A disasterous lunch with my life partner who's boss was also present, ended up being humiliating and hurtful. I'd jokingly said that I should submit a letter to the local magazine where my other half hosts a advisory page on mechanics and DIY as it takes a disaster to occur before I get any help. It was said with no malice and only jokingly because the boss owns the said mag. Before you could say hey~presto I was inundated with a verbal backlash that immediately froze the spontaneous mood and left an embarrassing hush over the table. Prior to this I was nudged under the table, like a child being discreetly corrected whilst discussing a future photography/filming project involving me. We all ate up and went our own way. I might add I was very much sober and had my 'working' hat on. We had been having lunch at a shop/restaurant that is the agent for my art work in coffee wood because the boss was picking up and paying for a consignment I had designed and finished for her.
I'm usually a toughy but I felt incredibly upset so after finishing things with my agent I left. Driving home I detoured parking outside a friends pub, but luckily common sense won over me and I pulled out without even getting out of the car.
Writing here is not me being pathetic or self centered. Its an accumulation of humiliation and the frustration that accompanies a long standing feeling that I'm used by my other half and that its long over due for me to pack my bags, get the hell out of here and become the spark I used to be. Not so easy. My father and his wife come out here on safari soon, my workshop and office are based at home and our domestic ties mean I need to slowly make a plan. I also don't want to lose someone who in many ways has been my very closest friend. I don't want to lose the good parts of our relationship but I'm just going to end up ill if I keep bottling up this situation, where I'm shown affection behind closed doors whilst often treated like a child and humiliated in public or simply ignored. My spirit wants free.
An incident last week with one of my closest friend in Kenya, my homeland, has only cemented the vast hole I'm feeling inside. I called to say that I would not be able to holiday with her and her daughter (my God daughter) before they emigrate to Australia because of financial commitments with my own company and a work load I cannot ignore if I want the last 3 years work to flourish. I am at a critical time with my work. She got quite nasty and said that I should get the money from my rich father and then implied I was drunk by saying we had been on the phone for nearly an hour and she wouldn't chat about it any more. We had been on the phone for 10 minutes, I was not drunk and I had tried to get the point over that whilst I couldn't afford the coast holiday I WOULD visit them in Nairobi. I was gob smacked when she hung up.
I need to go back to Kenya to take my mother's ashes to her birthplace in the Aberdare Mountains, as asked. But I'll delay the trip for now. My partner tells friends how 'WE' are doing the trip together, because of the prestige attached to my family's history, yet I got Zero help during my mothers illness and stay here. My partner was based away at the time, which I have no problem with whatsoever. It was necessary because of work. But the occasional trip home with even less moral support than I got over the telephone! Granted my mother had ostracized a lot of people for reason I have no intention of going into now, but why the bragging about a trip now to the Aberdares and, and, and.....
I'll go home with the ashes in my own time, quietly alone. I may wait till my sister visits for New Year, but traditionally my mother's ashes should be scattered before a year has gone by (7th Dec).
Believe me this is NOT A TRIP DOWN SELF PITY ALLY. I know there are many members here facing far more difficult issues. Its just the accumulation of nasty incidences that I have no control, in which my alcoholism is the tool flung at me when I don't DO JUST WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT.
I could go on with incidences but I've bored you guys enough, but at least I've vented my frustrations and settled for a Fanta and kept away from the plonk. Excuse my ranting.:upset:
I'm usually a toughy but I felt incredibly upset so after finishing things with my agent I left. Driving home I detoured parking outside a friends pub, but luckily common sense won over me and I pulled out without even getting out of the car.
Writing here is not me being pathetic or self centered. Its an accumulation of humiliation and the frustration that accompanies a long standing feeling that I'm used by my other half and that its long over due for me to pack my bags, get the hell out of here and become the spark I used to be. Not so easy. My father and his wife come out here on safari soon, my workshop and office are based at home and our domestic ties mean I need to slowly make a plan. I also don't want to lose someone who in many ways has been my very closest friend. I don't want to lose the good parts of our relationship but I'm just going to end up ill if I keep bottling up this situation, where I'm shown affection behind closed doors whilst often treated like a child and humiliated in public or simply ignored. My spirit wants free.
An incident last week with one of my closest friend in Kenya, my homeland, has only cemented the vast hole I'm feeling inside. I called to say that I would not be able to holiday with her and her daughter (my God daughter) before they emigrate to Australia because of financial commitments with my own company and a work load I cannot ignore if I want the last 3 years work to flourish. I am at a critical time with my work. She got quite nasty and said that I should get the money from my rich father and then implied I was drunk by saying we had been on the phone for nearly an hour and she wouldn't chat about it any more. We had been on the phone for 10 minutes, I was not drunk and I had tried to get the point over that whilst I couldn't afford the coast holiday I WOULD visit them in Nairobi. I was gob smacked when she hung up.
I need to go back to Kenya to take my mother's ashes to her birthplace in the Aberdare Mountains, as asked. But I'll delay the trip for now. My partner tells friends how 'WE' are doing the trip together, because of the prestige attached to my family's history, yet I got Zero help during my mothers illness and stay here. My partner was based away at the time, which I have no problem with whatsoever. It was necessary because of work. But the occasional trip home with even less moral support than I got over the telephone! Granted my mother had ostracized a lot of people for reason I have no intention of going into now, but why the bragging about a trip now to the Aberdares and, and, and.....
I'll go home with the ashes in my own time, quietly alone. I may wait till my sister visits for New Year, but traditionally my mother's ashes should be scattered before a year has gone by (7th Dec).
Believe me this is NOT A TRIP DOWN SELF PITY ALLY. I know there are many members here facing far more difficult issues. Its just the accumulation of nasty incidences that I have no control, in which my alcoholism is the tool flung at me when I don't DO JUST WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT.
I could go on with incidences but I've bored you guys enough, but at least I've vented my frustrations and settled for a Fanta and kept away from the plonk. Excuse my ranting.:upset:
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