shame issues

[Lila]

DO any of you have an issue with this? I have shame - sometimes I remember how dumb I acted in the past - nothing to do with alcohol - I just think of dumb things I have said or did, not that I have ever done anything really outrageous - but I feel so ashamed. I don't know if everyone has done dumb things and just don't let it bother them as much...sometimes I will see or hear something and I will remember how I acted and I just cringe....this is not a motivator to drink, it is just a shame issue I have. Maybe because I had a yucky childhood I am more hard on myself and all. I am just wondering if anyone can relate.
Lila

[AAthlete]

shame issues

Lila, that was a big reason why I drank - to bury thoughts of the past. Drinking also seemed to magnify the grandiose ideas that I had or fantasized about, at least until I passed out and then woke up. Then it would start all over again as of course I was ashamed of what I just did....

I had to learn to let go of the past in order to get over my drinking, and it wasn't easy, but it is possible. That included not only the things that I had done when drinking, but also things that just happened as a part of life.

[Cinders]

shame issues

Lila,

Unfortunately, most of my shame issues are alcohol related. That is probably because alcohol has been in my life in one way or another since I was 16.

However, I do have some memories of things I have done that I am extremely embarrassed, ashamed or disappointed in myself about.

Using those memories to better yourself in the future is great. Dwelling on them and letting them make you feel badly about yourself is not constructive at all.

Love,
Cindi

[KateH1]

shame issues

Lila, I think you have hit on a universal problem, "Shame". Such useless and negative emotion for sure! I do think a lot of this originates in childhood, particularly when we were shamed by parents, playmates etc. All children should receive unconditional love and to learn from mistakes and move on!

Like AAthlete, a lot of my drinking originated with shame. Not for any big things, just shame for being me. I even experience shame from accomplishments!! Yikes! Letting go of the past can be learned. We can reprogram ourselves into learning to love and accepte ourselves, and rid ourselves of shame.

I hope this helps!

xxx Kate

[Lila]

shame issues

thanks all -
do you really think that - we can reprogram ourselves? I think I have felt shame - I think it is one of my earliest memories, truly! My parents were not affectionate at all, never said I love you -EVER!!!! seemed more annoyed by my existance than anything else. I am uncomfortable around people, especially as they get closer to me. Then maybe I push them away. Then I feel rejected. Or if I get rejected, or think I am rejected, I just feel like my bad feelings are confirmed. So how do you let go of the past? I try not to dwell on things - but sometimes I will get triggered - hearing a song, or a phrase, and then I will go into a shame spiral.
My kids are so different from me - more socially competant, they just seem whole and natural and not so inhibited and shy as I always was.
Any advice on getting over shame?
Lila

[KateH1]

shame issues

Lila,
My parents were masters at making sure that I felt shame for being me! When I did well in a dance recital or later on in school and college, rather than praising me, they would shame me! Yep, they would say things like, you will do anything to be the center of attention! Or, how are you fooling those teachers into giving you an A? They won't like you when they really get to know you! Sick people they were!

I hope this doesn't sound to way out for you, but it really put me on my way to learning to love and accept myself and to quit being ashamed all the time! I did inner child therapy....it was really amazing! There is a wonderful book by John Bradshaw, I believe it is called, Healing the Child Within.

xxKate

[Lila]

shame issues

one2many - thanks I did look that up -and it was helpful - like it is not like I am defective- but more like this is how people who have gone thru what i did act and think -
Kate - how awful!!!! What is inner-child therapy? Is it from a book, or with a real therapist?
I love this site - I was feeling so...uh...ashamed to write what I did, and then it is fine, and people understand. I don't know what I would do without you all!!
Lila

[keeta]

shame issues

Lila, and Kate...your post gave me goosebumps.

Lila, some of your patterns of behaviour are me all over.

I was also ignored and made to feel insignificant as a child...could this be why?

one2...I will check out that link, thanks.

[Accountable for Me]

shame issues

You are not alone, Lila. The feelings of shame hit me like a Mack truck after I got sober. It was awful! I couldn't deal with the flood of memories of being drunk and a complete ass (not to mention other stuff I did).

I believe I cried off and on about it for a good 2 weeks.

Since going to therapy I have completely forgiven myself; and have been able to move past it.

There are people out there that have things they are ashamed of and probably don't have a problem with alcohol.

You are a human being; mistakes are to be made. From these mistakes we learn.

Forgive yourself and move on. You will never be able to recover from this addiction completely if you don't forgive yourself and put the past in the past, where it belongs.

HUGS to you.

[Yosemite Sam]

shame issues

Lila;368238 wrote: thanks all -
do you really think that - we can reprogram ourselves? I think I have felt shame - I think it is one of my earliest memories, truly!

Any advice on getting over shame?
Lila

Lila, I was abandoned by my father and left with a mom who sexually molested
me and my younger sister. I have only recently be able to admit this to close
friends and family.

Like aathlete, this is the reason I did drugs and drank... so that I could be
comfortable in my own skin.

I can not give YOU advice, for you have to come to terms with this yourself.
[ Hug ] But what worked for ME was embracing what happened in the past
[ instead of shame and trying to forget ], and releasing the pent up anger,
forgiving myself, then forgiving my mom and father. I am 56 and this process
has taken me most of my life.

The past is past and as such can not be changed, but if you have present
shame and anger, then what happened in the past must be released, so that
you can live with joy in the now, and have a good future.

With much love and compassion, Yosemite Sam

[nancy]

shame issues

Well, I am not surprised so many people here can relate. No doubt this is a major factor being drinking too much.

As a child, I was also mistreated. I was scapegoated for problems constantly, mocked in front of other relatives, accused of enjoying problems. I grew up with a sense that there was something really bad about me, even though everyone would tell me the perpetrator was to blame.

It became really hard for me to accept that anyone would care for me romantically and I wound up in uncaring relationships. Like you, I had intense fear of rejection. I now realize how much I pushed people away and then falsely interpreted what happened as if I had been rejected.

I have read most of the John Bradshaw books, though many years ago. He is good on child abuse.

To get over it, you can get cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches you to look at your thoughts scientifically and get more realistic interpretations of your behavior. Essentially you need to develop a whole new relationship with yourself. From my experience, an awareness starts to grow of that child you were. A therapist once advised me to take care of that person inside. I guess it's true that some of the irrational fears and emotions of that age range are still there inside and I know they come out with drinking. So therapist says to learn to soothe that childish part of yourself.

Be aware of everything you tell yourself. Understanding of one's self goes a long way. Also, don't take your thoughts at face value. There are a whole lot of thoughts that are not true. Learn to ignore them if they are negative. Thoughts are not you. They don't have to be true and they don't have to be acted on.

One way to look at it is to compare it with the experience of someone with an eating disorder. They look in the mirror and see fat and believe they are ugly. The world outside can see this isn't true. Like an anorexic, some of us have distorted images of who we are psychologically and emotionally. As soon as we realize it's not really true, these distortions we have been laboring under, we can start recovering.

Good luck with your transformation!
Nancy

[fickle]

shame issues

Hiya Lila, Nancy & all,
Many of us come from a truly challenging past, me included.
I loved Nancy's post.. very helpful. I hope you can find something here Lila.
Thanks for the good advice Nancy!
Love & best wishes

[Lila]

shame issues

Thanks all of you for sharing your stories - they really are amazing. I guess we are all a work in progress. Yesterday, I was having a shame spiral - so I am so glad I was able to come here to help deal with it. Today I feel better, much better - I think it really helps to share. I have had a moody few days! Part of being human is not having to be perfect, right?
Love
Lila

[KateH1]

shame issues

So happy to hear that you are feeling better, Lila! It really does help to share. What is perfect?? I sure don't know! Actually, I quite enjoy imperfections and quirkiness!

xx Kate