Disgusted

[nowandzen11]

I was so glad to see the poem that tlgrs posted. It hit home. Perfect timing.

Some stuff is coming up for me and I don't know what but I am drinking too much. I am so disgusted and pissed off at myself. I have some time off to get some important work done and I am sabotaging myself by drinking. I feel very hopeless right now. This is the only place I can come and be completely honest.

I go to therapy on Wednesdays and it usually triggers things that make me want to drink.
I feel like I am not worth a shit. I am only hurting myself. I don't know what to do.

I will try my hardest to begin again today. I am going to see my best friend from childhood this evening in SF. We will go to dinner and to the farmers market in the morning. I hope it will help to be with someone. I don't want to isolate anymore. I feel like crying.

Why do I hate myself?

[A Work in Progress]

Disgusted

Zen, it's great that you are setting things up (with a trustworthy friend, with a plan of activities) to begin getting a day, a few days, AF... and that opens up the hope that the self-hatred will naturally begin to let loose. And things will begin to get clearer.

I think we all learn from experience, what works for us... and what doesn't. Sometimes I am too stubborn and arrogant to understand that, for me, the rules is the rules (whatever those rules might be for me)... the stuff that starts me up drinking is, indeed, the stuff that starts me up drinking... and when I understand what that is, I can begin to manage it...

Maybe it is as simple as: alcohol creates suffering, self-hatred, hopelessness; and AF gives us AT LEAST the chance for an end to unnecessary suffering, etc.... Well, for me, it's pretty much that simple.

I hope the next couple of days go well for you, and may you begin to experience more hope and freedom...

WIP

[My New Beginning]

Disgusted

It's good you are going to see your friend and then go to the farmers market. SF is a great place to be too. It's the start of a new journey. You aren't worthless, you are WORTH all the best.
Come back often.

[gatorgirl]

Disgusted

I know it's a cliche' but I feel your pain, been there myself. Have you ever heard of "The Law of Attraction"? Without realizing it you're creating your own reality and once you're in that dark place it's very hard to get out. I outted myself to some friends and family so I could be honest with them and myself. Started on an amino acid regimen (which has really helped). go to the research link here and read what deficiencies in these important supp. can bring on, depression, free floating anxiety the list goes on. The book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne is wonderful there's also a DVD,watch it with your friend. Hope any of this helps.
Good luck

[nowandzen11]

Disgusted

Hi and thank you

I own the DVD the secret. I understand the law of attraction although I do feel the movie gets a little silly at times. I mean, do you really think that if you attract the thought of a large check in your mailbox, it will appear? That was the part I thought was getting slightly ridiulous.

I digress.

I am a very positive person, I just have old tapes in my head about being worthless that I am working thru. I've had "The Honeymooners" DVD on which makes me laugh and just took a hot bath. Will leave for sf in a few minutes.

Thanks for the kind words. I will check in later or tomorrow.

[gyco]

Disgusted

hi cry, dont put yur self down , lots of support here ,id say moderate , for some its harder, then 4 others gyco