It was the 2nd June, 2007 that I first decided to give up the drink, or rather was slightly forced to give up the drink. After another insanely neurotic session of drinking and drug taking with friends and my now ex partner (a few days before this date) I came to the conclusion too that I could not continue drinking the way I was as it was starting to effect, not just me, but those around me who I loved. i have a 3 and a half year old daughter who at that time was getting no real attention from me. My partner's family didn't want to know me and would not even entertain the thought of inviting me round, for fear I would do something stupid in my drunken state. My mother who had no real emotional support as my dad passed away in Dec 2003 was seriously heading for a break-down and my own 2 brothers wanted nothing to do with me, understandably due to the state of my mother. I had previously tried on numerous occasions to cut down my drinking with help from my doctor, who had prescribed me acamprasate to help with any cravings. I had also been on anti-depressants for years. I still though had in my head the notion that if I could cut back I would be able to somehow let the meds do the work for me. I was even stupid enough to think it was the type of drink that was messing with my head ie. cider; because of the way it was brewed and fermented!!. So I changed my drink to lager instead. But guess what? I drank super strength lager that was 8 & 9% vol. instead of regular normal strength beer like Budwieser, Heinekin, or Foster's etc. I soon lost the taste for this though and was back drinking cider before I knew it. Plus, I could now buy a type of vodka that was only 22% vol. called 'Vodkat' for only ?3 a half bottle from my favourite off-license 'Bargain Booze'.
So 2nd of June was the date I decided enough was enough and I came online and googled AA in the UK. I still feel AA is the 4th emergency service purely due to the fact that it is so widely known about (and even if they do claim to be 'anonymous'!!). I eventually found a few forums where I could let of steam and talk about my thoughts and feelings and I made some very good friends too. I thought I was doing OK, doing it alone and getting support from new friends I had made online but after about 3 months in my Gran died and it hit me hard. My Gran was one of the few people who I felt understood where I was coming from and we would talk for hours each week when I would visit her. God! did we put the world to rights during those talks!!. As she slowly deteriorated though and lost her speech and her will to fight I became more and more upset inside seeing her this way. After she eventually died in September last year I felt I had to do all I could to support my mum and, at least, try and make up for all the years of misery I had put her through. I had already been helping with all the funeral arrangements etc and my Uncle was doing his part in arranging the wake. I was still living with my girlfriend at this time but not as boyfriend/girlfriend and the strain was beginning to show there as well. I had also come off the Antabuse at this time, thinking I was ready to go it alone but BOY was I in for a rude awakening. After all the plans and arrangements were made I felt I needed some time to myself to sort my own feelings and emotions out and I gave in to having "just a few drinks....No more than that".
A week later I was coming to the end of what was a living hell and nightmare. I had another week to go to the funeral and I was still drinking every waking hour and I decided that the only way I was going to get and stay sober was to move out of the home I had shared with my girlfriend for the last 5 1/2 years. I discussed things with my Mum and she agreed to let me move back home under one condition; NO ALCOHOL. I nearly slept for the whole week up to the funeral and even on the day I was still sweating and paranoid and nervous around family I had not seen in over 20 years or so. I was so angry at myself that I could not talk to these people who had all come together for the first time in absolutely years and years. I eventually got my brother to take me home under the pretense that I was not feeling too well but I knew deep inside that if I had chosen not to go on a bender I would probably of fitted in well and talked to my family. Instead I sat there with a glass of lemonade in my hand feeling totally out of place and wanting the room to just swallow me up.
By now I had also found this great site through a link someone had posted on the AA forum (That didn't go down to well!!) and I was beginning to find my feet here as well. This community was somehow one I felt more at home in and I was beginning to make some good friends back then too. Boops, Star, Bella, Bootsie, Saint Jude, tkeene, Cindi, trixie, and many others where all playing a vital part in those early days of keeping me sober and sharing things with me. It wasn't enough though to keep me sober through Christmas when I started to question whether or not I could go back to drinking sociably. I was actually looking for the excuse and confirmation from Star that my way of thinking was right and I had changed for the 'better'; meaning, I could handle a few drinks without it turning into another bender. I was also starting to feel very lonely at this point as it was my first Christmas alone for nearly 12 years. I eventually spent Christmas eve staying at my ex's (I wanted to be there when Jasmine woke up on Christmas morning!!) with her and her new boyfriend having a few drinks and a few joints and some good laughs. After getting up the following morning and spending time with my daughter, still in a bit of a daze, I couldn't wait to get out of there and get to my brother's so I could have another drink. I managed to get to my brother's and NOT drink for a few hours while waiting on other guests, but as soon as they arrived BANG!! I sparked a can before they even had their coats off. I got pissed YES but in a kind of controllable way as I think it was more of a lift out of my depression that I was seeking rather than oblivion. But it all went wrong when I got home with my mother and I needed "JUST ONE MORE!!". Don't cha just love them "JUST ONE MORE" moments??!! (NOT!!). It was still early about 8.00pm so I went out and bought JUST 4 MORE!!! sneaking 3 of them in the house from the garden (where I had stashed them on my return) after my Mum had gone to bed. It seemed like a lifetime between that one can and the other 3 but to be honest I cannot remember much after that can. I think I phoned Star up and proposed Marriage!!!!lol. Only joking!!. Although I do remember speaking to someone that night with a Scottish accent!! It may of been my mate Stevie from the AA forum. I thought those days where long gone when I would phone people up drunk wanting to chat at 3.00am in the morning!!.
So another relapse under my belt and I was back in good fighting spirits after a good break from the forum as I was also very unwell just after Christmas when I found out I had bronchitis. I manged to stay sober this time for about 4 and a half months before, again, the inevitable happened a few weeks back now where I was questioning what sobriety meant to me and where was my life going at this point in time. I've already posted about this before in the thread Living Sober and so I won't go into detail about this last slip.
A year on then and what's changed for the better. Well apart from about a months worth of drinking I have had 11 months of sobriety albeit broken up and each time I've relapsed I've had the good fortune to have such wonderful friends who've cared about me enough to give me the strength to carry on fighting. I still have the obsession with alcohol and I think that will never change until I gain some peace of mind and freedom from my own thinking. It's always been a thinking problem for me and my illness is in my head. I'm not wanting any kind of absolution for my relapses either as I chose to take that first drink which ultimately ended up in week long benders. Depression, loneliness, isolation, insecurities, grief, etc etc Nothing more than elaborate excuses for me to take a drink to be honest, because my thinking tells me its OK. Self pity has got me nowhere and although I do get melancholic from time to time I still don't have to take that first drink. It's the first drink that gets me pissed because I cannot stop at one and if I stay away from that first drink then I'll be doing OK. I'm not struggling with being sober but I am struggling with living sober. I have chosen to take the easy road in my life, wanted nothing to do with a society that I saw as being selfish, greedy and materialistic and I hated the fact that I couldn't change people and make them sit up and see what was happening right in front of their faces. Thing was though I couldn't even see what was happening right in from of ME and that my alcoholism was taking over my life. This past year has been a journey of many ups and downs in my life but i have finally come to the realisation that I cannot change the world and other people BUT I can change myself and become the man that is comfortable in his own skin. I now go to AA meetings as well which keeps me in contact with fellow alcoholics face to face and I'm starting to make some good friends there too. I'm starting to feel less isolated at present and I'm beginning to see the joys of sobriety rather than get these feelings that I'm missing out on something. I'd of never of gotten this far if it had not of been for the friendships I have made here and my other 2 forums.
Don't ever give up hope that there is a better life beyond alcoholism because it's something I have strived for this past year and I know the key to my freedom is there if I want it. I just have to reach out and grab it. I'm still reaching out, but I am getting some peace of mind in knowing it is there for me if I'm willing to put in the work and stay sober no matter what.
Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx
So 2nd of June was the date I decided enough was enough and I came online and googled AA in the UK. I still feel AA is the 4th emergency service purely due to the fact that it is so widely known about (and even if they do claim to be 'anonymous'!!). I eventually found a few forums where I could let of steam and talk about my thoughts and feelings and I made some very good friends too. I thought I was doing OK, doing it alone and getting support from new friends I had made online but after about 3 months in my Gran died and it hit me hard. My Gran was one of the few people who I felt understood where I was coming from and we would talk for hours each week when I would visit her. God! did we put the world to rights during those talks!!. As she slowly deteriorated though and lost her speech and her will to fight I became more and more upset inside seeing her this way. After she eventually died in September last year I felt I had to do all I could to support my mum and, at least, try and make up for all the years of misery I had put her through. I had already been helping with all the funeral arrangements etc and my Uncle was doing his part in arranging the wake. I was still living with my girlfriend at this time but not as boyfriend/girlfriend and the strain was beginning to show there as well. I had also come off the Antabuse at this time, thinking I was ready to go it alone but BOY was I in for a rude awakening. After all the plans and arrangements were made I felt I needed some time to myself to sort my own feelings and emotions out and I gave in to having "just a few drinks....No more than that".
A week later I was coming to the end of what was a living hell and nightmare. I had another week to go to the funeral and I was still drinking every waking hour and I decided that the only way I was going to get and stay sober was to move out of the home I had shared with my girlfriend for the last 5 1/2 years. I discussed things with my Mum and she agreed to let me move back home under one condition; NO ALCOHOL. I nearly slept for the whole week up to the funeral and even on the day I was still sweating and paranoid and nervous around family I had not seen in over 20 years or so. I was so angry at myself that I could not talk to these people who had all come together for the first time in absolutely years and years. I eventually got my brother to take me home under the pretense that I was not feeling too well but I knew deep inside that if I had chosen not to go on a bender I would probably of fitted in well and talked to my family. Instead I sat there with a glass of lemonade in my hand feeling totally out of place and wanting the room to just swallow me up.
By now I had also found this great site through a link someone had posted on the AA forum (That didn't go down to well!!) and I was beginning to find my feet here as well. This community was somehow one I felt more at home in and I was beginning to make some good friends back then too. Boops, Star, Bella, Bootsie, Saint Jude, tkeene, Cindi, trixie, and many others where all playing a vital part in those early days of keeping me sober and sharing things with me. It wasn't enough though to keep me sober through Christmas when I started to question whether or not I could go back to drinking sociably. I was actually looking for the excuse and confirmation from Star that my way of thinking was right and I had changed for the 'better'; meaning, I could handle a few drinks without it turning into another bender. I was also starting to feel very lonely at this point as it was my first Christmas alone for nearly 12 years. I eventually spent Christmas eve staying at my ex's (I wanted to be there when Jasmine woke up on Christmas morning!!) with her and her new boyfriend having a few drinks and a few joints and some good laughs. After getting up the following morning and spending time with my daughter, still in a bit of a daze, I couldn't wait to get out of there and get to my brother's so I could have another drink. I managed to get to my brother's and NOT drink for a few hours while waiting on other guests, but as soon as they arrived BANG!! I sparked a can before they even had their coats off. I got pissed YES but in a kind of controllable way as I think it was more of a lift out of my depression that I was seeking rather than oblivion. But it all went wrong when I got home with my mother and I needed "JUST ONE MORE!!". Don't cha just love them "JUST ONE MORE" moments??!! (NOT!!). It was still early about 8.00pm so I went out and bought JUST 4 MORE!!! sneaking 3 of them in the house from the garden (where I had stashed them on my return) after my Mum had gone to bed. It seemed like a lifetime between that one can and the other 3 but to be honest I cannot remember much after that can. I think I phoned Star up and proposed Marriage!!!!lol. Only joking!!. Although I do remember speaking to someone that night with a Scottish accent!! It may of been my mate Stevie from the AA forum. I thought those days where long gone when I would phone people up drunk wanting to chat at 3.00am in the morning!!.
So another relapse under my belt and I was back in good fighting spirits after a good break from the forum as I was also very unwell just after Christmas when I found out I had bronchitis. I manged to stay sober this time for about 4 and a half months before, again, the inevitable happened a few weeks back now where I was questioning what sobriety meant to me and where was my life going at this point in time. I've already posted about this before in the thread Living Sober and so I won't go into detail about this last slip.
A year on then and what's changed for the better. Well apart from about a months worth of drinking I have had 11 months of sobriety albeit broken up and each time I've relapsed I've had the good fortune to have such wonderful friends who've cared about me enough to give me the strength to carry on fighting. I still have the obsession with alcohol and I think that will never change until I gain some peace of mind and freedom from my own thinking. It's always been a thinking problem for me and my illness is in my head. I'm not wanting any kind of absolution for my relapses either as I chose to take that first drink which ultimately ended up in week long benders. Depression, loneliness, isolation, insecurities, grief, etc etc Nothing more than elaborate excuses for me to take a drink to be honest, because my thinking tells me its OK. Self pity has got me nowhere and although I do get melancholic from time to time I still don't have to take that first drink. It's the first drink that gets me pissed because I cannot stop at one and if I stay away from that first drink then I'll be doing OK. I'm not struggling with being sober but I am struggling with living sober. I have chosen to take the easy road in my life, wanted nothing to do with a society that I saw as being selfish, greedy and materialistic and I hated the fact that I couldn't change people and make them sit up and see what was happening right in front of their faces. Thing was though I couldn't even see what was happening right in from of ME and that my alcoholism was taking over my life. This past year has been a journey of many ups and downs in my life but i have finally come to the realisation that I cannot change the world and other people BUT I can change myself and become the man that is comfortable in his own skin. I now go to AA meetings as well which keeps me in contact with fellow alcoholics face to face and I'm starting to make some good friends there too. I'm starting to feel less isolated at present and I'm beginning to see the joys of sobriety rather than get these feelings that I'm missing out on something. I'd of never of gotten this far if it had not of been for the friendships I have made here and my other 2 forums.
Don't ever give up hope that there is a better life beyond alcoholism because it's something I have strived for this past year and I know the key to my freedom is there if I want it. I just have to reach out and grab it. I'm still reaching out, but I am getting some peace of mind in knowing it is there for me if I'm willing to put in the work and stay sober no matter what.
Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx
c: :heart:
da boots
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