Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

[Cinders]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

nancy;332577 wrote: Hi MM

I am cheating- lazy- by not reading the other posts on this thread.

But you don't know what your daughter feels for real, in terms of her going off to another house. It could be for any reason.

What do you feel meditation mama? I think as long as you are dependent on what others feel about you that you will suffer a bad fate. Do you have an independent feeling about yourself?

Also this miguided thing about dealing with emotion with booze... I have thought a lot about it lately, and it seems to me to be really at home a feeling of not accepting the self. I know your name is meditation mama. Is that what you want to be or what you are?

WOW!! Talk about a core aspect for many of us, Nancy!! I, too, have been working on this with my psych and my husband, if you can believe it.

My husband has started reminding me lately when he is discussing something with me and I turn it into "you don't approve of me" that in fact he isn't criticizing me!! He points out when I internalize a normal conversation into "I'm not good enough."

This has helped me greatly over the last couple of months with my sobriety.

You are so right, Nancy.

I know that many here don't subscribe to the AA philosophies but a lot of their ideas are right on. Acceptance.

Accept yourself, accept life as it is, hence the Serenity Prayer at the start of every meeting, only try to control what we can and should control. Accept the rest as it is.

MM - I didn't mean to hijack but Nancy's post hit spot on for me. I am so sorry you went through such a rough go. This has been a rough year for you. :l:l

I am overjoyed, however, that you have been able to put the brakes on, look at it for what it is and continue down the path you want to go. You truly are a strong woman!!

TNT - I sure hope you are feeling better today, too. You know your first post to MM was EXACTLY what our dear Bear said to many so many times. Never quit trying. When I read it tears sprang to my eyes immediately. What a powerful presence our dear Bear continues to have in our lives.

Noelle - Hang in there, girl. You can get past this. You can find you and know you are a beautiful "Child of the Universe... You have a right to be here.." We all love you. Never quit trying to quit.

Love to all,
Cindi

[meditation mama]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Thanks, Cuckoo.. that came straight from my heart. Thank you for sending it back to me. :h

cuckoosnest83;332765 wrote: Dear MM,

As you say in your post "we need to be our own cheerleaders" so I have copied a post you sent to me when I drank after making over 30 days AF. I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time and know you are in my thoughts. Take care, MM.

Cuckoo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi, sweetie!

I just popped in for a quick minute to see how everyone is doing. I feel how bad you feel for drinking last night, but you have learned and will continue to learn. It is a jouney. If someone came up to us and gave us the "magic pill", then we would have learned nothing. There is so much more to being a non-drinker than just not drinking. We have to recondition our mind, body and spirits along the way. We have been drinking for so long, and have grabbed many bad habits along the way. Slips are an unfortunate neccessity for many of us as we need to reprogram ourselves to our new way of life. It can be a very unsettling place to be, but in the long run it is who we are at our essence and when you are there you will know it. Learn as much as you can - take some time out and start again. Day 1 is only a fraction in time... You have your whole life ahead of you.

Namaste, my friend.

MM

[cuckoosnest83]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MM, you are welcome, my friend. :h

[BELIEVE]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MM, for what its worth I personally would never think less of you for struggleing a bit. I DO get mad at AL though. We've all suffered at his hands, I wish he would just leave us alone. But he won't so we gotta do what we can each day to beat him, you know? I have absolute and unshakeable faith and confidence in your ability to work through this, even if you slip up a few times or whatever, you'll start getting some traction sooner or later and be back in business! You've done it already! Al is strong but you've shown who's stronger.

I know I know not as deep as some of the other posts but I just wanted you to know I support you and dammit I know you'll get through this. I know you will!

[Finding My Self]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MM.....I just caught up with this and want to send you a huge hug..... Such a learning curve isn't it?!? And then we get given another 'gift' of a test....and through it we discover our strengths. (Sometimes our weakness but it depends which we want to look at more focussedly!)

Your strengths have shone through in this....your even stronger resolve, your even clearer inner knowledge and your even more beautiful growing self-acceptance and love.... For this, let's celebrate! Because, as they grow, so will your ability to get through the tough times in life with your own inner self rather than Al.... You say that even whilst drinking it felt all wrong as in unfamiliar and strange! Yippee! Change has occured!

Nancy - those are powerful words and thank you. Yup! I so want to be the calm, peaceful, serene person I think I ought to be rather than the bubbly, chatty and bouncy (*) bod I am OK as being...(who can be calm and serene too sometimes for myself!) (* I still worry that I am being 'noisy'! But I think that's not my 'label' either....?!? Most people keep saying, "Sorry, didn't hear you" to me....!)

And so many other lovely posts with amazing words - bright lot we are!

MM......I am so thinking of you, special lady. I hope by now your daughter is home and all is settling again...I, too, have to say that who says she went away for you drinking? But that's the truly uncomfortable side of Al - that we know we are now saying/doing/being our best around it and shame takes us down even if it's not the reason for anything. Hence the fact that, instead of handling a difficult situation, we assume it to be our fault and sink... It's so good to now look at folk and think, well, if you don't like me, you just don't like me and that's ok; I can't think of anything that I've said/done to upset you so let's just agree to pass on or agree to differ... And I never thought I would ever say it is good to live 'shame-lessly'!!! I use to think that was a sin....made me a terrible person...that it could only mean that I was switched off to people and didn't care! How wrong that was! (PS - Reading this back, I'm not that 'perfect' BTW.....eeek!)

Hey MM....you've got me rambling again! Just to say again, looking forward to hearing you feel better and happier again....you've had a basin full!

Love, Finding My Self Still (And it's a good journey!) xx

[Muddle]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Cindi, when you say 'My husband has started reminding me lately when he is discussing something with me and I turn it into "you don't approve of me" that in fact he isn't criticizing me!! He points out when I internalize a normal conversation into "I'm not good enough," it reminds me so much of how I internalize other people's comments.

What has helped you make the mental shift to turn this thinking around? Any insights would be appreciated.

[MyOwnWoman]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Hey MM,
I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you. And I have no doubt that you have all you need to get and stay sober - you are wise, conscientious, insightful, strong, brave and full of light.

[bootcampbarbie]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

ah my girl, well i'm just back from my trip to lenair for my putting self first. extreme self care. i remember so much all those times i slipped and got back on that horse. i am grateful having worked with rhonda to not be struggling with al. i do believe i'll have 5 months this week. you have had such major things to go through it is of course understandable that your system would reach for comfort where it remembers to go.
just know i'm sending you love and you are a beautiful person and today you will drink tea water and juice. you are loved by many including yourself.

[livingfree]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

My dear friend

MM my beautiful friend

I have been at a family reunion all weekend. Saturday I came as close to drinking as I have in the past 5 months of being AF. I turned into a Bi#ch for a day instead of drinking. My point is that sometimes life just isn't clear. It isn't easy and the solutions just come at us in ways that we have to deal with later. It's going to be okay.

You have walked a fantastic journey over the past year. Just think about who you are today compared to the day you logged onto MWO??!!! Give yourself some credit here! No beating yourself up. That is a voice from the past that must be quited!! You WILL get back where you need to be. You already are by deciding to go back on the topa, exercise, meditation, etc.

The STBX, the medications from surgery, etc. are all triggers for you. When they come at you - just bring back the "body guards" that you have spent so much time developing (this site and your friends here, the topa, the supps, the meditation, etc.).

The latest book I have read helped me get through this weekend. (Triggers for me -- my adult step children make me feel so SMALL I want to run, hide and drink!!) - but the BEAST was silenced with all my shouting at him! It wasn't pretty but it got me through Saturday. Sunday was easier. The book is "Rational Recovery".

I love you so - and send the biggest hugs. You are back on track.

Liv :l

[toughintexas]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

MM, I tried hard yesterday and today to get back on track, and I feel so much stronger for having done so...I prayed alot and read my journals, and devotionals, and got up, and got outside...really makes a difference. I had never put together the pain med's and drinking deal tho...sure hit home for me...I never take Rx's, even tho we own a pharmacy...our motto is "its to sell, not to take", so its rare occasion we take something other than a natural remedy, (esp. since my cancer scare)...anyway, after thinking about your post, I thought....hmmmm....I have to get off hormones for the week prior to my check-up and biopsy....hmmmmm....then, the day before, of, and after my biopsy, I take Vicodan....if I have to have a CAT scan, I'm flooded with drugs, IV, and via ingestion....then, to fly home, I have to take a few pain pills to fly, walk thru airports, etc...drive another 2 hrs. home....seems it always makes me "blow it", from stress, anxiousness over maybe having cancer again, pain, and just not being home...never put that together...next time, I'll do the ibuprofen....plus, I too, had just been out of my healthy routine. I'm so glad you mentioned the connection, I'll be so careful of that in Nov. Yesterday, hubby and I just slept in, read, re-potted flowers around our pool, planted some new ones, and went swimming and sunning, then spent time on the back porch reading somemore...even the bulldog, got to go "surfing" again, as is in my avatar...he loved it...we all got to bed early, got up, went to meet friends to see the Indiana Jones movie, went to dinner, and are back home, in our skivvies, relaxing. It makes sooo much difference to break the pattern, get some air and sun, and make yourself break the "habit" of feeling down in the dumps, and feeling so weak....I know we can do this, and will...and yes, I always wonder if "I'm good enough", and I have a pretty good self-esteem, but still, measure myself againist others...I think that's why there are soooo many of us here, that are such high achievers, successful, and smart..but we're too hard on ourselves! We need to lighten up, and treat ourselves right! And yes, Bear would want us to mush on...and yes, his passing did knock me to my knees....I'm upright now tho....love you all! TIT

[livingfree]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

toughintexas;333083 wrote: It makes sooo much difference to break the pattern, get some air and sun, and make yourself break the "habit" of feeling down in the dumps, and feeling so weak....I know we can do this, and will... TIT

Great advice TIT ! This one is going to my saver file!!!

Liv

[Niblet]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Our wise, wise MM... I love how you are able to be totally aware of what your body needs... I'm sorry that you are having a tough time, and then at the same time I'm so proud of you to realize you need to go back on topa. I've had my ups and downs also, so I know exactly how you feel hon.
I just wanted to show you my support and send a hug xxx well, a few hugs I guess

[Thankful]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

I know that I am so late in responding to this, but when I saw this I cried. Sorry just seems to be my nature lately.

I hope you and WW and LIV and BELIEVE and THANKFUL and all my 120+ day buddies are not too mad at me.

MM, please know how much we love and respect you. Anyone of us could be going through this right now and I know that you would never be mad at us. You'd be the first in line telling us tomorrow is another day.

You are in my thoughts and prayers my dear friend. You'll be ok. I know you will.

Love, Me
:l:h:l

[louise]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

Glad you are feeling better today. We are so hard on ourselves and so forgiving of others. I struggle by myself, not ready to try again. Finally I come back, feeling ashamed but ready to try again. Only to find that lots of others who had more success than me have had slip ups recently. Of course I don't judge them. I'm grateful for them sharing and feel less ashamed.

[Theme2be]

Hi.. It's Med Mama.. and I'm not doing so good...

The best of my thoughts are with you.
I am comforted as many are because of the words that have come from your heart to this place of comfort.

I wish you the rest and peace that you bring to many here.
Sincerely,
K