Who am I? This is horrible.

[Kimberley]

I am nearly 2 months sober and all of a sudden now the clouds of alcohol haze have lifted, I find myself not knowing who I am and stuck in a life where I can't find out what I am.

Because I have travelled through the past 10 years of my life in a haze, my thoughts and feelings have never emerged like this before. I feel like I have 'ended up' with life where I am now, and it is not really something I have actively chosen.

I have started feeling so unsure of who I am and not only what I want, but what I need in life.

For example, during the drinking years I had sexual relationships with women sometimes, but only ever serious relationships with men. It put it down to drunkenness and thought that I might possibly be bisexual. But now, I am really thinking it may be more serious than that and considering that maybe I am more drawn to women than men. But I am living with a boyfriend of 9 months - ouch, so trapped.

Also I recently went on holiday to Paris and it made me remember that when I was about 17, before all the drinking madness, I had really thought I'd love to live there, that it would be so much better for me, somewhere I really felt at home. This trip brought all those old feelings flooding back and I am starting to consider that maybe I do need to move there after all. Although now, I am not in a position to really.

It sounds like it should be a lovely feeling, knowing that I can now do so many things that I just couldn't when my drinking was out of control. So many more opportunities.

But it's not, it's horrible. I feel like I have lost all sense of who I am and have wasted so many years maybe living the wrong life. And now I am not in a position, financially not to mention anything else, to explore all these other avenues properly. For example, the only way I will find out about my sexuality is to experiment, but I can't afford to leave this house or relationship.

Thinking about this last night, I felt like a huge hot claw was tearing at my insides and I just wanted it to stop. I don't think the above even explains half of what I feel or mean - it is so difficult to pin it down. I feel so sad and lost. I can't stop crying. What can I do? :upset:

[CaptJBean]

Who am I? This is horrible.

I have read that it's important not to get involved in nor to depart from any relationships or major decision making until you've been sober for no less than a year. I don't know if that helps or not. But I suspect your feelings are fairly normal.

I love Paris too... not for the same reasons as you... but, I do love Paris and London...

Pray and or meditate your way thru this time in your life. Sometimes just sitting quietly and asking God or ???? for some direction in your life.

It's just my opinion...

[wonderworld]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Hi Kimberley-

I totally relate to your post. You articulated your "predicament" so beautifully. Well done. And while you sound upset and desperate, I also hear you at an amazing fork in the road. Don't panic. Everything doesn't have to be 'fixed' right this minute. Your discomfort, I think, like mine sometimes, is about uncertainty. You're true feelings and desires in life and likes and dislikes are coming to the surface, and hey, they don't match your life right now! How could they?

So, we're talking about transition. Which can make you very uncertain and anxious about the future. So, my suggestion - try to stay "in the moment". As you continue to explore your feelings and your life, your goals and the methods of achieving them will knit themselves into the fabric of your daily life. Slow and steady wins the race. Eventually you will look back on this moment from some place in the future and feel much compassion for the butterfly struggling to get out and be free.

You're starting to hear your heart again. It can be kind of shocking and scary at first.

Just keep going .....be GENTLE with yourself...... and keep posting!

Much love -
WW xox

[AAthlete]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Kimberly, I've often heard it said that when we are drinking heavily, we stop growing emotionally.

When I quit drinking, I felt like I was a kid again because I was dealing with stuff that I had never resolved. Nothing worse than being in my forties but emotionally feeling like I am 10-15 years younger than that.

As others have said, you are transitioning to a new life and it is going to take some adjusting to. For me the key to it was acceptance. Hate to sound cliche, but yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a blessing. I would encourage you to find someone to talk to about how you are feeling (whether it be here or a good friend) and simply enjoy today. Often times simply getting what you feel out if the open helps you intuitively find the answer you are looking for.

[Marshy]

Who am I? This is horrible.

I agree with the others not to rush into anything. Giving up drinking is a huge change in your life and it's bound to make you look at things differently. I went through a similar "climbing the walls" feeling around two months sober and felt frustrated that my life hadn't immediately become PERFECT. Hahaha.

Try to relax and give yourself time to adjust.

[KateH1]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Kimberly,
There is a lot of wisdom here.....you are not alone in the self discovery part of living without alcohol. We all go through this to one extent or another. Celebrate the fact that you are now becoming more clear in your thinking, able to "Think" about choices. Able to "Plan". Your dreams may not all come true today, but give yourself some time, relax, and think things through. All things are possible!!

[wonderworld]

Who am I? This is horrible.

what cool posts. Totally agree with all that's been said.

And ...... adding to what's been said...... I'm remembering that several of us who went AF together hit a very emotional place at around 60 days (thanks for the reminder Kate). And what AAthlete said about emotional growth being stunted by alcohol - oh yes. I, too, am in my 40's and continue to learn so much basic stuff about myself that got skipped over in 'the haze', as you said. Yes, a middle-aged teen. Argh!

OMG so glad we all have each other -

WW xox

[nancy]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Well, it sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed right now. I think you have received some good advice here, in terms of focusing on the moment and forgetting the past.

A lot of people have regrets about their pasts, whether they were drinking or not. Ask around your friends and you will find tons of things that were not done! Would you have gone to Paris if you were sober? Who knows! Maybe something else would have stopped you. You can't rewrite history and you will drive yourself crazy if you focus on things you did not do.

You may not be able to live in Paris but perhaps there is a compromise. A vacation there? Leave of absence? Sabattical? Or maybe you find a job with international travel.

About your sexuality, do you really think that you somehow missed your very orientation due to drinking? or are you just getting yourself all wound up? Maybe you are not that happy in the relationship you have so you are wondering? It's probably best to give sobriety some more time to settle in before making any big decisions.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Who am I? This is horrible.

the posts here are full of wisdom.

I can imagine the anxiety you feel right now. You feel like you have lost so many years, and you are now wondering if you are in the right place at all...with the right person, even with the right gender, in the right city, etc...

You have many, many years ahead of you to explore and grow. But for now, just sit still. I understand that with early sobriety comes a time of incredible emotional termoil, and so what you are feeling is NORMAL at this point. You don't want to react irrationally on this tidlewave of emotion. Accept it as part of the process, and have some faith that it WILL start to settle down. Only then can you reflect and, if you decide, make some changes. If you do find out that you are a lesbian who wants to live in Paris, well fine...then in the RIGHT time you will move to Paris, and hopefully find love there. You have PLENTY of time, though, and this is not the right time for you. Try to stay calm, and enjoy life day to day for the moment. Try to enjoy being sober....waking up clear headed, taking a walk, all those wonderful moments we have missed for so long. Try not to let yourself get bogged down by all this raging emotions...just let them come, and let them pass. It WILL get easier. Don't rush the process....

OK...that is a lot of advice from someone who still wishes I could be in your shoes (i.e., having some time without alcohol in my life).

With love,

Beth

[Kimberley]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Thanks all for your lovely, caring, empathetic and inspiring comments. I wish I could respond to every one seperately.

I know that one day perhaps in future I will be happy this happened, but it just doesn't feel like it right now. I loved the butterfly analogy WW - it nearly made me cry. But in a way this makes me so sad that I'm not there right now.

I don't want a perfect life, here, now, on demand etc, but i need to know what I want at least so I can plan on getting towards it or at least dreaming and looking forward to it. But that's just it, I don't know.

To make matters worse, my bf confronted me about finding 'girl seeking girl' adverts on my computer- I was just browsing- so this all came up. I have tried to tell him it's not about him or our relationship, but he's really upset as he thought this was 'it'. Our tenancy comes up in November and I honestly think that over time I will need to live alone with my own time and space to figure things out. I have NEVER lived alone. I can not afford to do this, though, financially. But I think I can't afford not to, for my own sanity. What a predicament!

But my bf now keeps asking me if I will leave him when the contract is up or whether we will find somewhere together again. I think I will need to be alone, and come November I will HAVE to make some kind of decision either way, rather than just going with the flow. I feel like I will really need to be on my own, but I am just saying to him to wait and see and in the meantime we'll be like we've always been. After all, maybe when the time comes, I will still want to be with him. I'm just so unsure! It's not fair on either of us.

I feel like I am in limbo waiting for something to happen to make me sure about what I want. It's such a lonely empty place and I can't stand it. This is the only time since being AF that I have thought I really would be better with a drink/dead - that's how strongly I feel about it. I am not going to do either, simply because I promised my parents I wouldn't and haven't got the energy anyway. But it's so painful living like this.

[wonderworld]

Who am I? This is horrible.

"and in the meantime be as we've always been". That stood out to me. I think that that's unrealistic. I don't think it will work! And you won't be happy, either one.

You know, sometimes people need space in a relationship. For all KINDS of reasons. That's absolutely okay. But here's something else. It sounds like you have been going through some really BIG changes as a result of your AF time. There's no way that that is not effecting him. He may have already felt threatened and alienated from you and rather than communicate that to you in a direct way, he is lashing out from insecurity. And maybe the more needy and/or aggressive he is, the more depressed and doubtful you feel about the relationship? Just throwing some huge guesses out there.

How does he feel about your quitting drinking? Is he supportive?

WW

[gabby1go]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Kimberley,

There is a lot of terrific advice posted here. I agree that you shouldn't rush into anything. That includes leaving your bf and finding your sexuality. I always believe that you have to have a plan, no matter what you do. Take this one step at a time. I think you first need to be honest with yourself. Since you don't feel like you can leave now financially, perhaps you should start keeping a journal and write down everything you are feeling. You can then reflect on your thoughts/feelings and possibly getting some understanding as time passes. I know what it is like to have all of these thoughts racing through your head and not able to get a handle on any of them. Writing them down helps.

I also think being honest with your bf is important. If he thinks this is "it" then it is only fair to him to know where he stands. If it were you wouldn't you want to know?

Take your time, try to enjoy your sobriety and the freedom to "feel" that your weren't allowing yourself to before. Focus on the good things that are happening in your life. The great things that you are able to experience now that you are sober. Don't let the negative drag you into a quagmire. Isn't that what getting sober is all about? Celebrate you accomplishments and your life. You finally have it back and once you get it all figured out you will be able to live it as you choose. Gabby.

[Kimberley]

Who am I? This is horrible.

WW in a way you are right. The bf is very needy, but he's also pretty young and pretty insecure. And it does make me feel like I don't need that in my life when I need most of my time and space for me and figuring out the mystery of me, rather than tyrying to reassure him. It does make me doubt.

However, he is very supportive of me stopping drinking. I promised to do it for a year to start with and he is doing 6 months with me to show his support. That was FANTASTIC of him. I do love him and everything, but yes I do have doubts.

Also, he was great with looking after me when I was in withdrawl and ill etc and I will always appreciate that and wouldn't want to lose his friendship ever. But now that I'm sober, I feel in myself that we're not right together. He seems to think we are, but like I siad he's young.

All this makes me sound really horrid and ungrateful, but I'm not. I just can't live the rest of my entire life with someone just to say thanks to them. It wouldn't be fair on either of us.

[wonderworld]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Kimberley;356824 wrote: All this makes me sound really horrid and ungrateful

not at all. Just real. And maybe not in love right now, as you would like to be. And as HE wishes you'd be. What can you really say about that? Never a good time. Especially when you're living together. Depression is a natural response I think LOL!!!

hang in there. Glad you're getting it off your chest-

ww xox

[Kimberley]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Thanks Gabby, I will have a think about journalling my thoughts- if I can pin them down properly- I am all over the place!

I have been as honest with my bf as I can. We have to live together until October either way, so I've just said 'wait and see'. Otherwise it would be unbearable for both of us to live in the same (tiny) house having effectively broken up. If we even are going to do that- I don't know!

Re enjoying sobriety - there are very few bits of it I really enjoy. Or are there? I don't know. I got sober because I couldn't drink anymore without being out of control. I am still waiting for all the positive things that I read about on the forums. It's mostly the absence of negative things that hapened when I was drinking that are the 'pluses'. Sad, but true. Sorry, I'm sure that's not true, but I'm so sad right now and lost. :upset: