Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

[Kimberley]

Please do not read this if you are really struggling wth your sobriety. This post is only intended for abstainers or successful moderators, who can maybe identify with my thoughts, but will not take them as an impetus to drink.

Here goes for my weirdness...

I am staying sober for a year at least and will do that no matter what I feel like about it, so this is more a question of observing my feelings and trying to understand them than acting on them - i will not do that.

But does anyone who is now abstinent sometimes long for the 'bad old days'? I don't mean missing the times when you could have a few beers and chill out with friends or romanticising over times when you got drunk and did stupid but funny things. Of course I miss those, but I guess everyone one does.

No, this is the weird thing I miss: Sometimes, unbelievably maybe to some, I miss the days when I was downing bottles of vodka and lying in bed all day. Is that weird? Do I like being out of control? I miss wandering round the house in a daze, laughing and talking to myself, being imaginative. I miss the mad, bad, dangerous me a bit. I miss the naughtiness. I just pure and simple miss downing a bottle of vodka.

I have a few theories but no explanation for this. One thing I definitely liked about being an alky was having my own little 'secret' world, almost. I also liked the fact that I had a solution in the form of a bottle. I know it causes problems too, and boy have I been there, but a few shots was a medicine for me that I now can't have.

I miss the fact that I can never be at the top or the bottom of the world now. I can never be in screaming ecstasy or agony. Although I have gained everyday freedom by stopping drinking, sometimes I felt so much freedom too just sailing along half-drunk in the world.

Is it only that all these things were so habitual that now my life feels odd without them? It doesn't feel like that to me, but then why do I feel like this -anyone else been here? What did you do? I am not drinking, no matter what I feel, because I can't, but I'm so curious about what's going on with me. I am well aware that al of the above makes me sound like some kind of psycho :H

[Evie.Lou]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

I can relate....just 1 gallon of Jack Daniels....Sweet nothingness,I would be there....NO WORRIES...NO PAIN....I could sure enjoy that right now.....Tomorrow would be a real Bitch,but TODAY.....Sweet nothingness......

[KateH1]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

Hi Kimberly, First of all good going on your 35 days without drinking, you are off to a good start! But, you are still very new to sobriety.....your body and your mind are just beginning to get healthy. I clearly remember having similar thoughts to yours in "the early days", 30-90 days in particular. I had a lot of thoughts about just "blitzing out". The fantasy of drinking and what it had to offer. But, I realized that it was not sweet nothingness, and creative extacy, it was really hell on earth. It was a form of self induced insanity, followed by severe depression and feeling terribly ill. Not a place I truly want to go!

This week, I will reach 6 months as a non-drinker. I have noticed that over the past two months, the urges are less frequent, in fact quite infrequent. I am learning to work though uncomfortable emotions and feelings, without a crutch. I am learning to sometimes, "just be", and be content just being. I am also learning that I love my life without alcohol and all that comes with it. I am feeling healthy and creative in so many new and exciting ways. I honestly feel that my life is just beginning after over 20 years of sinking into the abyss of problem drinking!

Best Wishes,
KateH

[Kimberley]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

Thanks guys, good to know I'm not the only one, and that it may pass after a time. Congrats on your 6 months btw Kate - good going.

I know all the stuff about how awful the afterwards can be. At my worst I've had days of not sleeping, horrifying hallucinations and being unable to walk through dizziness.

But there's still a part of me that loves the insanity, not even the good times as such like just blocking stuff out, but actually the sheer madness of it. Guess my brain needs a lot of repairing! Ooh er what have I done to it??!!

[Guest]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

I always try to think of the alcohol commercials; everyone is gorgeous, having fun, wearing beautiful clothing and laughing, it's so Hollywood. What they don't show you is the aftermath of the whole event; the vomitting, sweats, fights, bed spins, blackout's, unwanted sexual activity (in any form), possible arrests, losing friendships, hurting family members, the side effects to your appearance and damage internally, loss of revenue, death..it goes on an on. We all know it.

There are those moments when things get really stressful that I just want to be comfortably numb, but I know the path that will set in motion. And I am not willing to go back there again.

Congrats to you on staying sober, you deserve to be happy.

Kate - Big hugs to you as well, 6 months. You must be really proud of yourself and the willpower and resolve you have to do what you have done.

[Kimberley]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

Dolph -you are my doppelganger in thought!! Hehe. Well done on your 3 weeks so far too -that's ace. Guess we'll have to get a couple of quad bikes and paintball gear and go round grafittiing the UK on a mad, bad caffeine rush or something listening to Guns n Roses. I feel DANGEROUS!!! Hahahahaha!

[Kimberley]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

Gia;348084 wrote: I always try to think of the alcohol commercials; everyone is gorgeous, having fun, wearing beautiful clothing and laughing, it's so Hollywood. What they don't show you is the aftermath of the whole event; the vomitting, sweats, fights, bed spins, blackout's, unwanted sexual activity (in any form), possible arrests, losing friendships, hurting family members, the side effects to your appearance and damage internally, loss of revenue, death..it goes on an on. We all know it.

There are those moments when things get really stressful that I just want to be comfortably numb, but I know the path that will set in motion. And I am not willing to go back there again.

Congrats to you on staying sober, you deserve to be happy.

Kate - Big hugs to you as well, 6 months. You must be really proud of yourself and the willpower and resolve you have to do what you have done.

The ads don't show the beer belly or broken veins either -yuk, they're still staying with me, plus all the scars etc. But not getting any new ones. Good for you on recognising 'that path' and steering well clear. So many times I just thought it'd lead a different way for once, as if! What can I say, I learn real slowly, but I do learn eventually

[Guest]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

Kimberley;348087 wrote: The ads don't show the beer belly or broken veins either -yuk, they're still staying with me, plus all the scars etc. But not getting any new ones. Good for you on recognising 'that path' and steering well clear. So many times I just thought it'd lead a different way for once, as if! What can I say, I learn real slowly, but I do learn eventually

I don't learn as quick as I would like to either.. I hear you on that one. I still struggle, everyday.

[KateH1]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

One of the "Keys" for me to become satisfied, content and incredibly happy with my new life of sobriety was the moment that I realized that I had to learn to live from the inside out, instead of the outside in. By this I mean, not looking for a "High". Thrills and danger and all that drama that comes with the addiction. As long as we need a "Rush", we will battle the addiction. Stopping the drink is only the first step if we truly want to live a sober and happy life. The real work and, I believe success comes, when we truly change the way that we live and think! I am still a work in progress, but, finally, I believe that I have found My Way to Continue On!

[Sam Handwich]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

Me, too ... I know that feeling well. I'm a pretty low-key person and I usually let everyone else do the talking, but with a half bottle of vodka in me and several beers and I was the life of the party ... problem was that I never remembered most of the night.

I'm on day 10 AF and through these ten days I have done a lot of lucid thinking and sorting of values. The conclusion I came to about that comfortably numb state that I was/am addicted to is that it is nothing more than the Illusion of fun, and I don't want to get my kicks from an illusion anymore. I want my kicks and fun to come from reality, and experience it as I really am sober.

What a trip, huh? Gotta keep moving forward - the new energy level is amazing and came on a lot more quickly than I thought it would. Wow.

Best to all, and happy Monday!

Sam

[KateH1]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

Oh! Dolphin, we are on the same page with this one! Healthy High's are fabulous! We all get these highs in difference ways (actually...love the tea pot idea!!) My point is to live a balanced life, not in "Need" of the constant High or Numbing, but rather enjoy life in comparisson to the ocean, low tide, high tide, magnificant waves and calm seas!!!

XXX Kate

[Guest]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

I'm that way with things as well.. I am addicted to nice linens; good quality, beautiful stitching, vintage.. I love them. I have way to many for the amount of furniture I have.

[Breez]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

I'd miss the sneakiness~believe it or not! How I would have done things differently & not get caught. Stupidity or the devilish side of me!

[brittzak]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

I never really thought about this, but i collect several things. AND when I decide to collect something I buy, buy, buy until my collection is very large. I dont span the collection out over years, I want it all right now.

[Kimberley]

Do not read this if you've got the weebles: Does anyone still wanna be bad?

Breez, yeah I hear that one as well. I also miss the sneaky secret bit, although often it was so much work! This makes me sound horrible, but I even miss the control I had over my partners. Like when I'd run out of spirits, but was too ill to get to the shops. I'd get angry, desperate pleading with my other half to go get me some more. He really didn't want to, but the fact that he did it over and over again made me feel powerful - even though, looking at it from a different way, obviously I wasn't, or I wouldn't have been needing it and screaming out for it in the first place!

I'm finding it hard to cope with the fact that I can't make myself enthusiastic about just about anything like I used to. I used to make going to the supermarket or anything like that just so much fun cos I wouldn't care and I'd just have laugh. I can only do this now if I'm in the right mood. Of course I am not forgetting about all the times when I made myself too sick to be able to even go to the supermarket!

I don't know if there is an answer to all this, and part of me feels that because I still like alcohol so much (for occasions that most everyone else would think of as unsuitable), then I will NEVER be able to drink again normally. I don't know what to do to replace it