Failure - again...

[SpiritGirl]

I cannot get over how low I feel today. I keep crying. Honestly I feel like since I joined MWO, I feel even worse when I slip because I feel more ashamed. I feel compelled to share because thats what we do here. However, by doing so I am embarassed by being in the company of so many successfully AF people. I can't seem to do it. As hard as I try I keep failing. Over and over again. I feel like a failure. I have only had a few, but Day 1 again. Every time I post that it simply is a remeinder that I failed again.

As tempted as I am, I don't want to quit coming here because the support here is the only thing holding me accountable. I am at a loss.

[lukalee]

Failure - again...

You stated "Every time I post that it simply is a remeinder that I failed again."
Why don't you try to post when you are feeling good or postiive?
Negative feelings (posts) beget more negativity, while postive posts create postive feelings.
I can only speak for myself, but my thoughts and feelings really create the atmosphere for me to either drink way too much or not at all.
After I drank a few times in May, I said to myself, "Screw it, I already f@cked up, I might as well continue." Those types of thoughts do not have any purpose whatsoever. I see this now, and you should see it too. Do whatever it takes to keep the postive thoughts. Be proud of your accomplishments when you have them, come on here and share, we will all give you kudos, and the positive cycle will begin.

[brittzak]

Failure - again...

Spirit, there are MANY people here that struggle and have been struggling a long time. Coming here and sharing ...you should not feel ashamed. It is a sign that you are still trying. It is when you stop trying that you need to be worried. There are successful stories here, but there are MANY just like you. You are not alone. Please stay with us.

[YoungAtHeart]

Failure - again...

Spiritgirl, you are being way too hard on yourself. I don't know many people who made up their minds to quit and just did it. Most people slip a number of times before they become successful, and sometimes people slip after a long period of sobriety. To consider yourself a failure at this point is a very self-defeating attitude.

I hope you can be kinder to yourself, and try not to feel so ashamed. Shame is a big reason why some of us drink, and I'd hate to see it driving you back to the bottle. Please take this for the learning experience that it is, and keep trying.

Good luck!

PS: I was here for 2 1/2 years before I got sober!

[SpiritGirl]

Failure - again...

Luckalee, Actually when I am feeling strong and positive is when I post the most. I write about how "fresh" I feel and how excited I feel about having another AF day. I know that this "problem" I am having is me and certainly not anything else. I keep having all kinds of problems due to AL. The current one is simply that the more AF days I have the worse I feel when I slip. And hopefully I will get to the point that the "slips" just aren't worth it anymore. God willing.

I coach kids for a living. And I started a Special Needs team. Yesterday was our first practice. I was apprehensive because I have never coached handicapped children before. It was exhilirating. It felt so natural. We have a little girl with Downs that was so smiley and affectionate that it simply warmed my heart. I felt proud. THEN - I blow it. I go out to dinner, I have a glass of wine and then spend a night overindulging. I went from feeling rewarded and proud straight back to the pit of shame and weakness.

I am truly sorry for being such a downer. This will pass. It always does - until the next time...

[SpiritGirl]

Failure - again...

Young at Heart,

Thank you for your post. Your sobreity is inspiring. I just hope it doesn't take me 2 1/2 yrs. I know it's better than never stopping. I just don't know if I can emotionally stand it. How long have you been AF??

Thanks again

[CS04]

Failure - again...

SpiritGirl,
I have been on this site since Dec. 2005 (although the Join Date says July 2006, they redesigned the whole site in Jul 06 so everyone "rejoined) and I am still struggling. Last month I felt like I was on my way to success, but I still felt like I fell down, so now I am trying harder. So I am sharing more with more threads, as well as with my husband and mom (BIG confession there; got loads of AL problems with my family). I am hoping that these tactics will make my struggle easier. Think about what might make it easier for your own struggle. If you want to brainstorm, I am all ears.

[beatle]

Failure - again...

You should never feel ashamed to come here. And it should not be a reminder that you failed, but a reminder that you haven't given up and that there are many people who have been through what you are going through and they want to help you.

I have been here for a year, and a large portion of my posts have been during my "failures", when I needed (and received) the support and compassion of the people here-- people who not only understood how I felt, but could offer advice and encouragement.

All of the success stories started with failures. All the loving support is offered because everyone knows what you are going through and wants to help.

At some point you will be one of the positive, upbeat people giving support to others who have slipped and feel like they are failures.

So just keep trying. You will not fail if you keep on trying.

[lukalee]

Failure - again...

That is so awesome you are coaching these kids. I "think" I understand a little better what you are going through. You may think to yourself, "How could I have done this, I am so blessed with having these children in my life and a skill to be able to reach out and touch their lives, but I screw up my own by drinking AL."
You sound like such a loving, giving, and patient human being to all those around you. Please do the same thing for yourself. Al does not discriminate; he attacks the best of people. Do not be ashamed or embarrased.

[Guest]

Failure - again...

Ah! Spirit ,you and I are in the same boat today .I was doing well for a few weeks and then last night I got hammered!!!Im going to try aa this week as I truely dont want to be still droning on about my boozeing this time next year. I want to get addicted to excercise and good health and I want to stimulate myself as much as I can by reading and learing!! I also dont want to continue been such an appalling example to my kids in regards to alcohol abuse.

[louise]

Failure - again...

I see that you are having some AF days. Are they more than when you came here? Can you have a goal to have more AF days this week than last? Or more in control days than last? That is progress. We need to give ourselves credit for positive changes of any kind, even if it is "drank 1 6 pack instead of 2".

[greeneyes]

Failure - again...

I had a team of special ed kids (my class) and we were hilarious in the whateverer day it was. I don't think we won any races but Lord, you should have seen me in the bag race with them. We most certainly got the most applause. It is the spirit that counts and I can see it in you. Put on your BGP and run with me. :l

[brittzak]

Failure - again...

You are right, when you are trying so hard and fall, the scraps do hurt worse and we all beat ourselves up, but get back up and start over. You have a very rewarding career. That is something to be VERY proud of. You didn't RUIN the day.....you did a good job and have that to keep you going, so dust off anfd get back in the race.

[Spanky]

Failure - again...

this thread is "all about" what this site means. We all fall short or have. I feel so much like SpiritGirl as I haven't gone totally AF even after finding all of you. Someone on a post last week stated "beating yourself up is an attitude that will lead back to alchohol." Thanks to whoever posted it. I remind myself of that all the time and want to pass it on.

[SpiritGirl]

Failure - again...

Thank you to everyone. I wish I had the time to write individually to the advice that was given to me on this thread that has helped me back on my feet again. Lukalee, what you assessed is exactly right - I have blessings that I don't feel worthy of. Even as I read the replies to me on this thread I felt unworthy of the kind words and support. However - I am going to try not to let myself stay in that place. The support you all have given me is overwhelming. Louise, yes - I think your suggestion is exactly where I need to be - I need to attempt at getting closer each day, and progress each week as opposed to expecting to be AF overnight. Thats is an unrealistic goal for me right now and I keep letting myself down my setting that type of goal right now. Baby steps. Limers, we are very much alike ( as I keep finding myself to so many people here! ) I have a 12 an 14 yr old that I do not want to keep setting bad examples for. I want to be someone that makes them proud and prioritizes their needs above my own. CS04 - thank you for the brainstorming tactics. I do think continuing to visit different threads and making connections here will continue to help me. Beatle - your post brought me to tears - I could only hope to one day be a success story and give back to the people here at MWO. I will keep striving to be that. Greeneyes - I am jumping in the bag!! Will keep crawling back in if I fall out. Thank you to everyone. My cup overfloweth..