Obsession

[Cinders]

I have been reading a lot on MWO lately. Too much, actually, because I have been sick and barely able to work for the most part. I did have some relief yesterday but the pain is back today with a vengeance.

However, I digress. Most of the posts I have been reading carry a common thread. The obsession with alcohol. When we are abstinent, we think about it, when we are drinking, we think about it. The only time it seems we don't think about it is, umm, when? We even dream about it!!!

The long term abstainers tell us this eases with time, which gives me great hope, but then I see those who go a long time and fall back into drinking. This saddens me.

Does it ever really go away or am I going to constantly be fighting this demon in my brain? The Beast, AL, my own desire?

I know there are those who say that if we just accept it, that we just know we can't drink, i.e. Step #1 SURRENDER, that it becomes easier. Does this mean I know I can't drink, but I will always want to drink??

I have great hope that someday I won't be like this anymore. Today is not that day.

Sorry if this is a downer but I think sometimes we need to post about how we feel inside, even if it is not positive.

I would love some good advice about this and how to deal with this. I think anyone out there who can give good words of wisdom to those of us who are constantly dealing with this internal struggle would be greatly appreciated.

Love,
Cindi

[Ripple]

Obsession

Cindi, I have noticed since i gave into myself and going back to abstinence i am so much better. It is known the 1st year to be a bitch! No other words! Truly this is the case and i am sure others will tell you the same. Hang in there, i know it is so hard, been there and still there, not as bad though as time moves on. :l

Edited to add: thats all i thought about the first 7 months was, That Drink! Found out it was hell picking up the pieces and NOT worth trying some. I am finding more things to occupy myself and would be terribly upset utilizing time now drinking. One habit replaces another, i like the new ones, Freedom to go anytime and not be buzzed. I feel so much better about me and my life is becoming in order. You will get better and better and better, trust me. To deal with this is to wait. sorry.

[cedar]

Obsession

hi cindi - i do believe time does heal. and i believe that in time we hopefully will spend less moments questioning our (past) addictions.

All the advertising campaigns that have drilled into us that with alcohol comes happiness and success i believe have a role in this as well. Becuase for the most part those of us who grew up in alcoholic families clearly did not see any happiness as a result of this drug. In fact we know there is minimal (if anything) to gain from AL but everything to loose.

Maybe its switching our thinking ??? believing by not drinking we dont support some ad campaign and DONT make someone else VERY rich ... and ontop of it buggering up our lives and those around us ....

oh gosh is this at all relevant to what you wrote - I have no idea !!! haha

love ced x

[hippie37]

Obsession

Hi Cindi. Sorry to hear your in so much pain. I hope it eases up for you soon.:l

Like you, I've felt this theme running through a few threads recently so I'm glad you've brought it up.

Heard this the other day Cindi....

"I feel like there is a little space or room inside my head where there is something or someone who has made it it's mission in life to stop me from being happy. If it gets out of that room I am basically fucked as it will wreak havoc in my life. I cannot lock the door as I don't have the key so the only thing I can do every day I wake up is make sure I've jammed that bloody door shut!!"

I'm beginning to think that for me the obsession will always be a part of my 'make up'. It's all about how I manage that obsession in my daily life that helps me function as a human being. The obsession with drinking does, as I stated yesterday, get easier with time but I think it will always be there even if only dormant. I'm not stating this as fact either as I know there are a lot of people who can clearly just stop drinking and move on. Unfortunately I'm not one of them!!

Love and Happiness :h
Hippie
xx

[beatle]

Obsession

For me (very obsessive personality), the best way to keep from obsessing is to keep busy all the time.

Cindi, you are not able to work and have more time on your hands than usual now, and that is clearly contributing to your obsessive thinking. I don't know what advice to give you but to stay here and keep posting.

Or maybe you should do something else if the MWO activity is actually making you think more about drinking-- sometimes I find I get more cravings just from being here and reading about other people and their drinking problems.

I'm not sure if you or I will always want to drink. That is a daunting thought. I can't handle it right now. I do know that it has been easier lately for me to overcome urges to drink, but this kind of lull has happened to me many times before, and the cravings have always hit back with an irresistible vengeance.

I have to believe that if I just stick with it, it will get easier, not harder, or it is too overwhelming to contemplate.

[charlee]

Obsession

Cindi
Hope you are feeling better today, a rough start to the month of June!!
IMHO.....I did surrender, I did accept. I do believe this has made this journey easier for me. Do I think about AL?.....everyday......I am not obsessed with the thinking, the thoughts are there but they are more of an annoyance and irritant in my life and are easily dismissed. I am not a long term thinker or planner. I can't think of never having alcohol, way to overwhelming for me!!!..I will never say never, I will always take it ODAT, and I will never make any promises for tomorrow. I am finding just dealing with today works best for me.....All the todays have added up one at a time and I am 7 months AF, what tomorrow brings, I'll deal with tomorrow.....

[greeneyes]

Obsession

The addiction therapist said it takes a year for your brain to "reset". She was an alcoholic among other things. A YEAR! Crap! That is what I said. She said it took you longer than a year to get here. I must make note to self to purchase more BGP.

RJ said some get through this and simply move on. I have great admiration for the long term abbers who sitck around and talk us strugglers through things. I guess they have reached a point that AL is not an issue for them and they can help and it not be an issue. Those people are this sites angels. They are the rocks in the river that we swim to and hold on to. So yes, I think there is a point when you stop obsessing over it. I do not think about nicotine. Or caffiene. I think I can be that way about alcohol. It is just going to be a little harder.

[Cinders]

Obsession

Thank you, everyone.

I truly believe my issue is probably this long term pain getting to me mentally. Making it harder than usual to just brush away the irritating thoughts.

I had to break down this morning and take one of the Vicodins. Luckily, with Antabuse in my system, I won't be able to drink, so I think it will be okay.

Charlee, I feel what you are saying. I really do. I must look at it that way. I do surrender, I cannot drink, I will always want to drink but so what.

Love you guys. Thanks for the input.

Cindi

[Sweet Cheeks]

Obsession

Hi Cindi,

So sorry you were so down. I know exactly where you're coming from. I think we're all been there with these very long journeys which feel as if you're on a permenant rollercoaster. As you know though there's so much help and love from everybody on MWO, it never ceases to inspire me that we can make it through, despite our deepest fears and doubts.

I just keep thinking now of how I feel when I'm AF compared with how I feel when I drink. Without I can function, do my job, not feel ill, be a part of my kids life, excercise and enjoy life. With drink I can't do any of this, it's just something that I do for no apparent gain as I couldn't even remember what I'd watched on TV the night before, let alone anything else.

I'm hoping that being AF until I can beat this addiction will make me a better person to be around and I might like myself better too.

i hope that you find your piece of Karma and will be happy with your life again one day soon.

Take care
Cheeks
xx

[lukalee]

Obsession

Cindi,
I have always white knuckled it, then I cave in. I feel really positive this time around (only day 7) because I have been giving myself something else to focus on each day. For some reason it has been really helping.

[KateH1]

Obsession

Good Morning, Cindi,
First of all, yes, we most definitely should post our honest thoughts, regardless of whether or not we feel those thoughts and feelings might be a downer to some. Many probably share the same thoughts and struggles as we so often see here.

First of all, I am going to hit this one straight up........why did you take a vicodine? That really concerns me. To an alcoholic, vicodine is so dangerous. Please, unless you have severe physical pain, that cannot be managed any other way, do not take any more! I say this because I do care about you so much!

Obsession, I agree that you have been sick and out of your normal routine. I think that this has been wreaking havoc on your thoughts and feelings, a door way to spend time thinking about AL. You have also been away from homes and we know what a trigger that is for you. Do you fly home today? I hope so! When you get home, practice "Extreme Self Care" of Cindi! Take long baths, paint your toes and make everyone else wait on you! And, spend a few hours reading a good book! I have a suggestion, it will make you laugh like hell!!! "I Feel Bad About My Kneck", by Nora Ephron.

Cindi, see how you feel in a couple of days when you are well again. If you continue to obsess, maybe seeing your therapist would help.

Thinking of you!
Love,
XXXXX Kate

[Accountable for Me]

Obsession

Feeling sick and exhausted from chronic pain will bring about obsessive thoughts.

Stay away from the Vicodin. I cannot believe your doctor, or whoever it was, prescribed it to you. Did you let them know you have a problem with alcohol?

These obsessive thoughts do subside. They really do.

I am sure once you are feeling better, you won't be dwelling on it so much.

[hart]

Obsession

((((Cindi))))

I have no words of wisdom, that would be hypocritical of me. Just know I am thinking of you and luv you. I hope you have some relief to your pain soon.:l:l:l:l

[lucky 2.0]

Obsession

I totally believe we have a choice as to how much we want to think about it and how miserable we want to be without it. If you are thinking about it and don't want to, change your thought. It is that easy. Coming to the site all the time may not be good thing if trying to erase it from your mind though.
I listened to Jill Bolte Taylor 4th interview last night on Oprah.com. She explains this better than me. She is not talking about alcohol but about the ability to change the mind in a minute. She also says it takes 90 seconds to let anger disapate. Good stuff!

Anyway, you are in control. Someone said the first year is miserable. It is miserable if that is your choice. You are in control of your thoughts!!!

[Evie.Lou]

Obsession

Vicodine is soooo addictive.....Have you considered seeing a pain specalist?There are other choices.Please do not make a bad stituation worst....AL plus Vicodian can equal Death...Life is so preious,do not throw it away.Reach out for help,there are people who truly care and I am one of them...PM me if I can help>>>LOL>>EVIE