Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

[Doggygirl]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

Hi all, and thank you Wonderworld for starting this thread. Several posts have really hit home to me - this is a good read!! Congratulations to all on your AF time.

LVT - special congrats on quitting smoking. That ain't easy!! I quit smoking way before drinking, and I found my desire for alcohol skyrocketed from "I wanna drink all day" to "I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna drink all day and will be damn pissed if I can't!!" I suspect that has to do with some brain chemistry stuff along the lines of what Pamina mentioned???? Anyway, congrats on 4 months quit. I should start getting a little easier sometime soon??? I'm 16 months quit and I rarely think about it any more. (although like AL, must never ever ever consider the "just one" lie!!!)

Bestlife, I can relate to your triangulation discussion. Especially in dealings with Mr. Doggy...things would get blamed on *me-and-my-drinking* either by him OR by me, and either way it was not good. Either he would be side stepping something else, or just plain taking out the days frustrations on me, and I would feel like a doormat. Being sober is worth it just to not go THERE.

Pamina, I love your essay. And it makes sense to me. My "experiments" with moderation were abysmal failures, and I actually feel a sense of relief to just accept that I can't and won't drink any more. (or if I do, the consequences stink - there is no moderation fairy flying near me!)

I feel good this time around at 43 days Hangover Free! I did well with a 60 day stint last summer. I think getting this early part of AF done when the weather is nicer fits with my body vibes. I REALLY struggled trying to get back on the wagon when I fell after very short stints in the fall / winter months. THIS fall / winter, I will be prepared with months of AF time under my belt. That's the goal anyway!!

Look forward to sharing more on this 31 - 60 thread!!

DG
:award: + *************

[Larisa]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

Hi! Now that I'm a 31-er, thought I'd jump in. Feels good to have the 30-day hoopla over with.

[Thankful]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

WW ~ you are so great for getting people's wheels spinning. That is one amazing gift you have.

What a fantastic thread! Some real informative talk about why we are all here. I have missed threads like this!!!

I have been stuck in so many thought cycles lately that my head is spinning. It seems that everything I read lately, I agree with as long as it is against AL. I think that is the true key to staying sober or going beyond those first 30 days. Reading and researching!!

I always think that if one is on the fence about whether they should stay AF or Mod, they should stay AF until they are clear on exactly what they want to do. If you have to hem and haw over the decision, something inside of you is clearly telling you that you need to give it more time. Of course this is just my opinion and I am not trying at all to pass judgment. When I hemmed and hawed after 30 days, I read everything I could on the subject of AL. Not just here, but on many website (particularly medical clinical trials). Educating myself helped with the decision process. I no longer wonder if I can have a couple of beers at home and stop because the research has made me not want any AL in my system at all.

Why have just one or two? Seriously. Why? We don't want to get a buzz because if we've reached that level than we are no longer thinking rationally, and then the drinks flow like water. So why have one anyway? What do you (this is directed at all of us) want to achieve by this act? If it's to prove you have control, than forget it. You have control by being able to abstain. Is it to feel normal? Normal by whose definition? No one is normal. So why bother in the first place? Is that one drink worth the risk?

No matter what method anyone uses to help them quit, I am afraid that we will always struggle if we don't change our mindset. Medication and "healing hands" may help one to stop drinking, but are they really free of the addiction if the thought process doesn't change? And I guess this is the real reason that some people fear the forever being AF.

I simply refuse to live the rest of my life in fear. I am not going to give up that power to such a lethal poison. I am aware of the little voice that questions me sometimes, but that voice gets squelched really fast when it creeps into my head. I am not allowed to entertain drinking thoughts! Period!! I don't know that I will be AF forever. I hope that I am. But I do know that the main thing that worked this time in my battle to quit was changing my attitude. I've wanted to quit for years, but that wasn't enough. I want a million dollars too, but wanting it bad enough is not going to get it for me is it? See my point?

Just my :cents

Love, Me
:l

[wonderworld]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

whoa. Powerful crew. So awesome to read these posts.

Great to see and hear you Doggy. I relate on the summer months thing. Something about the warm weather and sunshine just...... puts me in a better place. I have a sense of 'storing up for the winter' too. Need to fill the reserve tank while I've got my flip flops on!

Thankful you said a mouthful. Loud and clear! I ask myself this too. If you REALLY beak it down, WHY drink? I'm not saying that NO ONE should ever drink, but in MY very personal case, what would be MY reason to have a drink? 2 things come to mind. To 'be normal' and to escape. The first one has been pretty much debunked, though it still tugs now and then. The second one - a different matter. A lifelong subject of study! Why do I want to escape? (oh gawd). And..... how do I live so I don't feel that way?

I'm working on it. And it's working on me. And a drink right now would derail the whole process. Oh yes.

Off to read more.........

Love ww xox

[wonderworld]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

A big HEY-OH Larisa!!!! See? Didn't we save you a pretty slot? How's the other side of 30 so far? I know what you mean about being relieved that the 30 day hoopla is over. It's alot of pressure. And best of all, YOU DID IT!!! Hey nanner nanner is right!

Hey Peanut!!!

ww xox

[caysea]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

HI All
Thankful great post.I have been down the road a couple of times. Thinking that I had it under control only to wind up back in the drinking and binging mode.The use of the word battle is the mind set I am in .It is a fight for my life and nothing less.No way can I try and become a friend with this enemy.I wish all well that think they can mod, i can't. I am trying to keep the motivation I started out with and will stay AF [day 49].One of the things that I have realized is that it is not just stooping drinking but changing my lifestyle.Being new to this sober world it is helpful to hear from the people who have had success.

[Rusty-576]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

Hi all:
This thread is so amazing with every question that I have been wondering about is posted here. I know that moding is not for me like caysea says "a fight for my life and nothing less" really brings home the message. I am trying to change my life with positive thinking but everytime I drive by a liquor store I wonder if I will back there. I hope never, but the question is still there. I love being sober and this place has been the best place that I could ever have found.

[Flyboy]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

Day 114 on the 4 of July, I think?? anyhow I'm with you!!

[Doggygirl]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

Hello 31-60'ers (and beyond!)!!

Congratulations to everyone in this thread for your AF progress, and thanks for all the wonderful thought provoking posts.

I've been thinking a lot lately about a couple of things. And I will qualify everything I am about to post as pertaining to *me* - I am not trying to suggest that what I think applies to me applies necessarily to anyone else!!

First, caysea mentioned the phrase "battle in the mind." I whole heartedly agree that it IS a battle to get free of addiction, and that the mind IS the main battlefield. I think there are other tools that help such as the supplements to help repair the body, etc. But the brain chemistry of addiction is strong, and for me that's where the biggest part of the battle takes place. Just like when I quit smoking over 16 months ago. ()

I think I made a mistake somewhere in the last year trying to treat my alcohol addiction as somehow more complicated (lots of time spent assessing triggers) and/or not as severe of an addiction (fantasies of moderation that I would NEVER entertain with nicotine.)

Bottom line? While I could make a list of many reasons why I drink - those would all be symptoms and not the actual disease. THE #1 reason why I drink is because I'm addicted to alcohol. I can't become unaddicted to alcohol any more than I can become unaddicted to cigarettes. Drinking due to stress, a fight with Mr. Doggy, a romantic interlude with Mr. Doggy, a good day, a bad day, a mediocre day, etc. etc. etc. are just excuses my addicted subconscious is giving me to drink. Do I have issues and problems in my life I need to work on? You bet. But for me, using problems as an excuse to keep drinking until I "figure out" that problem.....the Beast in my brain wins the battles that way.

So one strategy I'm employing these days is to try to STOP allowing my "mind speak" to complicate the simple fact that I want to drink because I'm addicted to alcohol, and the ONLY way I will eventually stop wanting to drink is to stay completely away from alcohol.

Addiction is addiction and the "cure" is the same (abstinence). Doesn't really matter if it's nicotine, alcohol, pot, sugar, whatever. I started out viewing quitting alcohol just like quitting smoking...and somewhere along the way I allowed more "gray area thinking" about it to creep in.

I'm hoping that this will start feeling easier at similar milestones as happened with nicotine. Around a hundred days was a bit of a turning point - thoughts of smoking were noticeably less at that stage. And now at over a year not smoking, I rarely think of it and since Day 1 of quitting, I NEVER entertained any fantasies of ever being able to smoke just one. (although my addicted brain sure tried that many, many times.)

I believe firmly that I will NEVER EVER light a cigarette EVER again in my life. I can't. I know exactly where that will lead, and I ain't going there.

So why have I been drawn to the idea that it's somehow not proper to say the same strongly worded thing about AL? I don't know why, but somehow it feels politically incorrect (or something!!) to say "I will never drink AL again - ever." I feel some sort of obligation to say in my mind OR out loud / in writing: "I don't know if I'll ever drink again...but not today..." or that sort of thing. Why? And I'm guessing there might be a very valid answer to that which I should consider. Thoughts??? I guess I give my brain enough credit for being clever enough to view that way of thinking as an opening to get a fix someday. (and please don't think I am criticizing ANYONE for viewing things that way. We all have to do whatever works for us as individuals)

Oh well - lots of rambling here!! I better sign off and get ready to head to Curves!!

Have a great AF day everyone!

DG
Celebrating 45 Days Hangover Free!

[caysea]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

Good AM all
DG great post !! Hits home for me .Reading the thoughts that I have had in my head written down by someone else really helps .My wife and I had a discussion about how I tried in the past to control my drinking only to fail.I think everyone has to find out for themselves which path they can follow.When I was talking with my wife I can hear all my rationalizing and see how it was useless trying to control my addiction .
Now that I have a little time since my last drink I am starting to get memories of some of the things I did while drinking.Not good memories be it things I said to someone or my behavior.I am going to have to face the way I was.can't change the past but it does bring me down I don't like to dwell on it. Any answers??

[Beck]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

I just read throught this thread - some amazing stuff here.

DG - I don't know why it is so hard to say we will never have another drink. I think it has something to do with the acceptability of social drinking (as opposed to smoking) coupled with the fact that so many can drink without progressing to alcoholism. And as you are aware most people view smokers as doing something harmful to themselves but someone having a drink as normal.

Caysea - I think you have to forgive yourself for your past actions and for getting yourself into this situation. You would forgive others, wouldn't you? (Btw - I am 5 months sober and forgave myself last week)

WW - you said that one of the reasons you wanted to drink was for "escape". Struck a chord with me as you know I have been moving and during that 2-3 week period AL kept calling me to escape. My response - NOT drinking is my escape!!! He also wanted me to take a break my response to that was I don't want a break from my recovery.

Best of luck to alll of you

[wonderworld]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

"the ONLY way I will eventually stop wanting to drink is to stay completely away from alcohol"
Amen DG. There's the whole thing in a nutshell, if you ask me.

The reason I don't say, or think in concrete terms "I will never drink again", and this is ME, is because I have said it, and meant it, and lived it for years before. I have a certain, um, humility with alcohol that causes me, intelligently I think, to acknowledge that potential right now. Because it exists. If I DON'T simply acknowledge that, I feel nervous, and that's good. It's not 'leaving the door open' to drink, NOT AT ALL, it's not saying that it would EVER be okay, because it wouldn't.

On some level, it's a compassionate acknowledgment of my Achilles heel in this area, and a way of saying ' we're keeping an eye on this for life'. Because here's the other piece for me - I've been AF for years and years at a time before. It was not an issue for years and years at a time. I have 'not wanted a drink' for thousands of days consecutively. And while this AF period feels much more 'mine' somehow, a more personal (and joyous) commitment to my health and my future, the possibility of ingesting alcohol exists as long as me and AL are on the planet together. That IS a fact. Even if in my heart it's "never".

And, if I ever fall from grace again, it HAS to be okay to try again. Right away. Setting myself up for such a huge level of guilt and shame and failure, even if it's 20 years from now, feels MORE dangerous somehow than saying 'I will never drink again'. I would never think badly of YOU for breaking an AF commitment, but if I did it, it could depress and paralyze ME to the degree that I don't get the help I need, especially at a time when the alcohol has me all out of sorts and messed up any way. AL is always the "enemy" in this situation bottom line, that's the poison, not me, not my human-ness, or my addicted genes. I will not give Al the final power to make me feel that way about myself. No matter what happens.


And also, a cigarette doesn't alter your consciousness to the degree that alcohol does I think. While cigarettes are deadly, something about the risk involved with drinking feels more dangerous because alcohol makes you lose your thinking powers all together. Again, I have to leave room for getting help if I'm ever again in a situation where 'the lights are on and no one's home' because of alcohol. There has to be mercy. Not saying "absolutely forever" today feels like a statement of unconditional self-love somehow. Supreme over AL.

And today I can say with complete genuineness "I never want to drink again", and that's ALOT!!! I feel GOOD about that! And there MAY come a day when "Never Again" feels like a simple statement of fact. For now, this sightly cautious approach feels more realistic based simply on my experience, and it doesn't make me doubt my commitment at all. Feels even MORE committed somehow.

Don't know if any of that makes sense at all. Just my ramblings on another fascinating topic on this thread.

back in a bit-

ww xox

[LVT25]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

Hi guys,I just wanted to check in. I'm at my sister's house having a nice family get together! While the thread is a little "deep" for my tired little brain right now, it is really interesting! I would like to report that for whatever reason, drinking AL is just not that important to me right now and I hope it never is again. We stopped at Walmart for supplies on the way here, and I bought some AF beer and some kind of raspberry tea that I think is also 0.5% AL. But so far all I've had is iced tea and diet pop! Oh, and lots and lots of food and homemade goodies!
My brother and his wife are still smoking and THAT doesn't appeal to me either!!! Yippee!!

Well, I better go be sociable some more!!!

Have a great rest of the weekend all!!:h

[Doggygirl]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

Hi everyone. WW, that's an interesting perspective, especially given your previous years of sobriety. I appreciate that!

DG

[gyco]

Day 31 - 60 AF. Who's In?

hi wonderful i got your message but didn no how use this site to read im workin at this sobriety yhing for many years this site is interestin your doin great remember i day at a time hope u dont mind me writin gyco your doin great keep up the good work a slip is a slip just pik your self back up and start all over again