Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

[SunDaisy]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

TNT,

Just catching up now. Know that I'm thinking about you and wishing you well tonight to get some rest so that you can wake up fresh tomorrow with strength and peace in your heart to deal with this tomorrow. You've dealt with worse and you'll deal with this using the courage that's in your beautiful soul.

Sun

[toughintexas]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Thanks to all of you so much, oh, and in all my typing, my councelor admitted to me she was "afraid for my life".... she thinks if you over-indulge once, after the first time, you are going straight to hell in a handbasket, I tried to tell her all about this site, and was cut off, she said...."its crap", and my daughter wrote, as I read to More2, your "program" is bullshit...this from a 22yr old, still in college, and that has gone out with friends and had a few too many too, admitted it, and never has had Mom disown her! I feel kinda like both my friend/councelor and daughter are a bit tainted in their opinions. But my daughter loves the councelor and wants to be just like her, and have her job, so to her, she's got it together, and I don't. She gives me no slack, and not an ounce of "good job" for all the progress I've made, and won't credit this "way out" for anything...also, councelor, is very anti, anti, meds since she was addicted to prescriptions.....I really was so upset and taken aback today, that I couldn't even ask her why in the heck she'd say those things to my child, in her next breath, she was saying, she's the child, you need to be the parent, but...but...she's telling this stuff to the "child"....I pay for daughter to go and talk about anything she needs to get off her chest in any arena, you'd think she'd think about that...plus, I have not been in any trouble, or hospitalized, or any of those things, a few bad binges, but I'm not some hopeless case by any stretch of the imagination! Ok, I gotta take some GABA, and Rescue relief and go pray! Please pray for this to work itself out, I'm just not going off to the Meadows or whatever! Wahhhhhhhhhh............

[livingfree]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Tex,

My heart breaks for you. My daughter is 22 - and we are also very very close. I can't imagine the hurt you feel - HOWEVER - - - "He who has no sin - may cast the first stone ...."

My point is that she is being very demanding, when I really do believe she is just scared like Kate said above. You may just need to take the bull by the horns and sit her down and be firm, loving and confident in how you are going to handle this. She may just need to see your calm, determined, confident reaction to all of this.

Forgiveness is what is needed now ... You to forgive yourself, her and the friend/ EX counselor (Forgiveness is one thing, trusting her as a counselor is quit another).

Much love and all of my prayers

[toughintexas]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

You are right Liv, and thanks for reminding me. I think us parents that try to be so perfect, feel so guilty about not being be, that we let the situation of who's the boss get away from us. I did tell her I'd go to AA if that'd be an extra show of faith on my part, and take the anabuse so that there'd be no drinking on the table, 2 new things added to the arsenal, that hadn't been "promised" before. Nope....Meadows or nothing.... she totally, since the councelor did, dissed all of this site. I have forgiven myself, I know how hard I've tried, and how far I've come, my hubby even told her that...and yes, she can find/pay for a new councelor too! That really makes me mad, that fueled the fire and is not productive, or helpful, that made things totally worse. Love you all, maybe it'll be better!

[happycamper68]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Hi Tough,

It's hard to know what to say. As a daughter of an alcoholic the only thing that straightened him out was the thought of losing everything, she isn't blackmailing you, she is desperate to have her mommy back.

I know you have a lot of good advice here but one thing I can say, if it hasn't been said already, is that you cannot be your own child's best friend. It doesn't work then you lose your authority. Once you lose that you lose their respect when you mess up. I think that if Rhonda can come to TX you should go, or go to therapy with her so she understands what you are doing. Rhonda sounds though, like it has worked for a lot of people. If one more person comes back with a good outcome I may go to Vermont myself.

Good luck hon, love you. Camper :l

[SKendall]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Wow, I can understand the pain you're in, I've been in exactly the same situation. Our daughter's are more influenced by their mothers than anyone else. When she sees or hears you when you've had a glass she may be fearful she is looking into her own future. I think that's what my daughter felt and they feel "if you really loved me you wouldn't do this because it makes me scared".

Since she is married to a Ph.D in intervention work, you can imagine how a lot of their conversations are about this issue. At their young ages it's easy to become self-righteous and judgemental and they are being both, because their life's experience is still limited.

Go forth in your determination to deal with alcohol your way without seeking her approval, hold your head up because you have been successful in your efforts T. If she doesn't want to contact you or wants to cut you out of her life, she is striking out in fear or just being mean, but she is the one making that choice, which is a very short-sighted and immature opinion.

Once we stop trying to defend ourselves - (and she hit you with a sensitive vanity issue - looks etc.) we begin to think "hey, wait a minute, who's the mother here". Also, she isn't taking all you have done for her as a bonus right now, she is thinking that it was your obligation as a mother to do that anyway - most kids are selfish that way. Let this blow over for a while and I would hang tough on wanting to call her. Let her make the call, at some point her treatment of her mother should be unacceptable.

Everybody in life has "something" in the closet, alcohol just makes it more visible. As she matures she will see this.

Sorry to have rambled, but this issue is close to my heart too and it will be okay. If she chooses not to take the trip to C.R. so be it, calling her bluff may be a good thing.

Calm down and try not to feel so bad, our kids can hit nerves like no one else can. You're doing a great job on this program. Good Luck.

Hilary:l

[KateH1]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Well, I disagree about not being able to be best friends with our children. Particularly as they get older. I have five people in my life that I consider to be best friends. I have a different relationship with each of them, discuss different life aspects with each of them, but each of them is my best friend, one of these is my daughter. Our relationship, like all long term relationships has evolved over the years and continues to do so. I am no longer an "authority figure" in her life, nor have I been for a long while, as she is a grown woman. I am a confidant, she asks for my opinions and my support and I give my opinion when asked. We enjoy so many things together, yet we also enjoy other friends without each other. We also sometimes disagree, but, we are at a point where we disagree on respectful terms. I would not want our relationship to be any other way.

XXX Kate

[boozehag]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

hi tough in texas
I can totally relate had a similar experience myself recently. I have been off the ciggs and AL since 1 April and been modding for July. Had a little bit of a slip a couple of weekends ago as after I had about 4 drinks (without eating) i desperately wanted a ciggy. I sneaked outside to have one and my daughter (nearly 17) came out and caught me red handed with it in my mouth. She lost the plot completely and she stormed off with me running after her and said she could never trust me again that did I not care enough about her not to want to die! I was shocked first and then annoyed thinking she was over reacting etc and she didnt speak to me all the way home (she was driving). I felt like a little kid who had been caught stealing or something. I apologised the next day and she did too but I know she only did it because she loves me and I am sure your daughter does too. I so will not go there again.
BH (no more)

[brittzak]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

TIT,
I don't have time to read others responses this morning...so here goes mine. Your daughter is just that...your daughter. I think she needs to be put in the place of a daughter. You are letting irreplaced guilt make you back step in to second guessng yourself. You have done well lately...still room for improvement...sure...isnt there for us all? I would email her back, tell her you respect her decision and that you love her. That this is an issue you have been dealing with and she nor anyone else will make you feel less for not being perfect...you are human. AA, Meadows...whatever, is a personal choice!!!!! You are the parent! She is the child. She needs to remember that. I am not saying you can't be friends, but she is still your daughter.

Then, I would call your COUNSELOR and remind her of pt confidentiality laws and the code of ethics that she should be concerned with at this point. I dont care if you were fall down drunk daily, suicidal, etc....her position in this should be the confidentiality of her pt.. The fact that she even sees you and your daughter is unethical. UNLESS she is treating you both together as a family. I once went to a therapist that a friend of mine saw and he refused to treat me because we were like sisters and he felt one of our care could be compromised. I am not sure what the

I know you have been working very hard. Don't let this set you back...move forward, she will come around.

[Lila]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Hi all,
I hope you are feeling strong and in a place of love, Toughie.
I do want to say my opinion about daughters. After she is a grown woman, she isn't 'the child,' and a parent, I think, becomes a trusted older friend. I think it is a boundary issue. No friend, or grown daughter, anyone, should be in power to strong arm you into going anywhere.
I think the counseler and the daughter are not respecting your personal boundaries, each in their own way.
I think fire the counseler, and as Kate was saying, lovingly and patiently share what you are doing. She will come around. I think if you were to invoke 'parental authority' at her age, that might cause one of those family schisms. But respectfully having personal boundaries would be a good example for her.
Don't feed the drama she is creating.
Lila

[toughintexas]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Thanks to all of you, best advice ever, and I feel stronger today. She is too old to parent, but is pretty much solely dependent on Dad and I. I know she was scared, disappointed, and we were supposed to go to Dallas Sunday night, spend the night and then shop for stuff for the trip in a few weeks, so she may have been "pissy" that I messed up and didn't feel like making the trip. Still immature, but a let down I'm sure. So I "messed up". I know guilt is driving my fear too. I think all would have been better had the councelor not gone over the edge, and when I talked to her yesterday, she was home admittedly sorta "burned out", so that didn't help. I will not see her again I do not believe. My daughter has not seen me in a state like Sat. in years, so it wasn't a "normal" thing. I calmly also explained, as did hubby, that I'd drank so much less, done so well, that instead of the wine, I switched to something I didn't like much, and it was some kick butt margaritas, he kinda laughed, cuz I sure wasn't the only person in the group that went....."whew...what was that"..... I will continue to do better, she'd just thought I'd won the batttle awhile back, and I boo-boo'ed. I'm trying hard to not feel so badly, and I do know, as you've all said, as far as daughter and councelor both, I sure didn't deserve a cussing out and ultimatiums. I'm not going to call her, I'm going to loving friends today, to help them do somethings, the couple that is like my parents, take the dog so I don't have to worry about her "kidnaping" him for more punishment....which I really disrespect her for right now, you don't make an innocent pup suffer for your outburst, I won't let her put him thru disruption and be sick. I'm very humble and sad about my mistake, but it was just that, I admit to being a flawed human, but I'm a great Mom, stepmom, wife, and housekeeper. Love and thanks to all. Kate I will call you on the way out of town. More2 also.....xxxxxxx000000

[Dolly Sunshine]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Hang in there...you sound much better. You are the one who is right here.

[bestlifeldms]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

Wow TIT!

I agree with several here: Nowandzen, Kate, Camper, brittzak and others. Having been a director on the board for a mental health facility, I would be very concerned about liability issues regarding the way in which your therapist handled this situation. Not at all ethical, and yes, I would be p'd off and have to let her know about it.

I can tell from all that you have written, that you and your daughter love each other very deeply. Nothing can change that! That is probably exactly why it is so painful for her to experience you when you have had alcohol. Our kids need us no matter how old they become. It is so frieghtening to watch our loved one do something to themselves that we know is harmful and may take them from us.

My mom abused prescription drugs, for as long as I can remember. She died when she was 55. Exactly the age I am right now. I can remember watching her take her last breath, and for a very long time I was in so much emotional pain because I felt like she didn't love me enough to not hurt herself. That she chose to continue, knowing that she was at risk and may be ending her own life. I felt that she didn't love us enough to choose us (family) over possible death. My heart was broken.

We can't understand what it has felt like to our loved ones, when they have experienced us under the influence of alcohol! It has to be heartbreaking, frightening, embarassing, & infuriating - along with a smorgasbord of many other emotions.

They get upset because they love us so much and don't want to loose us. My husband told me that he could not stay any longer and watch me destroy myself. He loved me so much that by staying, he felt it was an act of condoning and he couldn't do that.

I have no answers. I only hope that some of the thoughts here will help you to gain some peace and move forward in a way that will allow you and your daughter to enjoy that love that you both share.

Love and Support - Best

[hart]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

((((((((((TIT)))))))))))))))

Remember hon you are "tough" in Texas. You chose that name for a reason. This too shall pass. I believe in you and I also remember being in my early twenties, I thought I knew everything. Your daughter will come around. As for that therapist, she is way out of line and should be sanctioned. IMHO :l:l:l

[Cinders]

Upset my daughter..'bout to have a heart attack over it!

TNT,

I hate to be what I am, but I am what I am.

Tell her you are more than glad to go to "The Meadows" if and I mean if IF she pays for it.

Let her put her money where her mouth is...

Oh, and your counselor, too.

Love you,
Cindi