guidance to help a friend

[hog]

Wow...this is a pretty cool place...I just googled and found it....but to the issue....

My girlfriend's husband called me tonight, and I cannot tell you how huge THAT is....he's a very quite, private person and for him to call me....trust me....huge! But that also means big crisis for my friend!

My question is how do I help. I think I know enough to know that only she can make the decision that she's an acoholic. To be honest, I didn't know she was drinking so much (1.5 bottles a night and after reading some of these threads I now know that's not nothin' new!) but I am embarrassed that I didn't realize, I guess not so much realize the consumption, but realize that she was so unhappy? Although it really doesn't matter that I didn't realize...the bottom line is I want to help....any advice ?

[Thankful]

guidance to help a friend

Wow, that's a toughy. I'm glad that you want to help your friend, but unless she wants to quit, there isn't much anybody can do. I know that's probably what you don't want to hear, but it's true. Perhaps, you could tell her about this website and ask her to come check it out. Perhaps she will read something that will "click" for her.

The one thing fellow alcoholics can relate to, is how we could always put on a happy face when we needed to. So many family members and friends have no idea how bad it is for someone really abusing alcohol. So don't feel bad that you didn't know how bad it was. She obviously didn't want you to know. We can be very good at hiding and putting on brave faces.

Just be there for her and actually let her know that you are aware of what's going on. You might get denial at first, but when it sinks in that you really do know what's going on, she might decide to open up a bit more.

Wishing you all the best of luck.

Love, Me
:l

[hog]

guidance to help a friend

Thank you for the reply. Yeah, I kind of figured there's not much I can do. But what about these "interventions"? What kind of success do they have? Because I really think my friend doesn't think she has a problem. Does everyone have to hit a bottom? I like your idea of telling her of the website. I will do that. I think your right - maybe something she reads will click or reach out to her. I will also be there for her when/if she needs me. Thanks again.

[Wattle]

guidance to help a friend

Hi Hog

Honestly, your friend does know she has a problem.... but facing up to that problem and really really admitting to yourself firstly.. only then can she start to heal...

The other aspect I think is worth mentioning to you is that once she does admit to herself and starts to seek out help... she will fall and fail over and over again and this is where you fit in... accept that she is trying ... support that fact... this healing process that we are all going through can take years.. so if you do truly love and care for your friend it is going to be a long road of constant support and reassurance..

I hope you can bring her to this site... tell her to PM Wattle if she wants and I can introduce her to the many of the wonderful people here that we all call our other family.

Best wishes

Wattle

[beatle]

guidance to help a friend

Hi Hog,

There is also a forum on here for Family Members Affected by Drinking-- you might want to check that out (I think it includes close friends!)-- it is probably full of advice on how to deal with the kind of situation you are in.

My personal opinion on interventions is that they should never be used-- it is like committing someone to an asylum. There is no evidence that interventions work long-term, in fact the statistics show that those who take responsibility for their own rehabilitation and recovery have the greatest long-term success, and those that are coerced into rehab have the worst long-term success rates.

[hippie37]

guidance to help a friend

Hi Hog,

It does seem that most people define an alcoholic according to the obvious cliches. Alcoholics come from all walks of life and all ages. There was only a story in the Newspapers the other week of a 14 year old girl who had serious liver problems through her binge drinking and now at the age of 18 is alcoholic. If she drinks again basically she will die. Does your friend hold an opinion of an alcoholic that falls into the cliched category? because if she does she is obviously in denial of her problem as she will think she is 'different' than these people. My alcoholism left me feeling isolated and lonely even though I was in a steady relationship at the time. I always had these feelings of "Nobody understands me". It only pushed people further and further away the more I held this attitdue though.

Some great advice has been already given by beatle and wattle and I suggest too that you try and get your friend to come here and read some of the stories from other's who where 'only' drinking a bottle of wine per night, every night. It's taken me over 10 years to finally admit, to myself, that I have a drinking problem and I've spent the last year trying to get myself sober. It's extremely hard going to overcome an addiction but the life I have now as to what I had 2 years ago is only short of a miracle. It was also my thinking that had to be changed and my perceptions of alcohol too. I found 'stopping' fairly easy to be honest but finding my feet in the world again as a sober person was a whole new ball game.

Anyway Hog. I really hope your friend will take the opportunity to look in here and hopefully gain a bigger perspective of just what alcoholism can do to peoples lives.

I wish you and your friend well.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[hog]

guidance to help a friend

I can't thank all of you enough for your insight, advice and guidance. This IS a very special place and I hope I can get my friend here.

Hippie, your mention of isolating struck a chord. She does tend to do that. She'll be "great" one day and then bail on me the next without even a phone call....looking back I know I made excuses for her (how sad is that?!?!?) like something came up with her kids, yadda, yadda....but now I'm sure at least sometimes she was doing what she did last night ('cause her husband told me) which is holing up in her bedroom with a bottle of wine. I imagine she probably feels very isolated and the truth is I don't understand it. She has a great life - at least that's how it looks, but obviously something is amiss.

Beatle, thanks, I will check out the Family Members thread. I know there are probably alanon groups here in town, too. And thanks for your feelings about intervention. I, too, see them as kind of harsh but I can see why some people would feel so desperate as to resort to it.

Wattle, thank you for your offer for my friend to contact you. If I can get her here, I will tell her of you for sure. You all have been so warm and knid to me, so I think this is a place she could hopefully feel free to be herself, just lay it out and still be accepted.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Hog

[Evie.Lou]

guidance to help a friend

If your friend will just read the posts on here daily I think that she will come to want Soberiety !!!!! You can not get her sober but you can tell her that you love her and it hurts to watch her hurting herself....She does not have to do it alone...We can help...She can PM me if that will help>>>LOL,,,EVIE

[KateH1]

guidance to help a friend

Hi Hog,
You are such a good friend to reach out to find help for your friend. Since you have been reading here, I am sure you can see that there are a ton of reasons why people drink. It is truly a baffling disease.

I have been drinking to one extenent or another for many years. A lot of it was very unhealthy drinking. A couple of years ago, my friend of nearly 30 years came by one afternoon. Quite quickly, she came right to the point and told me that she was very concerned about my drinking and what it was doing to me. She told me that hearing my "drunk" voice on the phone, broke her heart. That going out to dinner and watching me drink 3 glasses of wine and change personality hurt her. She told me that she hurt for me. This conversation lasted about an hour. I offered no excuses for my drinking. I appologized for my drinking causing her such discomfort, pain and concern. To this day, I think that, that conversation, was the catalyst that made me start to seriously think about my drinking and that I needed to get both it and myself under control. It was the beginning of learning to live as a non-drinker. Geez......I know that conversation was very hard for her.....so hard!

I found this site last fall, it has been amazing. I have read the book, many times!! I have, and still do work this program and soon I will celebrate six months as a non-drinker!! Life is soooo good!

My point is, you don't have to have the solutions, or all the answers for your friend. A good, kind and honest converstaion might be just the thing to motivate her to turn this around!!

Best Wishes to All of You!
xxKate

[FloridaBoy]

guidance to help a friend

Hi Hog,

Your friend just may not want to admit that she cannot consume AL like 'normal' people. I knew it for a long time but chose to ignore the fact that I have no AL off switch. There is also tacit social pressure to drink. Are you close enough to her to talk about it?

[Mags]

guidance to help a friend

Welcome to MWO Hog

This is a difficult situation. The best thing you can do for your friend is try to have an honest and loving conversation with her. You obviously can't make anyone stop drinking until they're ready to do it inside themselves, but you can show lots of caring and understanding.

One reason we all hide our drinking is because society portrays alcoholics as such evil and nasty people - such weak souls. So that's how we end up seeing ourselves. And frankly the shame makes us drink more. In reality we are good honest caring people with a terrible disease that we need help with. We all want to get better. We all hate it. So often we don't know where to turn for help.

Make sure your friend knows you know she didn't do anything wrong and has nothing to be ashamed of. But it is a life threatening disease and she needs to find help. Tell her you will love and support her through the long (and it is long with lots of failures along the way) process of recovery.

Then I would give her this website and tell her to start out just coming on here and just reading. Just spend some time reading. Hopefully what she reads her will start to turn her around a little.

Good luck. You a truly a good friend.

[Cinders]

guidance to help a friend

Hog,

There is great advice here.

I am grateful for your friend having such a loving husband and friend.

She may be very resistant to discussing it with you and/or her husband. I know I was. However, the thought can be planted.

One thing to remember is that most of us alcoholics feel very guilty about our drinking. With that guilt comes some very defensive behavior. Don't press too hard, just mention that you found this great website and she might want to look at it. Then let her decide.

I am sending prayers and good wishes for her, her family and yourself.

Love,
Cindi

[nancy]

guidance to help a friend

Hi there

You got some good advice already on your problem.

I agree that she knows she has a problem but doesn't want to admit it to others due to shame. This denial thing is often a myth because problem drinkers really know themselves what is going on, they just try to hide it from others as much as possible and they don't want to face the inevitable of abstinence because it is so difficult to achieve. And in truth, there is so much drinking in society that it can be hidden.

What can you do? Well I personally really don't like the tough love or intervention approach. I think that does more harm than good.

What Kate said is interesting. But I also feel, well it's the alcoholic who is in pain and I think it imposes a lot of guilt on someone to tell them that their drinking is causing you pain. Maybe it led Kate to sobriety, but for me it would lead me to distance myself from the person who said they were in pain. You also don't want to do anything that will lead her to tell her husband not to tell you anything more.

My advice is to be a sounding board but not to have any expectations that you can cure her. It's not about you, it's about her. What a wonderful thing it is to have someone who knows you like you really are and still cares!

She seems like she has a great life but she is in a lot of pain. The more people she can open up to about it the better. And if I were you, I would send her a link to this website.

cindy is right, thoughts can be planted!

[57Shelby]

guidance to help a friend

Hog, maybe you could purchase the book available on this site. (You can download it) If you are going to talk to her, leave the book with her to read on her own time. The book was so powerful to me, as it was from a person faced with the same issues, and all the comes with it. She may not read the book for a week, six months or a year, but you will know you have left her with a powerful tool that may speak volumes to her.

[57Shelby]

guidance to help a friend

Hog, Don't feel badly about not seeing or knowing how badly your friend was doing. I knew my friend was alcoholic. She had gone to AA and been sober for 3 yrs. Then, she started drinking again. I was worried about her, but I had my drinking buddy back. I didn't hear from her for awhile and then all of a sudden she sent me an email telling me she had been in the hospital. She had tried to commit suicide. So, yes we are masters of covering up the truth. She was so tired of fighting the fight, she just wanted to give up. We can't know what is going on inside for our friends and now that you know she is deep in trouble, you can only be there to support her. It will be a long journey.