Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

[Hundi]

Hi all

Firstly I so want a drink right now but am eating instead.

To cut a long saga short - I desperately need help!!

My husband of 7.5 years (partner of almost 10) wants out due to my anger and obnoxious irresponsible behaviour when I drink. I had a breakdown last year and am not really getting anywhere. I have not worked in nearly a year which is an additional pressure and means I have lost the freedom to have my own money and contribute. I feel I am getting worse and more depressed (the thought of the morning makes me cringe - groundhog day like) and a potential danger to be around quite frankly. The only time I have the courage to say what I think to him is after a few large glasses of wine, which also quells my anxiety. He has every right to be upset and at the end of his tether.

The flip side is that he has become very verbally and emotionally abusive, calling me waste of space and a peace of shit and blames me singlehandedly for the destruction of our family, he has even left large bruising from grabbing me. Logically I know it takes two to tango but my guilt and feeling so helpless overides that. He has simplistic ideas about how to deal with all this i.e. move on and just do it and harps on that I have a choice. I did no choose this for myself - a multitude of factors brought me here. It's not the same choice as choosing a style of handbag. I have always been the support for all and sundry and worked in child protection frontline for many years, so am very tired.

He is away (I was not welcome) and was due back today. I cooked cleaned and made up fresh beds etc like I haven't done in months but no show from him - he is staying another nite but didn't plan on telling me.

In essence - I am very upset at myself for having done and said (that which I can remember at times) as he is essentially a good man who is very frustrated. I plan to af but that is damn hard when you are reeling. But I have every incentive.

Please anyone with some pearls of wisdom that I present to him tomorrow, so he will give me another chance? He is a straight shooter so lots of verbage just makes him mad as he thinks I am excusing the behaviour - on the other had he needs to understand the hellhole I am in too.

(This was hard for me type btw, extremely hard)

Love Hundi and thanks :h

[beatle]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Well, this is truly a sad and difficult situation-- and certainly similar to what many of us have been through. I won't pretend to know the answer, or even what to do.

I would just offer the idea that you could try to tell him something about how you know how difficult this has been for him and your family and you are determined to put a stop to it. Say you realize that actions speak louder than words (Chief's advice to me a few months back) and you are determined to show him you mean it.

But also tell him that you are seeking help and advice and you know that for most people this is an extremely difficult addiction to conquer and almost everyone suffers multiple setbacks along the way to recovery. Tell him you are in it for the long haul and you are actively taking steps to rid yourself of this affliction and you want and need his help and support, and together you are sure you can do it.

I don't know if that helps, but from my experience, actions do speak louder than words, and if you show you are really trying, it might be easier for him to accept you and understand where you are coming from.

I'm sure others will come along with better advice than this.

Please let us know how it goes.

p.s. There is no excuse for physical abuse, NO EXCUSE. Don't let him convince you otherwise. Verbal abuse can be just as bad, and you should not let him make you feel bad, though there you have to figure out where the limits are and how to deal with it if it continues.

[jessie]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hi Hundi,
If you are serious about beating the beast I suggest that you go on Antabuse. Many of the success stories started with the help of Antabuse and that will also indicate to your hubby that you are serious about stopping. And only you can make that decision:- are you really serious about wanting to stop. I pray you are, before you lose everything, including your family. I don't know what steps you have taken already but a first step should be 1.) Admit to yourself you have a problem.2) Make appointment with your doctor, go to rehab if you can, if not, detox with your doctor's help, get over the first days with the help of Antabuse and supplements, keep posting and reading posts.
You can do it.
I am thinking of you.
Jessie

[brittzak]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hundi,
I too am a mean drunk! I become the complete opposite of who I am sober. You need to take action. AND only you can do it. I think Jessie's advice is very good. Make some steps and perhaps he will see you are trying. BUT, most importantly, do it for you.

[hart]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hon, have you checked into getting Disability? Not for the drinking, but for the emotional stuff that is causing you not to be able to work? Also, I don't care how obnoxious you are when drunk, that is no excuse for someone to leave bruises on you, nor call you those horrible names. That's abuse, and under no circumstances should you have to endure that. I don't like the sound of your situation. Please get counseling asap. I care. :l:l

[greeneyes]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hundi.... my heart goes out to you. Right now I'm sorry cannot offer anything. My hubby came home in wee hours and he had gone to dinner to a family's house and he didn't call me to go even though I was invited (but I didn't know) because he didn't want to be around me. Ouch. Then he tells me how wonderful it was. I just kept quiet. My pearl is that I am going to Lenair and am paying for it myself and when I get back his arse better be sorted out. This may not be helpful for you, but that's the page I am on. I do wish you the best. It's just not right to feel like you have to grovel in a relationship in which two are doing the tango.

I have recently become right outspoken, haven't I?

[KateH1]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hundi, First of all, Abuse is Abuse. I agree with Hart on this one. No one deserves abuse under any circumstances. With that being said, your drinking is one issue. Yes, you need to seek help for this, rehab maybe? But drinking will not help matters, period.

Making beds, cooking etc. is all good, but, it is like putting a bandaid on a dike! Yes, I know, baby steps, but at the same time, there are multiple issues here. I also agree about counseling. At the same time, do not expect huge changes in your relationship overnight because you are making small steps and talking about resloving your drinking. Unfortunately, it takes time after we stop drinking for others to begin to trust us again. That is just the way it is.

Hundi, since you are by yourself today, why not check into some resources for your drinking problems? It will be the most positive step for you. Then you can begin to work on the marriage. But, in the meantime, do not allow him to abuse you.

Take Care and continue reaching out, here, as well

XX Kate

[Cinders]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hundi,

I agree with Kate and Hart wholeheartedly!!

I, too, have put my husband through hell with my drinking. Never once did he abuse me. He was plenty angry at times and I am sure would have loved to grab me or yell at me or call me names. Never did. Not once.

Unfortunately, while you are drinking, you are vulnerable. Vulnerable because you let your guilt for your problem make allowances for his.

Get into rehab if you can. Close your eyes to your marriage problems right now and take care of you. Step #1.

If you try to quit drinking just to save the marriage, I can almost guarantee you will fail.

Good luck, Hundi and prayers for strength for you.

Love,
Cindi

[Accountable for Me]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

:l Hundi

Depression, low self esteem and drinking don't mix. I know this, and I am sure many others do to.

I was quite 'aggressive' towards the end of my drinking career. I turned into this 'defensive', angry person, who was kind of locked in the realm of H*ll, and didn't know how to get out. At the time my husband was a huge drinker too. So, things got very ugly a lot of the time.

The first thing I did, after finding this place was go to my doctor. I came clean with him and said I had a problem with alcohol. He put me on medication to help me with the depression and asked me to 'promise' him that I wouldn't drink anymore. For some reason, just him caring enough, really helped me get on the right track.

It was hard ridding the alcohol out of my life. I had a couple of slips along the way. But mostly, I have had AF days in the last 18 months. It still gets tough from time to time, but ultimately, my life is a million times better without it.

My late husband quit drinking for a couple of weeks. He continued to drink, but I did not. (a whole different story, and I won't get into it here).

I am now going to see a community psychologist starting on the 10th of this month to help me with my low self esteem issues. I have to say though, a lot of my depression went away once I rid alcohol out of my life. It took a while, and I had a lot of help from my doctor.

Work on you. Can you go and see your doctor? Sometimes we need the extra help of an outside source. I certainly did. My life is getting back on track, and each and every day; with a ton of work, it is getting better.

Sending you strength. You can do this. You are worthy of a happy and healthy life. Don't let alcohol take anymore of you.

[lucky 2.0]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hundi,

I don't have pearls of wisdom but did want to post in support of you and the struggle. Is antabuse an option as was previously suggested? It has done wonders for many.

I wish for you all the love, peace, and happiness life can offer.

xoxo

[FallenAngel]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hundi;342782 wrote: Please anyone with some pearls of wisdom that I present to him tomorrow, so he will give me another chance?

Many times the answers we seek are simple & readily available.

Acknowledge your mistakes from the past... and decide at this very moment that you will change. We cannot change the past...but we can learn from it.
From this moment forward, strive to be the person you want to be..... the person you know you can be. All we have is this present moment.... use it wisely.... use it in a positive way.
Your actions, more than your words will start mending the hurt.

[Hundi]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Thank you all so much (I feel a little silly but grateful). I just got out of a depression retreat and fared well until reality reared it's ugly head - they said that happens to some people - you come out running and fall on your face. I mods all weekend (no hangovers) and AF last nite, despite my desperation. Am back on the sups, already look and feel better and have plenty of resolve. I also did some helpful reading ad sorted out a maneagable routine for myself that initially revolves around nutrition and exercise.

Again thank you and swallow the original post - a bit cringy for me.

Love Hundi x

[cedar]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hi Hundi - I know you have got a lot of good thoughts from people already - and I know in your heart you know a lot of the anger and arguments would disappear when you stop drinking. I know for myself ALCOHOL=ARGUMENTS big time.

Maybe try writing down what you want to say to your husband instead of having to have a few glasses of wine before trying to talk. Often easier when you can think through your thoughts carefully and logically.

Once you can see your situation without alcohol you will have a MUCH stronger foundation to stand on and access how your husband treats you. I know my partner gets so upset, frustrated annoyed etc when I am not happy and following my dreams and does not quite know how to say all that without upsetting me (or causing a HUGE ridiculous fight when I am not so secretly pissed).

I don't expect to make amends for my mistakes in a day. I expect to prove over time that I am MORE than what he knows I can be. I am doing that for myself first and then our daughter and him.

But you are in the right place here and going to succeed... and have so many fabulous people to support you here while you are starting your journey

love ced
x

[retteacher]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

Hundi: I second what everyone has said. I'm in a very long-time marriage, & we've both gotten frustrated w/each other at various times over various issues. I do best in my relationship when:
-I don't drink regardless of what is going down.
-I concentrate on myself & my own improvement.
-I don't muck around in his stuff.
-I do what's right for me & let him do the same.
-I go to Alanon meetings in order to keep myself on track w/my own life (i.e. keep the focus on myself & my own self-improvement).

I think you get the idea. It's not easy. It's so much easier for me to see my husb as the source of most of our issues, but marriage is mostly in 50/50 deal I think.

Anyhow, I don't know if these are "pearls," but they are the best I can muster. Good luck. Mary

[Ripple]

Relationship advice please - this is bad and lengthy

god damn Hundi...no wonder we relate so well in chat. Your story sounds so much like mine. I stopped drinking for awhile and slipped a few and he is still a rotten egg. It is NOT always us who is the bad person...we are nasty when using because they harm us emotionally...:upset: