Who am I? This is horrible.

[Pamina]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Kimberley - what struck me most was your comment you'd rather be drunk or dead than feeling the way you do. Could you seek out professional support in working through your feelings, gradually over time? The NHS may have waiting lists for counseling but they should be able to put you in touch with organisations that offer low-cost therapy.

[wonderworld]

Who am I? This is horrible.

I was thinking along these lines too Kimberley. Maybe you have a touch of a clinical depression. If so, the right treatment could make a tremendous difference. Meds, therapy, it may not take too much to get you on track and get your spirits lifted. Can you look around for such?

Wishing you peace-

ww xox

[Kimberley]

Who am I? This is horrible.

I have had clinical depression in the past - one of the reasons why I drank. I've tried meds, counselling etc to no avail. Thanks for being concerned, but I just deal with it on my own now.

The only reason I said that I would feel better drinking or dead was because I feel so bad right now. I realise neither of these is the answer, so don't fear for me. I just feel like it's the end of the world. Especially as my bf is now taking this whole 'change' or possible changes REALLY badly. He's just walking round hysterically crying and stuff right now. I can't deal with this. I think I'm going to have to go out for a walk or something. It's too painful to be here.

[Sheepish]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Hi Kimberley
I am no expert and still struggling with many demons- but somethng that you said hit me as it is something that is on my plate TODAY. You said that you have had clinical depression before and that is one of the reasons why you drank. I too have had the same and have been taking anti depressants (various types/combinations) over the last 5-6 years. However during that same period of time I have NEVER stopped drinking for more than a month at a time. I would not say that I was heavily drinking, yet at least 4-5 times per week having 2 drinks per day +. Even this level of drinking interferred with my medication and didnt give it (or me) the chance to 'get better'. I am wondering, now that you are sober- maybe giving the meds and therapy a 2nd go with fresh eyes and different brain chemistry? Just a thought as I am thinking them for myself.
I am sorry you are in so much pain- you are very courageous to continue to be AF. I applaud you.
-Sheep

[Michaela]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Wow! What a great bunch of insperational people here! I hope and pray Kimberly that you figure things out, but gosh, having someone around you being hysterical is definetly not helping your emotional state. I'm sure your feeling guilt over your bf emotions. Is there a place where you or he can go for a few days to just get some SPACE? Maybe your parents? I know I need to be alone and sort things out in my head at times. I think we all do.
Hang in there and keep reading the posts. They are all such wonderful insights.

Michaela:l

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Kimberly-

Not even sure what I want to say here, but feel the need to post. Emotions are a curious thing. When we are in them, they seem overwhelming, but they do change, they do pass, and I am SURE that not too far off in your future, you will NOT be feeling as bad as you are at this moment. I imagine dealing with your own emotions, which are "all over the place" is hard enough, and you are also worried about your bf's emotions...tough stuff. You probably would be better off living on your own for awhile, until you have sorted out some significant emotions of your own-especially if you have never lived alone...I think it is important to know you can. AND you can. You can afford it. I think you would grow so much just to know you can.

It is unfortunate that you are locked into a rental situation until Oct. It sounds like you would be better off by yourself right now. But I am not sure what you can do about that. However, your bf does sound like a good guy who cares alot for you. No, you are not indebted to him for life, but you probably do owe it to him to be honest about your uncertanty about your relationship.

I am not sure how old you are, and I guess at 47 I feel ancient lol. I will tell you that my experiences have shown me that life can take many changes, and that as hard as going through changes can be, in hindsight we look back and say "wow, it seemed so bad, but really it was ok". You will be fine. You will. And then you will question why it seemed so difficult at the time. Take a breath, and at least have faith that in a little while you will be in a much better place...and you will reap the benifits of not drinking...you will. You will find positives you never expected.

OK. My two cents, I guess.

Beth

[me145]

Who am I? This is horrible.

aw kim, i read most of your posts..first let me say that you are so interesting and smart. i completely feel what you feel-and you describe it so fantastically. i didnt realize you were going through this mental anguish. It sounds like you probably do have mild depression aside from the confusion you have. I felt similar when i was af for the short time i was-the feeling that the most positive things about being af were the fact that i didnt have those horrible drunk nights where bad things happened. other than that there waerent the "highs" i used to have of going out and getting drunk. it barely feels good to me anymore though i must admit. my brain has changed, and alcohol doesnt effect me the same way, as in making me happy. see how you feel with a little more time. it may get better. you will see and know sooner or later if you should stay with your boyfriend. follow your heart. talk to you via email girl.

[DeeBee]

Who am I? This is horrible.

Your post really touched me and I wanted to reply straight away but didn't know what to say. Last night lying in bed I was thinking about what you had written and then it hit me... I was lying in bed thinking about something that I had read about a couple of days ago .... I hadn't stumbled my way there to pass out as was the norm a couple of months ago!!

When I used to read about people going off to rehab to "dry out", I don't think I really understood what it meant. It has given new meaning to me. My brain is so used to being saturated by AL and having it's own fuzzy logic conversation with itself there was no room for anything else. Since I have booted AL out the door, or to be more precise, put him on the back porch my "sponge" is now dry. My brain is absorbing all sorts of information now and not all of it is welcome, but I have to absorb it, welcome it, find a place to store it and deal with it.

I can't remember who but somebody's Avatar's moto is "I'd rather be hated for who i am, than loved for who i am not", that is how i feel about my "sponge".

Just wanted to let you know that i was thinking of you!

Dee