.

Well, I'm off to take my new puppy to pee and then to bed. I feel much better and feel a great sense of relief and love and inspiration and strength. I can do this. Tomorrow I am back to the REAL me again. Short jump off my path. Humble and quietly I will walk back on.

Love to you all..

MM

[meditation mama]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

AFM and Sammys - we crossed posted while I was writing my novel..

thank you both, too...

[tlrgs]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

hi there MM.. so sorry to hear this . but you did it once. you can do it again . get back up dust yourself off . and get back on the bull of life . and dont leave us again stay close ..and am so proud of you posting this . stay strong and my prayers for you and your family.
peace, love and god bless

[Determinator]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MedMama, so glad you are getting back on track with us. I'll try to rub off some of my happy vacation vibes onto you XXXXXX

TNT and Noelle, that goes for you two too.......

[Hannah]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MM - Sometimes life just hits us blindside, doesn't it? You are such an unbelieveably strong person, this was just but a minor detour - I know you will continue down the proper path - haven't you come back and stated your determination to?

You have come through so much, my friend, I admire you so very much. You will be fine, I know it. And your hubby with his g/f - No doubt he was looking at you, and noticed how much cuter/thinner you were too - don't kid yourself, of course he noticed! Well, his loss.

[Determinatrix]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MM - I have very limited access to the internet right now but wanted to post quickly to let you know I am rooting for you. Make a plan, focus, and take it day by day.

xoxox
Dx

[YoungAtHeart]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MM, I think you are so brave to come back and tell us about your difficulties. I'm sorry that the surgery was so hard. You already sound stronger for having reached out for help. Stay strong now that you are back. I love how the medical profession tells you it won't be bad at all, or you will just feel "a little discomfort". Hahahaha! I'm glad you are getting into a better place.

[nancy]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Hi MM

I am cheating- lazy- by not reading the other posts on this thread.

But you don't know what your daughter feels for real, in terms of her going off to another house. It could be for any reason.

What do you feel meditation mama? I think as long as you are dependent on what others feel about you that you will suffer a bad fate. Do you have an independent feeling about yourself?

Also this miguided thing about dealing with emotion with booze... I have thought a lot about it lately, and it seems to me to be really at home a feeling of not accepting the self. I know your name is meditation mama. Is that what you want to be or what you are?

[KateH1]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Nancy....I needed to hear this tonight.........Thank you.

I just want to add.....many of us, a young children, were not safe with our parents. Yet, we learned to press on, and work hard and soar........in spite of this. Yet.....hard as we tried, we never learned how to accept ourselves and our own feelings. For, to accept our feelings, as tought by our parents, would have meant self destruction. For some, perhaps many of us......this process of learning to live with our feelings is a really tough process. But, the important thing is that we continue to strive to be who we desire to be and we do not give up!

As for MM......she is a real as they come......sometimes it is just a struggle!

[nancy]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

to kateh

boy you sure are right

having experienced a lot of abuse, I have had huge troubles accepting aspects of life.
seems like a lot of women here have.

BUT

hmm what if we were on our own side
what would life be like?? If we stuck up for ourselves and laid back?

[lorisunshine]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MM I am glad that you are back. Sometimes life just really packs it onto our shoulders. I am sorry that you had to go through so much this year. Physically, mentally and spiritually - we are expected to be super humans, which we arn't and then we buckle and beat ourselves up over it and loose another bit of self worth and then the cycle starts over again. You just get right back onto the good track and before you know it life will get better.

KateH, as always very insightful.

Be well my friends,
Lori

[meditation mama]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Thank you all so much. I am feeling much better today. I have to agree with everything said here. We do have to be our own cheerleaders. We have to stand up for ourselves. We have to believe that we can do anything. "We have to be on our own side"! In the end, it is up to us.

Life can so difficult, but all of us here know how much more difficult we can make it if we throw alcohol into our lives. I have read so many posts by so many people on this site. I am always awestruck by the intellect of the people on this board. For me, I know that for years, before I found meditation, I needed a way to quiet my mind and alcohol seemed to be the only way to do that. Now, when I drink it covers up a very special, sacred space inside me and it hurts; it wounds my spirit. Drinking to "help" me with all of the issues that came up on me fast this past month was a knee-jerk reaction, that fueled by medication. It felt unfamiliar as I did it - not right, and for that I am thankful. I am very grateful I can see this and actually caught it before I got too far back into my addiction.

This morning I feel one step closer to freedom. I feel one step closer to finding my niche. I have had another struggle, that being finding a place for me since my separation and being sober. It has been hard "spreading my wings". Finding a community that I felt comfortable in. It has been lonely. BUT, I am feeling stronger. I feel confident that I can go to some activities that I have wanted to. I was a bit paralized to take that step. Maybe I needed this one last detour.. God willing, it is my last.

"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures"

Namaste,

MM

[CaptJBean]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

I couldn't take the Topa... it made me so depressed.
I took a two day crash course at ARCA... and they started me on Naltrexone, Campral and Zofran... and it worked!!!! and it worked immediately. This is the first time I've really been A/F with no regrets and no cravings...
Good luck and keep posting.
JB

[Accountable for Me]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

KateH1;332593 wrote: Nancy....I needed to hear this tonight.........Thank you.

I just want to add.....many of us, a young children, were not safe with our parents. Yet, we learned to press on, and work hard and soar........in spite of this. Yet.....hard as we tried, we never learned how to accept ourselves and our own feelings. For, to accept our feelings, as tought by our parents, would have meant self destruction. For some, perhaps many of us......this process of learning to live with our feelings is a really tough process. But, the important thing is that we continue to strive to be who we desire to be and we do not give up!

As for MM......she is a real as they come......sometimes it is just a struggle!

Kate - you are right on the money!

[cuckoosnest83]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Dear MM,

As you say in your post "we need to be our own cheerleaders" so I have copied a post you sent to me when I drank after making over 30 days AF. I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time and know you are in my thoughts. Take care, MM.

Cuckoo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi, sweetie!

I just popped in for a quick minute to see how everyone is doing. I feel how bad you feel for drinking last night, but you have learned and will continue to learn. It is a jouney. If someone came up to us and gave us the "magic pill", then we would have learned nothing. There is so much more to being a non-drinker than just not drinking. We have to recondition our mind, body and spirits along the way. We have been drinking for so long, and have grabbed many bad habits along the way. Slips are an unfortunate neccessity for many of us as we need to reprogram ourselves to our new way of life. It can be a very unsettling place to be, but in the long run it is who we are at our essence and when you are there you will know it. Learn as much as you can - take some time out and start again. Day 1 is only a fraction in time... You have your whole life ahead of you.

Namaste, my friend.

MM