Just needing a bit of a lift here..... perhaps it's the weather as I don't think I am alone so want to say I am thinknig of everyone who's feeling a bit poo, too....
I did the second day of the three Alcohol Awareness Fridays today....and it was ok, but I have let it get me into a place where I just feel down.... It is so strange being in a room full of people who are going on and on about how to drink really hard and laughing about it. And others sitting in utter silence - why? Who knows and yet why shouldn't they if they want to! And no one is talking to each other at all or supporting/sharing/being with anyone else.....In at 9,00, sit down, get talked at, 5 mins for coffee, 15 mins for lunch and out asap at 2.30..... And so odd being told stuff that we have all chewed over for hours and hours here...and seeing and hearing people laugh at it.
And yet, on the other sdie of the coin, it has just dug up all the guilt (and more) about my stupidity for those 12-18 months of drinking..... Family want to hear about it (although they are not pushing me if I don't want to say - and, in a way, I do...but I don't!) and I don't really feel I can say anything without being the biggest black pot calling kettles...... So, I can't speak of it and it is choking me rather.
So, like last week, I wanted to go out and 'be with cheerful people' to sort of change gear....ok, denial maybe but, you know, put it behind me and look forwards again..... But everything has transpired (meant not ot be?) against this and although we started going out at 7.30, it is now 9.30 and am just cooking up chips at home......ther were phone calls, waiting in for people to drop off dogs for sitting, drying daughter's jeans for her to go out while other people got ready to go.....adn this horrible need to 'change gear' aaargh! (Of course I could (am) change gear without getting out of hte house, but it's ok to do something to 'help' if we want to isn't it? (Not drinking, going to look at the coast and boats this was!)
So, chips in, heating on because it is soooooooooooooh ?*%&^% cold! (Flaming June?!?! 12 degrees and 95% humidity = damp!) I came here and am sorry for dumping.....
What on earth possessed me to go where I went with $*&%*$^%*?^ Al? It's disgusting to think I have a Criminal Record for life - I gather today that, on top of never getting to work in certain places because my CRB (Criminal Record Bureau) form will bugger me for life and that'll get worse as beaurocracy worsens, it means I will find it hard to visit many countries in the world - the US only with a visa and a medical for instance...and even then it will depend on which state I want to visit - even on just a holiday. It got to seeming like, even after 18 months of 'winging it' so I don't have to lie but don't have to 'own up to being a piss-head', I might as well.... because I was. But I have so hoped to maintain some idignity and just move through to new pastures and have it drop away.... But tonight, when a friend's b/f said I looked really well, I just couldn't help but think he meant......because he knew back then...I know he did; the family were told how 'amazing I was as I was going to AA' - damn it.... I know it was meant well but.....you can't ever undo these 'revelations'....
Maybe it'll all calm down again after this ?*%&%$?*%^ course is over...just the medical to go through and I can start - or stop - 'lying silently' about why I 'don't' drive....it'll become true that I just can't afford it!
I am intruiged as to how some - although each to their own, of course! - find it good/better/easy to 'tell all' about their drinking story..... I am just toooooooooooooooooooooo damned ashamed. There is nothing in me that is stuffed through being an alcoholic; I just got it badly wrong. There aren't any probelms with drink in my family - I have no excuse.... But not talking about it.....Is it increasing the guilt I wonder?
Thanks for letting me dump - I think I am jsut being paranoid! I'll be ok in the morning!
Love FMS xx
I did the second day of the three Alcohol Awareness Fridays today....and it was ok, but I have let it get me into a place where I just feel down.... It is so strange being in a room full of people who are going on and on about how to drink really hard and laughing about it. And others sitting in utter silence - why? Who knows and yet why shouldn't they if they want to! And no one is talking to each other at all or supporting/sharing/being with anyone else.....In at 9,00, sit down, get talked at, 5 mins for coffee, 15 mins for lunch and out asap at 2.30..... And so odd being told stuff that we have all chewed over for hours and hours here...and seeing and hearing people laugh at it.
And yet, on the other sdie of the coin, it has just dug up all the guilt (and more) about my stupidity for those 12-18 months of drinking..... Family want to hear about it (although they are not pushing me if I don't want to say - and, in a way, I do...but I don't!) and I don't really feel I can say anything without being the biggest black pot calling kettles...... So, I can't speak of it and it is choking me rather.
So, like last week, I wanted to go out and 'be with cheerful people' to sort of change gear....ok, denial maybe but, you know, put it behind me and look forwards again..... But everything has transpired (meant not ot be?) against this and although we started going out at 7.30, it is now 9.30 and am just cooking up chips at home......ther were phone calls, waiting in for people to drop off dogs for sitting, drying daughter's jeans for her to go out while other people got ready to go.....adn this horrible need to 'change gear' aaargh! (Of course I could (am) change gear without getting out of hte house, but it's ok to do something to 'help' if we want to isn't it? (Not drinking, going to look at the coast and boats this was!)
So, chips in, heating on because it is soooooooooooooh ?*%&^% cold! (Flaming June?!?! 12 degrees and 95% humidity = damp!) I came here and am sorry for dumping.....
What on earth possessed me to go where I went with $*&%*$^%*?^ Al? It's disgusting to think I have a Criminal Record for life - I gather today that, on top of never getting to work in certain places because my CRB (Criminal Record Bureau) form will bugger me for life and that'll get worse as beaurocracy worsens, it means I will find it hard to visit many countries in the world - the US only with a visa and a medical for instance...and even then it will depend on which state I want to visit - even on just a holiday. It got to seeming like, even after 18 months of 'winging it' so I don't have to lie but don't have to 'own up to being a piss-head', I might as well.... because I was. But I have so hoped to maintain some idignity and just move through to new pastures and have it drop away.... But tonight, when a friend's b/f said I looked really well, I just couldn't help but think he meant......because he knew back then...I know he did; the family were told how 'amazing I was as I was going to AA' - damn it.... I know it was meant well but.....you can't ever undo these 'revelations'....
Maybe it'll all calm down again after this ?*%&%$?*%^ course is over...just the medical to go through and I can start - or stop - 'lying silently' about why I 'don't' drive....it'll become true that I just can't afford it!
I am intruiged as to how some - although each to their own, of course! - find it good/better/easy to 'tell all' about their drinking story..... I am just toooooooooooooooooooooo damned ashamed. There is nothing in me that is stuffed through being an alcoholic; I just got it badly wrong. There aren't any probelms with drink in my family - I have no excuse.... But not talking about it.....Is it increasing the guilt I wonder?
Thanks for letting me dump - I think I am jsut being paranoid! I'll be ok in the morning!
Love FMS xx
c: :heart:
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