I've ruined everything

[mintytess]

It's been quite awhile since I last posted but here I am back to square one again. I was doing great after the detox in May, went for several weeks without AL then it slowly crept back in.
I met a lovely man a few weeks ago but felt I couldn't be myself without a drink down me.... At first he didn't realise, but a couple of weeks ago he stayed over for the weekend and I kept sneaking off into the kitchen for a quick drink. He told me later he'd guessed I'd had a few.
I went to his place this weekend and he made it so special, took me to see all the sights etc.
We stayed in Friday night, listening to music, having a laugh and of course "drinking"!!!
Saturday night we went out and I totally blew it. I had a secret drink before we left and we had a brilliant night but I drank far too much.
It's all a bit of a blur after that. I vaguely remember some kind of tiff.
The following morning he hardly spoke, I asked what had happened and he said I'd been verbally abusive.
God!!! I feel SO ashamed and embarrassed. I hate myself. Why can't I be just me without the drink. I've never had any confidence in myself and always used drink for that reason.
The poor man had a five hour round trip to bring me home. All he said on the journey was he felt really disappointed.....oh the shame!!!
I sent him an email apologising but of course I haven't heard from him since.
Does anyone else use drink for the same reason?

Minty

[nancy]

I've ruined everything

Hi Minty

I think what you describe is very common.

These things can of course be very complicated but in my opinion, one explanation is that we can be very out of touch with our emotions and they can then all come out in a big bang while drunk. You are obviously using alcohol to loosen yourself up and loosen you do but too much.

I think you should get some therapy and get in touch will all your emotions, learn to express them in a healthy way. Are there some unresolved issues in your past? Did you have poor modeling from your parents?

In any case, it's going to be hard for you for a while to have a relationship maybe. Don't judge yourself too harshly for that because you have a drinking problem. When you get a handle on the problem and the causes underneath the problem, it should get easier to have good relationships.

As for this guy, maybe he doesn't understand. You apologized and can't do much more. Some people have more insight and compassion about drinking problems than others.

[mintytess]

I've ruined everything

Thanks all...it helps to know I'm not alone in being this way. Nancy, I think you're right, I also drink to block things out, alot happened a few years ago and I'm waiting for counselling. One2many and dolphin, like you I don't rememeber anything I said to him, he wouldn't say, but knowing me it'll have been something terrible.....only takes one wrong word from someone when I'm drunk for me to lose it.
He was really nice when he left, said I was a lovely person but needed to sort myself and then give him a think about giving him a ring...arghhhhh!!!... makes me cringe thinking about it.
Minty x

[gyco]

I've ruined everything

hi tess bin there done it,its usually the others tht make us feel guilty,shameful, and most of all depressed,because we vaguely remember what we do,ive recently stopped again for the millionth time,when you start thinkin about it,tht usually means u hav a problem,ive noticed in the time ive been here , many dont refer to themseves as alchoholics,tuff word,it is just a word,most normal people dont hav to talk online or go to AA,thts because the booze does somthin to us,it took me 37 years of drinkin,figure tht,isnt it just great to be able to come to a place like this and let go,i like what Evie says by ourselves its very hard to do,but in numbers were strong as hell keep wrtitin newbies is alwas fun gyco NOTE ITS CALLED SUPPORT HAV A GREAT DAY

[1967]

I've ruined everything

oh gosh. Yup, I think many of us can relate only too well to this thread.
Today is day 19 AF for me. I woke feeling refreshed and optimistic this morning. And my initial thoughts were not "oh man, did I do anything stupid last night?"
Now, if there were no other reason not to drink, this would still do.
Hang in there, give yourself a break and make a decision about how you want your life to be say just in the next two weeks.
Good luck. We are all routing for you.:l

[mintytess]

I've ruined everything

Hey, thanks everyone. You've really cheered me up, I'm actually sat her smiling for the first time since Sunday, instead of blubbering and feeling sorry for myself. I think he was just being polite when he said to phone him. I'm sure he was thinking...let me get away from this psychotic, neurotic mad woman...I've never seen anyone move so fast. Just pleased he doesn't live round the corner from me lol.

Minty

[Popeye]

I've ruined everything

Why can't I be just me without the drink. I've never had any confidence in myself and always used drink for that reason.

I can relate to this. I have a lack of self confidence and I used to feel the need to drink to cover up my social deficiencies, not realising that drinking too much is a major deficiency.
I think also it would be good for you to remember that the guy liked you as you are, confident or not.
I hope you can work this out...

[Seacailin]

I've ruined everything

OMG that is exactly why I went back to drinking after 10 years alcohol free. I got divorced after 17 years of marriage and couldn't imagine going back into the dating world without a drink. Needless to say I have not had a decent date in years. Always drank too much and behaved like an asshole. I have opted not to date for awhile and put the focus on recovering. I wish you well.:l

[Panacea]

I've ruined everything

Oh Minty....I can totally relate. I've done it too. Look forward. You can't do much about the past, but you can certainly do something about the future. I've woken up so many times wondering, and not sure, what I said or did. Also, waking up slowly recalling the evening before, putting it together, just to be horrified at what I thought I said. Of course, wasn't too clear on that either, even though I thought I was remembering right.

I'm the same as most on this one, drinking made me funnier, more confident, and just all around sexier! hahaha! Till that 4th or 10th drink!!! I think thats the reason I chose other big partiers, so they wouldn't have a good memory of the night before either.

Hang in there. I'm only on day 6, but feel your pain. You're not bad, the alcohol is.

[nancy]

I've ruined everything

I wouldn't put in an email that you have a drinking problem, he might forward it on to someone.

I also think that he said you are lovely and to sort yourself out and then call is a good thing. He didn't have to say that. You could email and say you will get in touch when you "sort yourself out."

As for therapy, why do you have to wait? To get it through the national health system?
Can't you go privately and ask for discounted rates? It's really so important and so valuable to get a GOOD therapist and work through these things ASAP.

It's tempting to hate yourself after a night like this but that kind of self-hatred is at the root of the problem unfortunately.

How can you get to know all of yourself, including this lurking crazy woman inside, while sober? The best times to practice abstinence days (if you don't want to do it full-time) are times when you feel distressed emotionally or inadequate, trust me on that one.

I can see you don't want to miss out on these opportunities in the future and so maybe you can use this as a positive motivator for change, without damning yourself in the process. Look at it like this: here's a relationship you could have if you work on your problem, but you are a good, valuable person even with the problem. It's just that the problem can be so antisocial, but that doesn't make you a bad person.

[4theboyz]

I've ruined everything

Hi Minty!

If it helps any, I was just as bad and the sad part was I was doing it around my wife and kids.

I will say this is you are in what I see as a danger zone with drinking again. You stopped there for a while and were doing so good and when you drink now your body can't handle what it once could quite easily and the effects are much more intense. It happened to me a while back and my bounce was brutal and scared me quite a bit.

Big wake up call and made me realize I do have a "disease", "problem", "addiction", all of the above that I just can't mess around with. Perhaps you do to and I do hope you can sort this all out yourself. Everyone here so far is giving you great support and it sounds as though this gentleman is a decent enough of a fellow and should understand your miscue with using AL for liquid courage in new situations such as your first dates.

Good luck with everything!

[Evie.Lou]

I've ruined everything

Sorry that AL the destroyer is at work again..Damn him!!!! I am no longer gonna let him embarrass me.He took away my since of self and made me want to die.Today I feel joyful again...I just wanted you to know that I have found a peaceful happy life now that AL is dead and buried...If I can do it,so can you...

[mintytess]

I've ruined everything

Thanks again for all your support everyone. I really don't feel any urge to drink today. i think perhaps you're right Nancy....maybe I'm not ready for a relationship yet...I need to get myself sorted first.

I'm not going to worry about it any more..time to move forward.

xx

[Captnjack]

I've ruined everything

I can so relate to the gut wrenching nerve thing before you go out some where..... and the thinking booze is gonna make it better. we need to learn to love ourselves not in a egotistical way but in a I'm an ok person a wonderful person actually sober way and its ok to get nervous and deal with those awkward silences in conversations and those feelings she doesn't like me OH shit i shouldn't of said that thing. Sometimes that extreme self awareness of our awkwardness is our greatest enemy when really if some one thought we were not worth knowing why would they make a long trip just to take you out or take the time to want to know you. The other day in one of those awkward get to know each other game sessions at a conference the faciliator ( the touchy feelie wanker as i like to refer to them) made us form a circle and gave all of us a tennis ball and asked that we throw them at a person you didn't know ( Im literally frozen with terror at those things) I was so nervous I threw the ball at some one I couldn't name and spluttering trying to remember a name... that i threw the ball at so hard i wacked them in the head and they nearly dropped oh shit what have I done..... I tried to crack a extremley lame joke which went down like a fart in church . The silence was deafining you could hear a mouse fart. But after it happened later I rationlized with my self who cares I was sober and Im ok dont worry at the end of the conference i was having a great time and actually made a good friend who Im still emailing not the one with the bruise on the head but what the fuck i HATE CONFERENCE GAMES not my fault I dished up a Federer serve. Any way mmmmmmmmm what was my point lol......... AH love youre self and stick with the nervous sober you.... you cant go wrong minty
Cap

[KBCE]

I've ruined everything

Minty - I'm sorry that happened. Lesson learned and time to move on AF. You can beat this, and you will be amazed at the wonderful, incredible things that will come your way. Keep thinking sobert thoughts and you will succeed!