Suicide mission

[keeta]

That is what I feel like my life has become....a fucking suicide mission....a run away train...a car wreck waiting to happen...I am watching..participating...and I still can't/won't stop. What the fuck is wrong with me??? Other than the obvious being I am an alkie...why do I care SO little about myself and my life? There is something seriously wrong with me....I wish I knew how to fix it...fix ME. I hate this shit, so much. I hate my life, I hate myself...blah blah blah....no need to reply...just venting,
K

[Determinatrix]

Suicide mission

Keeta - so sorry you are feeling down and out. Do you want to talk?

[IAD]

Suicide mission

Keeta, find a AA meeting near you, that will give you a start. Just show up, if you want to ask questions, go ahead. At least you'll have some sort of support. Stick with this web site, read the material. You decide what's good for you ! Their are a lot of people here that go to AA, and thier are alot that don't. You can make up your mind when you get your head together ! First, Sober up ! LOL! IAD!

[time2change]

Suicide mission

keeta
There are so many people here that care about you. Please stick around and let us support you.

[lukalee]

Suicide mission

Please, please let us love you!!!!

[Determinator]

Suicide mission

Keeta, jump on chat. Believe it or not I've been in your exact spot. There really IS light at the end of the tunnel.

[Theme2be]

Suicide mission

That self loathing is so crippling, as I deeply understanding. I have been unable to look at my own reflection at times.
You are at no fault, as I understand that we are not our behavior. This is a disorder that wreaks havoc on our esteem through and through.
Identify with the beauty that you are , with the qualities that are the real you.
In distortion, from alcohol and its affects are of no value to how priceless you are, truly.
In truth, you are amazing. Believe it.
It is impossible to express how in a matter of a couple of years , my life, was unrecognizable. Me, of all people facing a time in lock up for too many to mention Dui's for which I am not proud of it. I have been and always will be the one caught.

Now , I am caught on this site, although , not yet where I pray to be destined which is far from the isolation.
You are in perfect feedom to come and vent. You will be listened to. You will be cared about. You will and are to be viewed as a part of what is wonderful.

I am grateful for your courage.
I appreciate you.

[greeneyes]

Suicide mission

Lot of hate words there Keeta! Thoughs have energy and become things. Try to redirect. Look around for Dexterheads thread about listing 20 things you like about yourself. Even if it starts with brushing your teeth every day. You are a good, kind person with a caring heart. See.... there's 4 already. Need to borrow my BGP? :l :l double hug!

[AMELIA]

Suicide mission

Keeta, I have been there myself too. So sorry you are feeling so bad. Vent vent vent honey, just get it out. If you can do some nice stuff for yourself do that too. Hair cut? Manicure? Or the obvious one...a day or two off the booze.
Thinking of you.
xx

[Bandit]

Suicide mission

Hi Keeta,
Sorry you are feeling so low. I think a lot of us have been where you are at this present time and it can be hard to feel that it is ever going to get better. I too feel like my life is terrible at the moment and I know I am not happy with the way things are. However, I also know that I am the only one that can do anything about it and I am not going to fix it over night. First and foremost I have to start with my drinking - I have been drinking way too much now for about 20 years and it has kept me trapped. It makes me depressed, I get depressed about the fact that I have been drinking, I spend money on it that I cannot afford, I don't get my work done, I get angry and irritable with the kids and so it goes on and on. I know even after a few days without it I feel better so I have to continue with this. The list of things I need to get done can be overwhelming and there is so much I want to achieve so I have broken it down into smaller steps and each day I write a list of what I am going to get done even if they are only small things - not just day to day stuff that needs to be done but also steps towards some of my ambitions, at the moment giving up the booze day by day is enough of an ambition as I know if I kick it a lot of other things will fall into place. You mentioned I think in a post before that you were a 'list' person. Maybe you could start by listing anything that you feel might improve your current life and looking at ways you might be able to change anything.
Wishing it gets better for you soon
:h
Bandit

[Cinders]

Suicide mission

Keeta,

Perhaps the all or nothing approach is keeping you from making progress. I know it scares the beejesus out of me!!

So, what if you try taking this whole thing in baby steps?

Make a list (see Bandit) of things you can do to improve your life. Look at this list carefully, do not make lists of things you CANNOT do but things you know deep inside you can.

Are you drinking whole bottles a day? Perhaps you could try doing just one or two AF days a week at first. Then the next week shoot for 3 AF days.

Something along these lines.

I know many will disagree and say You must just stop and stop now. But if you can't and you have been trying, then perhaps breaking it up into smaller increments and smaller steps.

I am a computer geek and that is how I attack my problems. Sometimes I am given a job that is overwhelming in scope but when I start breaking it up into bits, I can do the bits and pretty soon I've done the job!!

Hang in there, Keeta, you may just have to slow that train down by throwing little obstacles on the track at first, once it starts really slowing down, you can hit the brakes.

Love,
Cindi

[Guest]

Suicide mission

How are you feeling now?

[gyco]

Suicide mission

wow been there done it,9 months ago,gees its horrible feelin,aint it,not the 1st time tho,many times b4,not me u,your in the rt spot to start with,ya just want to end it all,who gives a fuck,yea my words you aint the 1st and you aint gonna be the last,got family,they drive u nuts,probably,tell u how bad u are,how u drink,to much,it s all yur fault,well it is and it aint,i was endin it 9 months ago,almost drank myself to death,dam and i didnt drink tht much,somthinwas holden me back,it was my body,yea my body was fitin back,got sick,dry heaves,throwin up but nothin came out,the shts and lots came out,and fiallly the sanitarium because nothin frikkin worked,yea the nut houe,it worked,im fuckin not nut,try it out,thts where they have ther t to send you if you dont get it,my worse nt mare happened,i was in a place with crazy people,but o so was i,sort of ,my freind im tellin you this story not to scare you but because your not the 1st,ever seen star trek booe will take you to places youve never gone b4 i hope this helps as i said to a gentleman in the facility b4 i left my 30 day stint whats the ultimate goaal of all of us death gyco or life

[gyco]

Suicide mission

on a better note your in the rt spot we all care here thts y were here gyco

[nancy]

Suicide mission

I think making a list is a great idea, if you are in the right mind to do it. so is taking things in baby steps as cindi suggests.

Also, would be great for you to talk to some people here who have been in the same situation.

Sure it seems like you are trying to kill yourself but I suspect there is something self-preserving in you or why else would you be visiting this site?

I firmly believe that no matter how many times we fail there is still hope. I have to believe that! I myself am not on a suicide mission but have used alcohol to soothe bad feelings over and over again with the same bad response. I feel a bit more in control of it though the more I become aware and as Cindi has suggested, I have made progress in curtailing bad habits.