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    #1

    Been hiding again

    Hi all -

    I haven't been on here for a while and really I should be. I have fallen back into all the old habits - been doing the sneak to different stores and finding new hiding places at home.

    I did so well - had almost 90 days AF earlier this year and then moderated ok for a while, now it's back although the fighting with my husband hasn't kicked in yet. I had lost 40 pounds and now have gained 10 back.

    Last night it was half a bottle of vodka in secret with a shared bottle of wine with my husband in the open. I woke up this morning actually not feeling that bad physically but emotionally tired of this crap.

    I pulled out the ol' campral and will start that again tomorrow. It was "easy" earlier this year when my business was slow. Now business is booming and the stress level is up. I know it will be a lot harder to get back to where I was with the stress but if I can go AF during a stressful time, I should be good, right?

    I was thinking this morning about how great my skin looked earlier this year, how much more energetic I felt, how vibrant and good. I need to focus on those feelings and trying to recapture them.


    Anyway, thought I would make my re-commitment public as an incentive to keep at it.
    Member since January 2008
    AF since August 25, 2008
    Tags: None
    #2
    Been hiding again

    Happy to have you back, Tired! Glad you are getting back on track.........sometimes these back slides happen, they say, it can make you even stronger! You can do this!

    I have a question for you, Is the fact that you are drinking more about fear of success than stress over the extra work because your business is enjoying success?

    Best Wishes!!
    XX Kate
    A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes~Cinderella

    AF 12/6/2007

    Comment

      #3
      Been hiding again

      Thanks Kate. And that's a very good question about success. I want it and then I freak out when things start going well. And I am always afraid it wont' last. It's hard to accept when good things happen and to embrace it.
      Member since January 2008
      AF since August 25, 2008

      Comment

        #4
        Been hiding again

        Hey Tired,
        Yep! I know exactly what you mean. Recently I discoverd an explaination for this in the book A New Earth by Eckart Tolle. He talks about the Pain Body and how we remain addicted to the feelings of loss, failure emptiness etc, until we release it. Any feelings different from what we are used to make us uncomfortable.............very interesting!

        Yes, we must learn to embrace a fullfiled and happy life!
        A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes~Cinderella

        AF 12/6/2007

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          #5
          Been hiding again

          Glad you are back on track. I did kind of the same thing and did it with relationships as well. I had so many abusive people in my life that when someone that was normal came into my life, I would sabotage it. Same thing with my art - I was told by my father I would never amount to anything, so when someone would call me and want to buy my art, I would do something to mess it up. It is a hard cycle to break. You deserve success AF. You are totally right when you say you need to embrace it - you do. We all do. Be strong.
          "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" Buddah:heart:

          Comment

            #6
            Been hiding again

            Hello, Tired!

            Hmmmm, sounds familiar!....We are on the same track. I also had 90+ days and then fell. I also have a business that is booming and the stress is HUGE! I also know I had a few more lessons to learn. And I did. I know now that I must be more diligent so I can learn these lessons without slipping. I need to stay more present with myself.

            It is absolutely amazing how quickly we can talk ourselves into thinking it is OK and then just slip right back into that old suit we thought we threw out. I am still trying to figure out where the hell that comes from. We had 90+ days.. and I for one thought I gave that old suit to Good Will. It was still hiding in my closet. That is a BIG lesson for me. I really need to make sure I clean up for good this time and look in every corner and closet in my personal house.

            What triggered your start again, Tired? For me I know I had some pain issues and surgery and had to take Vicodin. That is a HUGE trigger for me. I know now that if I have anything like this happen again I need to be honest with the doctors. I did this once before, so I should have known, but.. well, I think there was still issues lurking underneath that need further examination.

            I am really glad you posted and have a resolve to re-commit. I am with you, so let's do it together.

            Stay in touch... I am hanging out on the Booze Busters thread for 30 days of sobriety.. come on over, or find a good support thread. I think we both know how important it is to have support after a "BRIEF" stint with AL. PM, if you need anything...

            Namaste, my friend.

            MM
            Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

            Comment

              #7
              Been hiding again

              Afraid of success... yes - that would be me, too. What an amazing concept, isn't it? This one I have know, though. I struggle with life when it is good. That is usually when I try to muddy the waters.

              I read the Power of Now, by Tolle, but haven't read the new one. I think I will order it today..

              MM
              Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them, but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.

              Comment

                #8
                Been hiding again

                A bit of stress doesn't hurt sometimes, my job was always stressful and I drank pretty much every day. Then one day the stress got worse, but for some reason it made me more focussed and I couldn't even think about a drink - I think I went a whole week at one point without one. Glad your business is doing well - that's exciting! I'd be buzzing!!!
                Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. Proverbs 3:6 The Message

                Comment

                  #9
                  Been hiding again

                  Thanks all.

                  I'm not sure there was a trigger, it was more of a steady slide. I started trying to moderate and then one glass of wine was two and it was more than a couple times a week and then it was "hubby will get mad if I buy rum so I'll just keep that to myself." I know the secretive part was key - as soon as I started hiding it I should have realized how far I'd fallen.

                  Part of my thinking this morning was that if these new clients come my way, I can't be tired and sleepy and groggy - I need to be on my best game to make it all happen and how can I do that if I'm drinking?

                  Do any of you ever notice in your daily activities and business people you think might be in the same battle as we are but you can never ask? There is someone I work with on several projects and I've noticed him sluggish sometimes and puffy and eyes kind of watery. He's great at what he does and always produces but I've wondered if he's fighting the same battle. I could never ask.

                  I think I'll order that book - add it to my huge reading pile.

                  Drinking lots of water today to rehydrate and flush some of the poison out.
                  Member since January 2008
                  AF since August 25, 2008

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Been hiding again

                    TOH

                    I know you can get this back. Just go back to exactly what you did to get the 90 days minus the part where you decided to MOD!! Everything else worked for you!! You can learn from this and be better than before with MORE resolve!!

                    Ready to be Totally Of Health!!!

                    Liv
                    AF since Jan. 1, 2008 .... It all began right here


                    Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you made it now.


                    (from the Movie "Once")

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Been hiding again

                      Oh, TOH.
                      We started at the same time, and are now back in the same spot! My story is the same as yours. Did really well for a few months, and now I have slipped back into my old habits. Lots of family stress, and as always, my booming business never makes me excited, always makes me afraid for the OTHER SHOE TO DROP. I think we have much in common my friend! I'm drinking lots of water today, too, and trying to get a few AF under my belt this week. It would be the first in awhile. Sending good thoughts your way.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Been hiding again

                        Dear tired,

                        Sorry to hear you've been hiding again. Just goes to show again that it really doesn't matter how long one is sober, we can still slip and fall. The key is to get back up again, right?

                        I have come to realize that I need to not drink at all. Had a situation weekend before last that proves I cannot control it. I feel I was spared, and given yet another chance. So I'm going AF at least the month of June if not longer. So, I'm right there with ya!:h
                        _______________
                        NF since June 1, 2008
                        AF since September 28, 2008
                        DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                        _____________
                        :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                        5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                        _______________
                        The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Been hiding again

                          Boy - I posted last week all determined - and fell again. We had friends over Saturday night - how could we dine without wine . .. but three bottles for 4 people?

                          I'm focused today and started my South Beach Diet again - it really helps me to get all the carbs out of my system to stop the cravings for alcohol too.

                          I realized last night I drink when I am bored too - I need to find some more things to keep me occupied in the evening free time. Our pool is almost finished so that'll keep us busy and healthy I guess.

                          Thanks for all the support here. It is nice to know there is a place I can go and be accepted and get support.
                          Member since January 2008
                          AF since August 25, 2008

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